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  1. Hey everyone, thought I'd share my own story of struggling with dexedrine addiction over the past year or two. At the time of writing, I've been clean for about 2-3 weeks and am finally regaining some sense of control over my mind/ life. Running/ exercise and music have really helped in that regard. For reference, I'm a 21-year-old male from Europe, currently one year away from graduating university (I go to school in the U.S.) The Good I was first introduced to the drug by my best friend about 1.5 years ago- at that time, my own experience with drugs really only consisted of weed (was a massive stoner at the time) and a few occasional encounters with cocaine and shrooms. My friend had been diagnosed with ADHD from a very early age and had access to a very generous Dexedrine script. As we needed to cram through a relatively important assignment by EOD, he enthusiastically suggested I take some Dex- and as this was an important course, I said fuck it and accepted his offer. It was around 1 pm at the time, he gave me a 15mg XR and two 5mg IR pills, which I took all at once, not expecting much. About 45mins to an hour I really felt it kick in- the only way I could describe it at the time was that it felt like cocaine, but much more controlled and relaxed. I spent the next 9-10 hours demolishing the assignment, before moving onto other schoolwork- I probably completed about a week's worth of work in one sitting. Music sounded unbelievable, my Juul was hitting me on a different level, and I couldn’t stop talking. Although I didn't get a moments sleep and was later introduced to the hell that is as an amphetamine come down, I was fucking sold. For the remainder of the term, I would study with my friend every chance I could, largely to get my hands on more of those magic orange pills, which he was only too happy to provide. My grades shot up, I achieved nothing but As and Bs that term, ending the year with my highest average throughout my time at university. I used the stuff wisely too- when I had no schoolwork left, I applied to internships and jobs like never before, managing to secure a dream position at an investment bank that summer. By the time the exams ended and the term came to a close, I felt unbelievably grateful to have been introduced to this miracle drug- for once in my life/ university career, everything seemed to be under control and headed in the right direction- good grades, great job lines up for the summer and I had been accepted into the exchange program at my university. The Bad There were a few early signals that these new habits were not as perfect as I perhaps imagined. For instance, at the end of the term I remember feeling sad that my exams were over because it meant no more dex-fueled study sessions- looking back, this should have been a major indicator that I was already becoming addicted/ dependent: what kind of fucking student is sad that final exams are over? (Lol). When I got back home to Europe that summer, those first days without access to dex I found myself in a lifeless, depressed state. Regardless, my new job and a generally fun time seeing old friends and partying got me through that summer. But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking about my first study sesh once I was back at school and reunited with my mate (we were both going to be spending the term on exchange). Whilst going on exchange during uni is supposed one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences, spent partying and meeting new friends, it wouldn’t be the case for me. I ended up bullshitting my way to getting a prescription practically the first week of school. I justified spending my days locked in my room studying by telling everyone I was taking a difficult courseload, made worse because it was a new/ different uni. The reality is that at this point I was completely hooked on dex- my daily intake typically hovered around the 50-60mg mark. I would pop them as soon I woke up and would spend the day going through my list of tasks like a robot with intermittent Juul breaks, whilst drinking absurd amounts of water due to the dry mouth. At the end of the day, I would deal with the comedown by smoking absurd amounts of weed- not a particularly healthy combination (mentally and physically). Although the point was to ace all my courses, it started having the opposite effect- although I spent all day studying and working my grades suffered more because I was rarely in class, usually skipping because I had been unable to get any sleep the night before. I lost all sense of enjoyment for the things I used to love- I stopped working out and playing sports completely, and I hadn’t come close to having sex all term (for perspective, I’d pulled 5-6 times that summer). Overall, dex addiction totally ruined what should’ve otherwise been a fantastic experience on exchange. The Ugly We now arrive at the present aka this past school term until it was cut short by coronavirus. At this point, my life mostly consisted of binging dexedrine once I picked up my script, pulling 2/3 all-nighters a week and the occasional back-to-back one. Because I was consuming absurd amounts of the stuff, I’d usually finish my monthly supply within 10-15 days, the spending the time until my next refill as a lazy lump, mostly smoking weed and aimlessly picking around on the internet. I looked like shit- my weight fluctuated constantly and many of my friends remarked that I looked “older”, likely due to how little sleep I usually got. My logic or justification was that this was just temporary- a necessary evil to achieve the ultimate goal of graduating uni and moving onto the next stage of my life. When school moved online due to the coronavirus pandemic a few weeks ago, I ended up going back to my parents house back in Europe again where I was able to quickly transfer my American script and get access to the local equivalent. As usual, I wolfed down my script in no time (took only 10 days or so), but at this point my productivity is nowhere near what it once used to be, and my comedowns are causing me more anxiety than ever. The worst effects, however, would come once I ran out- as I had what can only be defined as a psychotic episode. Whilst attempting to sleep after a 2-3 day binge, I felI into a stream of 5-6 bouts of sleep paralysis in the space of an hour, which is terrifying enough to begin with, but each time felt so intense that I seriously thought I was fully awake and having a stroke. I have been able to really recognise the extent of my addiction/ dependency over these past few weeks- mostly bc of the fact that I’m in my parents company (who can clearly see my mood swings/ changes in behaviour) and that there’s really no need at this point (moving online basically ended the school term early and most of the outside world is on hold atm). As I really have no reason to try and get more of the stuff (and definitely wouldn’t be able to somehow justify it to my parents), I decided that enough is enough- a long break is needed.
  2. My name is Matt Has anyone here been on this since a young age because I started on dexedrine and except for 3 years after I grauduated???? Did cosmetology, had a manic episode because I also have mani episodes naturally. Well this month the insurance said, Ritalin, Adderall or Desoxyn. Dexedrine went from a starting dose to 60 mg and a peak of 150 mg and I got back on that track because I need to learn more skills that I never learned growing up because I decorated cakes but then went to college for international studies and German double major... I work for a company that is a subsidiary for interpreting/translating with the head company of Linguavox. I am #4 in command now and I was cold on dexedrine but on Adderall I have that sociopath face going on. I am in a thing with a same sex couple of bi women but they are friends and this guy I liked was supposed to but I started adderall on the 11th and I was really into him and I get tattoos (suit and tie) from him and I just for to that point where I couldn't sleep and took more. 3 to be exact. I hate my job except for the free trips to numerous places. I am a dual citizen to Germany from my dad and my maternal grandparents are from there and I have always spoke both, learned fluent farsi at age 8 from neighbors because I was in love with the oldest brother in that family (they were neighbors from Iran). In college I learned French, Spanish and Italian at a proficient level not fluently, I don't sound native like I do with the other three. I am cold and have zero compassion. I will of course take time off from this to kiss up to the cute tattoo artist because although I have a clean cut suit and tie look, I have a split tongue and sleeve tatoos and used to be gothed out as a youth so it is like I am sneaky. They also think I am clean cut, rigid, uptight and the good lawyers and senator's wife I have either knew my mom or were part of the mania and dexedrine/adderall put together. I am bisexual and often respectable but I find myself into sadism so the two prominent (hot) lawyers I have as references both have been my gimps and done cocaine off my rear and the whole nine yards. I have a bi female couple that I am friends with benefits with and the tattoo dude who is an ex and a liar from 2005 so I just have him around and warm up when I want discounts. I have zero compassion on this. It "treats the hyperactivity" but I don't eat much and do the bender thing for a day or two, then space the rest out for work because I mediate conflicts to prevent them from going to HR and the VP and President are psychopaths so when I run people out creatively without risk of liability under the guise of suggestion and assertiveness, they love it. I am at the end of bender mode now and almost doing the haldol/klonopin crash out thing because I am on salary and go in 2 days a week at most because I am efficient. I hear out both sides put them both on the spot after and call them both liars and if they don't fill in the blanks then HR will deal with it and it's a black mark. The thing is, off of this, I am cheery, sweet and compassionate but I have the mouth of a truck driver and seem immature for 33 but I don't look old at all. I can say I can't do this much longer, at least the bender part and stopping it will be long and slow because I have to learn skills because my mom was an Adderall mom before it was cool. It was Dexedrine and Super Nintendo. As long as she didn't have to listen to my mouth. So, this is the end of the bender deal. Then I do the 5 days a week deal, and am hyper, funny and really feel for people on weekends. I do the depraved kinky stuff on this though and it really makes me have that part on overdrive. I usually stop now because I will get manic after 3 days and that is a beast. I have a perfect set of teeth but they are Zirconium implants thanks to my relatives in Germany. I could do the geographical cure but I have exes over there too and my cousin Markus is friends with them. I don't have any meth face type stuff going on and when I am not in work clothes, the teens tend to try to hit on me, which I hate. I was switched from Dex to Adderall again... and 60 mg of dexedrine felt like 90 mg of Adderall so she started me on that. What I need to do is taper off of it and stop this bender crap but with adderall it is hard. The IR doses aren't like slamming 300 mg of the XR but it still manages. I have to work up the bravery to have my nurse practitioner cut the dose so I have no choice but to do this or else I will die or go manic and lose it all potentially or win or get paranoid... sadly that part of me isn't choice based. I can love the world, be angry and violent, be grandiose and set goals and do well, paint and write music or get delusional and come up with complex calculus dissertations about Tachyon theory and it's application to the Bermuda and Formosa triangles (around where that plane disappeared from malaysia, they also call it the Devil's sea. I was in Algeria 3 weeks ago for a seminar and I went bender wild and good looking middle eastern/north african guys and women are just kryptonite to me. I learned farsi by teaching German to Pahdideh, the sister that was my age because I was 8 and that guy was 19 but I was obsessed with him until he moved and then I fell in love with this girl who was beautiful and sweet at first but went all bunny boiler on me. But are there drug abusers here that are hyper? because I was never in Special Ed classes, I was t 6th grade level English and knew more German in Kindergarten and I have always ran on tons of cylinders but Adderall makes me love the bender deal. This drug is horrible, I didn't do this much on dex because it is more mentally potent and didn't have that jolt to it but it is $500 a month and I have tried everything else... long acting dexedrine at 30 mg made me psychotic, like the FBI and CIA are going to kill me nuts. Aside from this I am a health nut, good cook, relatively stable and this probably makes no sense or someone is looking at this and thinking "been there". I would lose my job without it. I take supplements too. B vitamins, coq10, Magnesium. In a day or two the tattoo ex will be back in my heart and I live nowhere near landmark college anymore so I am safe from getting to that place again but the idea that these can't get you high or anything when you are hyper is a complete farce but I apparently have an IQ of 163 but I can't socially act older than 21 off of this shit. I also don't smoke or do drugs except this or drink although I used to trip, do ecstasy, cocaine and whatnot in my early 20's during manic episodes but I spend 3 days without eating, invite certain people over for sadism and gross things that make me the stereotype of bisexual that off of this I hate. I am turning into the slut stereotype who is "greedy". I don't say any of this with pride. I might be male but I know I am into monogamous relationships although last summer I broke off a 4 year relationship with a sweetheart in Germany... I went to Beirut with him on my birthday and there was a terrorist attack where they leveled a Christian neighborhood and we got out because EU and US passport holders can often be considered Israeli spies and they think the Israelis and/or Saudis did it. In Germany, I am very "Ordnung muss sein"... I barely need to take meds because my brain goes into a different mode when I speak German and structure and order comes natural somehow. If I move there, I would have an automatic job which they require because they will send you back if you go and just get on Hartz-IV (hearts fear is how it is pronounced) and it is the welfare of Germany. I am glad the summer mania and hyperactivity hit me young but I am to the point where this is old and my NP thinks I need more because I was diagnosed as a kid by one of the most respected neuropsychiatrists that specialize in children as a child before children even started getting the "bipolar" label but mine last for months to years and at 16 it landed me in a jail cell and every other time in nut wards so I have to avoid it although it is intense when you get manic... better than any drug, you feel this rush of energy that makes you feel like you can light up a city block. Having it be developmental though gives me insight and I come out quick. Many adults who are brilliant have one manic episode Sorry for the tirade I think when I brave up to have the dose cut to a minimal amount, I should get weekly supplies to learn those things that Dexedrine did raising me and get off of it. The benders to me are like getting manic by choice or something but the lack of sleep or anything but water, b-12, ginseng, caffeine pills and milk thistle and Lamictal of course make me look like Bill murray after a five day coke binge until I sleep it off, put the suit and tie on and put on my work persona... the sociopath face I get creeps me out... my eyes just look dead and my whole workplace goes silent when I walk in. This sounds like a male pig braggart type crap but it is embarrassing as hell. I bury the shame. My mom died in 2011 from lung cancer and obesity and overdosing on Oxycontin and Xanax... her partner said, "Your mother rolled over and smoked a marlboro light at 2:30 and never woke up again" and she died doing what she loved. She had borderline personality disorder so my coldness comes from the constant roller coaster with her. She used to hate one of us and we didn't exist while the other was the golden child... my brother was the slow, needy, lazy one that wouldn't amount to anything and I was the crazy one who was a genius who would either do better than the rest of the family or end up in jail for a murder spree. Our last email was a "CALL ME NOW!!" and then another 10 minutes later saying that if she regretted one thing, it was bringing 2 of the most narcissistic, sociopaths onto the planet." (that was her endearment). I laughed at it and I hate to say this but I was relieved that I no longer had to deal with the nonstop berating when she was guilting back into her love phase and as an adult it was calls 10 times a day, overrunning my life and then switching it up. This is embarrassing. Nice to meet you all and trust me, none of this is anything I find amusing or cool at all. I am not 21 and when I don't take it, I may act 21 but I am filled with emotions and am a different person.
  3. Hello again, I feel the need to ask a second question, for backround info on my case (very high tolerance to Adderall for years) please read my previous top "PLEASE HELP! high tolerance users". Adderall has ruined my life and made me miss so much fun and memories with my 3 year old daughter I don't want to miss another second. I want the old fun me back. After years and years of Adderall with an extremely high dosage and actually troubling with adhd bad for years, is there anyone out there who has tried other meds or specifically vyvanse? ive taken Adderall ir and xr and Dexedrine ir for years. This month A got a script for vyvanse paying the extra money with no insurance just trying to stray away from Adderall. I need something for the mean time of quitting to get me out of bed, I have to watch my daughter all day everyday, school, and occasional work (and of course the duties of a household). Has anyone here had any experience with vyvanse? I don't necessarily like it, it doesn't do much for me, but it helps with getting out of bed for now. Am I in risk of this just continueing the addiction? or will it help me quit? I don't want to pay for something so expensive that will in return give me not the help needed, or make a situation worse. SO DOES ANYBODY HERE HAVE VYVANSE STORIES??? Please let me know, I will greatly appreciate your help.