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Found 5 results

  1. Finally quit--Day 8

    So I'm new here. After reading everyones' adderall stories, I felt like it was time to share mine... forgive me if this gets a little long-winded (also forgive my stupid user name--it was chosen in the spirit of remaining anonymous!) I am going to try and focus on only the relevant parts of my story because I can feel myself about to go down a rabbit hole. I recently quit Adderall after almost 3 years of habitual use, which started in grad school. I'll start with some background. I don't think I am textbook ADD or ADHD---I always did well in school, though it was never too hard. I am what you call a daydreamer, creative type. I hate to read instructions. I can focus on things if I find meaning in it, which can sometimes turn into obsession. Weirdly though, I also can be extremely complacent, even lazy, about some really important things. Its like an all or nothing focus, which hinges on the level of interest and intrinsic personal significance I find in the subject, which probably isn't that unusual. As you might be able to tell, I'm having to rediscover myself a bit without the Adderall, which makes me sad for the time I lost. I never really "abused" it in the traditional sense, but I was using too much, too often. Like many others, I started out at 20 mg, and went to up to 30, plus some. 60 mg was the most I ever used. When I got it, everything was great... for about six months--I was SUPER skinny and confident, and more social than ever. I also really liked that adderall made me bulletproof emotionally. I was so much more task oriented--things beyond the task at hand didn't phase me. This wasn't me--I am a super sensitive person, and I used rehash every interaction in my head at ungodly hours of the night. I was surprised with the way I would act socially, and not in a good way-- I was not smooth and could be really assertive/almost abrasive, and I don't think my true self was ever really comfortable with my new way of interacting with people. This did have some positives though. I felt powerful and energetic, like there was nothing I couldn't do. Anyway, I quickly became addicted. I couldn't get out of bed without it and used it to do things that were supposed to be "fun." Pretty soon I wasn't doing anything for fun and I spiraled into a depression that has continued to get worse. My adderall use peaked when I was a studying for a major exam after grad school, one that had huge implications for my career and educational investment. Point being, I think the whole experienced changed something in my brain. I can be an anxious, type A, obsessive person as it is, and the adderall pushed me over the edge. I wasn't ready to see that at the time, though. I would spend HOURS picking at my face, like I was on meth. I RUINED my skin (it is better now, I do have scars and it will never be my pre-adderall skin). And the isolation. Adderall isolates you and sucks the emotion out of you--you don't even realize its happening. I was so numb and unhappy, but I didn't stop. I got a job after I found out I passed my test and of course continued to take adderall. Although I was back down to 30 mg, I started to realize the life I made for myself wasn't me, it was something adderall me had created. I couldnt shake the feeling of emptiness, wondering what my life would have been like had I never gone down this road. It started to become more clear that everything was all wrong. My life was completely devoid of all happiness and joy. I gradually started taking less adderall, and gradually started to hate my job more and more. I became more and more depressed. So now you're pretty much caught up. I managed to cut my dose down to 15 mg per day. I ran out right before Thanksgiving. Its been about two weeks since I ran out (I took it one last time at day 6, so I restarted the clock and now I'm on day 8). The thing that I am struggling with the most is feeling the flood of emotions coming back to me, the overwhelming depression, and the sense that my true self was frozen in time for those 3 years. I am not used to having to handle my crazy emotions and I don't remember how to deal with the constant barrage of thoughts and feelings. The thought that my true, non-adderall self could have matured and experienced personal growth during that time makes me more depressed and sad. I don't know where I am getting the strength to keep going and or how I'm not turning back to adderall, but I like being able to feel and take in the moment--even if it is sad and depressing. I was finally at a point where I was miserable on adderall and willing to acknowledge that. And because of that I am willing to try something else. The fact that I am feeling again and not stuffing my emotions with a pill gives me hope that maybe things will get better. Maybe this will all be the catalyst I needed to change things and go in a different direction. Maybe it's the right direction, or at least a better one. Anyway, thanks for reading.
  2. Hello everyone. I just wanted to post this article to tell you all about my story. I have been addicted to adderall for about 1 year now. The first time I tried it was in 2014 when I started my first year in university. I was 18 years old at the time, and didn't really care for trying it out. However, my friend offered me one of his prescribed adderall pills and I tried it. From that point on, I had only done it every so often. 2 years past, and I found myself in some trouble with the law. I was arrested for felony offences and thought my life was over. I had spent 6 months on bail conditions from May 2017 to October 2017, but thankfully my charges were dropped. However, I am mentioning this because this was the last straw in my downward spiral in life (during the time I started taking adderall I was still on bail conditions, thinking I was about to receive minimum 4 years in prison, thus my addiction had already started before I knew I was free). Also, what made me realize I was truly addicted was when I started taking doses as high as 60-70 mg (XR) daily, and started using it to get high, not even for days I had school work or needed to focus. Prior to this, I had always been a "polydrug" user as my councillor says, meaning I don't have one single addiction, but simply just an addiction to anything that would get me high. To summarize, I have dealt with many factors that have made me resort to adderall. As a child, I had grown up wealthy in a loving family for 8 years. At a certain point, everything went down hill when I was 9. My family lost everything, my parents divorced, my sister was raped, my house got raided, my family lost our house and several valuables. I was a child and stuck in the middle of it all, I felt worthless. Once I reached high school, I got into the wrong crowd and started doing several drugs and committing crimes. More issues occurred, as I had several relationship problems, continuous family issues, and arrests as a juvenile. Long story short, I became suicidal and felt even more worthless. After all of this, and some many other things I won't have time to mention (maybe save for another time), I resorted to adderall to deal with the stress I could manage (i.e. school and work) to compensate for everything I couldn't manage (i.e. family issues, legal issues etc.). Also, I take depression medication which hasn't helped and I have terrible anxiety but my doctor will not prescribe me any short term drug for it due to my past history with addictions (which is fair on her part). I started using hardcore for a full year from 2017 till now, and I recently overdosed. I had taken too much adderall and it accumulated all into this one dark day. I arrived home at around 5 am approximately a week ago and started convulsing. My fingers and toes curled, my body went numb, everything was going black, I heard ringing in my ears, I was drowning in sweat, and my heart beat was insanely fast (side note: I have a heart murmur as well, so I was very scared). I have overdosed in the past on other drugs once, but that was an intentional attempt to kill myself. This time, it wasn't which made me very surprised. For an hour I thought I was going to die, I felt my soul escaping my chest and all I could think was "this is it". I had texted my friend who dropped me off that I was sorry for not listening to him, and to call 911 if I don't answer you in the next hour. I was surprised I could even manage to text him, as for an hour prior to having a terrible vomiting episode I couldn't move (after puking I could move my arms, but nothing else and was still numb and sweating). Long story short, since that near death experience I have stopped taking adderall. Although it has only been about a week, I wanted to post this because I don't have many outlets to resort to since friends judge me and my family wouldn't be able to handle it (my sister is doing her own thing and must focus, while my mom has cancer and my dad has parkinsons/grave's diseases, among many other conditions). I have resorted to a drug councillor, which has helped a lot, but I have been having emotional breakdowns and several suicidal thoughts accompanied by floods of tears and agony. I do not want any sympathy, all I want is to hear from people who have had similar circumstances or from anyone who can help. I have read some of these articles, and they have helped, but I am positing this to share my story of addiction, and I would greatly appreciate feedback/responses to my story based on what I have said, as some specific responses in relation to my story would help even more. If anyone has been in a similar circumstance as me, or started using adderall for the same reasons, please reply to this and share your side. I hope to overcome my addiction, but since it's so early I am fearful that I may not be able to handle it and relapse, or possibly attempt to commit suicide again. Thank you all for taking the time to read this, and stay strong!
  3. Another Life

    GPA 3.5 and I had one more final exam. Just one more. Then I would be walking across the stage to get my 4 year diploma. I had an internship with a MAJOR soda company starting this week. But man, I was tired. I didn't want to study for that last exam. I wanted to be with my roommates that night and enjoy these last few nights as a college sorority hipster. Okay, I will study at the library and meet up with everyone later. I was walking out of the house when a friend approached me and gave me a capsule. She said it would help. But only works when you get sleep. I walked across that stage with the same 3.5 GPA. I failed the drug test for my internship 2 days after I received my diploma. Twelve years later and she's sitting on the couch. She's been alive almost 2 months. She watches her husband make coffee while her baby plays on the floor. The oldest child will be down any minute. That she, well that's me. And I confessed to my addiction almost 2 months ago. I took my last pill almost two months ago. And I'm a different woman. A new life. It's like I woke up. And my twenties are a haze. I was addicted to a medication prescribed to children and adults who have a learning disability. An attention disability. DISABILITY. When I could see the bottom of the orange bottle through my pills, I panicked. How long are you going to continue your cycle? Doctor appointments, picking up scripts, pharmacy trips, paying out of pocket because you can't wait another week when your insurance will cover your refill. Are you going to take these pills when you are sixty years old? Eighty? It has to stop at some point. Nobody can successfully continue a narcotic like this forever. How it's FDA approved and available at a pharmacy within a 2 mile radius of my home keeps me up at night. My old life has been through more than I want to admit. But I will. Over time. I consider myself an expert on the drug. And I'm not done researching this narcotic. And I'm not done researching the lives of the people who dedicate themselves on this website.
  4. This is my story. I met this girl when I was 18 years old, she was a sexy, chaotic, blue eyed woman and when i looked at her i just smiled. For one reason or another we never pursued an intimate relationship but she most certainly she caught my eye. Fast forward 10 years, I move to Los Angeles, start a new life and never stayed in direct contact with this lovely girl. I occasional asked mutual friends about her but never dug deeper. Every year, I would come home for a holiday visit, this girl would always show up with the rest of my friends. There wasn't a time when I don't remember her not being there. I would hear songs from when I was 18 and have flash backs of this girl but again, never thinking deeper but a smile always came to me face when thoughts of her occurred. Fast forward another 5 years. This girl is the love of my life. She has been right in front of me this whole time and I never saw it. This girl, is someone I can see myself growing old with, creating a family with and never desiring another soul to lay in bed next to. I feel lucky and grateful to have gotten to know her heart. The love of my life I remember is funny, full of life, full of love and most importantly the best mother on the planet to 2 kids that I love more then anything. She works way too hard, she puts too many expectations on herself and created a life that no super hero could even live up to. The thing is, I didn't get to propose, I didn't get to marry her, I didn't get to buy a house and settle down with the love of my life because life grabbed her, dealt her unimaginable challenges and she got lost in a world of substance abuse, and her best friend named Addy stepped in, took over and has been running her life for the past 2 years. Do I blame her? Hell no! Do I understand why? I most certainly do. I know she isn't able to see the big picture right now, I know that this drug has replaced her real feelings, her real self with a version of someone that she doesn't know never mind me. I see these two very different versions of this person and it breaks my heart knowing I can't clear the fog for her just enough for her to trust that life can be manageable again without this drug. She doesn't need to work 60 hours a week, she doesn't need to isolate and shut down her feelings. She can trust that I will walk next to her, taking care of things while she gets centered again. She can count on me to not save her but to be her strength when she needs it. After all, she is the love of my life, till death due us part. If I had a fantasy, she would move to Los Angeles with me, focus on herself, allow herself the time she needs to heal while we slowly get to know the new versions of ourselves. She wont have the same pressures or need to work endless hours. We are a team, what one can't do in the moment, the other picks up the slack. We can enjoy life's simple pleasures, football games, camping trips, traveling, enjoying a nice meal all as a family. Sounds perfect doesn't it? Yes, its my dream. What if she doesn't like Los Angeles, then what? Well, we move, anywhere once we have worked through and built a stable foundation as individuals and then as a team. Remember she is the love of my life, till death do us part. A town or city won't change how I feel about her. Nothing will and the past 2 years of pushing and pulling has proven that I won't give up on her. So, yes, this is my story of love, lost love, despair, hope, faith and fantasy and all along competing with her best friend Addy. What's keeping me from living my dream? The love of my life won't choose a healthy lifestyle, she has chosen a life that allows her to forget, be numb and is lied to daily by this drug that life is better when she is on it. This drug is her best friend, that she believes will never leave or hurt her. But what she doesn't see is that her best friend is stabbing her in the back every day of her life. Brain washing her into believing that she needs this best friend to survive, to work hard to pay the bills, to have fun is only when Addy is around, to not feel pain of the past. While the years speed by, her best friend isn't pointing out that she is incapable of growing, incapable of connecting, incapable of true love, incapable of being the person she really is, incapable of just enjoying the small simple pleasures life has to offer. I've been robbed of the love of my life over a back stabbing best friend who really has no interest in her as a mother, as a partner, as a friend, as a sister and as a daughter. What can I do to help? Nothing, sit back and have faith that she catches a glimpse of her old self in the mirror and realizes she wants to start feeling life again. How long will you hold on for the love of your life? I'm not sure, I've recently been losing hope that she even has the small occasional desire to dump her best friend but just when I'm about to give up, my faith kicks in and I believe that the love of my life is still in that shell of a person she is portraying today.
  5. Glimpse of hope

    I didn't take the adderall on Friday & actually felt good & wasn't coma like & feelin like dying. (I've been taking 30mg daily for the past year, 60mg before that). But saturday it hit me in the face like a huge brick. I ended up taking it and guess what... i felt even MORE like shit. I literally sat on my chair staring at the wall having NO motivation to do anything.. I did that for 4 hours. I felt "STUCK" if that makes sense. Stuck in a horrible horrible chemical induced hell. Yesterday I took 15mg and felt the same shitty stuck nasty feeling. But once it wore off, I started feeling better! And not only that but I was able to feel my creativity come back... the one thing that is worth everything to me! This is what I wrote: Dehydrated with a killer migraine. Memories engrained I try to kick to the curb. Paint my souls portrait into words...I used to do without an effort. Till I met Esther the go getter. Courtesy of my chemical endeavors. Such a careless fool i was at the time. But I'm ready to forgive her. Paying off the debt I owe. Reaping what I sow. And I've never felt so low. But I've never had such hope either. I keep telling myself it's okay. Even when I'm not okay. I keep telling myself it's okay. Knowing it will manifest one day. Perception is reality. Searched for a remedy in spirituality. Transcend this fake illusion. Hoping it will shift my current state. Can u relate? Transmutate this self hate cuz I'm tired of one too many heartaches... knowing now that I did it to myself. Love will never come ur way if u dont love yourself. And I hate cliche ass quotes, but I awoke to the truth and I finally understand. The energy you give will smack you in the face with a backhand. Put u in ur place where u belong. Leave u stranded in the snow with nothin but a thong on. But I keep it moving with style and grace... I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want funnel cake - "Getting off the Addies" 12/17/2012