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This is not easy to say this but I can't store it inside any longer. At this moment, I want to die. Let's give it a name. How's severe suicidal ideation? I've been taking between 120-150mgs of Adderall IR every day since I received my last refill. I spend all day feeling like a rockstar, behaving like some kind of manic weirdo, spontaneously talking to strangers about nonsense that seems exciting and charismatic through my eyes. But if people didn't know better, I'm pretty sure they'd think I was some raving lunatic. So I guess I'm lucky I don't meet the physical profile of a homeless drug addict? Anyway, after hours and hours of spinning my wheels, doing a lot without actually getting anything done, I turn to my Xanax prescription because I need to recover from all that time not eating or sleeping. I'll take 8mgs of that at once. That way, when I'm conscious 4 hours later, I can repeat the exact same cycle the following day. Obviously, at such insane quantities and rates of intake pounding two highly addictive, often lethal drugs, I run out fast. Ten to twelve days if I use "responsibly." Naturally, I crash almost immediately. Remember that rockstar with a broken brain telling him he could conquer the world? Well, right now he's hibernating in his messy room, alone and friendless and a joke of a human being. It doesn't feel over-the-top to say people like me don't deserve to live. Even worse, this is not even close to the first time I've been through drug-induced nightmares like the exact same one I've been subjecting myself to for years. I normally characterize the feeling as "hopeless" because invoking the word "suicidal" opens the doors to hospitals and group therapy and 12-step meetings and medications and so on, all of which I've endured firsthand as a patient. More than once, it shames me to say. There are kind people out there who say I'm hardly the biggest fuck-up in the world but I'm only inclined to believe them because how the hell would I know? It's not as if I have an impressive circle of friends or family or people in general. I'm just a nobody who lives for a drug that tricks his brain into feeling less broken. If anything I've described in this post sounds even remotely familiar or relatable, please say hello. I can't take much more of this loneliness. My goal is not to forge lifelong friendships, per se. I just crave company. Will someone out there spare just a little bit of their time to help a stranger feel less worthless? Please. I'm desperate.