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Found 11 results

  1. My Personality Medicine

    Greetings Everyone, First, here's a brief introduction. I've been familiar with this site for at least a year by now, but today I'm proud to say I finally decided to open an account!* (I'll be posting my story after I complete and post this entry.) I've wanted to be a regular participant on this site because of the hope you all inspire each time I recognize a piece of myself in your stories. This is something I could never get out of 12-step recovery, despite the last seven years I've spent attending AA meetings pretending to believe in God so as not to draw attention. You know how they love to say an addiction is an addiction all the time, right? Well, when I discovered and read your stories and insights for the first time, I immediately took comfort in knowing that there was a community of people out there who understood how our addiction to Adderall is unique after all. Not necessarily more or less challenging to overcome than an addiction to alcohol or heroin, for example. Simply a different condition that requires different approaches to combat. When I used other substances like booze or weed or Xanax and even heroin for a time, the reason was to resign from life. Plain and simple. "I don't want to try anymore," my mind would tell me. "What's the point? Leave me alone." Adderall, on the other hand, has the opposite effect on me. I take it to engage in life. Sober, the world is a woefully dreary place. Everything lacks flavor, color, and texture. I have no perceptible purpose. In fact, I can barely remember what it even felt like to harbor interests and pursue goals before Adderall. It doesn't even seem possible to summon real, organic enthusiasm for anything. I'm also not the natural extrovert I've spent my whole life wanting to be---the kind of person who's effortlessly motivated to meet new people and try new things and spend time in new places. Once Adderall came into my life, however, my inhibitions were at long last lifted. Suddenly I felt overcome with excitement. People were finally noticing me, it seemed. I felt spontaneously compelled to read and write for recreation. I no longer dreaded the company of others. Since then, I never needed to learn how to socialize or develop interests on my own because I had found the magical elixir that did those things for me. (An honest marketing campaign might read something like "Personality In a Pill.") And yet the world still mistakenly believes Adderall is dangerous exclusively because of its prevalence on college campuses and in academic circles. Yes, it elevates focus. But that's not why I'm addicted. I don't have ADHD. There's nothing medicinal about the way I use it in a clinical sense. I take it because I know of no other way to be the lively, interesting, charismatic person it brings out in me. In Mike's description of "The Challenge," he says the goal is to wake up feeling like Superman without Adderall, but I worry that ship has sailed for me. Once Adderall is subtracted from my life, I have no clue who I am anymore. Even worse, I lack the motivation and courage to bother figuring out who that person once was to begin with. What if he's just the shy, anxious recluse he's always hated? Why is the undrugged version of me such a bore? Again, my compulsion to use stimulants stems from a desire to actively participate in life, not to submit to its hardships and wait out the clock. I'd go back to drinking and popping Oxy if that were the case. And even though I'm aware that the perceived personality Adderall gives me is largely an illusion, I've yet to find a satisfying alternative. It's all I've got for now. Why can't I simply get out of bed each morning, clean and sober, take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work (I don't have a job), talk to people without succumbing to a panic attack, work out, come home, go to sleep, and do it all over again? Why isn't that good enough for me? It appears to be good enough for most, right? Did Adderall ruin me? Did it break me for good? Because that's how it feels. Adderall the Study Medicine? For many, yes. But not as it concerns my addiction. In my case, I rely on it to rewrite the parts of myself that demand correction. Without my Personality Candy, however, I'm lost. The motivation to create and succeed? The bravery it takes to connect with people? The confidence I need to carry a career? How am I simply supposed to learn these skills after roughly a decade operating under its influence? Please, fellow speed heads, surely you must empathize with my alarm. How did you address your obsession with Adderall? Does it get easier? Are there techniques? Are there groups (specifically in NYC)? Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. You people are my best shot. Best, WiredTired Unhired.
  2. Motivation help

    14 months in, and still doing poorly. I'm mainly suffering from low motivation and energy levels. I'm still wondering if it's actually depression that's really at play l, and I was using adderall to treat that as well as ADD. I never abused adderall, but I was on it from a very young age (6 years old!) and used it daily (between 10 to 20 mg daily) for 20 years. I was not fictional when I was off it. Could not find the motivation to get out of bed, always hungry, couldn't keep my legs still, (having a mix between restlessness and low motivation to move is a very mentally exhausting battle). Well I wanted to know if I could actually function off of adderall if I quit. So I weaned off of it for about a year, and now I've been off of it for 14 months. Some of my symptoms have proven to be withdrawl. They went away in the first couple of months. Motivation and energy have yet to come about. I walk around with no sense of purpose, sometimes not leaving my house all day, often bargaining with myself to even get out of bed. To me this sounds like depression, although I'm not sad. Feeling hopeless, yes, but not sad really. I was on cymbalta for a while and that made the hopelessness go away... I was content in my laziness... but still low motivation and energy levels. Now I have just started taking sertraline... it hasn't started working yet. Looking for suggestions on which supplements to take to help with the motivation and the energy. Was thinking Wellbutrin, DL-phenylalanine, or lithium orotate... thoughts?
  3. Week 1

    Im 9 days without adderall. Week 1 was good, I was still motivated and happy to have myself back. But now I just feel tired and disconnected. I just want to be in bed all day and sleep. I have been having disassociation with my friends and the people I surround myself with. I get annoyed easily if people are talking about themselves too much or bias. I dont know why? I also just wonder off in conversation frequently and come off as rude. Did anyone else feel this way when quitting?
  4. Hey guys, I've been having a very rough time lately, staying focused and trying to stop romanticizing my former Adderall use. Despite my 3 month sobriety from it, my job is becoming extremely stressful and tiring, on top of me being an already lazy person, that I keep trying to reason with myself about taking some every now and then.. for just this day, or for just this week or month. But I know that is a horrific relapse waiting to happen again, and I do not want to deal with the lack of energy and the increase in appetite again, especially at a time when there are no vacation days coming up. So I decided to come on here and hear what helps to keep you guys motivated and away from that junk pill? I think this kind of thread might have been started already.. but maybe it wouldn't hurt to start another one, again? For me, one of the biggest motivators was the severe hair loss and dandruff that I experienced, which made me wonder if I will be completely bald in a few years, if I continued taking this stuff. Also exercise had always been my go-to stress reliever, but when taking Adderall, I barely had any energy to exercise and lost all muscle, endurance and strengthen. I also stopped caring about other people completely, and this caused me to get into a lot of fights, both in my personal and work life. Let me know what helps to keep you guys clean, I can really use some words of wisdom right now.
  5. 22 Days clean and I've mostly been luckly enough to focus on my health and body and trying to get my life together without Adderall and that has been pretty good so far. I still need to get myself together for work. I feel I have not been productive with my job lately. To be honest, I haven't done shit for it since quitting. I've done a few patterns but I still don't have much motivation towards my business (even with coffee). I'm self employed so I have to motivate myself or my business is going to go to shit. I have an Etsy shop and trying to get my LLC but I don't even have the focus to figure out how to get it without Adderall. Luckily, I'm also an indie/freelance designer and have been able to work on that lately and design new patterns but everything else though, not so much. I'm a little scared but with time, hope this will get better. Any advice or feedback with how you all have been able to get on with your jobs/work without Adderall would be appreciated! Thanks in advance
  6. Okay so I've been free for almost two months. I've slept a lot gained some weight. Smoked too many cigarets. Broke up with my girlfriend. Watched everything I built on adderall fade away. It's been shitty. The depression & lethargy caused me to watch some really terrible Netflix. I sleep well most nights now and I've started exercising . I need to address my diet. I'm trying to get motivated. Here are some ways I've been getting motivated to work - exercise short walks - green tea and coffee - ginseng, C0Q10, Vit D, B - imagining what will happen if I do nothing - working in coffee shops - setting timers 20 min work 5 min break - background noise My slogan for this year is "consistent swagger". What do you do to get motivated?

    Getting rid of the world I built on adderall does not come easy. Each day is a struggle. Still I know my worth and the value of that worth, which is why I will continue to fight on until this battle is won! From the makers of "The 30 Day Challenge, " lol.. I present to you, "The 60 Day Challenge!!" This idea is the brainchild of myself and a good friend who goes by the name of Lunax on this Site. The format is simple, as it is merely a continuation of "The 30 Day Challenge!!" The 60 day challenge is designed just as the 30 day to keep those taking it mindful and accountable, while feeling supported, on a daily basis, along the road to recovery. This challenge does not take away from the 30 day, instead it makes room for more people to join the fitting "category," while we continue to check in with and support each other. If this in any shape or form resonates with you, do not be shy, feel free to create your own version of this same challenge or won't you join us right here in taking "THE 60 DAY CHALLENGE!" Here are the easy to follow guidelines: -Daily (preferably) log into this site, this forum, and simply "CONFIRM" or "DeNY" your ability to abstain from adderall for that day. Ex: Day 39: Confirmed! See..Easy as pie. Lol. Well for now I will leave you this, "What matters most is not how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up! " Also, for those entering this second leg of the journey, you may have begun to develop a few new "healthy habits," feel free to list those here, eg., diet, supplement tips, or maybe a new workout plan. Til next time, If not good, may you be Well!
  8. So sometimes ( like I'm sure alot of us) come here when getting a craving or just feeling down and need inspiration or need a pick me up or maybe even an idea we can do or tool we can use or even a hobby or some type of an adventure to take on when we feel negative or get stuck in a bad place I was thinking that when that happens to one of us we can come to this post . A safe haven of positive words quotes songs pictures anything!- that we can rely on So my idea is to have everyone post one of the above ideas on a comment here to share with one another .. So we can rely on this thread to pick us up when we are falling down- or are down - or slipping down down down Here's mine - GET OUTSIDE!!! Go for a walk * it's simple- just get up from wherever u are put on some shoes put on some sunglasses and walk out your door. Be around the trees, listen to the birds, listen to the wind blow , feel the ground beneath each step you take. U may be feeling lazy or unmotivated, but the one choice u have right now is to move . Get going . Get moving . Keep walking- climbing- running. Music is such a calming force to me so feel free to put on your favorite tunes ( my go to music is thievery corporation or papadosio ((( great feel good music ))) or even ditch the music and listen to the only constant there is right now ---> the sound of nature Give yourself that! To whomever comes to this post // feel free to comment about someone's ideas or words of inspiration but remember to add one of your own ///what advice would u give someone that was feeling down? What advice would u give yourself???
  9. Hi, my name is Matt and last Wednesday (Oct. 2, 2013) I took my last dose of adderall (5mg). I received a prescription for adderall to help out with my ADHD a few years back. Well, actually I started out on Focalin and switched over to adderall because it was cheaper as my doses were increasing (no generic Focalin available at the time). I'm one of those people who really didn't need to drug, but felt that I needed it because it made me feel good, which motivated me. Likely, I would have been better off taking an SSRI instead of going down the stimulant route, but hindsight is 20/20. At my worst, I was taking 50mg of adderall a day. I knew that I was in over my head with the "addy" after I didn't take it one morning and I felt like absolute crap (physical pains and aches). Also, I felt extremely tired no matter how much I was taking. I felt very distant and and socially isolated. I couldn't accomplish anything without taking a dose beforehand (especially workouts). My life revolved around timing the effects of the pills. I couldn't take it anymore and decided that it was time to quit. I found this website and decided to follow the "weaning off" procedure. Luckily for me, my doctor worked with me to help me wean off of the stuff. While off the pills, I'm still working out regularly, but am finding it difficult to become motivated some days. I'm taking Zoloft (have been for awhile), and that helps, but I can't put as much on my plate anymore. I'm a graduate student and some people have told me that I picked a bad time to quit, but I think that I made the right decision. Does anyone have any tricks that help improve motivation?
  10. I flushed my remaining pills 5 weeks ago after a bad experience. After some initial success at being and feeling healthy and productive (after the withdrawal), I have been finding it increasingly difficult to get out of bed and stay productively awake. I exercise daily and eat reasonably well, but I still find myself unable many days to feel like a real participant in school (and life) because I just feel so damn tired all the time. I thought around the 3 and 4 week marks that if I just pushed through those feelings of sluggishness and forced myself to do work that I would eventually just feel normal again, but now it seems like I am backsliding into unhealthy lethargy, fatigue and depression. Is this normal? Should I just wait out these feelings or is there something beyond exercise and coffee-drinking I can do to combat the overwhelming urge to crawl back into bed all the time and close my eyes?
  11. So I decided to quit adderall a few weeks ago after a long term debate over whether the positive side effects outweighed the negative side effects. To give a little history... I had taken some in college because my roommate had a prescription for them, and they helped me so much that I decided to go see a doctor/psychiatrist about my potential for having ADHD to get some of my own. I actually did all this within the first few months of graduating college, where I had a ridiculously lousy GPA upon graduating (C average). I was personally (and still am to some degree) convinced that I have ADHD, considering how much I struggled to complete tasks due to the fact it would take me so long to complete them. A task that took my peers an hour to complete could take me three or four, and I wouldn't even understand what I was doing for a majority of that period. I like to think that I'm an intelligent person with a lack of motivation caused by lack of attentiveness and interest. So getting back on track, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Adult ADHD, especially after telling her that I have a scarlet fever induced form of tourettes. She said that this had manifested itself into ADHD coupled with anxiety, and prescribed me with a couple anti-depressents and trazodone (for those that haven't taken trazodone, its awful. Its like taking Nyquil at night and then taking another full dose upon waking but having to stay awake throughout the day). After a month of the anti-depressents, I knew that I wanted off of them and still wanted to the adderall, so I went to see my family doctor and she prescribed me the 15 mg XR, which was upped to 25 mg eventually and then switched over to 15 mg IR twice a day. My experience with the XR were okay, until the comedowns started to kick in and my tolerance increased considerably. The first few months were fine, but after taking an XR first thing in the morning, I would feel great for about 4 to 8 hours and then feel awful for the remaining 2 - 4 hours. Depressed, sad, unmotivated. You name it, I felt it during the comedown. I did end up going back to a university to up my GPA, and I did great. I took 20 non-degree credits, 6 of which were graduate level, and ended up with a 3.7 average throughout those 20 credits. This was a sort of self justification that I really did need this throughout college and that this was going well. Fast forward to May 2012. I obtained my first real job shortly after completing the 20 non-degree credits and felt as if I was headed in the right direction. This job didn't last however, and this past January (2013), the company went under due to a multitude of reasons which I'm not going to list. I have been looking ever since, and with the economy the way it is, I feel like I'm back at square one from the day I graduated college. I have some additional cool on my resume, but as far as furthering myself, I'm not doing very much. After a lot of self mindfulness and internal debate, I decided to search for myself before I was on adderall. I do feel like I have lost some of my creativity, as do a lot of others on these forums who have been on the drug. I think the biggest problem with adderall though is that it makes you feel invincible. I've never done cocaine, but I know scientifically adderall and cocaine are not that far removed from each other. People who have done cocaine have that invincible, king of everything on top of the world kind of feeling, and that is why I feel like adderall is so addictive to me. My grandmother was addicted to uppers back in the days where doctors would prescribe them for weight loss, and all but one of my grandparents died from emphysema. The last one died from a heart problem due to alcoholism. In other words, I feel as though genetically I am prone to embrace this invincible feeling and seek it, something that I have realized about myself since the first days of adderall usage. I won't deny that it has helped me in a lot of ways, and it does make you more outgoing when your on it. However, as soon as the comedown starts, the socialite that I was not even 15 minutes prior seems to disappear and out comes this quiet, overly self conscious person who can hardly keep up with the simplest of conversations. If anybody else has had this experience, it would be great to hear about it. This was the primary reason why i wanted to find my former self through the thick smoke of adderall, because even though i was shy before I started taking adderall, I was never that overly self conscious weirdo who avoided people at all costs. That was not me. And I didn't like it. Being off adderall right now I seem to be losing interest in typing and thinking about the other things I should be doing... those of you who are have detoxed or are currently detoxing probably understand. I'm on my 10th day out of 11 days off of adderall entirely. I ran in the tough mudder last Saturday and decided to take half of one dose (about 7.5 mg) upon waking just so I could function, since were were leaving around 7. Was I proud of this? No, but I feel justified in the fact it was my only hiccup since the 14th (first day off). How has it been? Well, the first few days were pretty slow... I had a REALLY hard time finding motivation to do anything. Luckily I had been reading about ways to keep my energy up just to function somewhat normally, and I've pretty much been living off of a Vitamin-C/B-Complex along with 1000 to 1500 mg of l-tyrosine in the first few hours upon waking everyday, as well as one to two 5 hour energy's throughout the day. I've also been drinking coffee and tea occasionally, just so my body isn't destroyed by 5 hour energy's. I recently bought yerba mate, which actually just got in today, and I like it so far. I can feel a little boost of energy and concentration from it. I am still lacking the motivation I had while on adderall, and honestly I don't think I will ever get that back. I have been better at sitting down and actually filling out applications and calling hiring departments back, but it takes preparation and I definitely have to be energized in order to do things (in other words, after 8 or 9 pm, my concentration is toast and I hardly ever get anything done). I have read a lot on here about people really, really struggling to get out of bed those first few days, and I think it has a lot to do with the dosage. I can't even imagine taking 90 mg of adderall a day and then quitting cold turkey. I had weened myself down to one pill a day the week before I quit and then quit cold turkey, so it was really only 15 when I stopped. The point of this was not to diss on those taking 90 mg by any means. I'm trying to be empathetic by saying that I understand; if I were taking 90 mg a day, there is no way I would still be sober by now. Kudos to those of you who have quit after taking that much. You are champions. I have faith that given another week or so I'll feel even better, and it will only get better after that. Does anybody have any further suggestions besides the tyrosine-b complex-5 hour energy combo. I have looked at a lot of forums and these seem to be the most common detox "helpers" if you will. This is a pretty long post, and kind of all over the place. There are things I could expand on, so if anybody has a question, feel free to ask. Thank you everybody for reading and I hope that maybe I can help somebody who is thinking about quitting by showing them that it does get better with time.