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Found 6 results

  1. It's my time

    Hello everyone. Long time viewer of, first time poster. I am 23 years old, and have been on 30mg XR for 3 years. My story doesn't differ from most of what you find on here, but today is a big day for me, so I figured I'd join in. Today is my last day on adderall. Here is my story (it is lengthy, but I figured if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right) All throughout my life, up until the start of my senior year in high school, I never drank, smoked, took adderall, or took part in anything else that you could throw under that umbrella of what I like to call the "fake living facilitators." In a class of 350, I was voted class clown, I was up for homecoming king, I won Mr. East High (my high school's fun competition every year where the senior guys compete in a talent show to make the audience laugh, and then judges select finalists. these finalists answer questions from the panel, and then they decide on who is Mr East High. think of it as a satyrical beauty pageant) Anyways, I digress, lol. Not to toot my horn, but I loved life, wasn't afraid to really live it, and didn't care about what others thought about me. That all changed in college when I became a full blown pot head. I tried ecstasy, shrooms, prescription pills, cocaine, salvia, etc. Somehow, I made it through my freshman year pretty easily as far as my GPA was concerned. I like to think that I'm naturally intelligent, very well spoken, and far too good of a liar. These attributes have gotten me through some pretty bleak times in my life. Anyways, just before the start of my sophomore year, at the age of 19, I got a DUI. I thought "this is it, I'm going to change my life, live at home for awhile, and get back to my old self. Just like I was in high school." I followed through on that plan... Sort of. I DID live at home with my parents, but I still smoked weed and drank. Surprisingly, yet again, I made it through my sophomore year academically, and I even finished the year on the Dean's list! Keep in mind, this whole time I am lying to my parents about where I am going, drinking regularly, smoking weed almost daily, and prolonging any chances I ever had of getting back to the real me. However, I did join a small fraternity during the second semester of my sophomore year, because I thought that I could make a new group of friends that didn't partake in all of the crazy, stupid stuff that I had been filling my life with. This plan backfired. While I did meet some great new friends in this fraternity, not all of them were much different than who I had become: a directionless pothead who loved to do anything if it meant that I didn't have to be sober and deal with my reality. My social anxiety was at an all time high, I felt worthless, and I constantly wanted to smoke weed. Once I got high, I would become a shell of any real human being. I would sit with my friends, in silence, and the only thing that was on my mind was how I used to be the guy that everyone wanted to hang out with because I could make anyone laugh their ass off. I had nothing to say, I was scared of sounding stupid, and I was ashamed of myself. Then my Junior year began. I was 20 years old, and my lifestyle started to catch up with my education. I started off the semester in a terrible slump, and I did not know how I was going to make it through college without dropping out. My parents are very well off, and they were paying for a large portion of my college education, letting me live at their house rent-free, providing me food, and a car. I could not let them down. My mom, a nurse practitioner, asked me if I had ever taken an ADHD test. I said I hadn't. She suggested that I take a questionnaire that she would bring home from the office. I did, and sure enough, my answers showed that I more than likely had ADHD. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor, and I ended up getting prescribed 20 mg adderall XR. There's Something you all should know about me: I love video games. I worked at a GameStop, and playing PS3 and Xbox 360 were probably my two biggest hobbies. I would love to get high and/or drunk and play them. As a matter of fact, I only played them if I was high and/or drunk, because they weren't fun to me anymore if I wasn't, and I was high and/or drunk everyday! This was why my education was beginning to slip, and adderall was my chance to turn it all around. Boy, did I have ZERO clue about where my journey was headed. The day after I received my adderall, I woke up at 8:30 for my 9:00 class, got ready, popped my first orange capsule, and headed out for class. This particular class was one of my least favorite classes of all time, and I hated going, but that particular morning, everything changed. It was 9:30, halfway through the class, and all of a sudden, a feeling poured over me. I felt like I was spontaneously reborn. I felt like I could actually listen to the professor talk. I wanted to participate in the discussion! But then other things happened. I wanted to draw in my notebook. I wanted to drive my car. I wanted to try anything with this new sensation my body was experiencing! But then, the best idea came to me: I wanted to fucking play VIDEO GAMES! "I would be so good at them, that it wouldn't be fair to eveyone else online," I thought to myself. Class got out, I drove my car home in NASCAR fashion, because I felt like I was the best civilian car pilot who ever drove, and I fired up Modern Warfare 2 on my PS3... I was doomed. I ended up skipping most of my classes that semester because of how adderall exploded my gaming addiction. My sleep schedule went haywire: going to bed at 5am, and waking up @ 8am because I had to fool my parents into thinking I was going to my morning class. I'd pop a pill, go get McDonald's breakfast, sit in the football field parking lot, listened to Dan Patrick's sport show on the radio, and then go home and furiously game. This went on for the remainder of the semester, and I only managed one C- out of my 4 classes. The rest were F's. My parents didn't know what to do. I told them the adderall was working, but I started taking it too late into the semester. I told them I needed to find my own place to live because I was becoming restless, and that next semester I would buckle down and turn my grades around. I ended up finding an apartment near the campus, and a good friend of mine to live with so we could both afford it. The next semester started off pretty well. I was still on adderall, still playing video games way too much, but I learned to control it so that I could get through school. I wasn't hanging out with my pot smoking fraternity friends as much, but I still smoked with them about once a week or so. I drank many nights a week with my roommate because we both loved to game, and we both loved beer. Things definitely were not turning around, but I was managing to get by in school. Then, the best week of my life occurred: the week I met Megan. It was March, midway through the semester, and it was Greek Week. A week where my fraternity, another fraternity, and the only sorority on campus competed in fun events to see who the best Greek organization was at Morningside College. To kick the week off, all three groups went bowling that Monday night. We were all having a good time, I was on my adderall, feeling like a champion, goofing around with my fraternity brothers, and then it was my turn to throw. I walked up to the lane and I noticed a group of fraternity girls were watching me. I was having a good night, and for some reason, my personality felt like it did back in high school: care free, funny, and totally in the moment. I rolled my ball down the lane, and when my ball crashed into the pins I thrust my hips forward really hard, making all my fraternity brothers, and the group of sorority girls watching laugh. I recognized one of the girls, Megan, from a class I was taking that semester. She was laughing at my hip-thrust celebration, and yelled at me something like "oh that's nice!" I joked back at her, and I knew she was diggin me. Later that week, during the outdoor events, I decided I would flirt with Megan. During the baloon shaving contest, I noticed that both her and I weren't participating, so I walked over to stand by her to watch our teams compete. I got my hands on a bottle of shaving cream, and started joking around with her. I was making her laugh, and we were flirting pretty hard. The next day, i asked her out to dinner. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, and I thought a bunch of our friends would be coming along too. It ended up being just me and her, and we had a great time. After dinner, we were talking out in the parking lot, and I gave her a big hug. I pussied out when it came to kissing her, and the whole drive home I kept kicking myself because I didn't. But I was smiling. I had a different feeling about Megan. Different than with any other girl that I had ever met. For the first time during my life on adderall, something other than adderall or video games started to occupy my thoughts. The next night, I invited her to come drink with my fraternity at our building and watch March Madness. We ended up sharing our first kiss that night. She made the first move, she beat me to it lol. I stayed the night at her apartment, and I asked her to be my girlfriend that night. Fast forward 3 years to now I graduated, have a great job, and am happy. Without Megan, I don't know where I would be. Now to the sad part. The part where, right here and now, am on my last day with adderall... I let my adderall addiction and video game addiction sabotage my relationship with Megan. We lived with each other, and I put her in tears more times than I care to admit, but she stood by me. She never knew how many nights I stayed up gaming, high on adderall. I wouldn't want to go to her hometown to see her family because I wanted to stay here and play games with my friends and take adderall. We shared an amazing relationship with one another. Great sex, we made each other laugh constantly, we cared about each other, and we both wanted to be with each other forever. But then there was adderall. I stopped smoking because of her. I started focusing on finishing school because of her, but because of adderall, I kept up with my staying up all night to play video games habit. Right up until a month before graduation, she was looking for a new job because her position was going to be cut by the college. She couldn't find anything here in town, so she took a job back in her home town. She turned down a job 3 hours away that she really wanted because I wouldn't look for a job there, and was too stubborn. Before she moved, she helped me with my résumé, and I found a job that I really wanted. Throughout her struggles finding a new job, and dealing with the pain of me not wanting to move with her, she STILL cared enough about me to help me get employed. We did the long distance thing. I was depressed and starting drinking again because she was gone. I was succeeding at work, only because I had adderall. I still played a ton of video games, but I noticed that I felt alone. Adderall stripped me of any motivation to find friends or reconnect with old ones. I wanted to work, go home, play video games, and go to bed. I finally started to work on myself: start working out, stop gaming, start letting Megan know that I would be a better boyfriend, but it was too late. She wanted to break up. I was a mess... Looking back, I never gave myself a chance to revert back to my normal self. If it wasn't weed, it was alcohol, if it wasn't alcohol, it was some prescription drug, and during it all, I relied on adderall to get me through everyday. I know this story jumps around a lot, and might not have the most focused message, but just know this: I am done with adderall. Starting tomorrow, I am going to get the old me back. Work will be hard, but I want to feel like me again. The me I was 5 years ago. Megan made me feel closest to my real self, yet I never gave her a chance to get to know the real me. The love I feel for her is so real, but I never gave her the chance to see me at my best. Adderall, you have helped me get through some terrible times, and made me feel great when I shouldn't have, but you have hijacked my chance at pure, real, genuine happiness. Megan knows I am quitting adderall, starting to exercise, sleeping normally, reconnecting with old friends, but she has already moved on. Now, I've got to do it for me. I owe it to myself, and I owe it to her, to not let her efforts in helping me grow throughout our 3 year relationship go in vein. I cannot wait to feel real again. I know it will be a hard road, because I've been so dependent on this stupid drug, and binged far too many nights, but it will be worth it. Whether I get Megan back or not, I will get ME back, and that is the most important thing in the world. If you're reading this line, it either means you skipped to the end or read this entire post. Whatever the case, here is what I want you to take from this entire story: (confusing and crazy as it was, being I am on adderall still, LAST DAY BABY!) : Adderall leads you into a fake existence. Some people need it to function, I understand, but if you're thinking about quitting then chances are you never needed it in the first place! Be you! Life is meant to be experienced in all of its glory and pitfalls! You don't need a crutch! I forget who said it, but on this website I read something that I'd like to repeat "I'd rather slog through life than speed through it on adderall" stop speeding up your life! Slow down! Really FEEL things, find out what is truly important to YOU! I am starting tomorrow. Work is going to suck, and I'll probably want to sleep constantly for awhile. ...but I can't wait for that first pill-free morning when i wake up and say "I can't wait for today"... Thanks for reading, and if I got to talk to any of you in person, I could make the story make a little more sense. Left some details out, but you get the picture. Here is a quote I came up with yesterday, and I'm going to live by it from now on "throw away your vices, life is full of real spices, that will bring you amazing surprises, time to stop being so lifeless" Thank You, Tom
  2. Clean for 9 years

    This is an amazing website, I knew there were more like us somewhere. Adderall came close to ending my life. When I started taking Adderall I was a clinical nurse for a pediatric cardiac surgeon and newly divorced single mother working 12 hours a day. It was my way of coping and doing what I needed to do to survive. Unfortunately I had access to a signed prescription pad and to make a long story short I wrote and had filled 197 prescriptions over7 years before being caught. I wrote the last one September 6, 2007 and have been clean ever since. It hasn't been easy. Not staying clean as much as living with the consequences. I was the last person you would think about abusing drugs. High school cheerleader, homecoming court to graduating my university magna cum laude. I worked in Cardiovascular Intensive Care 10 years and then worked for Cardiac Surgeons as their nurse. My son was diagnosed ADD in 1st grade and told me he didn't want to take his Medicine that I tried it for the first time. I wanted to know what it was he didn't like. The 1st one I took made me feel like what I had always thought normal people felt like. I struggled with major depression and anxiety my whole life and it alleviated that with the first dose. Five years later I was taking 180mgs 3-4 times a day. It's been 8 years and even though I was able to have my criminal record expunged and, get my Nursing license back without disciplinary action, I feel as though I threw my life away. I make it day to day in a very mundane office job that thank God gave me the chance to work again and meet the requirements of the board of nursing, I am board to tears. When I was able to seek employment again without restrictions and a clean criminal record, my history was always retrievable some where on the Internet and kept me from getting another job. I am thankful for having another chance at life, I can't help but feel I deserve what ever comes my way. Regrets and shame serve no purpose, but for me they are always there no matter how much therapy I have.
  3. Quitting secretly.

    Ok, so i'm going to share my entire story here because i have never told anyone and for years i kept the fact that i took Adderall secret, so now i am quitting in secret & finding this website & just getting this out & knowing i'm not literally as alone as i feel is relieving. I started Adderall after my ex boyfriend handed me one, & told me it was "just like a pain pill." After, Adderall became our entire relationship. I was already seeing a psychiatrist so one day we decided what i could tell him to possibly get Adderall prescribed to me. It worked, we just became two Adderall zombies. Taking dose after dose, we were together but ignoring each other completely except when we were feeling "chatty." Things went downhill the more and more we took it. All the while having our happy Adderall times together, our relationship turned into a dysfunctional mess of violence, paranoia, and apathy as well. Our relationship went on in cycles like this for a year and a half until he decided to leave for the Air Force. We thought everything would magically be better. He would come back and everything would be fine. He asked me for all kinds of information, so i would be invited to his graduation, he said he would call when he could, or write, & then he got out of my car & I never saw him again. I stayed off Adderall while he was in basic, fully motivated and ready to start our life together, i waited and waited to hear from him. His time in basic was over, i saw pictures of his graduation all over his father's facebook. This hit me hard, and i ran back to Adderall, he had completely erased me from his life. I started to party a lot, hanging out with everyone i could, mixing adderall with anything around, doing the stupidest stuff, many times i was afraid i was going to die, but i didn't care. I was heartbroken and Adderall distracted me from that until the comedowns. i still waited to hear from him for the rest of the year, having dramatic comedowns. I slowed down on the partying and going out all the time, and became more seclusive, hiding at home all day on Adderall, doing useless things, speeding around, not leaving the house ever. I kept taking more and more Adderall. My life became a huge fog. I just sped around not meaning anything not truly feeling anything, and being extremely impulsive. I had became a totally different person. Now, I want to quit. I want to feel like i can do things without a pill. I want to be me and not that person i created from taking Adderall. I am absolutely serious about this. This is not how i want to continue to live my life, & I do not want to schedule my life around a drug anymore. I just want to stop completely. If you read this, i'm really sorry, i should've just summed this up to be shorter hahaha! But also, THANK YOU. I am too ashamed in real life to admit, even though people close to me no doubt know about my Adderall problem, i have secluded myself from everyone and no one knows i am going through this struggle of quitting...
  4. This has to stop!

    Hello everyone! Well, I've been sitting in front of this keyboard for the past hour and I've finally worked my way down to the message part. I must have rewritten my topic title a hundred times, before coming up with just 4 words. I was diagnosed with say ADHD and BPII almost 10 years ago. I have been abusing my ADHD meds for almost 10 years now! I have pretty much hurt everyone that has ever loved me in my entire life! Dissapointing my 20 yr old daughter and my 24 year old son have become something they are pretty used to. I always said that I could stop, if I just had the right kind of support. Well, the right kind of support and I have been together for about a year and 2 months now. She's the first person that didn't make me feel like she was doing me a favor by sticking around. I love her so very much! This will not be easy, but I am ready to do the work! I miss my family and I'm pretty sure they miss me too! I'm looking forward to making some new friends! Have a great day!!
  5. why not read me?

    I don't even know how I came across this site in the first place? or if any real human being will lay eyes on it..but for some reason unknown I feel the need to share my experience with the 'limitless drug' as I'd refer to it. I was actually on it earlier, and since then I've downed a bowl as of cereal 5 minutes ago, that's right! I'm coming down <-- (sarcastic smiley) guess I'll start now. I've been addicted since day 1 of trying the drug for starters, and have been taking it for almost a year now. way before trying it I was against any pills and had my innocent morals still in tact. probably one of my most regretted decisions in life was letting a friend coerce me into taking it.(shitty friend, right?) I am no where near as much a fiend as I was from the get-go. I would spaz trying to find my happy pill, and go to extreme lengths to get it. now I am prescribed and not a huge concern for me until I'm almost out. In the beginning I never thought it was a huge deal taking it because it actually made me outgoing and love stuff I normally despised, I saw the better side of EVERYTHING on it. but after months and months of taking it I reaped more and more side effects that sucked beyond belief. dry mouth and insomnia were normal already. I began getting stress headaches from the hyper focus aspect, tooth sensitivity, swimmers ear, massive confusion, and memory problems, serious anxiety/agitation. when I was on it though. (plus I began feeling like a weirdo bringing a drink with me everywhereeeee). It's sad because I honestly don't remember what it's like not using it at all. I crave to know what it's like being happy because I'm just naturally happy. I see all these other people sober and happy but it seems unrealistic since I've known what happiness feels like on the drug and it is amazing a lot of times. music sounds better, going out of my way to be social with friends is something I love doing, and being generally content. but it's all really just a co-dependence. every reason I tell myself to take it is the addiction to it talking. It's like I'm possessed at times and right now I AM writing. one day hopefully I will find that, because there is truth to the saying nothing worth having, comes easy. -addict
  6. New here need answers

    I am 53yrs old started taking adderall in may 2012. I had been diagnosed 3 yrs ago for the purpose of 1 having the ADD documented 2 to try medication. I tried back then liked at first then quit I can't remember which 2 meds I tried but I tried 2. it was great at 1st and I lost 20 lbs then I lost myself. my son had died a year before so i concluded that was why i didn't like the effect of the meds. the other part of why i quit is they seem to quit working. I decided to try again this time because i have gotten so behind on yard and and housework and gained a bunch of weight in the last 2 years i thought i would lose my mind sooo overwhelmed.( i had both knees replaced sept 2010 at the same time) not to mention all the other life-changing events in those 2 years. I got a perscription things went really well the 1st 2 months or so i stayed focused got stuff done didn't lose much weight this time. problem is now i am back to be overwhemed and cannot focus again. is it normal for someone to go back to ADD after only 2 months of taking meds? i did up the dose 10mg still not good. Do you think could someones condesending comments about how i am not getting things done in a quick enough fashion and thay they could have it all done in 1/4 of the time have that much of an emotional effect that I just shut down again. what ever it is this sucks. please help. dazed&confuzed Ps does adderall make you sweat