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Found 54 results

  1. Beginning of the end

    Hi guys, I've been lurking on the forum for a couple of weeks now I've gathered enough motivation to call it off for good. Like many of us here, my dex (Australian version of adderall) use is closely tied to academic performance. I'm actually completing my last 2 subjects of my bachelors degree and my final exam is in a week! I have been using stimulants for school-work since 16, so this is a huge jump after 5 years of use. Prior to stimulants, I was a disorganised, unmotivated mess who did everything last minute. I'm still the same person. The delusion of dex-fuelled efficiency is well and truly over. *sigh* I thought I'd post this to hold myself accountable throughout this journey. I was committed to quitting two days ago, when I took 7.5mg IR and did shit all. All I felt was a stiff neck and regret. Yesterday, I had an insanely productive dex-free day using the pomodoro method. I made my way through 2.5 hours of lectures!!! I was driven out of pure spite for the drug and being fed-up with having no faith in myself - its a miserable way of life even with stims. The day before (on meds), I only made it through half a lecture. Then, this morning, I got through one horrendously boring lecture and caved around 2pm because I had some serious brain fog. The meds didn't take away the brain fog and actually added a couple of unwanted symptoms. So, I've decided today's dose is my last. This decision is scary and difficult, but I'm kinda nervous-excited for whats ahead. I'm only in my early 20's and these meds have ruined my body. I have cellulite all over my legs like a 60 year old lady. I'm pale and have chronic neck, back and jaw issues. I'm ready to pursuit my health, wellbeing and self-efficacy - all things that were stunted when I started taking meds at 16. I'm determined to start off positive. I've found myself laughing a lot more on my days off meds (something I previously didn't do) - particularly about how comically BORING tasks are. Like jeez, how the fuck did I ever watch 6 lectures in a day and not want to die? As I've decided to do this a week before the end of my degree, I've spent a lot of time reading into productivity tips on this site and elsewhere. If anyone needs some anti-procrastination info, I highly recommend this blog series by WaitbutWhy Lets do this!!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. Starting the Journey

    I have spent a few days reading through various posts and can't tell you how good it feels to know I'm not alone in what I have been going through over the past two decades of taking stimulants. I feel blessed to have found this forum. To understand my relationship with stimulants required me to go back in time to my early twenties (I'm now 41), to my first full time job after completing my undergraduate degree. I had made my way out to Los Angeles after being hired into the Agent Training Program at the William Morris Agency and was now working my way up the showbusiness ladder, paying my dues as they say. My office hours started very early and went quite late and once home I would stay up several more hours trying to chip away at a mountain of scripts given to me that I was required to read and review for the following morning. I was never a great student in school and the American way of teaching and testing was not a great fit for my non traditional style of learning. The result of all that struggle was a solid amount of work-performance anxiety that showed up as I began my career in the entertainment business -- in my head I was always one inch away from being fired. That anxiety lead to psychotherapy with a psychologist who then recommended me to a psychiatrist who after hearing about my insane workload recommended I be put on an antidepressant and stimulant and thus my entrance into the hamster-wheel of medication had begun. Over the next eighteen years or so, while taking antidepressants and stimulants I excelled and was able to advance my career and achieve many of the goals I set out for myself. All that being said, like many of you, it has come at the cost of my mental and physical health. As I sit here typing my story I figure I have about 45-min to 60-min left on my Adderall XR before I begin to crash out, left with only feelings of extreme exhaustion, mental fog, agitation, depression and anxiety. My productivity, mood, energy, and motivation now revolve around my stimulant doses -- they are running the show. Needless to say this is not how I wish to continue living my life. I have been able to reduce my total daily dosage from 60mg Adderall XR twice daily to 30mg XR twice daily and will try cold turkeying the rest starting tomorrow. I have met with Naturopath specializing in addiction therapy who made some good supplement recommendations that will hopefully ease some of the withdrawal discomfort (attached) and plan to give myself the entire month off from any work responsibilities to begin my healing process. Thank you all for sharing your stories and being part of this special community of support! I know I will be leaning on you in the coming days and weeks. -Gordon
  3. I just joined this forum and looking for support. Here’s my journey! I’ve taken Adderall for over 10 years; I started at age 23 when my mom gave it to me to lose weight. She kept refilling my brother's old Adderall medication, even though he stopped taking it. Yes, my mother was my drug dealer. I was diagnosed with ADD at age 7, but she decided not to medicate me then. So even though I was offended at the reason she gave it to me, I didn’t think I was abusing anything since I was diagnosed, right? Things were “great” for a few years, I did lose the 50lbs I gained post-college, applied for, and graduated from grad school, and moved multiple states growing my career. Then about 6 years ago, my sober boyfriend (Heroin) stole my Adderall and started taking it. I quit right then and there so it wouldn’t be in the house. I remember the withdrawals being terrible, but so many other things were happening during this time that I didn't pay attention to how it affected me after the initial 3 weeks. Shortly after he stole my Adderall, he relapsed again on heroin, and I finally left him after countless rehabs and emotional abuse. I was incredibly depressed and withdrawn from the world for over a year after that. I did see a therapist, and that helped a lot, but I still didn’t think I had what it took to overcome everything by myself. So I started retaking Adderall about 4 years ago because I thought I needed it to be functional again, I Iacked so much self-motivation. I did “successfully” re-enter the world with Adderall, advanced my career, and more importantly stayed single so I could break the terrible relationship patterns I’ve had since I was 16. Shortly after, my mom’s supply was finally dwindling as she was no longer getting refills. I was worried about running out. I set out to legitimize my addiction, I found a doctor to give me a script in my new state. It was terrifying, and I felt like a total fraud, but I got it done. And then I used my old pink pills for weekends and going out. For the last year, I’ve felt that I couldn't physically take Adderall 7 days a week, my body told me I couldn’t handle it, and so usually 1-2 days a week I've been fucked bc of withdrawals. I’ve wanted to officially quit because I didn’t want a drug to control me, but I didn’t know how I could manage the withdrawals full-time. I am a new director for a tech company, I have a side business, and I do improv 3-days a week. Always an excuse. Then COVID-19 came along, and I knew I’d never have another chance like this to be home for this long uninterrupted, so no more excuses. The first 2 weeks, I started tapering during workdays and went cold turkey on weekends. Then I got the coronavirus and couldn’t work anyways, that was April 30th, and I haven’t had a pill since then, and I plan to continue cold-turkey. I’m grateful that I was able to leverage this quarantine for my wellbeing. I finally feel better and kicked the worst of the withdrawals and higher spirits, yet still a little foggy, though. I am terrified of PAWs. I just want all of this to be over. It’s been a wild 10 years. Before I started this journey, I didn’t think my addiction was the same as my ex’s, but it is... he couldn’t function without heroin, and I thought I couldn’t function without Adderall.
  4. Hi everyone, My name is Melinda and I am writing an article about adderall and its users. If you fit this description, please keep reading: -heavy user/addict OR ex heavy user/addict -ages 16-25 OR used when ages 16-25 -grew up in suburbs I would like to share your story in an informative article that I am submitting to many mainstream magazines. It is about adderall as a trend, especially in many wealthy suburbs. I am exploring this phenomenon and your story would really help some people. You can remain anonymous if you like. If you are interested in participating and being interviewed via email, please emails . Let me know if you have any questions, and thank you for reading!
  5. Finally quit--Day 8

    So I'm new here. After reading everyones' adderall stories, I felt like it was time to share mine... forgive me if this gets a little long-winded (also forgive my stupid user name--it was chosen in the spirit of remaining anonymous!) I am going to try and focus on only the relevant parts of my story because I can feel myself about to go down a rabbit hole. I recently quit Adderall after almost 3 years of habitual use, which started in grad school. I'll start with some background. I don't think I am textbook ADD or ADHD---I always did well in school, though it was never too hard. I am what you call a daydreamer, creative type. I hate to read instructions. I can focus on things if I find meaning in it, which can sometimes turn into obsession. Weirdly though, I also can be extremely complacent, even lazy, about some really important things. Its like an all or nothing focus, which hinges on the level of interest and intrinsic personal significance I find in the subject, which probably isn't that unusual. As you might be able to tell, I'm having to rediscover myself a bit without the Adderall, which makes me sad for the time I lost. I never really "abused" it in the traditional sense, but I was using too much, too often. Like many others, I started out at 20 mg, and went to up to 30, plus some. 60 mg was the most I ever used. When I got it, everything was great... for about six months--I was SUPER skinny and confident, and more social than ever. I also really liked that adderall made me bulletproof emotionally. I was so much more task oriented--things beyond the task at hand didn't phase me. This wasn't me--I am a super sensitive person, and I used rehash every interaction in my head at ungodly hours of the night. I was surprised with the way I would act socially, and not in a good way-- I was not smooth and could be really assertive/almost abrasive, and I don't think my true self was ever really comfortable with my new way of interacting with people. This did have some positives though. I felt powerful and energetic, like there was nothing I couldn't do. Anyway, I quickly became addicted. I couldn't get out of bed without it and used it to do things that were supposed to be "fun." Pretty soon I wasn't doing anything for fun and I spiraled into a depression that has continued to get worse. My adderall use peaked when I was a studying for a major exam after grad school, one that had huge implications for my career and educational investment. Point being, I think the whole experienced changed something in my brain. I can be an anxious, type A, obsessive person as it is, and the adderall pushed me over the edge. I wasn't ready to see that at the time, though. I would spend HOURS picking at my face, like I was on meth. I RUINED my skin (it is better now, I do have scars and it will never be my pre-adderall skin). And the isolation. Adderall isolates you and sucks the emotion out of you--you don't even realize its happening. I was so numb and unhappy, but I didn't stop. I got a job after I found out I passed my test and of course continued to take adderall. Although I was back down to 30 mg, I started to realize the life I made for myself wasn't me, it was something adderall me had created. I couldnt shake the feeling of emptiness, wondering what my life would have been like had I never gone down this road. It started to become more clear that everything was all wrong. My life was completely devoid of all happiness and joy. I gradually started taking less adderall, and gradually started to hate my job more and more. I became more and more depressed. So now you're pretty much caught up. I managed to cut my dose down to 15 mg per day. I ran out right before Thanksgiving. Its been about two weeks since I ran out (I took it one last time at day 6, so I restarted the clock and now I'm on day 8). The thing that I am struggling with the most is feeling the flood of emotions coming back to me, the overwhelming depression, and the sense that my true self was frozen in time for those 3 years. I am not used to having to handle my crazy emotions and I don't remember how to deal with the constant barrage of thoughts and feelings. The thought that my true, non-adderall self could have matured and experienced personal growth during that time makes me more depressed and sad. I don't know where I am getting the strength to keep going and or how I'm not turning back to adderall, but I like being able to feel and take in the moment--even if it is sad and depressing. I was finally at a point where I was miserable on adderall and willing to acknowledge that. And because of that I am willing to try something else. The fact that I am feeling again and not stuffing my emotions with a pill gives me hope that maybe things will get better. Maybe this will all be the catalyst I needed to change things and go in a different direction. Maybe it's the right direction, or at least a better one. Anyway, thanks for reading.
  6. Sometimes I think, I wish I had never been introduced to Adderall. Because had I not, I would have experienced 2 years of life that I lost to this drug. But I learned so much about myself through this whole process, and I believe I am a stronger individual because of it. As a disclaimer, I write this as someone who has never had ADHD or needed any such medication. How it began: The story of how I started abusing this drug begins like many others. I was excelling at a (very) competitive university all on my own, but one day I decided to take an Adderall that was offered to me. It was just half of a 10 mg and I loved it. With my heart beating fast and euphoria racing through my veins, I studied all night and the next day. I conned my way into getting a prescription and the rest is history. I would rip through my high-dosage bottles after 2 weeks. This occurred for two years. Through my addiction, I gained a fair amount of weight and lost confidence. My addiction weakened my resolve all around, and made me a person I didn't recognize. I didn't sleep, I binge ate carbs, I was grouchy, I was antisocial and awkward. I'd rather have cleaned my room than hang out with my friends. (I'm sure if you're reading this, you are familiar with all of this). I tried to quit a few times, but it failed when I became miserable and anxious over my laziness and constant snacking. With the stress of school, and seeing pictures of myself with extra weight on myself, I would always get back on the Adderall. It was a vicious, vicious cycle: Decide it’s time to quit —> binge eat, sleep all day—> hate myself, become anxious about school/work —> get back on Adderall —> tweak out, not sleep —> build up tolerance/run out of pills —> decide it’s time to quit —> binge eat, sleep—>anxiety—> get back on, ETC.! HOW TO CONQUER IT: A vicious cycle is the damn truth. I wish I had a better solution for you but the truth is: the only way out is THROUGH. You have to give yourself the withdrawal month or 2 months of being lazy, of snacking, of sleeping. You’ve got to find a way to be OK with gaining weight and being lazy. You’ve got to give yourself the self compassion that you need, instead of beating yourself up about the whole thing. As someone who is extremely self-critical about my looks and my willpower, I’ll admit this is not an easy thing to do. But here is where you have to put the big picture into vision. You either go through this time in your life, and yes it’s going to suck, OR you continue to lose your life to this drug. You stay in the same damn Adderall cycle for the rest of your life. You miss out on real human interaction, on feeling the humanness that bonds us to people. You miss out on love, laughter, and life. At times, it’s going to seem “not worth it” to quit. I experienced this in my cycle when I tried to quit and failed. I would think, “omg, I can’t now, I have this big event where I need to look good, or this big test!”. But tell me- when are you going to do it? Is there ever an ideal time? Well, no there’s really not. Because life is always going to seem better when you’re not a lazy slug, off your meds eating half the pantry. But like I said, you’ve gotta go through it. That is truly, truly, the only way out. No more time for excuses: “I’m gonna get really skinny then get off Adderall; I’m gonna nail this test then go off.” Because you’re literally always going to have those excuses. Put your blinders on and focus on what really matters. And give yourself compassion. Life is hard, you’re only human. But quitting is truly the BEST thing you can do for yourself. Making that decision and doing it is admirable, and you should be proud of yourself. Be proud of yourself even as you’re sitting there devouring a bag of Doritos and napping for 3 hours. When you feel like yourself again (and you will), you’re going to care about yourself and your wellness. You’re going to lose that weight and get back into shape the way you used to: exercise and healthy eating, NOT Adderall starvation. It’s not going to be easy watching yourself transform from a tweaked-out busy bee to a lazy slug; but for you to become the pre-Adderall YOU again, that transformation has to happen. You will become the person you are meant to be when you end the cycle once and for all. Those are the things I learned from my experience quitting. I am still working on getting back in shape and building up my good habits again, but I can tell you that I’m a huge leap and bound away from the slug that I was in my withdrawal month/2 months. Most importantly however, I am myself again. I feel ease in my soul because I am living life as the woman I was born to be. So last words about quitting: It sucks when you’re in it but STAY IN IT to make it out. The only way out is through. And you WILL make it through. Give yourself compassion, give yourself time. You got this.
  7. Hi all, It's been a while since Ive posted but I do check the site every now and then. I've been off adderall for about 7 months now. It has been a learning experience and I would like to share it.. I recently switched therapists and psychiatrists which has been better help. I was recently going to a clinic which was not the best help as far as figuring out the help I truly needed. I told them how I was diagnosed for ADHD but never actually tested for it. My main symptoms have always been anxiety and depression as result of being a child growing up with domestic violence. They say that it sounds like not sitting still in class and never having proper focus is result of all the problems I was seeing at home. It makes sense. This whole time I diagnosed myself with ADHD expecting a script for adderall to just figure out my life and make me a "normal" student. Kinda sad. I see a lot of people dealing with lack of motivation and tiredness after quitting. I too, suffer from that but I have done some shaping in my life to where I have to push myself to be motivated. My work schedule is me working at 6am which motivates me to get a full nights rest if not I will not be able to work to my fullest potential. Also, pushing myself to see how long I can go without caffeine in the day is another thing Ive been doing just to see what it does to my body. Anyway, just thought I would share this. I hope everyone is doing okay.
  8. My wake-up call

    Hi, I apparently set up an account some time ago and I don't even remember doing so. I have been taking Adderall and also often abusing it, since 2000 and I am now convinced this addiction is why I ended my marriage to a loving husband. I was in the throes of one of the stages; irritable, blaming, angry, depressed, anxious, confused, no motivation, living only to take the dose in the morning, and feeling the problems were my spouse's fault. I have been able to free myself from Adderall about three or four times but never permanently. I am currently unable to hold a job although I have a master's degree and I don't know myself. I can't make the simplest decision. I have become so depressed and anxious that I decided to try one more time to get off Adderall, about two or so weeks ago. The first time I went off, I was in rehab for something else and it was incidental to the other rehab. I was in Arizona and it was January. My bleeding painful fingertips healed while I was there and when I got home, I figured it was the warm, dry, weather. I eventually, rather quickly, got back on Adderall. Now, four years later, I'm free of Adderall for about one or two weeks; having tried to wean down the dose. I never attributed it to Adderall, but my feet and toes hurt and my thumb and fingertips had painful, bleeding, cracks/fissures that made it hard to hold a pen or type. So...two weeks into this experiment, now taking 30 mg/day of Cymbalta due to extreme depression, I notice...fissures are completely closed and healing like some magic thing happened! And it's winter and it's 0 degrees and I'm NOT in Arizona. I'm in the same weather that caused me to need gloves all the time and no amount of lotion would sooth the cracks. Oh, I also am now pre-diabetic and there is no diabetes in my family, I weigh 127#, and I eat green smoothies and whole grains, white meat chicken, a little chocolate now and then, etc. It's just weird. I looked up this site and wow, read the stages of adderall addiction and now I know why my anxiety has been off the charts. I had all of it; almost into the final brain damage phase. It's terrifying to me because even knowing how shitty I feel on Adderall, I am not sure I can abstain in the future. I was never able to stop it for more than a few days; a few weeks if lucky; and the one time, while in rehab for 10 weeks. I have to stay on this forum. I was at NA a few months ago and gave up trying to quit; getting that relief from use with the first dose; then the second day, no sleep and feeling shitty again. Then telling myself, those addicts are abusing Heroine and Meth and they will laugh at me if I tell them I'm trying to stay off adderall. In fact, once someone told me, if you have ADHD, you don't need to stop it and it's ok; not an addiction. This roller coaster has to stop. I just want to work and not feel so terrified all the time. Thanks to anyone reading and please comment if you have any thoughts. I feel unmotivated, insecure, indecisive, and very scattered. Thank you!
  9. 6 months out--hasn't been hard at all

    Hi guys, I haven't been on this site for a while now but I just wanted to give some hope to anyone struggling to quit. I've been completely clean with no relapses since May. It really hasn't been hard. This is for a few reasons: -I got married and my husband doesn't support my former stimulant use. Fair enough--he knows it brought me to a bad place. Once you're married two become one and your partner has some say in how you use/abuse your body and health. I wouldn't support my husband becoming an alcoholic or drug addict either. -I live in a region where it would be hard to find a practitioner to prescribe ADHD meds--for anyone--cognitive behavioral therapy is much more accepted in France. And I moved away from Paris where there was that one psychiatrist making bank off of prescribing Ritalin (no adderall here) to American study abroad students. Hence, there is also pretty much no black market where I'd be able to get the drugs if I wanted to go that route. No temptation=no relapse. -I'm 4 months pregnant, and so happy about it! Stimulants during pregnancy is a huge NO NO but unfortunately I see lots of women in pregnancy forums that still manage to find doctors to prescribe them adderall, and find all sorts of ways to justify their use even though they know it's wrong. No one should take adderall during pregnancy, period. Don't care if you have the most severe ADHD in the world. It would be illegal for someone to prescribe me that here. It's so sad how many American doctors are basically owned by the drug lobby. Most importantly, I just want to reassure people, withdrawal symptoms are probably in your head! Even when I used to be terrified I ODed, during my comedowns, half of those symptoms were in my head! Like, my fingers and toes still get red for no reason sometimes. I still obsess over stupid things on my computer sometimes, as if I were tweaking. It was never really just the adderall, it was just me and I'm just quirky. At first if you're feeling tired all the time, less motivated, well that's just what life is like for people who don't abuse stimulants. Honestly I personally had zero withdrawal symptoms even after a history of some pretty hefty daily consumption. Drink lots of water, good nutrition, coffee, exercise, and you'll probably lead and pretty decent and healthy life like most people without addictions. I haven't gained much weight (even for a pregnant lady.) I'm a lot funnier and livelier and all my relationships are better. So--quitting is great! Keep it up!
  10. Quitting (again)

    Hi guys- I haven't been on here since the last time I said I was quitting because that attempt failed miserably, but I know why... even though I knew I needed to quit, deep down I didn't want to. I still loved Adderall. I still loved being high and feeling productive. I just got done with a week of taking 50 mg a day.. and I am SO OVER THIS DRUG. The high's aren't even enjoyable anymore and not sleeping SUCKS. I don't party on the weekends anymore, going to crazy after hours raves like I used too, nor do I have to worry about school so taking this much Adderall just doesn't make since in my life anymore. Im four months into a nine month acting intensive and the weeks where I am taking more addy than normal I suck in class, I can't show real emotion and actually forgot what it was like to FEEL HUMAN EMOTIONS. Im seeing how zombie like this drug has made me this year. these classes make me want to stop. I want to stop. It has been two days since my last pill (nothing big), but I actually got out of my apartment and went grocery shopping / allowed myself to come down without feeling guilty about it. I am happy to be feeling down, which is better than cracked out. The ONLY thing I'm worried about is my body.. (stupid I know) but being 22 in LA, man is it nice to have the body I do. Its praised. It makes me money at my strip club. I am going to try and eat healthy, but I know weight gain is inevitable. I have cut off the ties to my doctor and gave the last of my pills to my friend, but I know once I start to gain weight I will want those pills!! I am going to stay close to these boards though because hearing so many of you seeing light at the end of the tunnel will keep me motivated. Also everytime I do something that I could not do on Adderall like take a nap or see a little bit of my real personality I feel great. Its all a mind game. I know the addiction will be on one shoulder telling me all the same stupid reasons I SHOULD take a pill, but on the either side is actually enjoying life again and I am determined to get there. Thanks for listening. xx
  11. Strange habits after quitting? Nail biting

    Hey everyone, I was wondering if anyone else has a similar experience: my entire life I bit my fingernails without being able to ever kick the habit (tried really hard too!), then during my adderall/Ritalin years I stopped biting completely without even realizing it. On adderall, I never had the urge to bite them. It's always about 1-2 weeks after taking my last pill that the nail biting starts again. And obviously it's not as easy as just saying "hey self, don't bite your nails" otherwise nobody would bite their nails in the first place. Have you had similar quirks or habits? Any advice for how to not start biting my nails again this time around? So far I'm just on a general will power/ rewards system (there's a manicure in my future.) And anyone know why this is? This compulsive habit magically stops on adderall, but adderall isn't a good solution. Thanks!
  12. I wasn't sure where to post this topic so I posted it in general discussion. Has anyone taken Lexapro while on Adderall? While I was on adderall for a year I believed I was depressed and my doctor put me on Lexapro. Now Im almost hitting two months off adderall and I'm thinking I should get off the Lexapro as well. I'm scared I won't be able to handle it and become extremely emotionally unstable- although I feel like I'm emotionally numb most of the time. Any advice? Thank you all for being here.
  13. So I'm on one month with no adderall. It's been a struggle. I am hungry all the time, have no motivation, and can see my muscles becoming flimsy. I've been taking L-Tyrosine as recommended as soon as I wake up on an empty stomach- it has been helping. I can see myself gaining weight as a opposed to when I was working out on adderall. It's such a bummer. Though there are some pros to quitting. Time doesn't feel like it's going by as fast. And my mouth isn't as cut up as it use to be. What are so practices that quitters on here have done to help them stay off adderall? To not help them eat all the time? Any book or podcast recommendations? Please help
  14. Tried Many Times to Quit

    Hi everyone. I'm new to these forums, but not new to trying to quit adderall. I'm 22 years old have have been on adderall for 5 years. I took it to help with ADD and initially I thought it really helped. I was actually able to focus on homework and my job and really feel confident in myself. Like all of you know it eventually becomes a curse. Any sort of job I have is traumatic without adderall and is the main reason I keep taking it. I've taken it long enough that the days I don't, I'm so depressed and low on energy to even shower and go anywhere. I can't seem to do anything without the medication and really want off of it. The longest I've ever been able to go without adderall is a week before I am too depressed and lifeless that I feel the need to relapse, usually because of work or piled up chores. I've tried to get by only using adderall situationally but as you all know this always leads to taking it regularly again. Recently I went 5 days without taking it (which is the longest I've gone in a LONG time) and it was more or less do'able until today when I had to work. About an hour and a half in I experienced extreme anxiety and incompetence and just couldn't bare it. Reluctantly I ended up taking the smallest dose I could to make it through the day. I was so sad and felt like this whole week suffering through withdrawals was for nothing. This cycle needs to end. For those of you who quit adderall successfully, what helped? I have a loving family but they don't understand this struggle I'm going through. Every attempt to quit is failed when I feel overwhelming hopelessness during withdrawal and feel like I have no choice but to take a small dose. I'm getting set up with a therapist that I want to see once a day until the most severe withdrawal effects are over. Other than that I have no clue how to go about this the right way... Please anyone, help me beat this. I can't afford to keep losing this battle.
  15. Hi everyone- A few of you know that I have been in denial about quitting / wanting to quit. i thought I could control my dosage and I was lying to myself when I said adderall helps me. Adderall does not do anything but put me in a vicious self destructing cycle. I want my personality, since of humor, and the want for friends back. i want to relax and enjoy life. I binged twice this month. Once at a music festival and then in the following week to work long hours at my job to make up for being out of town. for those of you who do not know, I work as a stripper. A Lot of the other dancers do the job sober, and they make more money because they are not caught up in partying. I hope that once I quit adderall, I will still be able to do my job, because I like it. I know adderall tricks you into thinking you like doing shit you dont, but I love dancing and if anything adderall is hurting my work performance. It makes me disassociate and too cracked out to hold a conversation. Fortunately, I have made enough money during my binge, to go the next month work free and then I will only have to go in twice a week following that month to pay my current bills. That is enough time to get my brain chemically dependent off addy, and then I can see what life will be like as a sober stripper.... that will be interesting. ANYWAY.... I AM FREAKING OUT because I just flushed precious pills down the toilet. I cant believe I did that when I just drove an hour yesterday to buy 15 more to hold me over until I can pick up my script next week. I AM ALSO PROUD OF MYSELF for doing so... I obviously could not do the wean off method.. I failed MISERABLY. I don't have any pills to tempt me, and after reading the articles on this blog about how to quit OVER AND OVER and reading through the forums for hours on addy.... I can say that I am READY to quit. So here it goes guys... here begins my quitting journey... just looking at the first 30 days ahead without adderall scares the shit out of me, but being stuck in this addy tornado forever scares me more. Never thought I would ever flush pills down the toilet.... im sad that I let things get so out of hand, but im also hopeful and ready for a new life. No one knows about my addiction or my quitting, so in a way writing this is my support. I am so lucky to have found this site or else I would have never thought there was hope in recovery.
  16. Rehab for adderall addiction?

    Has anyone gone to rehab? Inpatient or outpatient? If so what was your experience like? My family is very much trying to send me to an inpatient one
  17. I worked in a field that required fast writing on a strict deadline. This had always been challenging but not insurmountable. While on the medication I would sink into a sort of trance. I'd lose track of time in this fog and simple tasks became overwhelming. I would rewrite copy over and over, making insignificant changes and taking forever to complete. I'd re-edit video, fixating on minute details and forgetting the big picture. I would over research every story, reading article after article and then be paralyzed with anxiety to realize I had only minutes to print my work. I told myself I was being a perfectionist and doing a thorough job, but I was really causing stress for my co-workers and ultimately compromising the product for everyone, by missing deadlines and causing chaos by my lateness. I'd vow every morning to be faster, but with the pills, it was more a matter of chemistry than will power. After several warnings I was let go. I made excuses to myself and others but inside I knew the cause of the problem and my responsibility for letting the situation continue. The saddest part is even with this understanding, I continued using. Now I've burned through my unemployment in an endless tunnel of twitter news feeds, podcasts and other internet drifting. No motivation for anything else. I got a lot of reading done and applied for a smattering of jobs over the last 10 months, but in general I'm ashamed because I've never had more free time and accomplished less. Now I've been tapering off and ready to be done forever, but I'm intimidated to start the job quest / return to the world thing without them. The withdrawal funk is intense and I can't let it impede my quest for work. I wasted the luxury of time and savings, so now I'm hoping caffeine and perseverance will get me over the gap. Just found this forum today and it's already been very helpful and encouraging, so thought I'd share. Thanks
  18. Offically cutting the cord

    So I just sent an email to my psych to tell her that I am discontinuing adderall. I've tried to ask to stop in the past but when I am in the room with her I just tense up and accept an up in dose or whatever she wants to try. I didn't get into specifics or the extent to my use but I am hoping this is going to be the end of this hell that taking adderall for the last couple years has sent me to.I wouldn't get to see her for a few months in person so the most immediate way to do this just seemed to be by email which is better because I actually don't think I could have said it to her face. Every time I'd use all my supply I would count the days until I could order another refill even if I was happier being off the adderall which is the most defeating part of all this. I am hoping that since my psych is aware that I am going to stop she will either make it impossible to submit a refill request or she'd simply decline it if I broke down and tried to get another refill later this month. I've taken my month's supply in 3-4 days and I am just about out of pills and I know when I am off adderall I will try to convince myself that I can control myself the next refill. I'll probably tell myself lies about why it's helpful and just ignore the negative side of this drug. Anyways, I don't have anyone who I can talk to especially about this subject, so that's why I'm even posting this. Hoping for the best from this moment forward
  19. How did I get to this point?

    Hey's my introduction and battle with Adderall for anyone who cares to read. Sorry in advance for the long post. First time I took Adderall was like the other 98% of you college trying to studying for finals haha. I tried it for the first time my junior year during finals week, but didn't like how it made me feel or the appetite suppression. It did make me perform academic tasks with ease...however the cons outweighed the "pros" to me at the time. I was a Top 15 Division 1 athlete then so the heart racing and whole not eating thing would have been at the time, I didn't think this was a miracle drug or anything that I actually needed in my life. After my senior year I decided I no longer wanted to pursue a Professional career playing my sport (biggest mistake of my life) so I started Grad School shortly after. I had a roommate at the time who took adderall to study so I would take some of his here and there for a big test or a full day of studying. A few months into school I decided to get my own script, which was easily obtained, and there you have it...I had my first Adderall prescription, 20 mg IR. Throughout school, I never took more than 10 mg at a time and no more than 2-3x a week as I was still very physically active and did not feel the need to take it often. I would take frequent breaks or hiatuses...a months prescription would easily last me 2 months. This lasted about 2 years. Fast forward to beginnig of 2015, this is when the potential abuse started to manifest itself. At the time I was not happy where I was at career-wise and felt like I kept fucking things up. This is when I Got my script changed to 30mg IR...and took it almost daily, taking weekend breaks. I was very physically active at this time, and actually in the best shape of my life, working out actually was the only thing that allowed control over my usage. A few months later.... I started my own business and would occasionally take 45-60mg on days that "I had a lot to do". Over halfway into the year, I got an amazing work opportunity and left the country for 60 days. I wanted to focus on my physical fitness on my downtime, so I left the Adderall at home and went 60 days without it no problem. I thought that would be the end of it, I was no longer in school....I didn't really NEED it anymore, right? Wrong...I was so very wrong. I remember the first time I took quadruple my prescribed dose, January 2016. A few days before, I had been informed my Father had been air lifted to the ER because he had been in septic shock and was currently in ICU. I work in Emergency Medicine so I know more than the average individual about how serious his circumstance is. There was a point where his outcome was uncertain. And that's the day I took 120 mg of Adderall, immersed myself into my work, and tried to forget what was actually happening in my world. I felt awful the next day. I didn't sleep at all the night before (a first for me) and for the first time, I felt like a fucking crack head junkie piece of shit. I was sweaty, jittery, anxious, paranoid, and beyond sad at the thought of possibly losing my Father. I was so disgusted with myself and how I felt, I told myself I would never take that high of a dose again. I took a break from the Adderall for a few days, but that was about it. My Father ended up pulling through, and got out of the hospital a few weeks later and is as healthy as can be to this day. A few weeks later, I resumed my daily Adderall intake, but this time with a vengeance. I was trying to start up my own business in my spare time, so I started taking 60-80mg daily. I was no longer physically active at this time, as I wasn't eating or sleeping enough to have the energy for it. Some days I would take upwards of 100mg. It became my norm, and a months prescription would last 10 days at best. When I'd run out, I would crash HARD. Sleeping all day, no energy or motivation to do anything, except eat a LOT of fucking unhealthy food. This lasted probably 7-8 months before I finally broke down and realized I was addicted and was abusing the shit out of this drug. I couldn't believe, ME?! I used to not even give a fuck about Adderall. I've been prescribe for years and always took HALF my prescribed dose for years. This couldn't happen to me, I can't be an addict. I was a collegiate athlete, I was supposed to go to the fucking Pros... I felt god awful....I couldn't get out of bed, I was depressed as hell, I had slowly cut out my family and friends for months, had been a piece of dick shit to my wonderful girlfriend for god knows how long....and was just realizing it. I no longer had hobbies,I just...was. My career took a downward spiral, my once successful startup now was going downhill....what the fuck happened to my life? And here I am today...I've tried to quit twice unsuccessfully. First time lasted a month. The second time lasted 2 months and I was starting to feel great. So I figured I could take it more responsibly this time around. Wrong again. While I don't take any after 3 PM so that I can sleep, and have stuck true to that, I still take around 50-70 mg and my script runs out in 2 weeks. I guess it's a small improvement but not really. I should have never taken it again. I'm still having a very hard time coming to turns with "being an addict"...I haven't admitted it to anyone except my girlfriend and I casually told my best friend that I "abused it once". But that's it. I don't know how to ACTUALLY quit. I feel like I need it, but I know I don't. I just wish I was back to my old self. The me who enjoys working out and cooking and music and going out and having fun. I miss the me who had genuine hobbies and interests, not this Adderall fueled bullshit version of me Anyways, for anyone who actually managed to read my incessantly long rant, I appreciate it and appreciate any words of advice anyone has for me. Thanks.
  20. Addict or just a junkie?

    Adderall is the only drug that I find myself drawn to and ever since getting my scrip I've gradually increased the amount I am taking from 20mg IR a day to two years later clocking in 150mg or so every day. Now days I find myself binging over the course a week once I get my refill (this is the third day of my binge and already through 2/3 of my month's supply. Next three weeks I am sober and have good and bad days but over the last few months I've realized I don't even feel withdrawls other than hunger. I think this cycle of on and off usage for so long has made me numb to the shitiness of detoxing which i guess is kinda nice in a way but here's my question for y'all because idk if I am just overthinking my use and blowing things out of proprtion. Sometimes I just get too in my own head that i get psyched out. How can you know if you're an addict that needs professional help/therapy and not just a person that likes taking drugs? When I'm binging I feel like a full blown out of control addict but when I am taking the rest of the month off the pills I don't really feel the need to seek other drugs for the high. In fact I feel miserable right now and I am on a lot of addy as I write this as some might be able to tell by my rambling. Idk I think subconsciously I just want someone to tell me what my fucking problem is because I'm so different on these pills and I don't even like who I am when I am taking them but I still order that refill every month with another excuse like using it in moderation (LOL) to curb my appetaite or to get a lot of school work done. More often than not anymore I'm more distracted on addy than not, I rush through school work not really learning I don't think, and sorry if this is too crude but a lot of the times I just masturbate for hours on adderall for no reason at all. So it just seems like I am not gaining ANYTHING from this medicine. My reason for taking it this weekend was because I was kinda behind in school and I am caught up now, but at what cost? I've isolated myself from my family staying in my room all day long, I've skipped classes since getting my refill, flaked on friends, go to work tweaked out and just get so fucking sweaty at work it's so embarrassing. Okay sorry for the going off on tangents so thanks for reading if you made it this far through this shit. I'd just really appreciate another person's two cents on this situation. I don't have anyone that knows the extend to this problem nor do I have friends or family that I am all that close to. I just feel so alone right now. I can't decide if i'm just hopeless or not. Any advice or anything would make my day a lot better. Okay, later. PS If it means anything, I am a 21 years old guy.
  21. Week 1

    Im 9 days without adderall. Week 1 was good, I was still motivated and happy to have myself back. But now I just feel tired and disconnected. I just want to be in bed all day and sleep. I have been having disassociation with my friends and the people I surround myself with. I get annoyed easily if people are talking about themselves too much or bias. I dont know why? I also just wonder off in conversation frequently and come off as rude. Did anyone else feel this way when quitting?
  22. Hi, I have been lurking around here for a while and truly don't know what I would have done without this resource - it's been a tremendous help to thank you! Just wanted to share my story and hope that it might inspire others in their own journey, but also help me to get my thoughts out on paper as I go through this journey myself. I started taking Adderall in college -- only to get through final exams or pull an occasional all-nighter -- never had a prescription. When I first took it, I thought it was a complete miracle worker, a game changer if you will. My best friend and I wondered how we hadn't heard of this before...Look how much more "efficient" and "smarter" we would be if we took it all the time. Everything seemed fascinating to us - even the most boring of subjects - and there were a lot of them in college, trust me! We were appreciating things and topics we never cared about before...and had this crazy desire to learn about them. I was hooked. After graduating college in 2005 and going out into the "real world," I decided I had to get a prescription so I could truly excel at work. I was brought up in a family that was very driven (mostly my dad), and he was always (and is still) so proud of my accomplishments...always telling me what a hard worker I am and how proud he is of me. I never wanted to disappoint him (and still don't to this day, as I admire him deeply and care for him so very much). Needless to say, getting a script didn't take long and the process was so simple. In the first five years or so, I was able to take the medication as prescribed and didn't feel super dependent on it. Of course, it helped me tremendously in my day job and at home with chores and keeping everything tidy and in order, but I never felt the "urge" that I needed to take more and never ran out before my script could be refilled. At this time, I was managing it just fine in my mind. That all changed a few years ago. I started to become obsessive about it. I would do the same thing every month...Tell myself that I'm going to stick to my prescribed dosage (doctors orders)! Ha...That was so naive looking back. When I got down to a few pills left, I'd become truly obsessive and wonder if my doctor would fill my script a few days early. Sometimes she did, sometimes she didn't. And sometimes pharmacies wouldn't fill it earlier so I'd work to find another that would. It was a truly vicious cycle. In 2012, I met the man of my dreams (sometime after a really bad relationship of 7.5 years that was filled with a lot of verbal abuse from him), so finding the love of my life brought a lot of things into a new light and gave me a new perspective. And of all things, I surely didn't want to hide anything from that person I loved so much, but I also didn't want him to not love me -- or think less of me -- because maybe, just maybe, what if I wasn't the person he thought I was after this awful medication I was taking? I was completely open with him about my "ADD" and he was aware of my prescription (and could tell in a heartbeat whether I had taken it or not). And if I hadn't taken it, it was because I had run out and he'd just shake his head and wonder how I could already be out with a whole week left. And he knew I'd be an entirely different person (unfocused, hard to get out of the bed in the morning, barely able to function, often complained about how tired and unmotivated I was that day and if it was the weekend...oh boy, I struggled to complete the most basic tasks or chores around the house). But when I did take it, I was damn-near superwoman (or so I thought). I'd spend hours organizing the spice cabinet (alphabetical order, of course), cleaning out the closet (honestly, looking back, I never got the MAIN, IMPORTANT things done that needed to be done around the house - the countless loads of laundry, clean bathrooms, the basic household chores that needed to be done, I was so focused on the tiniest things, but in my mind, I was organizing the HELL out of our house). After getting married in July 2016, a beautiful destination wedding where I was at my skinniest -- a sick 89 lbs, and I thought I looked fantastic! (yep, you can thank Adderall, and a dash of obligatory wedding stress for that one -- that comes with the territory, right? But here I was, I thought I was on top of the world. Even though I had many friends and family members telling me I was "too skinny," in my mind, I didn't care. I always struggled in my younger years to attain a perfect weight (in my mind), and in my mind, I HAD. Shortly after we returned from the wedding and back to reality in Texas, I was also starting a new job and couldn't wait to start fresh. Still taking my medication daily, but always feeling like I needed to increase my dosage and never feeling like I was getting the same effect I used to get. I told my doctor and she said I was at the highest dosage possible (20 mg IR, 3x a day) and told me to take breaks on the weekend. BREAKS? But how would I get my household chores done?! "You have to," she said. Well, I didn't listen to her. I had too much on my plate and there wasn't time for any "breaks." However, because I never gave my body a rest and was completely wearing down my body, heart and soul, the after-effects weren't pretty. I was completely on-edge all the time, my husband telling me I always looked so serious and I needed to lighten up (I'd hear this from former colleagues at my old job, too - people saying I always looked SO serious). Even at work - my current job, my work was suffering -- I was too focused concentrating on the small tasks - trying to perfect them and be an utter perfectionist about literally everything to the point where I was missing deadlines and my boss telling me I need to work on my "project management" skills. That was a punch in the gut, and I find myself still trying to bounce back from that criticism. I never considered myself a religious person. My parents raised my sister and I to believe whatever we wanted - never forced religion on us or going to church. However, within the last few months I have completely given my life over to God. I never knew what that meant, never had that desire. Until I finally snapped out of it. And now, it's what I depend on to get me through this, to get me out of bed every morning. I have faith I can get through this - with God, my husband, my dogs (and for right now, endless amounts of coffee). It's funny because yesterday when I was texting my husband at work (the even funnier thing is (*sarcasm*) I'd never do that before - there wasn't time to text during work hours or check my personal phone! I had to WORK every single minute of the day - there wasn't time for occasionally checking my FB or Instagram or texts from friends...or eating lunch)...or so I desperately believed. But when I texted him yesterday some playful texts he said "you are a lot funnier off Adderall btw." That made me heart sink - but also made me smile. I felt like slowly, (and definitely slowly as I'm only on day 9), I'm starting to feel actual feelings again. I want to get home to my husband - not spend hours stuck at the office. I want to finish my work so I can go home and spend time with him, cook dinner, play with my dogs, go for a walk, read a book - which I have found to be extremely helpful so far. Just a quick walk with the dogs to get some fresh air or reading a book to get my mind off things, has truly helped. Since my job requires writing (my absolute passion in life), you can imagine how hard it's been at work. I love what Mike said on this site in a post I read about "half-assing" your way through the workday, just turn in things that you would never turn in on Adderall. Well I've done that, and yesterday, something I submitted that IMO was so shitty, and I told my husband that, but I didn't care, I was gone at 5 p.m. and headed home to take care of myself. And my boss emailed late last night in response to that piece and said "This is great. I made minor edits." Y'all, I was over the moon. Granted, this wasn't my most prized piece, but I felt pretty damn proud of myself. I know I have a long road ahead, but it's stories like yours that keep me going. I wish you all the best in your road to recovery...and finding your true self. It's not easy, but then again, if it was easy everyone would be doing it, right? Well wishes to all! - Somewhere down in Texas -
  23. Only Two Pills Left

    I am not able to see my physician until June. My toes, hands, (occasionally) crotch have been having the cold sweats. Is it my body telling me to stop? I look inside my medication bottle everyday and see the amount decreasing. Little orange pills leaving. I've decrease my dosage over the past months from 30mg to 15mg a day. Now I should be doing 10mg a day because I look inside my pill bottle and there are only two pills left.
  24. Hello folks here on the Quiting Adderall forum. My name is Will Hoppin, I am 17 and live in the SF Bay Area (Marin County specifically). I'm currently making a documentary on Adderall use among my peers in high school because the demand for teenagers to focus and achieve is higher than it ever has been -- there is so much competition now. I've already interviewed a few of my friends who are taking it and now I'm looking to interview a couple of people who've been taking it for a number of years -- in particular people who've stopped taking it, or are trying to quit. The film needs to show the contrast between teens who feel that it's a harmless performance enhancer, and adults who have more insight and experience about how serious a pharmaceutical it really is. I don't have to tell anyone here on this forum how pervasive the Adderall issue is in society right now. (!) My hope is that together, we can shine some light on the subject and raise consciousness about it. Thank you for considering it, and if you'd like to get involved (or know anyone who might like to get involved) and see some interview snippets of what I've already shot, please contact me. My email is With gratitude for all, Will
  25. First of all, thank you SOOOO much for this site. I have been trying to get off Adderall for a couple of years now and reading through this site tonight gave me the courage to flush my pills. Pointed question: My biggest problem is that my digestive system seems to be very dependent on Adderall and my body doesn't remember how to go to the bathroom/eliminate without it and this leads to a terrible pattern. Does anyone know how to deal with this aspect of getting off adderall or no of anything else that functions like adderall as a stimulant for the digestive system? I've taken Adderall for 5 years now, daily in the beginning. When I'm on Adderall I completely empty my bowels 2-3 times a day. When I stop taking Adderall I'll suddenly go 3-4 days without going to the bathroom at all, which is a huge difference and feels terrible. I start feeling very sick and start getting scared. My stomach completely bloats (and I look terrible/clothes don't fit) and I feel very uncomfortable physically. I've even experienced bleeding. After about the 3rd or 4th day I end up thinking, "I'll take just one to go to the bathroom," and after taking a pill, 30 minutes later I'm fine again. I take a couple of doses in a row to go back to an empty, flat stomach. Then I stop taking it, go through all the crash/withdrawal difficulties of the first 2-3 days (sleeping 12 hours a day/wanting to eat 5 pizzas/moodiness/irritability/inability to concentrate on anything at work and watching youtube videos instead) and once all that starts to get better on the 3rd day, by the 4th day I end up taking Adderall to go to the bathroom and have to start the crash/withdrawal cycle again. This cycle is taking a toll on me and I want to just get off it. I feel like I've tried just about everything and there's nothing that gets my digestive system function as perfectly as Adderall. I never had issues going to the bathroom before Adderall. When I got off it the first time (lasted 4 months) I saw my doctor about the digestive issue. He said it's a high stimulant and now my body was used to that stimulation to function and the only solution was give it time and he suggested Senna tea in the meantime which just made my stomach hurt. I ended up doing a juice cleanse which resulted in being able to go to the bathroom once a day, but my digestive system never fully went back to functioning properly. I even tried going vegan for awhile and that didn't get me back to normal either. I got a new tough job after 4 months of being clean and went back to the Adderall. This time around the digestive system issue seems to be even worse than the first time I tried to get off and I haven't been able to go more than 4 days without (though now I will have to since I flushed the pills). I get so hungry during the first few days off that doing a juice cleanse feels like more than I can take on. Thank you so much for any help and suggestions for this. Again, this site is amazing and I'm so glad I found it.