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Found 25 results

  1. Almost relapsed. Thank you all

    Hello everyone. A heartfelt THANK YOU to each of you for sharing your story. a little recap. For about 2.5 years I was taking Dexedrine, then adderrall only 2-3 times a week. I never took it daily. I used it in conjunction with psychotherapy to help me become aware of unconscious traumas and begin to heal. It actually did serve a useful purpose in the beginning. I actually did manage to break free from a decade long depression. But it now has no purpose for me. I posted here back in January that I was done with adderrall forever. That determination lasted a little over a month or so, before I felt this overwhelming sense of dread and relapsed. That first day taking it, I justified it because I said, “but, I’m only taking 20-40 mg once or twice a week. So, it’s fine.” Wrong. Although this justification lasted a while, I decided again to quit again a little over a month ago (early June) and felt those pangs of justification again this morning. I decided to read some of your stories on here and I decided not to. I’m done with the constant highs and lows. I’m done with burning my future potential all for some clarity and relief right now. And I’m confident that I can achieve a greater sense of well being WITHOUT the drug, through meditation, attachment with thoughts that lift me up rather than bring me down, diet and exercise. I’ve forgotten what my brain was like before the influence of adderrall, even from not using it every day. I can’t imagine the withdrawal for those who take high doses daily, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong, everyone. peace
  2. Hey guys, this is my first post but I've been a browser for a while. In fact I had first come across this site and the forums a year ago when I initially admitted to myself that I have an Adderall problem. Like many others, I first took it in college to help write an essay, and within a year and a half I got my own prescription, and it's now been about 4 years that I've been taking it regularly and then, later, abusing it. Since my 'awakening' into my addiction last spring, I honestly haven't really been trying to quit, even though I've known i should. But all of last year I was freelancing for a few companies and unfortunately Adderall was what helped me do it all (and of course I'd have way too much fun with it, too). So after several months of not-really-trying-to-quit-but-having-it-in-the-back-of-my-mind, in January, I landed my dream job working full-time at an awesome company in NYC (where I've lived for a while now). I thought, this is a perfect opportunity for me to manage my Adderall intake for real—even though it would help me in my job, that would be its only purpose and I would no longer use it recreationally or pull all-nighters or anything like that, which i would do often. My first day on the job was in early February, and things were going great. I saw my psychiatrist the next week (who, granted, does not know about my problem, as I've hidden it from her for years so I can 'secure' my supply), and got my prescription, and didn't stray off track for the most part. There were a couple hiccups over one weekend where I took more than I needed to (which wasn't at all, since it was a weekend), but other than that I finally felt like I was on the path to taking adderall 'normally'. I was even planning on going to 12-step meetings (for ACoAs) after work on Thursdays; the only reason I hadn't gone to my first one I had planned was because I had another thing to do that night, but I digress. You probably know where this is going already, but after just slightly more than 1 month in the office with things going well, we were all ordered to begin working from home the second week of March due to coronavirus (and, being in NYC, it was especially serious). In a nutshell, all the progress I felt I'd made and the path I thought i'd traced out for myself went down the drain. Although my work duties didn't change (in fact only became more busy and demanding), the fact that I didn't have to commute to the office, and that my boyfriend (who is aware of my problem, but who has thought and still thinks I've been good with it since I've been hiding it from him) has been quarantining at his family's house in another state, AND that I've spent almost every day for the past 2 months in the same apartment / mostly my bedroom where my addiction really took off in the first place while I was freelancing, ON TOP OF all the boredom and stress and general caged-in feeling that a lot of people have these days—all of these added up to me relapsing. 3 times, in fact. Today is Saturday, and since I got my new refills last Thursday (I'm prescribed 20mg XR capsules and 20mg IR tablets for a total of 60 pills), I've pulled 4 all nighters for no reason (one on a work night), taken dozens of pills in about 10 days, and I actually didn't sleep last night either. (I am not on adderall as I'm writing this though; just having trouble falling asleep for a nap…) and every tmie someting like this happens (as I said this is the third time I've gotten my pills refilled since quarantine started), I run out as per usual and have at least 1 or 2 weeks without it where I feel happier and more like myself, but also WAY less productive and my cravings get really bad, I even have dreams about getting my adderall back in the days leading up to it. I don't really know what to expect from all this, if I'll be able to get better and get back on track once things go back to normal, but who knows when that will even be, or if I will ever be able to kick this? I just feel like a ball of anxiety and confusion and guilt and shame and self-loathing and since I'm keeping it secret from everyone I know this go-around, the only place I can come to and people I can talk to are you guys here. I'm also not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for but I'd appreciate any kind, of course…just kind of wanted to put my thoughts and my current reality out there somewhere because maybe someone else can relate, especially now. tl;dr: Relapsing multiple times in quarantine sucks. As if it wasn't already lonely enough.
  3. Relapse pt. VI

    Hi, just want to claim my seat here again. 3 days back today. I am so much happier when sober, but I feel like I can't do ANYTHING. AND I decided to get sober right before finals, so that's cool. The job pressure is mounting (even more so under quarantine), even typing out this message is like, agonizing...I'm so exhausted. I'm on wellbutrin & strattera and that seems to help, but it's nothing like adderall. Gotta get the idea out of my head that I can only be successful while on it...
  4. UGH. 2 days clean now after a 6 month relapse. I'm elated socially but miserable otherwise. My job (which I do really love) feels like a chore. I just want to go home and chain smoke until I fall asleep. I feel like a useless puddle. I know I can do this - I did do this. When I got sober, I was unemployed and just went to meetings all the time. Now, because of sobriety, I have a high-pressure job and school...the pressures got to be too much and I caved. I'm exhausted. Using is not an option anymore. I forgot how hellish early recovery is. Please send good vibes edit: just fell asleep at my desk. dead.
  5. I got two poetry books published recently and had another publisher solicit me to write a third for them. I also wanted to start a novel. So I fell into the trap of thinking I needed stims to be productive and got a pack of inhalers from Walgreens. I have felt truly in hell these past few days. It doesn't help that I am weaning off my antipsychotic medication to live a chemical free life. Anxious, psychotic, manic, depressed, all at the same time. I need to do exactly what my previous plan that helped me be sober says, that I bailed on. It was: go to church and pray every day and do Jungian journalling. I don't want to do AA. It feels like a cult to me. Feel really shitty right now. But angels kept coming to me these past few days and told me to trust that I will have the resolve in time.
  6. Stand with me and quit. It's toxic not only to you but to your family and friends. At first, it's an amazing drug but at the end it's hell. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. This story tells it all!!
  7. I was sober from dexedrine (and alcohol and other drugs) for four months, screwed up for three weeks, sobered up and had 15 days clean time..until today... I called the doctor and got myself a dexedrine script again. It's embarrassing how easy it went. I live in the Netherlands btw. Dexedrine abuse is not as common as in the US over here. I almost finished my masters degree. The only thing I have to do in order to graduate is write my thesis. Something I have been postponing for months seen I never studied without meds. They put me on ritalin at the age of 13. When I was 19 they put me on dexedrine, the stim I have been abusing ever since (next to other drugs and alcohol). I am 26 now. Today I thought OK FUCK IT, I will try and use it responsible this time (attempt 23423143) and quit taking pills after getting my degree / finishing my thesis.. Like I was going to quit after all the previous projects, short stories, papers, whatever. I was fooling myself (again). I almost shitted my pants out of excitement when the pharmacist was preparing my script. That was the moment I knew that I didn't really wanted to study, I wanted to get high. And indeed, I got high. Popped a few pills the moment I walked out of the pharmacist, and some more the moment I got home. Now am high but I can barely enjoy the feeling. I don't even feel like studying or doing anything productive. Suddenly I remember that during the last months of my abuse I was neither studying or doing anything productive. I was an anxious mess, sitting at my desk feeling like shit, thinking of ways how I can break free from my addiction. And that is an exact description of me right now. Somehow I forgot..Because my mind was playing tricks on me. My mind was showing me a whole different picture of what was going to happen if I got myself pills again. I called the university and made an appointment. I am going to temporarily withdraw from the study and finish it in a year or so. I need to fully focus on my recovery. Being haunted by the fact I have to write a thesis every day isn't helping me at all, seen every day I am disappointed in myself for being unproductive and lazy. I need to give my brain time to heal. I will get a shitty job somewhere in the meantime. But for now I need to find the strength to not turn this fuck up into a long bender. The strength to flush what is left of the 170 pills they gave me..
  8. I abused dexedrine heavily for about seven years. A week ago I relapsed after more than four months of sobriety from dexedrine (and alcohol and other drugs). Let me tell you: IT IS NOT WORTH IT. I cannot even enjoy this feeling, actually: I hate it. This feeling isn't even really a feeling, it's feeling nothing at all. It's a feeling that belongs to my past where I should have left it. All the fucking lies I told myself to start using again.. All the lies I am telling the ones around me right now. But even my guilt and shame are numbed out. The only feeling I feel coming up is anxiety. I don't know how to live a productive life without these pills, but I know sure as hell I don't want to live a ''productive'' life with these pills. I am not even doing the things I used to do while high on these pills like writing or studying. It would feel like betrayal or just really stupid. Like yea right for months you have been lazy and unproductive and now you took some pills and suddenly BOOM working for hours again. That is not how I wanted to live my life anymore. It wouldn't make sense. So instead I am not doing much at all, actually nothing besides thinking how I can get out of this mess again, smoking lots of cigarettes and walking around the house and cleaning around like an obsessive idiot. I am listening to music but even though during my sobriety I thought to myself many times ''I wonder how this song would sound in a drugged out state'' - music doesn't sound better at all. Another lie I told myself. It's like I cannot ''feel'' the music. Simply because I cannot feel shit because the pills block all my emotions. Somehow I feel really really stuck. I cannot manage to get back on track again. I flushed my pills and deleted dealers contacts (I used to have a script for years but not anymore obviously), only to wake up and find a way to get more pills. I need to get out of this cycle. Every day I say this is day one again, every day I screw up. If somehow I manage to get back on track again, I will start contributing more to this website. I am from the Netherlands btw. English is not my native language and that kept me from submitting stuff instead of just reading. But I think I could really benefit from talking with others about the problems we all share. If you are struggling yourself and considering a relapse, feel free to ask me anything. But let me tell you: all the reasons you tell yourself are lies. Yes, all of them. Don't be like me. Stay strong.
  9. Hi everyone. My name is Jason. Before I go into a little of my story I'd like to tell anyone reading this that I relapsed (again) last week. Much like I have time and time again, month after month, I went back to what I know. The thing I hate most. Last month on the 5th (my birthday) I shamefully refilled another script and thought about being 24. It was hard processing that. It was also hard processing that it had been just under 4 years since I first had been prescribed adderall. Four years filled with the highest highs very quickly being followed by the darkest, lowest lows of my life. I cannot tell you the number of times I thought about and entertained the idea of ending my own life during those four years. I'd find myself month after month awake for days, running around tweaked out of my mind. During the darkest period of my use, I had three full psychotic breaks. Completely detached from reality, irrational and convinced that organized gang stalking was real. That people were following me, that they had cameras watching my disgusting, abhorrent behavior. I have used during most of my five year long relationship with my boyfriend. Several times I almost busted through his door banging on it at 3 or 4 am thinking that he was cheating on me. I could go on and on, but I'll spare you the rest. All of this is rushing through my mind on my birthday along with the drugs. I really tried to use properly, like I always tried to do and failed. I had a million reasons to run as far away from adderall as I could go. But here we are again. Of course I couldn't use correctly, it was just like any other month. Every day of this bender was usually a shame-filled mess of me crying. And I realized that I was sick of it. Wanted to be off the roller coaster I had to quit. I bought the narcotics anonymous handbook to read on my iPad (spoiler: it painted a picture of myself to a T, highly recommend), downloaded a sobriety tracking app and did it. I made it through the holidays! I was tired everyday and only watched to binge watch Netflix and eat whenever I was awake, but it wasn't too bad. I had a three-week break off of school which helped a lot. One of the reasons I knew this would be the best and probably only time I could quit and have a somewhat advantage of three weeks ahead to recover with no schoolwork or classes, etc. Each day I really loved the days adding up on the sobriety tracker. It filled me with pride about the choice I made and gave me a little bit of joy each time I hit one of the 'milestones'. Trying not to make this sound like an ad but all joking aside it really helped. I was getting more social each day and doing more work around my place. Feeling like I was going to be alright. Then school started back on Wednesday and right off the bat I had a big project I needed to start on. It was a group project so I had to build an iPhone app to spec in 5 days with 2 other students in my class. Terrible terrible terrible way I had to start class off. The whole first day I had no motivation. Wrote maybe 50 lines of code and moped around all day complaining about my tiredness. I already knew that tomorrow (Thursday) was the day of my appointment because the doctor's office automated appointment reminder called a few days earlier, ruining pretty much all of the progress I had made over the previous 2 weeks. As soon as I got that message I felt a pit in my stomach. i just needed an excuse. And what better excuse than needing my energy and focus back to do this project. I remember driving in my car when that slow burn started to happen and as it got stronger and stronger, I felt that the feeling of relief I used to get during this time was replaced with terror and shame. I sat there alone crying my eyes out. Now fast-forward to today: my tracking app shows "1 day" again. It shows my first attempt, and now it shows my week of use. But hey, that's okay! I need to learn through this process to go easy on and love myself. And finally! Here's what I'm proactively doing / have done to keep myself far away of any situation that will cause me to use again: - I called my doctor's office and cancelled my three-month refill appointment while also letting them know I have decided to no longer be treated for my ADHD (that one hurt just a bit to do, lol) - Tore up the other two printed scripts (all of these steps killed me honestly) - Made an account here with you guys so I can converse and let you know how it's going for me and also have some accountability. I'm not naive. I know this will be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I want to find myself again -- the person adderall stole from me. Thank you for taking the time to read a little bit of my story. I'm going to eat a good lunch and then go back to bed for awhile. -Jason
  10. Hi guys - its been a minute but could use some words of encouragement. I quit adderall back in October, and I started a new job two months ago. I wanted to lose weight so bad that I went to a DIFFERENT doctor and got prescribed phentermine. Needless to say my zero self control and amphetamine addict started abusing it from day 1. I took FIVE today. I’ve been drinking a shit ton, hardly sleeping and now it’s 4:30am and I’m still just beating myself up. I was two years clean, then got back on adderall, started abusing again, flushed it and now I’m abusing the phentermine which I also flushed this morning. I just feel so embarrassed and don’t understand why I don’t have self control like normal people. BecAuse of how much of phentermine I took today u had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had. Had to tell my boss who actually had to call my psychiatrist at work today I couldn’t even drive. I just wasn’t to be normal and not have these constant urges to use drugs to balance myself out. I see my psychiatrist on Friday and I think it’s best if I tell her about the phentermine. I’m scared and embarrassed and could just use some love!!! Thanks for letting me vent. Love you all and so glad to be apart of this community xo
  11. Hello everyone I started my adderall free journey about 8 months ago and it has been somewhat of a roller coaster of emotions. I wish I could say everything about it has been positive, and many things have, but it isn't without its down sides. I don't want to go into too much detail, but lately I've been considering relapsing because of a lack of motivation. There are so many things that I want to accomplish and I don't feel as though I have the energy to do any of it. This leads to me feeling depressed and anxious most of the day. My mind is filled today with thoughts of "You can take it temporarily to get yourself to a better place" or "Everything doesn't have to be so hard" and to me these thoughts are very believable, but the logical side of me knows that this wont be the case. If I take adderall once and have a positive experience, i'll be hooked and I bet I'd stay on it again, which will consequently burn down a lot of the progress I have made while being off of it after enough time. I wish I could use adderall as a crutch at times, but I know myself well enough to know that wont ever happen realistically. Anyone else have this sort of problem 8 months clean?
  12. So I recently made a video on how I quit adderall after 5 years but I just relapsed. I will get back up and matter of fact back up already and I will not put another one in my mouth I swear. Part 2
  13. Last month I broke down and got a new perscription. I feel awful about it and I feel like I have lost progress I had made. I was very proud of myself for being able to quit and now I feel awful, the same sleepless nights, restless talking and heart palpitations. I should have known I couldn't "handle" it better this time. I was just curious if anyone had experience quitting for a long period of time and going back? Have I lost all the progress I made?
  14. Please Help... :(

    Hi, It's been 2 months since I quit, and it's not getting better. I've never been skinny without Adderall. It's the only thing that's ever been able to take my mind off of being obsessed with food. And that in itself was the biggest fucking relief. Especially because for what I want to do (music and acting), I HAVE to be skinny. There's a problem though - I'm a little addicted to Adderall. I didn't take more than I was prescribed, ever. Just 20mg a day. But that was enough to get me soaring high. I've wasted a lot of time on it, doing things I thought were important, that really weren't. I've isolated myself, and not cared about having friends or living life because of it. Just being skinny. And I took it on the weekends, even when I wasn't doing school, because I didn't wanna be hungry. So I decided to go off it, and see what happened. Now, I'm on the other end of the spectrum. The good news is my personality is better, I like to talk to people, and I'm nicer. The bad news is the weight is piling on, I can't stop eating, and all I wanna do is lay around and watch TV all day. Some days I gets bursts of motivation and go workout and eat healthy and do my online college. But most days I fail. I haven't gotten the motivation to write songs again. I didn't use to be this way before I ever took Adderall. Did Adderall mess up my brain for good? Do I have permanent ADD/Depression now? I don't know what to do. If I could be motivated and eat healthy and workout without it, I'd be better off without it overall. But that isn't what's happening. And I sleep 10 hours a night now - I never used to do that. Why is my brain not going back to normal?? I'm struggling, wanting to go back on it so I can be skinny again. I can't do what I love (music and acting) if I'm fat. I just can't. But I also don't wanna isolate myself from the world again. I don't know what the answer is. There are no Adderall support groups I can go to (not that I've been able to find). If anyone help give me some advice, it would be greatly appreciated. I know if I go back to a psychiatrist, they will tell me I NEED Adderall, just to make their money.....and that's not what I want. I want someone to tell me the truth. I've been signed to a major record deal before. I've got lots of followers online. I've got millions of views. I live in LA. I have the writing abilities. i have what it takes, to make things start happening for me again, I know I do. But I'm not moving forward. I've been at a standstill the past few years. Everyone gave up on me, and someone told me about Adderall, and it's been keeping me sane these past few years, and motivated to get my career back on track, but....despite the motivation, I haven't moved forward. I don't know if it's Adderall, or what it is that is standing in my way, but all I want is to do the thing that's gonna make me the most successful. Whatever that is - that's the thing I want to do. Whether it be sober, or on pills. So if anyone has any advice or opinions - please let me know. I'll be forever grateful! Sincerely, A v confused girl in need of some help.
  15. I wasn't planning to post anything here, but there isn't anyone that I can turn to anymore. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's a cry for help, maybe it's a way to pass the time while coming down, either way, might be good to get it off my chest even if it's here. After all if anyone could understand it's the people here, right? (I'm two months from turning 21) I've been on Adderall since September 2014 and got the script just before going to college. Not more than 3 months in, I was taking more than the 20mg/day (IR) limit frequently to pull all nighters, avoid eating, and spend long hours studying without breaks. It wasn't long before I was sleeping every other day and isolating myself from everyone even the few friends I had that still kept in touch. Adderall helped distract me from my shyness and low self esteem with weight loss and a 4.0 gpa. My second quarter I wasn't getting the same effects so my psych upped my dosage to 30mg/day (IR) which helped for a while but I would still use more than I was supposed to in order to keep up the horrendous lifestyle I had developed my first quarter. I'd run out prematurely and have to take some time off the meds just to binge hard when the next one came. I had lost 50-60 lbs in a few short months, but I didn't feel healthy at all. Finished another quarter barely surviving the malnourishment, sleep deprivation, and plummeted self-worth. Spooked by a panic attack, confusion spell, and giving a presentation tweaked out yet mentally so slow (slurring words, losing train of thought randomly), went to my psych to discontinue Adderall maybe try something else. Minutes later I'm handed a script for Adderall XR instead and a bottle of pills in my hand. Figured I'd try XR and maybe things will be better. Nope. Blew through the month's supply in one fucking week. Somehow I emailed her after I was out she switched me back to IR and I got another bottle to binge during spring break all by myself. Since then I haven't been the same. I've snaked back and forth from XR to IR because I'm a greedy fucking junkie I guess. I would return to school only to drop out by midterms do overwhelmed by the work load and the lack of Adderall that would help me complete it. For an entire month I would sit in my dorm room all day eating, sleeping, skipping class until officially dropping classes and moving back into my parent's house. I was fined a few thousand dollars and had to play it off to my folks as financial aid fucked me over and kicked me out. How could I tell them their son dropped out because I was overusing my medicine thats supposed to help me focus? September 2016.. Got enrolled in a community college while still working full time. Paying out of pocket. Still binging Adderall every month. Haven't averaged less than 100mg/daily in months by this point. By midterms I dropped out.. again. Partly due to Adderall but also didn't want to go to that school. Now i'm enrolled elsewhere, still paying out of pocket. Still abusing Adderall. Averaging 150mg-200mg daily. Can't remember when I had only 30mg like I should be. I've had practice taking Adderall breaks and have gotten good at coping. It's just the week before the refill that ruins me because I just remember the good things about the pills. Not the way it turns me into an anti-social asshole, how it makes me sweat like a pig while I'm at work, how it's caused me to compulsively crack/pop my ankle/foot bones.. I've never heard anyone doing that before so hopefully as often as I do it that it isn't too harmful. I don't know what I want to do from here. I'm averaging 150mg daily. I'm passed the point of making rules to last the month with Adderall. I have 12 pills left and I trust myself so little that the pills are in the emergency kit in the trunk of my car. Honestly I don't even know how much I've had today. I was set on taking today off as usual but nope. Here I am.Mindlessly writing the play by play of my addiction. It's odd but I feel better the closer to being out of pills I am after a binge and re-realizing the fucking hell that Adderall can put me though. I don't think I need advice on coping with withdrawal, but I think if anyone actually reads this long less, or if I even have the gaul to post it at all, maybe someone can shed a light on what my next step might be? Getting an outsider's take might be good because no one even knows the severity of my abusing and the aftermath of it.. Cause I sure as hell can't be very objective anymore. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through.
  16. This has to stop..

    Hey- so this is my first time posting, but I have read over this site a million times over the last 6 years while I was trying to stop using Adderall. I don't even know where to begin, I am just so frustrated in myself for letting this go on for so long and always relapsing because I know just how to convince myself into using Adderall. I started taking it in college to study for finals, then it turned into taking it to stay up while going out and partying, and then I started depending on it for everything (cleaning, shopping, all school work, laundry). I kept up my use during graduate school and then also when I graduated and moved in with my now fiance, who actually has ADHD and is prescribed Adderall, which created another huge problem- I have taken a lot of pills from him (I've only had my own prescription for a short time and would buy them otherwise). I feel so disgusted with my actions, I love him so much and never want to hurt him. He keeps his prescription at his office because I will take them them, and if he does bring any home, I always find a way to take some and convince myself that he won't find out and then I take way more then I planned on and have to tell him because its obvious when 10 pills are missing. I started going to a therapist last month after I took yet another pill from my fiance, and things were going well until Saturday when he brought some home and since I am sneaky and manipulative, I found his hiding spot and had complete binge on Adderall. I only planned on taking a few on one day and that turned into a lot over 2 days. My fiance is so upset with me and is appalled at how much I took and also worries that I could of had a heart attack. So now here I am, I did not sleep at all last night and have a terrible headache, twitchy, foggy, craving more, tired, depressed, guilty, angry, and even had to call out of work today. All of these negatives for what, an extra boost of energy and motivation to keep busy and active when I could of easily enjoyed my weekend more without taking any pills. I crave and expect the euphoria I used to get from Adderall, but I don't get that anymore, no matter how many I take, so why am I still going back to this stupid orange pill? It only causes emotional pain, physical pain, and relationship problems. This has to be my last slip- one final all out binge of Adderall, my rock bottom. I have said this over 20 times over the years, but I really do want this to be the end of my addiction. I'd really appreciate any comments, support, or advice, also anyone else's similar struggles with relapsing. Thank you for letting me share!
  17. here again wtf

    So I'm really down right now. I went an entire week without adderall, and relapsed (yesterday) and it never fails. I literally get a script and immediately start popping adderall like candy which ultimately leads to a very edgy feeling that drives me to drink alcohol in large quantities. And here I am on a Sunday night up at 2:30 am after a long day on addy and an evening of heavy drinking- still can't sleep and I have to work tomorrow bright and early. What the hell am I doing? I can't live like this and I know it. My 11yr old son even told me this evening that, mom, I think you've had plenty enough to drink. WTF! This is not the mom I want them to know me or remember me by. I really must look like a crazy person on the outside, if my kids are even noticing. I need help. This path I'm heading down only leads to complete missry and utter destruction...yet I can't bring myself to dump the last few pills I have. HELP! What should I do and how can I successfully get off this merry go round? I'm pretty sure complete sobriety is going to be the only way for me. Alcohol is also killing me, mainly because after about 2-3 drinks I'm feeling pretty good and all judgement goes flying out the window. It's like a totally different person appears when I drink...a person only focused on partying as hard as humanly possible. I want to be a good person, one that volunteers and helps others and most importantly I want to have my kids look up to me and say later than their mom cared and mostly tried to do the right thing. Not that there mom is a sloppy drunk party animal. I know where I want to be, and it is not here, tweeked out and starting to feel a hangover from drinking a ton till 11pm. So what do I do? Where do it start? I can't live like this and I know it. So essentially what would y'all do, quit it all cold turkey or start by stopping the alcohol and then taper back down the addy???
  18. Sigh…. I'm feeling frustrated, tired, lazy, semi-depressed. I'm come so far, I mean 3 1/2 years!! I am proud of of that. When I was coming off of adderall, I went through serious withdrawals that f#*%n sucked so badly. Days/months I wouldn't even get out of bed. When looking back I realize just how far I have come, there are now days where I am very productive, and so full of life. I have to really push myself to do anything. There also are still days I don't want to do anything at all. I've spent the last three days not doing anything just moping around the house. I've been drinking a lot and eating like shit. I have more emotion that I can deal with. No adderall to numb this emotion, so I've been numbing through food and alcohol. I feel everything and at times it can be really tough. I probably have low energy because of how I am treating my body but just can't seem to pull myself out of it. No energy to work out, no energy to eat healthy. When I don't drink I tend to have a lot of anxiety. I've gained a lot of weight (30lbs) that also frustrates me so much, and is a source of my depression and loss of confidence. Makes me spend a lot of time alone, because i don't have the confidence to date. I am missing my zest for life- spent the last couple days researching different medications- Provigil, wellbutrin. Provigil sounds too good to be true and I'm worried it will be the same is adderall, I don't want to relapse and I refuse to. Thinking maybe wellbutrin will help. There is no way I will go back to adderall but I am seriously down right now and am worried about the thinking pattern that I am caught up in. Planning to talk to my therapist this week to see what she thinks. Is there anyone else feeling the same way? Or have been here and pulled themselves through? If so how… Although I rarely post this site has been a huge help for my recovery since day one. You guys get it. You are the only ones that get it. Please help.
  19. Hello everyone I am fairly new to this forum, I've been addicted to my prescription adderall since I was 16 and now I am 22. I was prescribed 30mg and after five years I was taking 120mg a day minimum. Whenever I ran out, which was inevitable, I would buy more from my friends, who all just happened to be prescribed as well. Finally after five years, on July 25, 2014, I quit my adderall, cold turkey. I moved to California in the beginning of August in hopes it would help isolate me and perhaps keep me from returning to my old ways. I havent picked up my prescription since the beginning of July and this is the longest I have gone in five years without picking it up. I've been very proud of myself lately and though the physical dependency seems to have faded I still feel this strong mental dependency. Starting school at a new college and a job working nights at a restaurant, I've been wanting to relapse more than ever. Also I am a bridesmaid in my bestfriends wedding this October and I'm extremely insecure about my weight gain. I went from 117 lbs on adderall (I'm 5'3) to like 135 lbs. I work out every day but I love food too much. Adderall made weight loss easy, I just have this bad feeling I am going to end up relapsing by October. Sorry for rambling, I just would like some advice on how to deal with these thoughts.. also I brought my stash of adderall to california with me as a 'security blanket'.. stupid I know.. but I want to be honest with someone.
  20. I was doing well and not taking any pills for a little under a month and 2 weeks ago I started up again when i got into a severe depression. I took between 40mg-75 mg for about 10 days including today at 75mg. I cut myself off from my doctor so he wasn't an enabler. I'm disappointed in myself, and I'm quite honestly scared of the depression. I can live without all of it's so called benefits but I'm really scared about being at the lowest of the low emotionally. I have had some significant things happen in the past few weeks that really brought me down and I took the adderall to make those feelings go away for x amount of hours. I didn't miss any sleep at night, but nevertheless i abused again. I know this is a dead end or at least an OBVIOUS bad thing for me to be on. I am literally using it as an anti-depressant and since my tolerance is high, this can't continue. I don't want to get high, but I don't want to get low. Im venting here because you are experienced and genuine people. Please help me get back on and stay on the right road. I honestly don't know what else to say.
  21. so ive been addicted to adderall for 5 years steadily trying to quit wanting to quit and really just screwing up with that for about 2 years. i recently opened up to my boyfriend and some friends about how i fell off the wagon since my last "clean up".. that lasted 24 days.. i ushually cant stay clean for more than two weeks. i also started seeeing a therapist who has really been pushing me and helping me and honestly ive never done so much work or insight on myself more than i have the past 3 weeks.. journaling and eating right and just staying consious that im in recovery im an addict and just trying to remember that so my brain doesnt play tricks and make me belive once is ok... today was 16 days huge 16 straight days of putting my health first ... well untill tonight i didnt journal today and yesterday and today kind of just floated through the day without any affirmations meditation journaling or staying consious of my goal ... i really wanted to take some earlier today when i was triggered at the pharmecy getting my birth control.. so i had adderall thoughts for sure my boyfriend was gone tonight so i invited some friends over for a chill movie night.. or so i thought.. they inivited like 4 more girls over whom im friends with but choose not to be around ushually because they use. i knew this but said ok come over anyway god forbid i say no and put myself first and just be honest.. right? well i saw some in someones bag and i was triggered. i went for it and took some.. i actually stole these... the whole shame guilt and im clean!! ~ couldnt be seen or shown to anyone.. im very secretive and alone in this addiction so its like maybe if i steal it and no1 knows than i can "pretend i dont know and that i didnt do this. terrible, i know but i did. i actually had heavy thoughts of no dont do this dont waste ur 16 days u will be fine and it was an imense feeling.. i ushually turn that off.. so it was a good sign i felt that but i still friggen said fuck it and took it. and than took some more. every time i take an adderall it cant be one. this is so dangerous...i know this yet i decided to fuck up my 16 days. im feeling down and just like sitting in my self pity or just like this feeling of u chose this. deal with it. i guess what im asking here is how everyone copes when relapsing after a good positive stretch. what do u do after? i mean that sounds silly but i guess i just need some guidence i dont wanna dwell on this any longer what are some relapse prevention skills u guys have> am i still in recovery? i know that answer is yes, but i cant help but feel like im starting way over ... not 16 days over but like day one from 2 years ago over... im sure u know the feeling.
  22. I'm in therapy and aware of how bad I am with this yet I turn it off and use a week later even if I've been self controlled positive or had a great day no lack of energy or anything I just fkin take it than I do that for couple weeks completing avoiding my issues and refusing to do anything positive for myself and right Now that's where I am I like cant identify with myself right now Anyone Else feel this way ever? Like I'm trying to tap into the motivation fire under ur but feeling the feeling of holy shit my life is way to important to throw away.. And I can't tap Into it I can't relate even tho this is what I want and I Know I can do it. Help
  23. Relapsed again...

    Hi there, Yesterday I relapsed. I had one more written script and immediatley filled it up yesterday morning. See, I am a personal trainer-- I know, how can a personal trainer be addicted to adderall? Well, it happens...and when I went to measure a new client yesterday who is very thin, I immediatley relaspsed. I started comparing myself to her, and wanting to be as skinny as she is. She's about my height, and a very desirable/unrealistic weight I wish to be. My biggest struggle in quitting, is gaining weight. I am suppose to be a good example for many, and when I feel fat and chose poor food choices-- I resort to adderall to fix those bad choices. I think, "well if I take an adderall, I wont eat as much and won't obsess over being skinny..." I feel so out of control. I was so upset yesterday for filling that prescription. Now I have spent $72 on a bottle of 60 pills that sit in my drawer. Today, I haven't taken any. I really do want to stop. I want to be clean, and have my full self back. I have told my boyfriend about my problem and he's been helping me through it. I feel like if I can get through 2 weeks, I can get through it. I stopped before for 3 months, and one day relapsed and went and got scripts again. I am going to tell my doc to stop prescribing them to me. I don't know what to do now. I want to dump the bottle down the drain, but I just spent $72...I know that's a terrible excuse, but part of me thinks..well maybe I can wean off. I was only taking 20mg a day, so I'm wondering if weaning myself off and never getting the script again would work? I want to quit cold turkey, and for today I am. I am going to be adderall free for 2 weeks-- I promise myself. It's almost like I need to get the pills out of the house & away from me. But I'm scared. Scared to gain weight-- not that I am "adderall skinny", because I still ate and like I said only took 20mg and sometimes only 10mg per day. So, I'm not really skinny, just fit cuz I work out and try to eat good for the most part. But I'm still scared. I need to use that fear are courage. I want myself back-- and I'm okay if that means gaining a few pounds-- as long as it's not some crazy weight gain. I just need to be good, have faith and stay strong. I need to know the first 2 weeks will be really rough, but I can get through this. Have faith for me, Kiss
  24. Controlled Adderall Use?

    I have been sober for 2 1/2 weeks now and this is the longest I have made it without my prescription I started taking adderall because it was suggested to me by my doctor. I have ADD and I am an Aspie (high functioning autism). I have relapsed twice in the past 3 or 4 months, but I finally swallowed my pride, confided in my significant other, and quit cold turkey. I can honestly say I feel "normal" again, although my immune system has been down, I am very fatigued, and a bit depressed here and there. When I decided to quit, I was going through my college finals..probably wasn't the best idea, I didn't get very good grades, but the stress of finals and the over consumption of my prescription pushed me over my limit. I will admit that when I first started taking adderall, I was not taking it every day. I only took it when I was studying or taking an exam. My grades were great and I felt like I could compete on the same level with the other classmates. I started taking my prescription daily when I broke off my engagement, I guess I used it because it got me through the odd emotional phase; as an Aspie emotions can be even more confusing than for the average Joe. That was 2 years ago. From then on I was taking more and more to fill that void, but 6 months ago I started a new relationship and he actually pointed out my "nasty adderall obsession". He has been there to guide me through my transformation and he has let me decide to quit for myself without pressure. Quitting a routine, bad or good, is especially hard for someone with Autism. Routines are what some of us rely on to go about our days. I think that has been the hardest for me, on top of the addiction. Anywho.. My boyfriend and I are thinking about trying to control my substance intake. Since adderall does help me in limited and controlled doses. I have asked him to control when I receive a dose and for the appropriate occasions, which we have discussed with my physician. I will not know where my prescription is located and will only receive a daily dose every-other-day. That way I don't abuse the adderall, receive the benefits of it, and hopefully create a more reliable and controlled routine for myself. I am sure this plan seems flawed, but I think it may work. I am getting my refill tomorrow and I will reply to this forum to let you all know how it's working, or not, and maybe this discussion can help others as well. If any of you have any advice, similar experiences, or other comments questions, please reply. Thank you for taking your time to read this. -TheHopefulJunkie
  25. I recently got WAY too drunk while I was at home visiting friends, and I relapsed on Concerta. After I got back to Florida, I also took 7 phenthermine (at once, talk about self destructive). I only did this because I was still feeling the Concerta and didn't want to let go of the feeling. It's funny, it truly shows how much worse Adderall is than everything else, because I already feel almost back to normal, and I know if I had taken the same amount of Adderall that I would still be feeling drained. I hope I didn't set myself back too much