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Found 6 results

  1. (10 year adderallic, currently 5 months sober) My boyfriend and I have only been together 10 months, but he's certainly the reason I committed to sobriety. I tried to warn him that the withdrawal would be bad, but he said he was in it for the long haul. He has zero substance abuse experience/knowledge, and i've tried sharing articles with him from this site but no one could prepare either of us for the months ahead. I have good days and bad days, but it's really fucking hard to control my PAWS. I've been so depressed, and he's expressed how that makes HIM depressed. I'm resentful towards him for not being strong enough to talk me down from my depression spirals, and resentful towards him for making me worry about how i'm affecting him when i'm already so wrapped up in my own problems. I postponed my sobriety for so long because every attempt I made was clearly affecting people around me, so it just felt easier to keep up this cycle. Now that we're here, it's clearly affecting us both in such a negative way. I've kept my addiction a secret my whole life, so I don't have much of a support system outside of him. I recognize how this is too much to put on one person, so i'm in therapy which has helped a bit but i'm still feeling weird. I want this to work and am so grateful for him, but worry this isn't sustainable. Help
  2. Hi everyone. My name is Jason. Before I go into a little of my story I'd like to tell anyone reading this that I relapsed (again) last week. Much like I have time and time again, month after month, I went back to what I know. The thing I hate most. Last month on the 5th (my birthday) I shamefully refilled another script and thought about being 24. It was hard processing that. It was also hard processing that it had been just under 4 years since I first had been prescribed adderall. Four years filled with the highest highs very quickly being followed by the darkest, lowest lows of my life. I cannot tell you the number of times I thought about and entertained the idea of ending my own life during those four years. I'd find myself month after month awake for days, running around tweaked out of my mind. During the darkest period of my use, I had three full psychotic breaks. Completely detached from reality, irrational and convinced that organized gang stalking was real. That people were following me, that they had cameras watching my disgusting, abhorrent behavior. I have used during most of my five year long relationship with my boyfriend. Several times I almost busted through his door banging on it at 3 or 4 am thinking that he was cheating on me. I could go on and on, but I'll spare you the rest. All of this is rushing through my mind on my birthday along with the drugs. I really tried to use properly, like I always tried to do and failed. I had a million reasons to run as far away from adderall as I could go. But here we are again. Of course I couldn't use correctly, it was just like any other month. Every day of this bender was usually a shame-filled mess of me crying. And I realized that I was sick of it. Wanted to be off the roller coaster I had to quit. I bought the narcotics anonymous handbook to read on my iPad (spoiler: it painted a picture of myself to a T, highly recommend), downloaded a sobriety tracking app and did it. I made it through the holidays! I was tired everyday and only watched to binge watch Netflix and eat whenever I was awake, but it wasn't too bad. I had a three-week break off of school which helped a lot. One of the reasons I knew this would be the best and probably only time I could quit and have a somewhat advantage of three weeks ahead to recover with no schoolwork or classes, etc. Each day I really loved the days adding up on the sobriety tracker. It filled me with pride about the choice I made and gave me a little bit of joy each time I hit one of the 'milestones'. Trying not to make this sound like an ad but all joking aside it really helped. I was getting more social each day and doing more work around my place. Feeling like I was going to be alright. Then school started back on Wednesday and right off the bat I had a big project I needed to start on. It was a group project so I had to build an iPhone app to spec in 5 days with 2 other students in my class. Terrible terrible terrible way I had to start class off. The whole first day I had no motivation. Wrote maybe 50 lines of code and moped around all day complaining about my tiredness. I already knew that tomorrow (Thursday) was the day of my appointment because the doctor's office automated appointment reminder called a few days earlier, ruining pretty much all of the progress I had made over the previous 2 weeks. As soon as I got that message I felt a pit in my stomach. i just needed an excuse. And what better excuse than needing my energy and focus back to do this project. I remember driving in my car when that slow burn started to happen and as it got stronger and stronger, I felt that the feeling of relief I used to get during this time was replaced with terror and shame. I sat there alone crying my eyes out. Now fast-forward to today: my tracking app shows "1 day" again. It shows my first attempt, and now it shows my week of use. But hey, that's okay! I need to learn through this process to go easy on and love myself. And finally! Here's what I'm proactively doing / have done to keep myself far away of any situation that will cause me to use again: - I called my doctor's office and cancelled my three-month refill appointment while also letting them know I have decided to no longer be treated for my ADHD (that one hurt just a bit to do, lol) - Tore up the other two printed scripts (all of these steps killed me honestly) - Made an account here with you guys so I can converse and let you know how it's going for me and also have some accountability. I'm not naive. I know this will be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I want to find myself again -- the person adderall stole from me. Thank you for taking the time to read a little bit of my story. I'm going to eat a good lunch and then go back to bed for awhile. -Jason
  3. I quit adderall on January 31st, 2019 and each day is a victory without the pill. I’ve been taking adderall for 8 years from age 20-28 and I was prescribed on 20-30mg/day. I notice I feel cravings pop up from time to time, missing the high, that "hit" that would kick in exactly 30 minutes after I took my pill. I had started setting the timer on my watch for 30 minutes after I took my pill so I could know exactly when it would kick in. I loved that feeling, and I still miss that feeling. But I don't want that poison in my body anymore. That was not the best me who God created me to be. I hated my personality on adderall and I despised the crashes. The anxiety, the sleeplessness, the rebound hunger. I resented social situations to the point where I would prefer to be alone in isolation than go out and socialize with my co-workers or friends. I would have anxiety about being in 1-on-1 social or networking situations when it was just me + someone else. I felt anxiety about those situations because I knew I couldn't completely interact with the adderall dampening my personality and desire to fully commit my full self to the conversation and actually connect. Since I've been clean, I've realized that was all an illusion that the adderall made me feel in my brain. When I'm not on the adderall, I am a different person. I am funny, nice, caring, and give time to others. On my adderall, I have a one-track mind and that is to get shit done. Period. Don't come in my office to talk to me, don't stop me in the hallway. I was selfish and lived to take that pill every day to create this false sense of achievement that was built up in my own mind. I do not want that to be my life anymore. I want to get back to the real me, which is consistent all the time. No longer experiencing my usual weekend crashes from the adderall binge work weeks. I don't want to equate Fridays with "feeling like I got run over by a train", which is how I would feel come every Friday after 5 days straight of adderall. I do not want the highs and lows anymore. I do not want the anxiety, the rebound hunger where my appetite comes roaring on the weekends and I binge eat on everything in sight. I want to have a normal, predictable appetite. I want to be able to sleep, normally, rather than waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat at 2am and then staying awake, my mind racing with anxious thoughts, unable to fall back asleep, until I watch my alarm go off at 7am to start my day which basically means taking that pill again. I want to get to know my true self that is not the "adderall me", and that is someone I love and that everyone loves. I am on a mission to become the best version of myself, which I know has impacted my dating life too and meeting my future husband, and that means getting rid of this drug that dims the bright light of who I know I'm truly meant to be in this world. I am nervous about the future and my life without this drug. I have achieved a lot with it - getting into business school, graduating with my MBA, working at a big tech company on the west coast. I am driven and high-functioning, but I've had adderall to help me. I worry I will not be capable to achieve that level of success without the drug. I worry I won't be able to focus and be productive like I could with adderall. I worry I won't exhibit the same relentless work ethic I am known for. But all those things, I realize, are still not worth it to continue sacrificing my authentic self, and mental and emotional well-being while taking this drug. I just don't want to do it anymore and put myself through this vicious cycle of what this drug leaves you feeling like when the high is gone. So, I am quitting adderall and I am ready to see what awaits me on the other side. I hope/know it's a better me than I could imagine, and I will come out of this stronger than I am now. Thank you for reading this!
  4. So I'm just over a week off adderall and I've been looking for a new job because I don't like the 1) reputation I have at my current job and 2) feel like this is a new phase of my life so it should be starting with a new job. Anyone else had this feeling after quitting and if you followed through, did it work out well? I think I nailed the interview which is really good for me being as I was totally sober during it. But part of me is a little worried I won't be as on point if I decide to take this new job. Thoughts?
  5. I am on day 64 without Adderall. I am wanting a Ritalin today I am overwhelmed and have such bad anxiety idk what to do. Does anyone have any info that states ur brain is automatically set back to the first stage by just a little? Doesn't any progress help? Is giving urself a little after doing so well the worst thing ever??? Answers please :/
  6. How I got over my first love, Adderall

    I didn't believe in love. Sophomore year of college, that all changed. I met her. Adderall. I was in the library with a group of students. I mentioned to my peers I had a big test to study for the next day. One of my classmates mentioned his prescription to Adderall and how it could help me stay awake. He had 20 mg XR and sold me two of them for ten dollars. I carried them to my car, where I saw a friend walking. She, too, was prescribed Adderall and I explained how I had just bought a couple and was scared to take them. She got in my car as I gave her a ride home and told me to take it sooner than later to avoid staying up all night. I almost cried when I took the pill because I was so scared. I didn't want to feel unlike myself. But when I got to work, I felt something I'd never felt before. It was almost like heaven. I was extremely motivated to clean, to talk to customers, to take care of any business that needed handled. I paid extreme detail to everything. I decided I could drink an energy drink. My heart raced fast. I also felt my appetite suppressed. I stayed up all night writing notes for my test, and ended up getting an A on the test. I felt like a rockstar. College had knocked me down and hit me with some failures in quite a few ways, and Adderall made me feel like I was on top of the world. At least for a little while. I started buying most of his pills. He relied on me to remind him when his prescription was ready because, like clockwork (like a true addict) it was at the top of my priority list. I started finding more and more dealers. I would buy them all out. I was taking upwards of 150 mg XR per day, plus energy drinks and Ritalin & Straterra (which i was able to get myself prescribed). I started snorting the pills to feel the effects harder. And taking puffs of my inhaler to get my heart racing. Keep in mind that I am a 110 pound female. I stopped eating most meals and drinking water. I became very frail, and unable to workout. Before, I was a very social person, a mediocre student, a lazy worker, an incredible loving and caring friend. But with Adderall, I became a different human being. I focused all of my time on work, making money just to spend it on my Adderall habit. It was a cycle. I started focusing on projects by myself, doing my homework very efficiently, and even doing several friends homework for them. I became very interested in everything, but saw my genuine passions fade. Adderall gave me, as I'm sure it has for you, a sense of false confidence. I thought I was the queen, for a minute at least when my pills peaked. But when I came down, I became very self-aware, very self conscious. A once confident and full of life girl looked herself straight in the eye in the mirror and couldn't tell you one single good thing about herself. A once creative artist and writer tore up every single thing she'd ever created because she doubted its worth, and her own. I began masking this pain with getting extremely fucked up and blacked out, once overdosing and getting a concussion. Still none of this was a red flag for me, and I continued to let my body deteriorate as well as everything I ever believed in. I became very distant from everyone. I was never really present. If I was in your presence it was probably fake, with my mind trying to figure out how I was going to get more Adderall. I forced myself into isolation, only to realize in a several weeklong binge comedown that my mind and lack of self respect was the driving force behind this addiction. The next couple months were painful. I smoked a lot of weed and gained a lot of weight. I spent a lot of time sleeping, a lot of time I'd missed while being strung out. I eventually told my parents, as well as my counselor that I'd been manipulating him to get pills the entire time I'd been seeing him. I never really felt like I had any real motivation to quit, though. I continued to get blacked out drunk, and when I wasn't sleeping or working, I was smoking weed. The weed only continued to make me doubt myself, as a student, a friend, and an artist. I continued to destroy everything I created, rip up any evidence that I had any thoughts outside of the fake image that I was portraying. Never fully recovering, I relapsed. But this time, the Adderall made me feel like shit the entire time. From start to finish. I felt guilty the second I ingested it, and the next twelve or so hours I spent frantically trying to cope with the decision I made to do so. I admitted to my boyfriend that I'd been taking adderall again, and he explained how he'd felt let down even though it was me who had to deal with the consequences and shame. My Adderall usage wasn't only affecting me, though. It was affecting my mood, and my attitude toward everything. I saw myself becoming increasingly negative yet again, and I realized that this is not who I was made to be. I keep coming back to this thought, and I think it's what keeps me from trying to get pills ever again: I am stronger than my demons. I think that this is the simple truth for getting over any addiction. I don't personally believe that I need to go to AA or stop having a beer or go to a 28 day rehabilitation center. For me, I just needed to outsmart my demons. If you have an Adderall addiction problem, I'm sure our "demons" are similar. 1 I am a perfectionist who does not deal well with failure. 2 I like to please others, and I absolutely adore attention and approval 3 I have a "I'm dying/I'm losing time" complex, where I think relaxation is laziness All I had to do, honestly, was get to know myself a little, and as cheesy as it sounds, stop caring so much about other people's opinions. It's good to try hard and do well, but not at the cost of your health, physical or mental. I know that Adderall and other psychostimulants (such as Ritalin, Concerta) do not make me feel good. I also know that they are not necessary to my wellbeing or my happiness, as I feel the happiest and healthiest I've ever been currently. I wish you the best in your journey back to yourself. I pray you are able to regain your passions and your love for life as I am slowly but surely. You don't need Adderall to focus, and you don't really need to stay awake to study for your final THAT bad. So here is my declaration: I'm adderall free.