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roadtorecovery

1 year anniversary adderall-free

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Hello everyone. It's been awhile since I've been on this site... It was extremely helpful when I was going through the quitting/recovering process. I recently realized that this month will be my one year 'anniversary' for being clean from that little pill that controlled my life for...too long. I have been reflecting on my year and thinking quite often about how much my life has changed, both in good ways and bad. I felt like I owed it to all of you to tell my story, to be an inspiration to you all..as I honestly don't think I could have done it without visiting this site at least once a day in the beginning. I think back to the time I flushed my pills down the toilet...It was so dramatic. I was in college at the time. I had been contemplating quitting for quite some time but always made excuses and there was never going to be a 'right time' to quit... I knew my life would fall apart, but at the same time I knew it was something I needed to do, as I couldn't deny any longer that my life wasn't already falling apart. It was spring break and I didn't have plans, so I saw that week as an opportunity to get through the worst of the withdrawal (as I didn't have anything I had to do for a week). I will never forget how God awful the withdrawal was at first... A year later, and I can vividly remember how terrible it was. I was suicidal at one point and drove myself (in a hysterical state) to an inpatient clinic. In the beginning each day was a struggle. I remember one day (a few days in) driving to the lake and just sitting in the nature in the peace and quiet and writing in my journal about how I was feeling. It helps a lot to force yourself to get out of bed and out of the house... It also helps to force yourself to eat healthy and be conscious of what you're eating because you will probably just want to eat a lot of unhealthy foods, which will only make you feel worse. It gets better with time- I cannot stress that enough.

I am not going to lie, there are times when I still think to myself that I would give my right leg for one of those pills, but then I remember what all I went through to get to where I am now... I have to force myself to remember the reasons why I quit- my poor health (despite the fact that I was skinny), the ridiculously high level of anxiety that I often felt, feeling like I had lost all authenticity as a person, feeling detached from the people I loved, feeling like I had no empathy for anyone, feeling like I couldn't laugh, not being able to sleep (having to take sleeping pills to wind down- creating a vicious cycle), getting sores in my mouth, not being able to wake up without that little pill.... I am here to tell you that **it takes TIME**.... Like, quite a bit of time...for the chemicals in your brain to level out and get back to normal. It took a long time for me to start feeling normal. A year later, and I feel like me again... I have a personality! I have such a greater capacity to love and be loved. I can laugh (I remember after quitting realizing how good it felt to laugh). I can have genuine interactions with people and not feel like a fake person with a big secret..a person who has it all together only because I had the help of this little secret. It's still not all rainbows and butterflies... I still think about that pill and how much easier everyday tasks could be (especially ones that require a good deal of focus/concentration...I still genuinely exhibit ADD symptoms- but I'd rather live with it). Also, a big struggle I still have is that I compare myself now to who I was when I was on the pill, and I feel like I can never reach that level of perfection without the pill..but that's something I'm still working to overcome. I have gained quite a bit of weight, but I am healthier overall- I can exercise without feeling like I am going to have a heart attack and I can actually enjoy food and social drinking with friends. Anyway...

I am going to wrap this up now...I'm sorry- I feel like I've just been rambling-I'm quite tired and, like I said, my thoughts aren't as organized and my mind not as focused these days but I felt the need to write something here as someone who has gone through what you all are going through and who has made it this far... You can do it- just do whatever you have to do to get through the hardest part and you will be so glad you did.. There will never be an ideal time to quit so stop making excuses...Life is too short. My biggest piece of advice is to give the recovery process time and not give up. Godspeed. :wub:

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Congratulations ! One year is AMAZING.

I am only on week 2, but this certainly was an inspirational post.

I already feel my personality is back. Not fully, but having an honest laugh is one of the best feelings to have back.

I do find myself comparing me sober to me on adderall.

I get sick everytime i look at pictures of me on adderall. My mind only recalls the 'good times' when i look at those photos.

I constantly compare my body now to my body on adderall. It is very hard to come to terms with the fact that i will never be the person that i was on that pill.

For the most part, that is a great thing...but in some ways i miss myself on it. For stupid reasons, like weight and the ability to be so detached from my emotions and other peoples feelings. But those are horrible things to miss.

Once againm congrats on being sober! You give me hope

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Congratulations for sure. A year is monumental and I've been there before too. Just hoping I can get there again,stories like yours just convince me a little more that anyone can. Thanks for that and your honesty as well.

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Congratulations ! One year is AMAZING.

I am only on week 2, but this certainly was an inspirational post.

I already feel my personality is back. Not fully, but having an honest laugh is one of the best feelings to have back.

I do find myself comparing me sober to me on adderall.

I get sick everytime i look at pictures of me on adderall. My mind only recalls the 'good times' when i look at those photos.

I constantly compare my body now to my body on adderall. It is very hard to come to terms with the fact that i will never be the person that i was on that pill.

For the most part, that is a great thing...but in some ways i miss myself on it. For stupid reasons, like weight and the ability to be so detached from my emotions and other peoples feelings. But those are horrible things to miss.

Once againm congrats on being sober! You give me hope

this is exactly what I have been kinda going thru lately....sorta feeling super sluggish, kinda lumpy as I pack on a few more pounds and feel a little more matronly. And for fuck sakes a tan may help a little!!!! Fuck this Casper shit already....its crazy but I was thin..too much at points...I had long hair,a great tan...cute clothes in tiny sizes and I felt like I was a cool chick...not trying to be younger in a retarded way...but I felt younger than my age. Now......fuck...I feel 20 years older,I feel lumpy and dumpy. And rarely want to do that much...when my husbands shit got bad I had a freak moment and hacked the fuck outta my hair....its growing...I didn't go g.I Jane ...but I cut about 6-7 inches off. So I feel just like some lady now....its weird.

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So I feel just like some lady now....its weird.

For all the women on this site: unless you're Joan Rivers or have thousands of dollars and endless time to spend on ever-increasing "repair and maintenance", becoming some lady is inevitable. The only thing that will make you feel better about this is the peace of knowing you've spent more time working on the inside than the outside, and it's starting to show.

I love this piece by Andy Rooney, bless his soul:

"A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize."

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I like that bit, we all end up being a lady someday :) honestly it was hard not to get depressed reading this initially, being dumpy and tired sucks. And I feel soo dumpy. But then I remember, I was already gaining weight back, the stunning girl was already gone regardless of staying on it. I guess that's the thing we ladies need to remember? The illusion is just that, an illusion. What's not an illusion is acne, dried out skin, hollow eyes, and a strung out personality, oh and garbage term papers, those happen too. 20 lbs or losing the rest of your hair? Worst part is that I had to think about it. Thank you for your story. I want to make it a year.

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Wow! One year! Congratulations! It's helpful to hear from someone who quit during their college years- as that's what I'm doing. Keep up the good work :) xoxo

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Thanks for the posi words. It helps. I'm working at it. Sloooooooooowly. Everything is slow. I did laugh today though. That's what made me pop on here again. Something of note.

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