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Glad to hear -- I hope you told your doctor everything you told us!

Messaged my doctor i no longer want a script, I'm in I'm finally on board

100% agree with that. Sometimes I look at him and it sounds like the person I married, looks like the person I married, but I know it's not. If he's normal and like his old self for a bit it's always fleeting. I just give it a a few days and I am dealing with a cruel, erratic, volatile person again. These pills can certainly ruin relationships. I have found so many posts on this site that I could've written because it's so eerily similar to my own story. Everyone has pretty much told me the same thing. This isn't rock bottom for him and he'll keep going until he does reach it, unfortunately. I just read your own story and wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about everything you've been through. That is truly horrific. I hope you also find happiness and are able to rebuild and heal your relationship with your kids. I hope your wife is able to get clean down the road. Congratulations on your job as well!

It's amazing how similar all of our stories are. I noticed the exact same changes in my spouse when she got on both adderall and vyvanse. They turn into completely different people that you never knew existed. Unfortunately, as you said, there is no telling them that this drug is causing both him and you lots of problems. As an alcoholic I know there wasn't much telling me that I had a problem until it was too late. He may have to crash and burn on his own to realize what he is losing. I wish you the best of luck and hope you soon find happiness.

I've definitely been there. It's a really dark place to be. Here's to never going back!

Thank you for the kind reply. The truth is I am not even sure how bad the extent of the abuse was, only he knows exactly what he was doing and he will never be honest with me. This has been a really dark time in my life, but trying to hold it together and hoping one day he will get clean for our kids sake. Most people don't typically understand how addictive adderall can be or what can happen when it's abused at high doses long-term; I certainly didn't until last year. I scoured the internet for so many months looking for answers. People are often so confused when I tell them he has an adderall/vyvanse addiction and is no longer the same person I once knew. I think largely because it's a prescription and every other person you talk to is on it so people think it must be something else that is going on.

So glad to hear you're committed to healing and getting your old self back. Let us know how you're doing! It may look like we aren't active but we are. We had some recent problems with bots spamming us, which really made it hard to filter through and find peoples' posts. But we're here!

Thanks for sharing your story. I think the answer is yes to all of your questions. But his usage is severe. I am not an expert so I can't possibly know, but I think that if he gets help, gets clean, and gets treatment for whatever underlying condition he has been using adderall to cope with, he will eventually heal -- I sincerely hope with all my being that that is what happens. It sounds cliche, but he has to admit to himself that he has a problem before that healing can begin. The fact that he admitted this is definitely a ray of hope in your story, and is at least a little bit encouraging.

Thanks for sharing. People do still check this site. We had a lot of spam lately which was burying the actual content but it seems to have been taken care of -- thanks mods! I know what you mean about it being therapeutic to put this all in writing. I hope your ex-wife is able to break free from the prison she's in, and that your kids are OK and you are able to heal your relationship with them. Congratulations on having 2 years clean!

Hello everyone. I'm not sure how many read these posts or how often. Even if no one responds, that's okay. It just feels good to get this out in writing after a couple years. I've read many of the posts about failed marriages due to this nasty drug and the parallels between those stories and mine are pretty much carbon copies. Today marks the day from which I have one week to be released from a halfway house after being locked up for 2 years due to my wife reporting me for seeing my kids outside of the confines of a protective order she took out while on an adderall and alcohol binge. My apologies if this post is long. I met my wife 15 years ago when she had a little girl that was 5 years old. We married a year later and I became a stepdad. I think I was a good one, too. I taught her how to ride a bike, helped her with reading and her homework, got her doing so well that she was accepted into a college prep program by the 7th grade. I'm a college grad myself so I was really gunning for her success. We had a son two years after being married and I treated my wife like a queen through the whole process. Having her daughter was a stressful event so I had a penthouse-sized suite at the hospital bought and paid for months in advance with a week of care for her and our son. She and the in-laws thought I'd hung the moon. I was on an enter-without-knocking basis with them and her friends that became my friends. I let her know every day of our marriage how beautiful she was to me. Life was good with promotions and vacations for years after. We were even able to have our own house built after a couple years of working our butts off. I guess when you're with a person for over 10 years and have seen the good, the bad and the ugly, you think you know them. I thought so. My wife and I were both heavy drinkers but we kept it under control when the kids were around. We tried drugs here and there at parties and some were fun but we were never hooked. I tried adderall for the first time when I was a construction supervisor and one pill kept me wife awake for 2 days straight. It gave me energy, but not the kind of energy I liked. I had and still have problems with crippling depression and anxiety so I took prescription Klonopin and Effexor. I work best with downers. My wife and I are exact opposites. She's a type-A personality with severe ADHD and I should've known she'd eventually try to get on adderall. I dreaded that thought because I loved her bubbly personality and knew things wouldn't be the same. Fast forward to late 2021. She says she has trouble concentrating at work and at home and she's going to see the PCP that we share. Lo and behold, she gets him to prescribe her vyvanse. This gives her a bit more energy and concentration but after a couple months she says it's not enough. She sees him again and gets prescribed an adderall "booster" for the vyvanse...a 30 mg booster. And she starts going through these things immediately. She even carries them on her at all times. Her personality starts to change very gradually for the worse. It's an insidious change. One that gives you a sense of impending doom and heartbreak. But it's like watching two cars that are past the point of no return from hitting each other head-on. She became hyper-focused on all things she suddenly didn't approve of. "Why did you clean the whole house and still not do the dishes? Why is the grass not cut, it's already 9 am! What are you looking at on your computer? My bitch of an assistant pissed me off today...and why is the trash not taken out? Do I have to do everything around here?! What are you upset about today? Get over it, crybaby! How dare you bitch and moan and say I ignore my children, you're just a pathetic motherfucker!" Yeah, that was another thing. She lacks a lot of empathy, even for the kids. She even admitted that she didn't have the time or patience to help the kids with their homework during the covid times. I didn't mind because I love helping them and hate seeing them upset when things are hard to figure out. She would take trips to the grocery store on Saturdays and normally take a couple hours and be back. I'm not one to call and nitpick because I trusted her. When the adderall hit the scene she began taking 4-5 hours for a store that's just 15 minutes away. The kids started to complain that she was missing out on going to the pool or doing things with them. She said she didn't have time to worry about their complaints. I should've read between the lines anyway. So was I innocent during all this? Absolutely not. But I admitted I had a problem with alcohol early on and asked her if she might help me get some kind of treatment. She looked at me with sheer contempt. I was going through almost two liters of vodka a day to numb my home life. I would stumble here and there, sadly right in front of the kids sometimes. I would pick fights with her when she nitpicked at me. I went through three jobs in the year 2022. Finally, I landed a job which paid in the six-figure range but I could tell she wasn't impressed and had other ideas. December 31st of 2022 was the last time we were together as a married couple. We partied with friends and had uncharacteristically great sex that night. That's another thing. Sex was never an issue and we never went a couple days without it, but this last time she acted like it was the greatest sex she'd ever had in a million lifetimes. That was another red flag. Now we get to January 4th of 2023. We had an argument the night before about something trivial but slept soundly. I called her in the morning to tell her I love her and I get my head bitten off. I didn't recognize why I was talking to. 8 hours later I return home and the locks are changed on the doors. I knock and she says she has called the police. Knowing a little something about Texas law, I wait by my truck for them to show up. In this state, you can't just lock your spouse out of the house unless there is a court order. The police show up and she tells them I'm a danger to her and the kids. I've never laid a finger on any of them and have never threatened to. She becomes so belligerent that the police are tired of the scene being created in front of our HOA neighborhood and they tell her to give me a key and go to her mother's house. She peels off after giving me a look of pure murder. Thankfully, the kids are staying at their grandmother's for the week. I come in and see adderall pills spilled all over the counter next to an empty whiskey bottle. I don't drink whiskey. I stay at the house and drink heavily that night but leave with some of my stuff in the morning to stay with my parents for a couple days. Two days later, I'm served with a protective order barring me from contact with her and the kids and the house. We go to the hearing and although the female judge cannot stand my wife and her bad acting, she still grants her a protective order for a year with the condition I'm allowed to talk to my kids on the phone. I tried calling my mother-in-law and our friends but she'd already taken care of that. God only knows what she told them. I assumed divorce was imminent, obviously, but whenever I brought it up my wife would act insulted that I even suggested it. She said I needed to get myself sober and get my shit together. Of course, she could not be held accountable for any problems she caused. I had a feeling she was holding out so she could avoid paying me alimony. I had to beg to talk to my son. My step-daughter had already been turned against me and still hasn't talked to me to this day. She allowed me to cheat the system and see my son on Father's Day that year and even held my hand and kissed me and told me she loved me with tears in her eyes. She seemed a lot calmer and a little tired but still full of humor, kind of like her old self. A couple weeks later, she had changed her last name on social media, blocked me, and again refused to let me talk to my son. I texted him one night and his reply was "Go away, loser." So I'd had enough. I showed up to the house and walked right in and said "Hey family!" Her and my step-daughter had a look of sheer panic on their faces. Her and I walked out and started arguing in front of the Ring camera at the front door. She would later say to the judge in court that I threatened her with her life. I told the judge that this was all on camera and she dismissed my wife's claim. Over the next month I went to the house when my wife wasn't home to see my son who I missed terribly. He was 10 years old. The last time I saw him, he began crying and took out his phone and dialed the police, telling me "Sorry Daddy, I have to." So there you have it. I was arrested that last time and charged with three counts of Felony Violation of Protective Order. My attorney, the judge and the DA were very confused when my wife gave her victim impact statement. It was 10 full minutes of rambling jargon that didn't even mention how I broke the law. I could tell she was still on those pills and probably drinking. But still, here I am after 2 years of lockup. I met dozens upon dozens of men that were going through the same thing in jail. Hey, at least I'm 2 years sober. Our house is $10,000 behind in property taxes and will be in foreclosure soon. I don't want any part of anything. I'm lucky to have my sanity. She's making a fool enough of herself on social media with the typical "I don't need no man" posts. Strange thing to post when your friends have to help you with food and bills. There is now a no-contact order in place which keeps my from my house and kids, indefinitely. Oh, and did I mention she now parties with our step-daughter at bars? It's more than likely she's seeing other guys but takes care to hide it. I already found a job that pays well and that will overlook my record. I just want to get a good divorce lawyer and make this process go by as quickly as possible so I can see my son again. My friends, I can't express how deeply depressed, disappointed, bewildered and blindsided I've been by this thing that used to be the love of my life. I imagine you all share similar sentiments, whether you're a man or a woman. That's another thing: this didn't make my loathe all women. In fact, I love the ones even more that don't pull this type of crap. I ended with a sentence in an email I sent her when she last blocked me on her phone. "Please get off this drug before it's too late for you to turn back. If not for me, for our kids. You and I used to say we were not perfect but that we were perfect for each other. When you finally stop this, it will be too late and I won't be there."

I found this site about 6 months ago, while researching adderall and vyvanse and desperately seeking answers. This website has saved my sanity. Thank you to everyone who has shared their story. My husband and I met back in 2016 after he completed his first year of medical school. I moved across the country to be with him and we got married at the end of 2018. I knew early on he was on adderall, but I did not know anything specifically about adderall. He told me he went to a provider back in college to get a prescription while he was pre-med. I am not in the medical field, have never been on any medications and never had a reason to do a deep dive on these drugs until last year. I was incredibly naive to say the least, but hindsight is 20/20. I knew he had these pills he took and before board exams he would often get extra from other classmates or friends. While he was in medical school he was prince charming. He was charismatic, a gentleman, outgoing, life of the party, kind, empathetic, compassionate, etc. All I heard was how much he wanted to be a father and a husband and have a family. His parents and my parents are still together after 30+ years of marriage and he always told me he was the "never get divorced" type. He assured me of how much of a family man he was. I pretty much doted on him all of medical school, cooking for him, supporting him financially, doing his laundry, errands, etc. to lighten his load so he could focus on school. We moved across the country yet again (2020) once he matched into residency. I got pregnant and had our first baby after his first week of starting his anesthesia residency in 2021. We made the decision together I would get pregnant when I did and that I would stop working to stay home with our daughter. To condense years of our life, I started seeing Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I started to see massive binge-drinking and worried about his drinking constantly. I started seeing massive sleep issues. If he was off work he would sleep until 1 or 2 pm. He would tell me he was going to get up and study all day and we could do things as a family in the evening if he got a full day of studying in. Inevitably, he would toss and turn all night and fall asleep in the wee hours of the morning and sleep until the afternoon. Get up and pop a pill and study until past midnight. Our sleep schedule slowly stopped aligning. I would be going to sleep and he would be up jogging around the neighborhood at 11 pm/midnight. Exercising until he vomited I think to come down from the amphetamines. In hindsight, I think drinking to also come down. I didn't feel like my daughter and I were a priority, but whenever I would talk to him about my concerns he would say, it was just residency and the only way out was through. I started seeing a massive lack of empathy, comparing my traumatic emergency c-section where I lost a liter of blood to a broken arm he had as child, for example. He blamed his drinking and sleep issues on residency and I believed him. He kept telling me things would get better once he was out of residency and we could finally be a normal family. He would get extra pills from friends prior to board exams while in residency and now looking back, I think he was hoarding his pills. He told me himself he was doubling up prior to his last exam in July of 2024. He toggled back and forth from adderall and vyvanse throughout the years. There's a lot more to it, but my family basically helped financially support us while he was in residency, believing it to be a temporary situation. They bought us the house we lived in and let him pay whatever he wanted. He accepted a job and I knew we were moving back to my hometown after residency was done to be near family. He begged me for another child and after putting him off for a while I finally agreed. I got pregnant and when I was 4 months pregnant last January (2024) he basically sat me down and told me we were no longer in love, he wasn't buying a house with me or getting financially entangled with me. We had just gotten pre-qualified to buy a house that week. He was 6 months out from being done with residency and us starting our lives together. All I heard for years was how much he loved me, couldn't do this without me, etc. We had our problems and we weren't in the honeymoon stage by any means, residency had taken a toll on us, but I think at the time we absolutely could have salvaged our marriage. Prior to January 2024, I would have never called him abusive. He became very verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, financially abusive, crossed the line physically a few times, all while I was pregnant and postpartum. I started seeing the man I love turn into a monster. Throughout the months one minute telling me how much he loves me, wants to make it work, doesn't want to split up our family, to 72 hours later telling me we're divorcing. We moved states and he moved out two weeks later and left me with our newborn and 3 year old. His rage and anger became out of control. I started looking into all of his supplements, researching bipolar disorder trying to understand what was going on with him. When I finally had a lightbulb go off and started researching amphetamines and started talking to him about it, he became enraged. He says I can't handle that the problem is staring me in the face every day and so I have to make it about drugs. He has been on these pills for 15 years now. When we moved he tried getting off the pills, which was the peak of the crazy. I found him in the bath at 7 am sweating profusely when he had been in a deep sleep. The next time I talked to him he was back on the pills. He denies they have played a role in his personality change and the destruction of our marriage. Yet, he is still on these pills. He has a different excuse for staying on them each time I talk to him. He has turned into such a liar, which I never used to think he lied. He filed for divorce over the holidays. We have a 3 year old and a 10 month old and just recently learned our 10 month old has a very rare neurological disorder. He wouldn't go to church with me, wouldn't go to intensive couples therapy, therapy for himself, or see a psychologist. I got him referrals. I put myself in therapy and our daughter as well. He told me at one point his dopamine was screwed and I believe it. I saw depression throughout the years. He takes no joy in anything anymore and has become very isolated. He seems a shell of his former self. I begged him not to file and to give us time to be a family for even 6 months and to get off the pills. His story changed every month why we were divorcing, but largely that he will "never be happy with me" although he was happy with me for years. I read books on strengthening our marriage and communication and he was reading books on divorce and telling me the kids will be fine. Everything is about him. He is always the victim, he has 0 remorse for anything he says or does, no accountability. He won't admit he has a pill problem, a drinking problem, or that he is very abusive now. I don't recognize the person I married anymore. I know what I see isn't normal. His behavior is super erratic. He has even mentioned not going through with the divorce twice this month alone. I have never seen or heard of a transformation like this. Sometimes it feels like my life is a movie, a horrible nightmare. He says his behavior changed because our marriage changed. I recently learned that he also had a cocaine addiction prior to meeting me, which I had no clue about. We are currently in the thick of our divorce and some days I will wake up in the morning to extremely crazy, verbose tirades that are almost delusional at all hours of the night when he should be sleeping. I know he abused these pills at high doses for years. Before we moved he was given a script for 90 pills of vyvanse at 60 mg. He was often operating on 4 hours of sleep and popping a pill, drinking on these pills, chewing nicotine, and drinking coffee and taking caffeine pills on top of it trying to make it through the shifts at work. I guess my question is - does this sound largely related to addiction? Or could there be another explanation? Has anyone ever gotten clean with this type of abuse and stayed clean? If he does ever get fully clean will he understand the wreckage he created?

Thank you. I was on it for 3 yr 60-70mg a day. I also slept every other night during the last half of my use.

Can anyone tell me if the sensation of feeling completely out of it and stressed is one that goes away. Even on adderall I was stressed but I managed it well. Since ive been off I Have had horrible mood swings. I dont know why this is happening if its in my control. I feel like going through withdrawl and everything has created a mental illness. My father was very bipolar and one thing I prided myself on before getting on adderall was being able to control my emotions. Its been around 6-7 months since I've stopped and I genuinely dont see a way out. My mood is one thing but being able to control my actions is HUGE. I dont have that right now. I hope theres others who have had similar experiences and can tell me if this goes away. I genuinely dont think ill be here in a year if it doesnt.

Heavy adderall addict here. Been clean for 5 years. Your list hits 100% accurate… all of it. Particularly No. 1

Hey, sorry about the spam - I think once I get the forum software updated and relicensed it should calm down. I try to drop in as much as I can these days, but in the meantime you can report spam which should send me an email update!

Absolutely! It's totally normal. Best wishes, you'll get through this!

And then ironically, happiness just manages to somehow find you! But it comes in small doses, and you can't control it. But when it hits, it's better than a pill.

How long were you on it? And congratulations on 7 months! That's is HUGE.

Hey, I'm 7 months off of Adderall. I feel much better than I did in the initial months, but I'm still missing my personality. I used to be insanely witty and could make just about anyone laugh. I was also very present in conversations. I had dated multiple girls who liked me purely for my humor. I lost all that on Adderall. Does anyone know if that comes back?? What is it caused by, and how long it takes?

Wow congrats on 6 months!!

Day 3 from a quick wean down that turned back up to 10-20mgs per day. I gave the rest of the adderall to my sister so cold turkey here I come. I’m exhausted and have moments where I feel out of my mind moody. I know it’s going to be a tough month and feel bad putting my kids and hubs through it, but if I don’t that’s even worse. Posting on here to keep myself accountable bc I want this to be my last time. I’ve posted so many failed attempts on here and am ashamed but just want to keep trying. The withdrawal is brutal right now and half of my brain is trying to justify getting a new script. I signed up for VeesHoney quitting adderall course, left my psychiatrist practice, told my husband this is the last time I will do this, and I report in next week to my therapist who I told I would never take adderall again. I’m trying to keep myself more accountable this time (I swear this might be the hundredth time I’ve tried to quit). How much easier would it be to take the drug but I want to be free. This has to be it even though I keep hoping to find a forgotten piece of adderall somewhere. Can both exist in my mind?!

Yes but it takes time.. lots of it. Trust the process. You can do it!! It will take a few months to start feeling normal again. I’ve been off it completely for 2.5 years and I’m back to my old self never to touch that junk again.

I feel nothing. No motivation, joy, can’t have fun anymore after the abuse. Currently still using but much lower dose. If I quit long term will my emotions come back? Even on the days I dont use, i feel like an empty black hole, but its worse when i take them

I just hit 6 months off of a 3yr, 60-70mg Adderall a day. The first months of recovery were extreme; I was scared of everyone and everything. I thought It was over, thought I'd never be happy again. I dreaded who I had become. Then, yesterday, It clicked... I wasn't happy before Adderall, and I was just as anxious. For 3 years, I was constantly chasing a feeling, and during that, I lost my purpose. I lost the reason to care for anything other than that instant gratification. The pre-Adderall me had a strong sense of who he was, didn't care what others thought of him, and lived every day according to his purpose. Good or bad, he was gonna follow his rules. I think a lot of people on here are waiting to "feel" good. You have to realize that if you're looking for happiness, you'll never find it. That fulfillment of having purpose and meaning Is what's gonna get you there. So, I'm trading my pursuit of happiness for the pursuit of purpose. I suggest you do the same.

This site seems to be getting over-run with spam. Any active mods available for a culling?