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  3. here we go again

    I quit nov 19 2019. i relapsed this may and have been using 20 mg every day since. Im going clean again starting tomorrow and can not believe i have to go through this again. im so sick of this shit. I just came on here to say that if you made it to a year clean KEEP GOING i swear your addict brain is going to trick you into thinking you need it again, YOU DON'T.
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  5. Ten Years Free

    QO an all time great QA contributor. Congrats on the decade mark. You the man. If you're new...highly recommend looking back at his old posts.
  6. Ten Years Free

    congrats @quit-once !! I love the imagery of the melted pill on the rock - an awful habit meeting an unyielding force. I too still consume (a bit too much) alcohol and weed. while I don't see myself stopping altogether, I would like to have a better relationship with them!
  7. One Word Status Update

  8. Ten Years Free

    This is so cool to read. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I'm really happy that you were able to get through leaving this behind and getting on with the life you were meant to have. I sincerely appreciate you sharing this!
  9. Ten Years Free

    Congratulations!!! Amazing post. Thank you Quit-Once. 10 years of life without the adderall and retired. Now you get to live the good life.
  10. Ten Years Free

    Today marks ten years since quitting adderall. I still have my last pill which is a burnt glob on a rock that I placed into a fire. I look at it almost every day, grateful that I no longer have that awful habit. I plan to throw it into the river to celebrate the ten years of my life after adderall. I also quit nicotine about the same time. I have my health, I have my freedom, I am enjoying life and I recently became retired. I still use alcohol, smoke weed and drink coffee. Alcohol will be the next habit which I give up, for health reasons, although I am not committed to full sobriety just yet. If you are reading this post and thinking you might need to quit stimulants at some point in the future, I encourage you to plan your quit move on to a new life after the addiction. I was encouraged by reading posts of people who successfully quit and moving on with their lives. Quitting this drug is perhaps the most difficult challenge you will take on in life. It is 100% worth the effort.
  11. ^totally this. Adderall has a well documented effect of of lowering decision anxiety - which of course is a good or bad thing depending on whether you "really" have ADHD. this coupled with the euphoria makes you feel GREAT about EVERY (quick, rash) decision you make.
  12. I actually did a bit more research on this, and I think there is something a little more unique about Adderall which could account for that additional "kick". while the main psychoactive ingredient of both Adderall and Vyvanse is dextroamphetamine, Adderall's formulation is actually a combination of both dextroamphetamine and levoamphetamine (about 3:1 ratio). I think when compared with formulations of pure dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine for example), patients tend to report Adderall feeling "edgier" - of course a totally subjective experience. regarding the route of administration (ingesting vs snorting), snorting will always be more intense regardless of the formulation differences noted above. I was on Wellbutrin for a few years after quitting Adderall. the effect was subtle but definitely helpful, though I was not taking such a high dose as you. anecdotally, it seems that dosages higher than 300mg tend to induce anxiety.
  13. Happy Sunday Guys.. ZayKay, I relate to your statement, "These past 6 years have been the craziets years of my life". I basically took adderall as perscribed for ADD for 20 years or so. I didnt really care if I took more than perscribed as long as it was the exception and not the rule. I believed I needed the drug for my underlying ADD and to cope with the crazy circumstances in my life. I got though some scary battles. I survived when others didnt. And here's the rub, it just so happened that my crazy times, my "wilderness experience" of survival appeared to last as long as I was taking the adderall. And while I am proud I made it through to the other side, there is a part of me that believes I somehow created those crazy realities becuase of the drug. "As a man thinkith, so he is" is a biblical statement. The inner affects the outer. We all know our thinking changes on stimulant medication. While I might not have avoided some of the challenges I faced, I sure as shit could have reduced or mimimized the impact if I had not been taking this drug. My choices would have been different. I might not have jumped into that startup company in 2008 if I wasnt taking it..I might have been better able to assess the risks. I might have been more cautious with the business partners I allowed into my life. One of them died and the other ended up in jail. I miight have stayed away from those people and saved myself years of suffering and pain with court battles and false claims against me. It was crazy. Now at 23.5 months, I have none of the drama! Wife and kids, new house, good relationships, Its all good!!!!! I just focus on my recovery and God and life keeps getting better and better. Even during the covid crises, my world continued to improve while the rest of the world went into lockdown. I think its becuase I stopped the stimulants. If i can help anyone else avoid the suffering I went through, I want to do that. If you have been taking it for awhile, its not easy to stop, but if you prepare for the recovery period by making it your top priority over career and money, set up the structure through part time work, or family assistance, make the spiritual more important than the material, you life will get better and better. I promise...
  14. Thanks for the support you guys I really appreciate it. I mean yeah....I always knew that Vyvanse and Adderall were essentially the same drug but like you said the time release mechanism is different. You have to actually swallow can't snort it. I always assumed that because that was the case that that was why it wasn't as potent as Adderall. I always just figured that it released into your system slower and so it wasn't as harsh on your receptors...when people take Adderall or smoke meth their receptors get really fired up you know? I always felt that since Vyvanse had to be swallowed that it didn't activate your receptors as harshly as the other I wrong there? If I am.... then yeah......maybe you guys are right and I just need to stop taking this crap. I was on Wellbutrin before, so if Im really desperate maybe I can just go back on that, although I'd rather just stay away from everything altogether. *sigh* These past 6 years have been the craziest years of my life. I can't imagine going through anything harder.
  15. One Word Status Update

  16. hi @ZayKayWill it sounds like you've been through some rough times, but by your own admission, you're basically at the peak of your life! you finished your education, have a career you're ready to start building and the government is basically paying you to sit around till your ready. take a moment to appreciate that your situation could be WAY WORSE had you never quit Adderall in the first place!! you've made REAL progress in 6 years, whether it feels like it or not. that being said.. to be fair (and accurate), you never really quit taking stimulants as Vyvanse is ultimately converted into the same underlying drug as Adderall (dextroamphetamine). it is the same exact drug, just a different time-release mechanism than Adderall XR. it sounds like you were able to control your usage of it relative to Adderall, but only you can know that for sure. I'm not saying this to invalidate your experiences of the past 6 years, but it could very easily explain why you still feel exactly the same - cause you never stopped taking it. on a more philosophical note, I get the sense that you're waiting around to "feel recovered", which I have always felt is a trap. it's my belief that "recovered" isn't a state of being. it's more of a realization you have after reflecting on a period of time. it happens as a result of accomplishing things, moving forward in your life, doing things you didn't think you could do. it sounds like you're already doing all those things!!! perhaps the real question here is why you can't allow yourself to be happy? it's very possible that you need to distance yourself from Vyvanse as well in order to truly answer this question. btw - glad you came back to share your story with us. please keep us posted (:
  17. Hey there! I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I think you came to the right place for help and support. This site has been a little slow lately, but there is a ton of good information which can be searched out on almost any subject. Whenever i got super low or depressed in the first year and half, I would look up 'timelines" or "depression" for brain fog...etc...always comforting to know I wasnt crazy.....this takes time. In reading your story, you emphasized the fact that its been 6 years since you quit adderall and you dont understanding why your not making progress. You also mentioned you never stopped taking the vyvvance. I think the vyvvance must be the problem. I am no doctor, and I only took adderall, but I always thought they were almost the same thing. So I cant imagine quitting one and not the other. Its almost been 2 years since I quit. At first I was completely sober for 18 months. Then I went on Wellbutrin for depression. I have been getting better and better since. I believe it takes two years for the brain to recover after any type of long term stimulant use. I dont think you will ever be ablet to find peace and recovery until you quit both. Any it also sounds like your doing benzos too. And that can also create long term withdrawl issues. Just giving my two cents. I pray for your recovery.
  18. I'm not going to lie I didn't even want to make this post because what I am going to say is going to sound so bizarre, but it's true. So, I quit Adderall back in 2015. I ended up going to rehab and all that stuff. It's been damn near 6 and a half years and I still feel like I'm still in the same place. My symptoms are all still pretty much the same. When I quit Adderall, the rehab ended up putting me on Wellbutrin 450mgs. Shortly after when I got back from rehab I saw a new psychiatrist since my old one retired. I told this new psychiatrist about how I went to rehab. However I was still on the long road to getting a Masters degree and so agreed that maybe something not as strong as Adderall would be appropriate. TBPH I was taking both Adderall AND Vyvanse. Adderall 20mgs and Vyvanse 40mgs. When I got back from rehab the doctor thought it would be okay to just give me Vyvanse and take me off the Wellbutrin. He put me on 70mgs. As of today I still take that, but I never take the full dosage. Usually I will pour as little as half or even a fourth of the pill into some water and go from there. I won't lie...I didn't really start doing that until fairly recently after I finished all my schooling, but I doctor said it was okay and I've known some people who were meth addicts that were put on Vyvanse to help them cope, so I figured maybe it would be okay if I did this as well. Now I'm just not so sure. It's been 6 and a half years since I went to rehab. I still have this weird strange bubble in my head. It literally feels like there's a giant bubble on the right side of my head. Not the left side. Just the right. Not a day goes by where I don't notice it. I think about it every day literally 24/7. Ever since getting out of rehab I had been obsessed with trying to do all the studies I had to do to finally obtain my Masters degree, which thankfully I did in November 2019. I haven't been working since COVID. I'm not sure if any of you guys are familiar with Quora. It's a website/App used to share knowledge. I had luckily found someone on there who is dealing with some drug problems who is INCREDIBLY knowledgeable on all the drug withdrawal affects from benzos, SSRIS, etc. Talking to him literally has been keeping me sane. I also have been reading some success stories on some other websites (BenzoBuddies, SurvivingAntidepressants etc). I once read a story of a guy who was on Benzos for literally only 5 years and it took him literally 12 YEARS to completely feel normal again. So I mean...I know time is on my side. And I do still have good days here and there....but most of my days are just awful. I can understand why it may take some people a long time to recover from stuff such as Benzos or SSRIs, but stimulants? Most people I know are fine after 2 years, although there has been some research of some meth addicts not feeling like themselves again until after 5 years. I'm not panicking too much. I still have days where I feel amazingly great and as if recovery is just around the corner, but as soon as I have those good days, the next few weeks or months will be bad before I even have another good day. It's just really scaring me how long this has been going on. I literally have not felt normal or myself for the past 6 and a half years after I quit the Adderall. I figured the Vyvanse would have been okay for me to take to ween myself off, but now I'm just not so sure...most people don't take this long to feel normal again so it just feels as if maybe I'm doing something wrong and using Vyvanse to ween down may not have been a good idea. The doctor said it would have been fine though..... *sigh* I know with time I will be fine especially if people doing more serious drugs such as benzos or SSRIs were able to recover after such a long time, but what in the literal fuck? 6 and a half years off and I still feel like I made damn near zero progress......most people when they get off meds they taper, so I figured that would have been the best thing for me to do rather than just cold turkey it, but now I just don't know. Please for the love of God don't tell me that there's no way that that's true. I can't handle it. I've gone to so many doctors and damn near none of them believe me. I'm not completely hopeless since I have been talking to that guy from Quora and I know how plastic the brain is and how good it is at recovering. Shit there are people who have had literal chunks of their fucking brain taken out yet they still were able to function at 100% somehow. The craziest thing about it too is that I was only taking the Adderall and Vyvanse every day for maybe just a year and a half. I was prescribed all kinds of ADHD meds since I was a kid...dexadrine, strattera, you name it. I never actually started taking it every day until I started working full time in June 2013 though. I know time does some amazing things, but still....6 and a half years and I still feel like I'm damn near in the same place. I'm really, really scared. I know for a fact that it's the drugs, too, btw. I know because I literally have had days where it felt like I was getting that same high that I used to get when I very first started taking the drugs....without actually taking the drug. I remember going inside a bar one day and literally out of nowhere I felt like I was super high on ecstasy or something. It was completely random. I didn't take any drugs or anything. It was just one of my very rare and 'incredibly INCREDIBLY high moments'. It was almost as if I was going to completely recover and all the symptoms would go away. Of course that didn't happen, though. Again I didn't want to make this post as to how alone I feel in this situation...but if it has been 6 and a half years and I still don't feel like I made much progress....probably I'm doing something wrong...........I just can't run away anymore. I literally am at the peak of my life. I have my Masters degree, will most likely have a great job aligned for me here soon enough, but I fucking am not even able to enjoy all the time I have to not even have to do anything because of COVID (I'm getting unemployment money). I even told the guy on Quora that I'm still taking Vyvanse and asked him if that could be impeding progress. He said it could be possible, but ultimately I shouldn't worry about it since I'm probably making progress regardless....but again...6 and a half fucking years. I'm going to be traveling to Turkey in the next month to see a friend and I really don't want to be all down and depressed about this when I go to visit her. Please help me...and thank you for reading.... Please do take what I just posted seriously. If not I'm immediately deleting this post and going back to the Quora guy for support. I only came on here because he figured maybe I could find some other stimulant users who are going through the same thing as I am.'s to hope.
  19. 4 Months Off Stimulant Medications

  20. welp

    How's the good fight going?
  21. huge step back at over a year clean

    YES my executive functioning skills were zero so i talked myself into "needing" it and to help with ADD. which is both true but i know that life with add off adderall has to be better. thank you for responding your story is giving me hope!
  22. huge step back at over a year clean

    being mad at yourself is a good sign!! anger is a great motivator - use it to get yourself back on track! something to keep in mind is that when you quit again this time, the withdrawal won't be nearly as bad as it was last year. speaking from relapse experience myself, you'll still get the acute lethargy for a couple of weeks, but with the right mindset you'll be right back to where you left off on your recovery journey. it's not too late to just pick up where you left off (:
  23. huge step back at over a year clean

    "adulting" reasonably well is about the best anyone can hope for, much less addicts great progress!!!!
  24. Coping Mechanisms

    ^^^ well said guys! you need to give yourself permission to heal in the beginning while you're in the worst of the detox and withdrawal until the "real you" is able to think clearly about things (:
  25. huge step back at over a year clean

    @dolssa I can relate to everything you are going through. At my 1 year clean mark, I still had 0 motivation and my executive functioning skills were nowhere to be found. While things improved in year 2, it personally me two years to start to feel like I can accomplish things. I am 40 years old with a wife and 2 small children and can say that after 2.5 years, I feel like I've made real progress. More laughing, decreasing anadonhia, executive functioning returning to pre adderall levels - I am not superman but I can generally "adult" reasonably well. It's worth sitting in the shit for another year - don't beat yourself up about doing nothing. Its worth it.
  26. welp

    If they told me adderall was harder to quit long term than heroin i would believe them. worst drug ever. fucking hell
  27. Eight Years

  28. huge step back at over a year clean

    welp... still havent been able to stop.. IM SO MAD AT MYSELF
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