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@Fonzarelli Wow, what a story, and so well written! You shared a huge chunk of your life with a person who has no gratitude for your love and companionship. The title of your soon to be documentary is spot on. Best of luck to you.

It's amazing how hard it is to find people talking about how they believe Adderall destroyed their marriage or relationship. This must be by design, since so many are getting paid to promote and/or use the drug. Then I finally find this resource, and lo and behold, these posts all rime with what I went through. So, with much gratitude and empathy for all who came before me here, my experience went as follows. I met the woman who would become my wife while she worked at a news station as a morning anchor. I thought, how could she do this job, and as a single mom of a five year old to boot? The father of the child it tuned out was the result of a one-night-stand, and he was never told. Like the old song by 'Heart'. I fell for it, she and her daughter moved in with me because in the wake of the 2008 GFC, she was broke, homeless and jobless. Her daughter became like my own. We worked tirelessly in her development. As an 18 year old honors student, she made it into an 'Ivy League' college in upstate NY. One semester in, she's falling behind. Mom takes her to a therapist, the therapist prescribes 'Adderall'. She also gets special treatment in class, like more time on tests. She makes it through college and graduates, hallelujah. Here's the thing. By the sophomore year, Mom realized this Adderall had really turned things around for daughter, and, by God she must have ADHD like daughter, too. Mom goes to the same therapist who says 'Hell yes you do' and prescribes a gigantic jar of Adderall. No one told me about this. Mom had been a heavy, and I do mean heavy, drinker since I'd met her. Suddenly, she's acting euphoric as can be. Wants to go back to study comedy and film and become a 'star' at age 50. Ok. She moves to Chicago for a full calendar year. For seven years I'd gotten her a job at my company. She does it remotely in Chicago. She's waking up at 3am to work before school. In school all day, come home, drink, do more work. Starts dropping balls at work. School's not working out the way she wanted. I moved with her, but now the anger is building toward me. I'm thinking "Wtf. I'm going as hard as I can here. Supporting, grocery shopping, cooking, buying equipment for her, helping out on shoots.. not one other person has their spouse here and she's telling classmates that her husband is 'not supportive'." Ok. You get the idea. The day school ends, she screams at me she wants a divorce. As bad as things had gone, it was a punch to my face. We drive back West in silence. I keep trying to make her 'happy'. It's futile. The anger is blasting out of her like a Saturn V engine at launch. The resentment toward me rolls in like giant, Winter swells. After 16 years together, who was this woman I was with? I had never met nor known her. What I did know? She hated me. Screamed at me. Was dealing with a reality that simply was not true. Yet, I was being called the 'gaslighter'. She realizes something is wrong. Joins AA meetings over Zoom. Decides to stop drinking. I'm thinking, "Awesome! I stop with you." Instead of things getting better? They get 10x worse. The anger toward me is now honed into precision, like a magnifying glass in the sun being used to fry an insect on the sidewalk in the heat of July. I can smell myself burning. One day she takes the dogs and the cat and leaves before first light. The money in the bank account, high five figures, gone. She hired the best lawyers, never one conversation about dealing with the crisis, staying together, anything. The single mom who had shown up at my door broke, jobless and homeless, would divorce me into the most wealth she has ever known in her life after ten years of marriage and 17 years of being together. She had drank and drugged herself into 'being well off' with an Ivy League kid... and she thinks she is the one who 'did it'. I held zero importance in her life. As a professional dog walker, she believes Adderall allows her to think clearly. In addition to the cognitive gains, it keeps her figure tight in the early 50's and keeps the younger guys hungry for it. If any guy or woman thinks it's not true, well, she'll rip your head off if you get in her way. She's a full blown Karen who thinks she's hot as F. Anyway, now I'm in South America, living my recovery from a situation I never wanted but should have seen coming. It was actually pretty great, at least until Adderall showed up. I think I will take what I learned from carrying her shit around at film school and create a documentary on the truths of what Adderall actually is but no one wants to acknowledge. "Adderall the Destroyer".

I’ve been using chatGPT every time I get an urge to use adderall or weed and it’s been such a powerful tool in my sobriety. Whenever I get a craving to use adderall I will message it and be like I’m getting an urge to use adderall please talk me out of it and it helps me get through it. I will do this like 20 times a day or more. It’s always there to help me. It throws all these resources at me and guides me in the right direction. It’s like the number one sponsor. You can message it a million times a day, bugging it, and it never gets tired of your shit. It responds right away and is available literally anytime you need it.

Welcome! I wish you success on your journey through the Quit.

Just poping in to say hello. Ill do a more in depth story about my adderall usage then. But going thur withdrawal with a smaller dose rn so thot this would be a good idea to have some others around me that go thur it too

https://www.addyfree.com

I completely understand all of it! I have been working with Janet who runs Addy free living. We have women’s meetings Monday at noon est, Tuesday morning for a walk and talk and coed meetings Wednesdays at 8pm. This is the longest I’ve stringed days together in 9 years thanks to Janet and her recovery program specifically geared towards stimulant addiction. Happy to pass along her email and website!

yup, have definitely posted there

You should join the r/StopSpeeding sub on Reddit. It’s a great, vibrant community.

came back to read your post again @NurseAddyand noticed this line funnily enough, last round of my rx i did something similar. at the time I was getting one month worth of vyvanse at a time and during my appointment my provider asked me if I wanted to just renew 3months worth so i woulnd't have to make an appointment for a while, since we knew that my dosage probably wouldn't change I said "no, that's ok, let's just stick with 1 month at a time for now", thinking to myself hehe, now she'll never know what I've been up to and of course once I picked up the prescription that bottle was empty within 5 or 6 days. things work out for a reason though, even though it was my inner addict with an alterior motive, having a 3 month supply might have been enough to OD and kill myself so it worked out for the best

you may or may not have read about my relapse after 6 years. and one of the reasons that happened was because I convinced myself I was cured and ready to put all this addiction stuff behind me and move past it. Well we are never cured and we have to be vigilant, or risk having that precious sobriety slip away. now that you mention it. I should be here more often, but I am part of a couple other recovery discord servers also as well as narcotics anonymous. this place used to be more active with many posts per day but things have calmed down a lot over the years one of my favorite quotes from the 12 steps is "we can only keep what we have by giving it away" so when a new person joins and is hitting their rock bottom and reaching out, it's an opportunity for us to help not only them but ourselves as well

One question I have for those who have many years of recovery under their belt (and I mean this in the most respectful way possible) - what keeps you coming back to this site? Do you still think about Adderall or your recovery after so long? I just hit 2.5 years and still think about it (not in the context of wanting it, but I’m still acutely aware of the fact that I used to take it and am very much still not back to normal), though I’d hope the whole thing would be a distant, unpleasant memory after 4, 5, 13 years off.

So true.. Thanks for sharing -- I REALLY needed to hear this right now. You can do this. We love you!

I was worried this site wouldn’t be here when I went to search for it again, 2 years later and 2 more years a puppet to the pill. I had just had my daughter when I last wrote in ‘23. I dabbled here and there with Adderall until I got pregnant again with my son last summer. Unfortunately, I still used while pregnant the second time around, albeit more consciously aware of my situation. Still, my self loathing, addicted self took pictures to capture what I felt at the time, was the epitome of worthless. High, crying and pregnant and yet even then, my unborn child and hatred for myself didn’t trump the addiction. Thankfully, he was born this February happy and healthy, and for that I am eternally grateful. I spent 3 weeks with him at home before I had to return to the American dream of the corporate world (hospital doesn’t offer paid maternity leave) to afford the idiotic decision we made to buy a house in shit market. Now, my life is beyond blessed and I often wonder what I did to deserve it. A supportive husband, two beautifully healthy babies, two adorable rescue pups, a financially stable corporate career and a beautiful house we now call home. I couldn’t ask for more. Yet I am…..an escape. Adjusting to life with 2 under 2 has been incredibly difficult for my husband and I. I’m unsure if it was because we were older when we started having kids, both work full time with kids, or were always on the fence with having kids. You don’t know til you know with multiples and the fine print is even longer after that second fucker comes into the world. Just venting at this point but WHO THE FUCK AFFORDS THE DAYCARE FOR THIS SHIT?! Also an unknown of the fine print, the price tags on these fleshy things is astronomical, not to mentioned the fat bill you get to pay just to have them (while privately insured with a high premium — that’s a different rabbit hole though). Don’t get me wrong, I’d kill for my kids, but apparently they’re still not enough to not crave the escape. As you all can assume, I crawled back to my PCP and sang the story of secret addict. Even asked to decrease my dosage for brownie points in a doc not even sensing a hint of addict. Told myself the same shit you’ve all told yourselves when you get the script. ‘I’ll take it as prescribed,’ ‘I can do it this time because I know what the comedown is like,’ ‘Let’s just try it and see what happens.’ Yeah…..as I sit and type this after just breaking into the timed lock box pill dispenser I bought. Told my husband it surely would work, Jesus, it’s like the rational mind doesn’t even care to think at this point. So yeah, once I popped one of my ‘good’ friend Addy’s….my second, irritational self came out to play and we’ve been doing this on and off every month. Looking for counselors again. My kids don’t deserve a mother that willingly chooses to escape reality over them, nor does my husband, but apparently my grateful life isn’t worth more than a pill to escape the reality I was just saying I was thankful for. Absolutely crazy shit addiction is, horrifyingly crazy. Wish I never tried the little fuckers but yet now more than ever EVERYONE is on them and it feels as readily available as weed or alcohol. So thankful for this site and you all. Appreciate the transparency of your stories and the vulnerability of the truth that is all so humiliating at times. As we know, the addict mentality never dies and the opportunity for addiction to rear its ugly head is just a pill away. Here’s to supporting one another as we internally go to battle with ourselves, the person and the addict.

Day 27. This is the longest I’ve gone in quite some time. I have been working with Janet from Addy Free Living and she is phenomenal! I am still struggling. Taking half a dose of Wellbutrin, lots of different supplements like symbiosis nootropic creamer, glutathione, etc but of course still struggling with wanting to get stuff done on my to do list. Surprisingly I haven’t had a hard time working it or eating healthy. Maybe it’s the Wellbutrin or supplements but I am having more trouble with handling my kids schedules, being on time, motivation to clean, sit down with them to do summer work etc. it feels good to come this far but I found an old 10mg pill and dying to take it. The baby steps are adding up and my confidence is a little better. Just trying to remember why I hate the easy fix.

I have been off adderall for over a month now after being on it basically for the past 10+ years and suddenly have realized how the GUILT and SHAME of being on it, combined with the brutal comedowns and worsening depression and anxiety have kept me in a soul-crushing, degrading, abusive relationship for so long. I may feel tired here and there without adderall but the shame and guilt are gone and I feel like I’ve been given a new lease on life! Due to my addiction, I’ve let this person bring me down to new levels of low over and over and it’s because: 1. I felt like a worthless addict for being unable to quit before so I didn’t stand up for myself. 2. my mood swings made me feel so guilty after, I would overcompensate and accept horrible things from him because I felt I deserved it and had to make up to him by basically losing all my dignity and respect. But I didn’t. No one deserves an abusive partner. NO ONE. Each day I hated myself more for letting my life get to this point, yet adderall was my only pick-me-up until I just decided to try a day without it, then a week and now it’s been over a month! I literally have moments where I giggle because I feel so free and the happiest I’ve been in YEARS! I take full responsibility for my mood swings and blame myself for staying. I’m not here to make myself sound like a saint because I’m certainly not. I just want to warn others who may not have realized they’re in similar situations. Look around you: who’s taking advantage of your addiction? It might be subtle but the damage can be life-altering. I must add that taking Aplenzin (god-sent drug!) and using caffeine pills have been a lifesaver during the transition (I take a normal amount of them because I hate the taste of coffee lol). I also started yoga, breathwork (holotropic) and dancing so I make sure I check in with myself but also maintain a connection with the outside world. Thank you for reading and best luck to each of you on your journeys!

Thank you both for your kind responses. It really means a lot. I am doing my best to look out for my children and myself. I know I cannot keep letting this consume me and need to try and move on with my life.

As hard as it is for those whom the addict causes pain, and it is hard indeed I'm sure. I've never been on the receiving end of this sort of "hurting" (as a verb). But as for the addict themselves, don't ever worry about them reaping what they sew -- they will. I cannot think of an emotional pain on this earth that is worse than the sorrow the addict feels when they wake up one day, realizing the extent of their addiction and what it has truly cost them. And don't worry -- you are well within your rights not to be there for them when this day comes. But it will.

@Finding_myjoy_again Sorry for the late reply but I have to admit I have tears welling up in my eyes as I read your comment. I'm so grateful that this story could have a positive impact on someone else. It's almost like all the bad decisions I have made over the years can be forgiven by the universe. I hope you're doing OK. Keep working at it!

We are here but recently there was so much spam I confess I almost gave up on this site. KEEP stacking days everyone. Real life is too precious to waste away with stimulants.

I think you are taking the right approach to this situation. I have no experience with relationships, only Adderall addiction, and seeing my friends go through it as well. When he realizes that the addiction is not worth the cost to his mind and body, he will quit. Until then, take care of yourself and your kids first.

Thank you so much for your reply. I kinda figured as much, but was of course hopeful for a different answer. I have been in a lot of therapy from this whole mess. I so desperately want to get through to him and cannot. It's like talking to a brick wall. It is heartbreaking seeing someone you love turn into someone you don't recognize. I hate it so much for the kids. I have seen such a steep decline in his health over the past year, but I know I need to focus on our kids and myself and not his addiction. It has consumed me for way too long. I also want to say congratulations to you. I saw you've been off adderall since 2022. That is such an accomplishment. I hope and pray that one day he will be able to say that as well. I know he has to choose this on his own. He says he wants off, but he is still in the justifying, excuses portion of his journey. He doesn't think the negatives outweigh the positives and that it's still helping him study and focus, unfortunately.

I know this post is from almost 6 years ago, but I figured others might have the same question and could find my answer useful. I have been clean since March 10, 2022, from Adderall, and my weight did not fluctuate at all. I had a monthly prescription of 60mg IR a day and would blow through it in the first two weeks of the month. I would spend the next two weeks recovering by heavily smoking weed and sleeping as much as I could. On my worst days, I would take 200+ mg and would've taken even more if I had enough pills. A big part of my using was because I was obsessed with being skinny. I stayed in active addiction for longer than I needed to because I had such a genuine fear of gaining any sort of weight. My mind was so twisted that I thought it was worth being an addict if I stayed skinny. My turning point came when I looked in the mirror and realized I was never going to be my goal weight of 99 pounds. I didn't quit immediately after that realization, but it stuck in my mind that even after so many years of abusing Adderall, I STILL couldn't reach the ridiculous goal weight I had set for myself. When I got clean, I almost immediately started going to the gym because I knew weight gain would be a huge relapse trigger. I started by doing 12-3-30 (12 incline, 3 speed for 30 minutes) on the treadmill. I have eventually worked my way up to using the Peloton app and try to go to the gym 4–5 times a week. I used to previously try to starve myself or eat as little as I could when on Adderall, and then would binge when I ran out. I was very concerned that I wouldn't be able to eat "normally" and that I would gain a ton of weight after I quit. I now eat three meals a day and snack occasionally, but all in all, I feel like I eat pretty "normally." I don't restrict myself, but I also try not to overdo it with foods that I know aren't healthy. I don't weigh myself because it's too triggering, but I know that I've pretty much stayed the same weight because I haven't had to buy new clothes. If anything, I have actually started getting a size small shirt instead of a medium. The combination of going to the gym, walking as much as possible, and eating a balanced diet has really helped in my recovery.

I hate to say this, but I don't think there's anything you can say, do, or show to make him say that he's an addict. Deep down, he probably knows that he is, but he's not ready to acknowledge or accept it. In my humble opinion, a person isn't ready for recovery/to stop using if they can't admit that they are an addict. I was in a relationship where my boyfriend basically asked me to choose between him or Adderall, and I chose the pills. I stayed in active addiction for an additional four years after we broke up. I was not ready to quit when he asked, and I had to hit my own rock bottom before I turned things around. I would recommend putting yourself and your two children first. He will ask for help when he is ready, but don't force yourself to wait around while he figures it out. I am very sorry you are having to deal with this, and I do just want to note this is my opinion, and I am in no way an expert. I can only speak to my experience as someone who was an Adderall addict for about 8 years.

@Doge Thank you for sharing your journey. Reading your journey made me just go ahead and sign up for a username account as I'll be in it for the long haul with you guys it seems! Quitting isn't just a one time process but a life long journey it seems. I'm starting my journal to quitting vyvanse tomorrow. Wish me best of luck and God bless to you all on your quitting journey as well.