one-day-at-a-time

An update-- today I am at 102 days. It's been a roller coaster. I am losing the weight (currently 24 lbs away from the weight I was when I stopped) and anticipate getting back to my starting weight in two months if things continue to go well. Right now I am looking for simple work and my largest struggles are brain fog (though this is improving), horrible anxiety, insomnia, being highly socially awkward to the point where I mess up a lot in conversation and say things that feel like they don't really fit at times, and low energy/fatigue. At times, I have been getting very frustrated because I want to be doing so much more than is possible right now at this stage of recovery. I want to be out of my parents house, working an adult job with my degree, out meeting people and dating and living a normal life and going out with friends and not living like this. I feel so behind everyone my own age right now and fat and dumb and socially awkward. It sucks but I knew this was coming when I stopped. I know it will be worth it in the end and I don't have another choice if I want to have a real future. I really regret having allowed myself to gain so much weight during the first couple months but I am trying to remember I won't be like this for much longer if I keep up my diet and exercise regimen. Cravings are strong but they pass. The weight gain does trigger some cravings especially as I come out of the fog more and more and look down at a totally different body than the one I used to inhabit. I also get really worried and panic at times that I screwed up my life irreparably, especially during the later stages (last two years) of my use where I started to abuse Adderall to get shit done and be up for days at a time (in the last year of my use). A lot of what seemed sane to me on the pill, especially in the later stages, was totally insane and I burned a lot of bridges. These memories of the horror of my life on the pill and the terrible mistakes I made continue to keep me sober. Also, I can say with confidence that I would not be sober from this pill today or even alive probably without these forums and I am eternally grateful they exist. No one in my life really understands what I am going through. I would have given up on ever having a life off of this drug if I did not know that my current cognitive deficits and symptoms were a normal part of PAWs and recovery from this drug. My writing skills are still not what they used to be on the Adderall but I hope someone benefits from me sharing my experience. While I am still very early in my recovery, I can say for sure that things are getting better. Slowly, but surely. You get to a point where you feel amazing sometimes and it all feels so worth it and so right. Right now I am not having one of those days/moments but they are powerful enough to keep me going during these dark hours and days. I hope this made sense and I am sorry if it did not. I have horrible brain fog writing this but wanted to put it out there.

Very true. I've been doing cold showers lately and it really does work. Highly recommend.

the only way out is through

not really and no I didn't have any trouble sleeping. Some nights I have struggled with anxiety and existential despair though which can keep me up. I definitely struggled with sleep on the Adderall though.

yah me too, I'm about to start a PHP rehab program personally and moving back in with my parents for a bit. Im trying to remember this will pass and I will recover.

Wow, 24 years is rough, but you can do it! Some advice- make sure you take L-Tyrosine supplements and eat a high-protein diet-- these are things I wish I would have done as soon as I quit but did not realize would help until I had been suffering for weeks. Did you quit cold turkey?

Thanks! Congrats to you as well. Indeed, it is hell right now but I know if I can get through this literally nothing ever could be this bad again for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think of suicide but I am trying to stay strong and just make it through each day. I keep thinking of people who I love, including myself, who I hurt while on this drug and it brings me to tears. This drug should not exist. Not sure why anyone thought it would be a good idea to give to a 13 year old girl (aka me 10 years ago). I mourn the place I could have been right now if it had not been for this drug. Each day is so dark right now. wish me luck

actually I think I figured it out. I've gained like 35 lbs over the last two months and this seems to be motivation enough to have self control. I was afraid to weigh earlier but yesterday did it and now I am very driven to lose this this weight as I feel awful. I think I just got confused.

I was on Adderall 30 mg and or Vyvanse 60mg for 10 years and went off of it after 2 months of tapering on November 27 2023. I'm really struggling with impulse control and wondering if this is normal at 7 weeks and when this will go away? I also have horrible anhedonia right now and generally feel horrible and have no energy. My menstrual cycles have totally stopped since I started tapering, with the exception of a one day period a little over a month ago. I am about to move in with my parents and taking a health leave from graduate school. I am looking for some online support if anyone is able to be here, I feel very alone and to say that each day is a struggle is an understatement.