I come here looking for support

[Mouten57]

Hi everyone. It's taken me a long time to really hold myself accountable for what's been happening, but I'm finally ready to go back my old self and I need your help.

Here's my story:

I started taking adderall about 1.5 years ago. It started off fairly innocent, I had taken it in college and liked the focus it gave me so I decided to go to the doctor to ask for a prescription. After several months of use I found myself taking more than prescribed, especially while drinking, because I became the social hero of the party (at least that's how I viewed myself). Each day I would take a little big more until finally I started to realize I was becoming addicted.

I began having a really hard time going to sleep, knowing the adderall was to blame yet still taking 20mg or more later in the evening. I was constantly late to work either because of oversleeping or I just didn't go to sleep at all. A few months ago I finally lost my job. Why? Because I was strung out until 5am and couldn't wake up until 12pm the next day.

But this still wasn't enough to make me quit. I realized what was going on and stopped for a while. I was tired but I eventually got over it and felt really good about myself for the first time in a long time. I actually got more done in a week off-adderall than many weeks on-adderall. I made many to-do lists while taking the medicine but something else usually grabbed my attention and held onto it like a noose. Yet, knowing this, I still had that feeling of "I could get so much done/life is better/ blah blah blah ...if I just took some adderall"

Same cycle occurs again, but this time I almost lost my girlfriend. One thing I've noticed from adderall is that it is impossible sometimes to just calm down and be yourself even if you're with the ones you love. My girlfriend and i have really been having a hard time because of my emotional instability(depression, insecurity, and irritability caused by adderall). While i felt (fake) happy since i was getting more done, the truth is i was very unproductive and very withdrawn socially. I was taking it for the high that came with each pill.

Tonight everything kind of came to a climax; I found myself arguing with my girlfriend and realizing that I was not acting like myself. To be more specific, I sort of heard myself speaking and realizing that what I was saying sounded like it was coming from a paranoid, self-loathing, pathetic version of myself. I got very very low tonight and if it weren't for my girlfriends patience I really don't know what could have happened. Lets just say I really didn't like myself tonight.

That was a few hours ago, and since then I've come home and flushed the bottle down the toilet. I'm ready for the next chapter in my life and I know it's not going to be easy but I can't go back to this stuff. I would love to hear any advice, any kind of comments, any help at all so I can beat this addiction FOR LIFE. I said earlier I haven't really been honest with myself lately, or with many people for that matter. I come here publicly seeking advice because I know that for me there is no other option but quitting.

Thank you all,

Matt

[quit-once]

Matt,

I appreciate your honesty and your sincere desire to quit. I believe all the pieces of the quitting puzzle are on your plate and all you need to do is put it together. There may be one more thing you need to do but I'll talk about that later.

To recap your story, adderall has done the following things to you:

It has changed your personality into something you are uncomfortable with and made you really not like yourself anymore.

It has cost you the ability to get even the most basic, important things done.

It has gotten you fired.

It has almost cost you a relationship, and you know it will if you do not quit.

It has become an addiction and an obsession that you could not control.

Could have been much worse for you considering you didn't mention any financial or legal or other relationship hardships. Still, in only a year and a half that 's a lot of damage to your life.

Here is the good news:

You have taken responsibility for your addiction and drug abuse behaviors.

You acknowledge that adderall has quit working for everything you first liked about the drug, and in fact it gets in your way of living a normal life.

You have had the experience of quitting so you know what to expect during withdrawls and early recovery.

You have had a relapse experience so you know what the results of using it again would be.

You have a girlfriend who I hope will support your Quit. Does she know about your addiction?

You know that your addiction is a lifetime affliction. No more stimulants for you, ever again.

You have disposed of your current supply of pills. Somehow you need to break a link in your drug supply chain so that in 2-3 weeks, when you are feeling like complete shit, there will not be an option of getting any more pills. If you do not want to admit your addiction to the doctor, then at least lie to him and report a wierd side effect or tell him you moved away or anyhing that will keep another prescription from coming your way. Since you have already relapsed once, you really need to do this.

I am glad you decided to quit - you really need to so you can get back to living a normal life without this awful addiction. Welcome to the forums and I wish you good luck during your recovery.