Workingthroughit

Going back on.

13 posts in this topic

So I posted on here about 7 months ago. I had been on adderall xr 20mg for about 6 years. I'm a lawyer at a decent sized firm, and routinely work 60 hours a week. I decided to quit for my health. At first it wasn't bad. Now I realize how much I really need it. My work has suffered incredibly. I can't focus. I start something, and without provocation, I'm on the Internet. I'm probably about two months or so away from getting fired. My billables are way down, and I can't work 15 hour days when needed. Hey, I gave it a shot, right?

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i dunno man, i'm a lawyer too. I'm right there with you. I was on 10-20mg a day for about 4.5-5 years.

 

Sept 1 will be 8 months for me. Its a real struggle.

 

I'm having a real hard time making sense of it all, but i've done SO MUCH research in the past 7+ months, that I truly don't believe that this is a drug you can take for the rest of your life.

 

I think there's a point where you have to pull the plug with adderall and say goodbye. I dunno. Thats just my 2cents.

 

I've been better than I was when I first quit, but man....its so hard to get anything done or have the motivation to do anything at all really.

 

I'm battling through on and off depression and on and off SERIOUS anxiety. Do you deal with any of that at all?

 

Honestly, if the world's best doctor told me i could go back on adderall and stay on it the rest of my life...i would.

 

i was using it as prescribed and never abused it. It saved my ass in law school and on the bar exam and keeps me focused and interested in so much of the mundane and boring and uninteresting shit that comes with being a lawyer.

 

I dunno man. I have such mixed feelings about it all.

 

In fact, a week ago I went to GNC just looking around at stuff and found this pre-workout supplement called CRAZE. it was bodybuilding.com's best seller in 2012 so i thought i'd give it a shot.

 

wouldnt you know....40 mins after taking it, i was AMPED.....it was a feeling all too familiar. with intense focus and motivation....i loved it so much that i went back and bought 2 more tubs of it.

 

After the third day of using it at the gym...feeling like superman and being really amped up....i realized this shit felt just like adderall. So i did a ton of research and found out the company is getting sued for lacing this supplement with none other than....an Amphetamine analog. I was ENRAGED.

 

I thought about keeping the supplements and finishing them...but then i thought...okay....i'm gonna get used to this amazing feeling and then 3 tubs later i'll run out...then what?

 

i pray to god that all this suffering of withdrawal is going to pay off one day when i just stabilize and balance out.

 

i've lost so much of my drive and passion for life...for food...for art....for music...for being with friends....its scaring the shit out of me to the point where i start thinking "hmm...maybe i should go back on the adderall"

 

but again, i just dont think you can stay on adderall long term. im trying to battle through this withdrawal. LilTEX and cassie give me a lot of hope.

 

I just hope quitting and all this suffering that came with quitting is worth this suffering.

 

CHIME IN EVERYONE.

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Just to give you some perspective, it took me 19 months of working at the job I hate off Adderall to finally quit it. It took that long for me to feel like I had the confidence to go on job interviews, let alone actually perform at a new job. I slacked off a ton at this job, while off Adderall, but eventually I got to the point where I actually wanted to challenge my brain and not just hang out at an easy job all day. So be careful what you wish for - a cushy job isn't necessarily what you want either. I think you probably want a balance of a job that's challenging but that doesn't suck your soul and eat up 60 hours a week. Am I right? Maybe you guys just don't like being lawyers and it wasn't the glamorous job you thought it would be? Speed sure made me feel better about a career I was pretending to like. But building a life atop that shaky foundation was no longer acceptable to me after 5 years.

 

I agree with Sebastian - you have to look at this long term (and seven months isn't that long). Do you want to be on Adderall for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, then you have to let go of the crutch sometime.

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Sebastians best quotes:

"I think there's a point where you have to pull the plug with adderall and say goodbye. I dunno. Thats just my 2cents.

 

Honestly, if the world's best doctor told me i could go back on adderall and stay on it the rest of my life...i would.

 

but again, i just dont think you can stay on adderall long term. im trying to battle through this withdrawal. LilTEX and cassie give me a lot of hope.

 

I just hope quitting and all this suffering that came with quitting is worth this suffering.

 

CHIME IN EVERYONE."

 

You have made some good points here, Sebastian. I framed my adderall addiction and quitting like knowing somebody who has died. Those years and times are forever behind me. Even though adderall will always be available, my relationship with that drug died when I quit taking the pills two years ago. And just like surviving the death of somebody you love, time has a way of making it less painful. I said goodbye and good riddance because I can look forward to a better life without a stupid drug to prop me up. Like Cassie said, It is a crutch. I know of nobody who would rather live the rest of their life on crutches when they could just throw away the crutches and get better. A lifetime on adderall results in Parkinsons disease and psychosis, among other ailments. Stick with your Quit, Sebastian. Time heals everything.

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I have the same feelings and thoughts as Workingthroughit and Sebastian.  This is not an easy road to hoe and I keep romanticizing the time that I was on Adderall.  This drug LIES!!!  Make a couple of lists and keep them on your person at all times:

 

List #1:  Major Accomplishments before and after Adderall

 

List #2:  Things I like about me when I am not taking Adderall.  It took quite a bit of introspection and reading other people's lists to figure out how I was really different off the meds.  I even had to discuss the list with my wife to help me figure out somethings, like being a better dad off them.

 

I find these two things very helpful on my bad days; but yeah, I am really sucking at work too lately.  Hopefully it's true what others have said and we are being harder than ourselves about work than the true reality of the matter, and that it will get better soon.

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Workingthroughit and Sebastian05 - I believe I'm having some of the same issues you are experiencing, except I'm a CPA not a lawyer.

 

I was on adderall for 10 years, through College, Grad School, CPA Exam, and the first 6 years or so of my career, which included working at large accounting firm for 60 hours a day. I'm not sure that I would have picked this profession if I wasn't on adderall, which is really scary. 

 

I got off of adderall on December 6th, so about 8 months ago. After switching doctors after a move, my new adderall Docotr was a Neurologist and after a year with him we decided that I needed to get off the medicine. He recommended that I see a psychoanalyst (therapist) to confirm that I actually had ADD. After much introspection it turns out that I'm just have an over achieving (type-a) personality and lacked the confidence in my abilities and was experiencing anxiety. Going and see a therapist helped me a lot, so that would be a one recommendation. 

 

You say you want to get back on adderall, why don't you try and find a really good Doctor to help you through this? 

 

Here are a few other experiences I have had off the medicine: 

 

Bad Experiences:

 

1) Tired / Lethargic - I wake up tired. Get through the day the best I can. I do not feel euphoric about doing accounting / finance spreadsheets - shocker. 

 

2) Will I ever be normal? Wow I've been on amphetamines for 10 years which I used to control/mask my emotions. Now I'm either depressed or overly happy. I feel so much more. 

 

3) Lack of patience. Taking pills to get shit done everyday for 10 years is a hard psychological hurdle to over come. Especially when you encounter success from taking the pill. This expectation of quick results we have formed in our subconscious is hard, especially when recovering.

 

4) Adderall Substitues - If your not self-aware it's really easy to find yourself replacing adderall with other things. For instance, too much alcohol, energy replacements, food. 

 

Now some good experiences: 

 

1) Accomplishing a big project on my own - I almost cried when I got positive feedback for a project I worked on. This is my life. 

 

2) Sleep and sex. Both better off adderall. 

 

3) Better connection with my wife. We take more openly and freely. She supports me getting off and is willing to financially support us if that's what it comes down to. 

 

4) Adderall is no longer then #1 thing in my life. All I would do is obsess about adderall. How much I had left, when my prescription was due, when I could take my next dose, etc. etc. 

 

5) Meeting people. I'm great with people off adderall. I'm relaxed, funny, charming, caring. On adderally, I would speak 5x as fast, had dry mouth and would steal the conversation. 

 

5) No more stupid adderall shopping. On adderall... all I wanted to do is research apple news and get excited about buying dump shit I didn't need. 

 

6) Getting off adderall also helped address some of the other drug related family problems going on in my life. 

 

7) I can feel big life events. No longer numb to weddings, funerals, real life conversations. 

 

Here are some questions I would ask myself before getting back on:

 

1) Would you let your kid take adderall? 

 

2) Is taking amphetamines for financial success more important than your actual relationship with your family? In my experiences my dad is a very successful executive, takes adderall, and is completely emotionally not there for his wife and the family. Would you be ashamed to tell your family what you believe to be the driver of your success?

 

3) What are your other vices related to adderall? I know 8 people who take adderall... and all of them do at least one of the following: heavily drink, tobacco, sleeping pills, etc. to take off the edge. 

 

Whatever happens, you both should be proud for coming to this forum and posting comments. I wish I never took adderall. It's so hard to come off of it. Therapy and this site helped alot. It wasn't cheap, but it was worth it. Keep us posted!

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These are all excellent points. Unfortunately, I took out a massive student loan to go to law school. I can't quit my job, and I cannot afford to be fired. I know going back on is harmful to my health, and I will die sooner. But I'd rather live a short life being happy and successful than go through what I've been going through.

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Feeling your pain man.  Every time I've got back on the train has been because of work.  From what I can remember it was always because:

  • I was working hard and not smart
  • way to critical of my performance compared to others
  • Didn't get my assistants to do their job assisting me.

 

  I was in advertising a pretty high energy, stressful and cut throat biz.  Looking back on it I did my best work when I was off the stuff but didn't have the confidence to realize it.  I'd go back on and would suddenly have some confidence in my abilities and my work.   

 

    The adderall got me fired eventually. So it was all for nothing 

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You can do without the Adderall, but it will take a ton of self discipline to get things done.  If that isn't an option then you should at least have an exit strategy to get off the pills eventually.

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hey just wondering if you did anything while off the addy to "recover"? cuz it's not just stopping taking adderall, you also have to do footwork and take action to evolve as a human, a person, and do things differently- not just abstain from taking adderall, but change your habits and life and get healthy.

 

Maybe now isn't the best time to stop, maybe you need to get back on again to see how it feels and if you like it, cuz in order to quit you really have to want to, not just know you should. If you didn't give it a 100% effort and actually research things you can do to alleviate ADD symptoms, or focus more, or have self control and not go on the internet etc etc etc maybe you should. maybe before throwing in the towel and fucking it all and taking adderall, maybe give it a real try and try to find another way. If you haven't, then maybe you should do that first....

 

whatup everyone, it's been a while............ :)

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Feeling your pain man.  Every time I've got back on the train has been because of work.  From what I can remember it was always because:

  • I was working hard and not smart
  • way to critical of my performance compared to others
  • Didn't get my assistants to do their job assisting me.

 

  I was in advertising a pretty high energy, stressful and cut throat biz.  Looking back on it I did my best work when I was off the stuff but didn't have the confidence to realize it.  I'd go back on and would suddenly have some confidence in my abilities and my work.   

 

    The adderall got me fired eventually. So it was all for nothing 

Great feedback in this thread.  I'm curious to know why the adderrall got you fired? 

 

I've been on adderrall for 1yr and a half and I notice my work performance has slacked, I'll wait to last minute to do things, cruise the net for personal use more and only get that extreme focus to get work stuff done in the morning after my first dose.

 

Lately it's making me focus on mundane things,

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Can you try some herbal remedies first? I think there is something called Adult Actives out there with DMAE, Gingko, and something else or two that helps my father and my half-brother who also has ADD. Just throwing it out there. What about a good meditation practice? I find that as long as I keep doing my yoga and my meditation that goes with it, I can stay focused the rest of my day a bit better. I still get off track, and I know it's a struggle when you really do have ADD. I know it is, but for me the Adderall is no longer an option. It caused me too many other problems and I am appreciating my creativity and my ability to actually move my ass and do things even if I am struggling to stay focused. But that's just me.

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Brandy, 

 

    My dismissal was complicated. Also I was never given a reason. From what I can tel  I really focused on paperwork and not a key client.  I really messed up the people and politics side of things. I was actually really good at my job, but I allowed people to take credit for my work and became a scape goat.  I worked in Advertising a very political world, filled with dishonest ego maniacs. I am glad my career in that industry is  over. It really is a unsustainable life.   

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