HAM

I miss adderall :(

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I've been off addreall for 8 months now.  and i miss it.  I miss being ready for anything.  I felt like i could do anything at anytime.  

I was walking in the park with a friend and I tried to get on the monkey bars after him but, no way! i wouldn't pull myself up an was totally humiliated.  I used to consider myself athletic and loved exercising when i was on adderall but now i feel weak.  I trained for, and ran a half marathon while taking adderall.  Now i can barely run 2 minutes without stopping.  

I feel like people liked me more when I was on adderall.  

Now i don't know what to do.  i wish i could go back in time.  When I took adderall as prescribed, I remember life being so much better, fulller, I had so many more interests and hobbies.  I felt as if i could learn or do anything if I applied myself.  Now i'm facing reality.  I don't have many interests or hobbies anymore.  I keep telling myself that addreall would solve my lackadaisicalness, my boredom, depression, and lackluster attitude.

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Unfortunately, you crossed over that line from use to abuse. It was a one-way ticket.

Welcome to addiction.

Taking stimulants "as prescribed" is no longer an option for you, HAM. I think you already know this.

I hope you can adapt, adjust and move forward with your life beyond adderall.

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HAM,

 

I read in your original post that you'd been on Adderall for 10 years. All I can say is that it's going to take a lot longer than 8 months to feel normal again, unfortunately. I get not having any interests or hobbies at that stage. I felt like that too. It's really just a waiting game on that front. You can't force yourself to be interested in things that you're not. Just let time pass. Would you really want to go through this quitting hell again if you relapsed? I highly doubt it. The first year sober is the roughest.

 

I used to work out way more on Adderall too. I would run 20 miles a week. Off Adderall? I fucking hate running and can't really do it, so I walk on the treadmill with an incline or ride a stationary bike, and walk my dogs outside. That's enough. Who is telling you that you need to run a half marathon? Exercise the way you can exercise now, not the way you did on speed, because you're not the same as you were on speed. 

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Ham,

 

I can relate so much to what you're saying.   I'm around 8 months clean too, almost 9, and I've been missing adderall a LOT.  I'm not about to go back on it or anything, it's just a long process of accepting that that 'secret weapon' is now gone.

 

To me, it's useful to acknowledge when I'm missing or craving it, and why, and then I can let those feelings go.  Thats pretty much what you're doing here, and I think it's pretty healthy.  And to be honest, I think I need to be doing this too.  So, I'm going to follow your example and stop being in denial.  I'm going to list the things I miss about adderall, because I can relate to a lot of your reasons too.   And then next to each one I'm going to let my sober brain respond.  In the process I'm going to try to talk myself out of missing it.

 

Because I think adderall might be lying to us right now, and I want to reveal its lies.

 

 

 

*TRIGGER WARNING*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things I miss about adderall, followed by responses from my sober brain:

 

 

-I REALLY miss that feeling of it FIRST KICKING IN after a good night's sleep, preferably after a couple days off.... mmmmmmmm and then getting sooo excited about whatever I had to do that day, about being alive.

That feeling stopped happening.  The feeling of adderall kicking in became dysphoric towards the end.  Or, I would just take it and feel normal and/or hollow.

 

-I miss that 'brainy feeling' I would get on adderall, especially while reading really hard books, the way the page would light up and everything would make sense and my brain could process it all so quickly and so intricately, it was almost like I was accessing another dimension--I felt like I understood things on a deeper level.

Yeah.  That 'brainy' feeling is gone forever. 

It can literally NEVER happen again because I crossed the line into addiction.

  It's just me and my plain brain now. 

But it was my brain the whole time and anyways, adderall is a neurotoxin. 

The brainy feeling was poisonous in the long run.

'Another dimension???' Yeah, it's called AMPHETAMINE PSYCHOSIS.

 

 

-I miss feeling enthusiastic and confident that I could take on the world...........with my 'secret weapon' in my bag all the time to give me that edge.   No matter how tired, underslept, overworked, etc. I was, I could always push it even harder, get up early if needed, down for whatever!   I miss that so much!

Uhhhh, why the hell would anyone miss a life of OCD, overwork, nothing ever being good enough, being constantly underslept, malnourished, and anxious????

 

 

-On adderall I could pretty much ALWAYS FIND INSPIRATION!!!

What the hell kind of inspiration is THAT?!?! 

In the long term, adderall removed my inspiration and I'm still trying to get it back. 

I WANT IT BACK.  WHICH IS WHY I WILL NEVER RELAPSE.

 

 

-I used to be better at doing more with each day.  I used to be able to kinda keep up.  I'm falling behind at work already and it's NOT a good time for that!!!!

I actually didn't get THAT much done with each day, I just FELT like I was. 

But in some respects, I must acknowledge that I WAS more able to keep up with work than I am now.

Was it worth it?

Was it worth ruining my life???? HELL NO.

 

 

-I miss being able to get crappy things done FAST.

OK, nothing much has really changed.  Crappy things deserve to get done as fast as possible.

That's why they're called CRAPPY.

 

 

-I miss being able to dull my emotions at the drop of a dime. I miss that 'I don't give a fuck, I've got more important things to think about' feeling I had on adderall.  I'm sick of being so sensitive now.  All these damn human emotions, I hate having to deal with them.

Yeah, well.  Being alive is never easy.

 

 

-I miss not needing to eat all the time.  I am SO HUNGRY all the time anymore!!!!!  It's really expensive, and annoying! 

YUMMMMM!!!!!!!  I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!!!

 

 

-In the early days, I was working out on adderall.  I trained for a triathalon on it.  I miss that boost.

For me, adderall led to a sedentary lifestyle in the end.

Now that I've gotten more into it, working out is a lot more fun, and healthier, off adderall. 

I can actually experience my runner's high now.  I would never give that up.

 

 

-I feel like I've lost some of my zest and enthusiasm for life.  I miss having lots of hobbies too.  I don't have as many anymore.  I've lost some of the pleasure I used to have in doing things I like and I'm kinda lacking in inspiration these days....... that certain something that drives me in life, that edge, or whatever.

Adderall is the culprit.  Adderall is what removed that genuine enthusiasm, that edge, that energy I used to have before I tried it.  Only time and healing will bring it back..... if it ever does come back.

 

 

-I think I was in some ways more social during my adderall days.  But ONLY when it was wearing off and I was going out drinking during the comedown.  I'm pretty antisocial lately.  I don't even make it a priority.  I'm a total hermit.

I was a socially anxious hermit on adderall, with little to no interest in being social.  THIS is a huge part of what I am working to heal.   Again, adderall was the problem, not the solution.

 

 

-I miss my ex, who was also my adderall buddy.  Adderall aside, we really loved each other and we had so much fun together.   :(

*Silence*

 

 

 

 

 

 

EDIT:  Maybe it's just a PAWS day but this DID NOT help me, at least not today.   The addict mind is currently winning this debate :/

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I don't miss cold hands, grinding my teeth bad breath, crashes, losing track of time, sleepless nights and horrible mornings. I just don't miss it.  I think its easy to just remember the good things about adderall and forget the really shitty parts.  PAWSy day here today I think I am going to go hide in a movie theater. PEACE

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WHY I DON'T MISS ADDERALL

 

I DO NOT miss being a SLAVE to my addiction. I do NOT miss spending every moment of my morning, day, and night being controlled by a substance that dictated every single thought, action, and re-action in my life.  I do not miss feeling like a whore to a drug. I remember the days and times I would call my friend to visit her, but really I would drive 45 minutes to go see her in hopes she'd give me an Adderall.  I remember the guilt and shame I felt from the night I drove all that way to get one and then slammed my car into a median. 

I DO NOT miss psychosis. I do not miss hearing voices that aren't there. I do not miss walking around the grocery store, mall, or anywhere in public for that matter worried sick that everyone around me can tell just how tweaked out I am and scrutinizing every move I make.

 

I DO NOT miss the internal awful feelings deep inside my soul that screamed how much of a failure I was for allowing a substance to control me in every way shape and form.

 

I DO NOT miss the amount of money I spent on all the other Adderall related issues like doctor's visits, binge drinking episodes, accident's, etc.

 

I DO NOT miss the ever growing need for more and more Adderall and that horrible scary feeling that I would run out soon and never have enough. 

 

I DO NOT miss the condemnation from friends for being addicted to a pill. 

 

I DO NOT miss feeling the guilt I felt for hurting the people around me knowing how worried sick I made everyone.

 

What I would miss more than anything if I relapsed?  I would miss the since of ACCOMPLISHMENT, VICTORY, PRIDE, CONFIDENCE, AND SELF RESPECT I have for myself knowing I BEAT THIS ADDICTION. 

 

Come on Ham - DON'T YOU GIVE UP!!!  

 

REPROGRAM YOUR THINKING

 

I miss Adderall, BUT I WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

I miss Adderall, but I am going to come out STRONGER IN THE END.

I can barely run two minutes without stopping, but tomorrow I am going to run 4 minutes WITHOUT ADDERALL.

This might be hard, but SO WHAT? I am STRONGER and I CAN handle it

I might feel stuck right now, but it's NOT FOREVER.  In recovery I can keep searching for answers and create A NEW LIFE fulfilling all my HOPES and DREAMS.  What doesn't kill me will make me STRONGER.

I will take this experience and use it to my advantage moving forward.  Knowing I overcame Adderall addiction, I can conquer ANYTHING.  I will be a better man for enduring this trial and it will make me into the person I was destined to be.  I am not going backward.  I have bigger PLANS and PURPOSE for my life.

 

YOU ARE A WINNER HAM.  YOU MADE IT THIS FAR.  KEEP GOING.  :)

 

Hugs!

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Thanks for that trigger warning, Occaisonal1.  I thought I was strong enough to read your post but I had to quit at #2.  I did read your last line about missing your X who was also your adderall buddy.  Is the relationship completely over?  If so, then you maybe you could put your adderall addiction and that relationship in the same box and file them away together somehow.

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I don't miss how adderall ruined my life! When i think about adderall, I think about a drug that ruined my life, turned me into a drug addict, and took years of my life away from me. You are only 8 months away. That was still very early in the process for me. I still get cravings for it, especially when im tackling a lengthy and boring school assignment, and wonder how much easier something might go if I popped it, but my rational mind will totally take over and put a quick halt to that thinking. This pill turned me into a drug addict, made me hit rock bottom and sent me into rehab!! The paws i CONTINUE to deal with today is a direct result of my mind getting entangled with that adderall poison. the more distance u get from it, the more i bet you will feel like 'what was I thinking?' So keep building that time distance and stay strong

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Ham,

 

I can relate so much to what you're saying.   I'm around 8 months clean too, almost 9, and I've been missing adderall a LOT.  I'm not about to go back on it or anything, it's just a long process of accepting that that 'secret weapon' is now gone.

 

To me, it's useful to acknowledge when I'm missing or craving it, and why, and then I can let those feelings go.  Thats pretty much what you're doing here, and I think it's pretty healthy.  And to be honest, I think I need to be doing this too.  So, I'm going to follow your example and stop being in denial.  I'm going to list the things I miss about adderall, because I can relate to a lot of your reasons too.   And then next to each one I'm going to let my sober brain respond.  In the process I'm going to try to talk myself out of missing it.

 

Because I think adderall might be lying to us right now, and I want to reveal its lies.

 

 

 

*TRIGGER WARNING*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things I miss about adderall, followed by responses from my sober brain:

 

 

-I REALLY miss that feeling of it FIRST KICKING IN after a good night's sleep, preferably after a couple days off.... mmmmmmmm and then getting sooo excited about whatever I had to do that day, about being alive.

That feeling stopped happening.  The feeling of adderall kicking in became dysphoric towards the end.  Or, I would just take it and feel normal and/or hollow.

 

-I miss that 'brainy feeling' I would get on adderall, especially while reading really hard books, the way the page would light up and everything would make sense and my brain could process it all so quickly and so intricately, it was almost like I was accessing another dimension--I felt like I understood things on a deeper level.

Yeah.  That 'brainy' feeling is gone forever. 

It can literally NEVER happen again because I crossed the line into addiction.

  It's just me and my plain brain now. 

But it was my brain the whole time and anyways, adderall is a neurotoxin. 

The brainy feeling was poisonous in the long run.

'Another dimension???' Yeah, it's called AMPHETAMINE PSYCHOSIS.

 

 

-I miss feeling enthusiastic and confident that I could take on the world...........with my 'secret weapon' in my bag all the time to give me that edge.   No matter how tired, underslept, overworked, etc. I was, I could always push it even harder, get up early if needed, down for whatever!   I miss that so much!

Uhhhh, why the hell would anyone miss a life of OCD, overwork, nothing ever being good enough, being constantly underslept, malnourished, and anxious????

 

 

-On adderall I could pretty much ALWAYS FIND INSPIRATION!!!

What the hell kind of inspiration is THAT?!?! 

In the long term, adderall removed my inspiration and I'm still trying to get it back. 

I WANT IT BACK.  WHICH IS WHY I WILL NEVER RELAPSE.

 

 

-I used to be better at doing more with each day.  I used to be able to kinda keep up.  I'm falling behind at work already and it's NOT a good time for that!!!!

I actually didn't get THAT much done with each day, I just FELT like I was. 

But in some respects, I must acknowledge that I WAS more able to keep up with work than I am now.

Was it worth it?

Was it worth ruining my life???? HELL NO.

 

 

-I miss being able to get crappy things done FAST.

OK, nothing much has really changed.  Crappy things deserve to get done as fast as possible.

That's why they're called CRAPPY.

 

 

-I miss being able to dull my emotions at the drop of a dime. I miss that 'I don't give a fuck, I've got more important things to think about' feeling I had on adderall.  I'm sick of being so sensitive now.  All these damn human emotions, I hate having to deal with them.

Yeah, well.  Being alive is never easy.

 

 

-I miss not needing to eat all the time.  I am SO HUNGRY all the time anymore!!!!!  It's really expensive, and annoying! 

YUMMMMM!!!!!!!  I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!!!

 

 

-In the early days, I was working out on adderall.  I trained for a triathalon on it.  I miss that boost.

For me, adderall led to a sedentary lifestyle in the end.

Now that I've gotten more into it, working out is a lot more fun, and healthier, off adderall. 

I can actually experience my runner's high now.  I would never give that up.

 

 

-I feel like I've lost some of my zest and enthusiasm for life.  I miss having lots of hobbies too.  I don't have as many anymore.  I've lost some of the pleasure I used to have in doing things I like and I'm kinda lacking in inspiration these days....... that certain something that drives me in life, that edge, or whatever.

Adderall is the culprit.  Adderall is what removed that genuine enthusiasm, that edge, that energy I used to have before I tried it.  Only time and healing will bring it back..... if it ever does come back.

 

 

-I think I was in some ways more social during my adderall days.  But ONLY when it was wearing off and I was going out drinking during the comedown.  I'm pretty antisocial lately.  I don't even make it a priority.  I'm a total hermit.

I was a socially anxious hermit on adderall, with little to no interest in being social.  THIS is a huge part of what I am working to heal.   Again, adderall was the problem, not the solution.

 

 

-I miss my ex, who was also my adderall buddy.  Adderall aside, we really loved each other and we had so much fun together.   :(

*Silence*

 

 

 

 

 

 

EDIT:  Maybe it's just a PAWS day but this DID NOT help me, at least not today.   The addict mind is currently winning this debate :/

That was a classic post, I'm copying and pasting this one

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HAM, I am right there with you man.  I struggle with these feelings a lot and I am just short of 8 mos.  Everything that you said is exactly what I was thinking a week ago Friday and it is a tough thing to shake.  My brain knows that these statements are a lie but my body wants a fix.  This is not an easy time for us because we are starting to romanticize our time with the drug and our lives are getting somewhat back to normal so we conveniently forget how things really were in our moments of weakness.  Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight!

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HAM!  I really hope you didn't relapse!

 

I'm still clean, 11 months now already, and still missing adderall.  It went away for awhile but now it's back.  The stakes are really high right now and I feel like I'm always behind on everything this semester.   I'm having a lot of trouble getting/keeping it together.   For the most part I'm still doing the bare minimum work-wise.  On adderall I was so much better at getting a lot done.  Not always more efficient, but at least could get through so much more than I do now.  I was a lot better at waking up early to get shit done.  And staying up late, and capitalizing on blocks of free time to get shit done.  I'm pretty inefficient these days.  And I'm really scared of messing up my career.

 

Last night, buried alive in a pile of work, I had a moment where I regretted not seizing my relapse opportunities last semester.      I started thinking, damn if I had seized those opportunities I could still be taking adderall.   :(

 

Whenever I see people with prescription bottles, like in the library etc, I immediately notice.  Of all the things in the world I could notice, pill bottles are at the top of the list.   I immediately wonder what's in there, assume it's probably adderall, and I start thinking of ways I could get my hands on some.  :/

 

There are places I avoid as much as possible because they remind me of being on adderall and I miss it too much.  (Too bad my WHOLE DAMN WORKPLACE falls under that category.)

 

If someone offered me adderall right now, I can't say that I wouldn't take it.

 

Will these feelings ever stop?

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Wow. I couldn't get through #2. That was fucking rough. When I saw the bold letters saying trigger warning, I started skipping words to get to it faster. Mistake.

@lilatex great reply. My heart is still racing but your response centered me a bit.

@quitonce that is so hard to accept: that because I crossed the line from taking it as prescribed I can never take it again. I fought that knowledge for years. I'm still not happy about accepting that. I am still trying to accept it. I can't wait until today is over. Damn.

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Yeah, I was worried about you Occasional1 with your heavy workload, thesis...the Holidays and more stresses. All I can say it that I don't think you would be happy with youself if you didn't make it to a year and maybe a little more to make gains that are claimed by everyone who makes it that long. You are on the cusp. Ham probably didn't make it since he hasn't posted or logged on since September 22, 2013, when he let it be known his doubting thoughts on taking Adderall.

 

There are many that try, but only a few who make it to sobriety and keep it. I know of only one way to do this: take only one day at a time. Your urges will pass, I am certain of that. You may get urges again and you will pass through them. My sister still gets cravings for cigarettes after being quit for 15 years, but she doesn't smoke. Your cravings will lose power over time, even though they may still occur. I am certain that you can endure them. Be my guiding light, please.

 

@AmyQ - I think you know in your heart that you have already crossed the line and there is no going back. You have to come to this conclusion yourself from your own experience using your own intuition.You have to know it at a gut level, or live with the risk of taking just one pill casually from someone who offers it to you.

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Someone could try to force a pill down my throat and I would kick their ass. There is no way I will ever take adderall. Wow I'm thankful that I can say that. Yes, there are some things that I do miss about adderall but if I went down that road again I would miss about a million things about being adderall-free. Don't let your cravings trick you. Everyone needs to realize that if they go back to adderall they will be right back where they started addiction wise and will ruin all their hard earned work of staying quit! Nobody should expect to be fully recovered at 8 or 11 months. No fricken way. It takes time to get over this addiction and it takes time to get adjusted to living without it, don't give up! Every single one of us is more than capable of doing everything that we ever dreamed of WITHOUT adderall. You just have to trust it.

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Thanks blesbro. I've been struggling lately with my new project. Just getting started seems to be impossible. I know once I get going things will come into play its just getting going. I've been thinking about Adderall and Concerta a lot lately.  But I am more than capable of doing this project. This project is a blessing and can open many doors for me. I need to bring it HTFU .

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Motivation and productivity have been slow to return for me too.  In fact, I still struggle getting started on the big important tasks, and it seems like the more the work matters the harder it is to get started on it.  It is like everything else in recovery, it just gradually gets better or you notice your shortcomings a little less with passing time.

 

I really haven't "craved" Adderall since I quit because I was so glad to be done with that shit.  If I find myself in the same room with others using stimulants, I will leave the room. (and I have done this)  If I ever found a pill I would flush that fucker so quick.....because I may have an irrational impulsive urge to pop it just because it is there.   Amazing that I have never found a wayward pill anywhere.  I am anti-Adderall but I could still be tempted by other stimulants, so I must always remain vigilant.  Thank God my addiction ran its full course and I grew to hate the drug I once worshiped.  I will always be aware that I cannot have even one pill without the return of the addiction.

 

I view my relationship with Adderall just as I would view a relationship with an ex girlfriend whom I will never see again (she left the country), of as a dead loved one or pet who is never coming back.  Dead is dead and life is for living.  A drug or alcohol addiction is not living - it is a miserable existence. 

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Thanks blesbro. I've been struggling lately with my new project. Just getting started seems to be impossible. I know once I get going things will come into play its just getting going. I've been thinking about Adderall and Concerta a lot lately.  But I am more than capable of doing this project. This project is a blessing and can open many doors for me. I need to bring it HTFU .

 

Anytime man. I know exactly what you mean. I'm still doing the same shit with my school work. The thing is I know I wasn't like this before adderall so I have strong faith that I will get back to where I used to be over time. Doctors say 100% recovery is possible. Even if they said it wasn't, I wouldn't believe it because whether you think you can or you think you can't you're right. People that fail in their quit after 8+ months probably just lost faith that they would recover. Or they had a slip up which ended in a full-blown relapse. Either way, fully trusting that recovery will happen doesn't leave any room for doubt. Good luck with your project! Once you get rolling on it you'll be like an unstoppable freight train. The hard part is getting rolling.

 

 

Like quit-once said, I seriously despise adderall. I used to treat it like it was god in pill form. Until I realized how wrong I was.

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I really can't go back. I was such on colossal fuck up on Adderall. I lost so much so fast,  doing Adderall was very costly to me.  I  was dependent /not addicted to Concerta and didn't abuse it until I started taking Adderall usually when I was out of Adderall.   I really have no desire for both.  It felt like I broke my brain using Adderall the first few months of early recovery were confusing, sad and very unpleasant. I don't know if I could survive a relapse.  

 

Staying on task and managing a small business is what I struggle with now.   I want to be able to slip into hyperfocus more regularly is what I crave.   Web development is frustrating because there are so many elements so many variables,libraries, multiple contractors.  Launching a website is better than sex because 3 months of frustration comes together. 

 

In a old post Mike made reference to need to practice doing things over in over  again, I guess homework websites are no different from building muscle. Reps and more reps.  These are things I struggled with prior to Adderall.  Probably why I did it in the 1st place. Plodding forward,work hard,sleep well, exercise, laugh, meditate, hydrate, eat well,green tea and repeat.

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