zoog1212

In need of support

21 posts in this topic

Im 23 years old and have been dependent and addicted to adderall ever since I tried it my freshman year of college. I found a doctor who wrote me a prescription and have abused it ever since. I graduated last May and have told myself ever since that I wouldn't take adderall anymore because it was just to get through school. I figured I would stop after because I was taking a year off and I wouldn't have to rely on taking it everyday, so I would tell myself its fine you're stopping soon anyways under the most ideal conditions with no work or responsibilities. Its a year later and I take the same amount I was taking in school and I do way less with my day. I always make excuses to not stop taking it because I may need it or I'm never going to finish what I am doing. I feel like I need it just to get out of bed in the morning and enjoy life. I secretly hate it but I cant stop it, even when the thought of taking one makes me nauseous in the morning (because I took so much of it the day before) I cant seem to stop myself because I need them to make my day standable. Everytime I go to flush them down the toilet I always talk myself out of it. I have no idea what career I want to pursue because I feel like the adderall just makes me content with my life as boring as it is in reality. I hate it but I am so scared to be without it because of what I am not going to be able to accomplish. I hate the feeling of having to rely on it, it just makes everything so much better. Come 2 months I am moving to a new city to look for a real job and feel like I cant keep living like this or I wont even be able to hold a real job. I just dont know how to quit it, because what if I do end up needed them. I get hysterical every time I think about it because I actually really want to quit and just be the person 4 years ago who got into college without ever touching adderall. I am really in need of some support, encouragement to quit and some tips! please and thank you so much.

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I do way less with my day. I always make excuses to not stop taking it because I may need it or I'm never going to finish what I am doing. I feel like I need it just to get out of bed in the morning and enjoy life. I secretly hate it but I cant stop it, even when the thought of taking one makes me nauseous in the morning (because I took so much of it the day before) I cant seem to stop myself because I need them to make my day standable. Everytime I go to flush them down the toilet I always talk myself out of it. I have no idea what career I want to pursue because I feel like the adderall just makes me content with my life as boring as it is in reality. I hate it but I am so scared to be without it because of what I am not going to be able to accomplish. I hate the feeling of having to rely on it, it just makes everything so much better.

Adderall's job is to make the crappy and mundane things palatable. You just listed a bunch of things that are horrible about taking it and then you say that it makes everything better. This stuff is a powerful liar, isn't it? Read all of the articles that Mike has posted on this site and use them to plan your quit. Consider joining the 30 day challenge and post daily or even hourly if necessary. We will support you through the process. Welcome to the forum!

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I was in a very similar situation. I didn't start until sophomore year of college, and by senior year I couldn't imagine life without it. I felt like I was at my worst though about 6 months after I graduated. I think the transition from college to being part of the "real world" can be one of the hardest times of a person's life. I moved to a new city as well, and I was not prepared for how long and stressful searching for a job was going to be. I also felt really depressed because I never saw my friends anymore, who I used to see everyday while in college. Because I was at such an unstable time in my life, I felt more dependent on adderall than ever, but I didn't know that the adderall was most likely making my depression even worse. 

 

The following summer I went on vacation with my family, and I decided to take that opportunity to try to not take any adderall. It wasn't easy at first, but I was in an environment where I didn't feel the pressure of job hunting, and didn't feel guilty about spending a lot of time resting. After that I stayed off adderall for almost a year, and felt great about it. Unfortunately, I have relapsed, but I'm at a point where I only take it a few times a week, and since I know I'm capable of quitting I don't have that fear that I won't be able to function without it.

 

My story is probably not the most helpful, but I guess my point is that you're not alone, and you're at an especially difficult time in your life, so try not to be too hard on yourself. If you have a few days where you don't have anything planned, maybe try seeing what happens if you don't take any adderall. Also, don't worry too much about not being able to hold a job without being on adderall. I have found that it's actually easier for me to get through the day without adderall if I'm working, but on the weekends I have nothing motivating me to get out of bed (which is why I relapsed). 

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Hi Zoog,

 

I have to start working soon so I have to make this short.  If only I could've been your age when I quit.  I started around that time and then wasted 5 years of my life being addicted to it.  Do yourself a giant favor and quit now while you're young and have the rest of your life to pursue a career and any dream you are passionate about without it.  It will be better to start your career Adderall free so you don't ever have to go back comparing what it was like to be on Adderall working vs. not working.

 

Take a year or however long you need to detox and get clean.  Get healthy and carve a new life for yourself without it.  You will thank yourself 10 years from now you did not stay stuck trapped in addiction to some evil little pill.  You CAN do this.  Just be gentle with yourself and lean on us for support. We've been there, we know what it's like, and we can help motivate you to stay clean.

 

Hugs my friend!

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I'm still on Adderall right now so I can empathize with the way you feel. I have no idea what my "true" interests are, what path I want to pursue, or what I'm capable of.  

 

On Adderall I built up everything around me. I built and built, senselessly, without questioning why or what for, until I suddenly realized I was enclosed, trapped in an empty space that I truly do not fit within. Without Adderall I can't keep "building" on what I already have, but I think that's for a valuable reason- it's not me. I know I have to start over, without Adderall, and it's kind of scary but also really exciting. 

 

You're in a place where you don't know what you want, but you do know what you don't want, and that's your life on Adderall. If you cut the Adderall out of your life now, you're already one step closer to figuring out what you want. You stuck through school, you made it through, despite how difficult it probably was. You finished what you started, and you're totally capable of that. Why not take a chance now, stick it out through the detox, start building anew while you have these few months? 

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I was in a very similar situation. I didn't start until sophomore year of college, and by senior year I couldn't imagine life without it. I felt like I was at my worst though about 6 months after I graduated. I think the transition from college to being part of the "real world" can be one of the hardest times of a person's life. I moved to a new city as well, and I was not prepared for how long and stressful searching for a job was going to be. I also felt really depressed because I never saw my friends anymore, who I used to see everyday while in college. Because I was at such an unstable time in my life, I felt more dependent on adderall than ever, but I didn't know that the adderall was most likely making my depression even worse. 

 

The following summer I went on vacation with my family, and I decided to take that opportunity to try to not take any adderall. It wasn't easy at first, but I was in an environment where I didn't feel the pressure of job hunting, and didn't feel guilty about spending a lot of time resting. After that I stayed off adderall for almost a year, and felt great about it. Unfortunately, I have relapsed, but I'm at a point where I only take it a few times a week, and since I know I'm capable of quitting I don't have that fear that I won't be able to function without it.

 

My story is probably not the most helpful, but I guess my point is that you're not alone, and you're at an especially difficult time in your life, so try not to be too hard on yourself. If you have a few days where you don't have anything planned, maybe try seeing what happens if you don't take any adderall. Also, don't worry too much about not being able to hold a job without being on adderall. I have found that it's actually easier for me to get through the day without adderall if I'm working, but on the weekends I have nothing motivating me to get out of bed (which is why I relapsed). 

 

 

Were you abusing it (exceeding the dosage) when using it on a regular basis? I ask because based on the experiences most people relate, I would say that it is unusual to then quit for almost 1 year and then go back to using occasionally. I'm just curious, thanks

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thanks for the support everyone .. I flushed the pills down the toilet last night... your responses and feedback made Day 1 of quitting a little more bearable. It really sucked but I'm feeling hopeful... it really helps that you all take the time out to care.

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Whoooo hooooooooo Zoog1212!!!!!   You just took the hardest step.  Piece of cake from here.  ;)

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Way to go, you just made a step toward ensuring your success!  Take everything in stride for the next bit and rest as much as possible because your body needs to start healing itself.

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Adderall's job is to make the crappy and mundane things palatable. You just listed a bunch of things that are horrible about taking it and then you say that it makes everything better. This stuff is a powerful liar, isn't it? Read all of the articles that Mike has posted on this site and use them to plan your quit. Consider joining the 30 day challenge and post daily or even hourly if necessary. We will support you through the process. Welcome to the forum!

I'm on a binge right now. It really is a fucking liar, promising all these things without consequence. It's hard to realize how much it takes from you with all these promises. No such thing as a free lunch right?

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And you have to pay the tab that you run up when you are in recovery; how much of a vig are your willing to pay?

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I'm only on day 3 but I've been waking up crying the last two (which I know mood swings are expected) and it takes everything out of me literally to do anything for example I forced myself to go to Target with my mom yesterday and had to ask her to leave because after only 30-45 minutes of standing I would loose my breath... while this sometimes happened to me on adderall when I would take highly excessive amounts some days I wasn't expecting it off of adderall  has anyone else experienced this or have any advice? I know Im expected not to have energy but does it take away your breath etc too?

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Yes, I think your body can just be worn out for a bit -- it'll improve, don't worry! Our brains learn to overcompensate for the overstimulation that stimulants induce in our bodies, so when we go off the stims, the brain is still in the mode of throwing water (so to speak) on the overstimulation, even though it's no longer happening because of the drug. That, plus general exhaustion of actually having an overstimulated system, can do all kinds of fun stuff to energy levels and physical reactions. I'm not a doctor, and if you're really concerned you might ask one, but may of those symptoms have gotten better for me over time. 

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I'm only on day 3 but I've been waking up crying the last two (which I know mood swings are expected) and it takes everything out of me literally to do anything for example I forced myself to go to Target with my mom yesterday and had to ask her to leave because after only 30-45 minutes of standing I would loose my breath... while this sometimes happened to me on adderall when I would take highly excessive amounts some days I wasn't expecting it off of adderall  has anyone else experienced this or have any advice? I know Im expected not to have energy but does it take away your breath etc too?

 

That sounds like it would be normal to me. It sounds like you are having anxiety from not being on adderall. I would feel a lot of anxiety not being on adderall when I went to stores and stuff as well. 

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So today is going to be Day 6  of my 30 day challenge although its difficult today in particular because today is the day that I am allowed to renew my script and I am SOO tempted... I keep telling myself no but theres a voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me to do it because I could only take one a week and get my work done and it would be so much easier... I really am trying not too but Im scarred I am going to cave in.. and fill it "just to have it"

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If you are really serious about quitting, you won't refill your script and you will call your doctor and tell him will no longer be needing it.  If you have abused it in the past, what makes you think this time will be any different?  If quitting was easy, this web site would not exist.  THIS is your time to be strong and resist!

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Zool,

 

You are doing soooo good!  Make a list of all the reasons you are quitting. Think about the long term repercussions of staying addicted to this pill the rest of your life vs the short term suckiness of quitting.  It will get easier the longer you are off it.  Right now it sucks!  But muster through it and do whatever it takes to make your life easy and enjoyable right now. Go see a movie.  Do something you enjoy and keep reminding yourself how much better off you'll be 20 - 30 years from now without a wicked addiction that makes you feel bad about yourself.  Think about the pride and joy you feel from resisting and how great it feels to be quitting.  You will disappointed with yourself if you go back on them again. No amount of Adderall is going to take away that nagging crappy feeling in your soul that knows you are an addict and falling back into the trap. The "beast" of your addictive voice is rearing it's ugly head right now and try to deceive you in every way shape and form to go back.  It wants to destroy you. Remember that. You have to be strong my friend and resist.  You will feel so much better about yourself in the end.  Don't let it win or steal your inner joy!

 

You CAN do this!  Hugs!

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@Krax, I wasn't taking a higher dosage than I was prescribed, but I guess I was abusing it in the sense that I went to my doctor with the intention of getting an adderall prescription, and if I ever needed a higher dose I would just say it's not as affective anymore.  

 

@zoog I'm about to be in the same boat as you. I'm going to try quitting for the 3rd time. I didn't have it in me to flush my remaining pills down the toilet... that was really courageous of you. I am down to my last pill though, and I'm hoping it will be the last one I take. I can tell you from experience though, renewing your prescription "just to have them" is only going to lead to relapse. Last time I tried to quit I wanted to keep some just to have, and I wrapped the bottle up in a million layers of paper and tape and locked it in a box and hid it out of sight, hoping if I ever craved it I wouldn't want to go through all the trouble to dig the bottle back out. Of course, less than a week after that the only thing I could get motivated for was unwrapping the giant wad of paper I made with the nice adderally center :(

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Hey zoog!

Just wondering how things are going for you so far? I read your post about a month ago whenever you first posted it and found so much in common with my own situation. I guess I didn't reply sooner because I don't even know where to begin. Everything you said is exactly how I have been feeling, for basically the same amount of time. I'm also 23 just finished up college, no real idea about what kind of career I should pursue, etc, etc.. And of course the adderall. I've been using and abusing it starting around the same time in college and have been in the vicious cycle ever since. Anyway, let me know how things have been going! Feel free to direct message me too, I think we have a lot to relate to each other !

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Zoog,

Sounds EXACTLY like my story. Jump in the 30d challenge board. I'm about to wrap up my 30days clean and I can say that the board helped me a lot. Especially thru those first couple weeks. Don't worry, you will return to your normal self faster than you think. I'm about 3 weeks into the quitting process and am amazed at how easy it has become since those first 2 weeks passed. Hope to see you in the 30d challenge soon.

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Oh and calling your dr is a must. I did that before I started the 30d challenge and it's nice knowing the meds are not there for easy access

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