2 Week Progress

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I don't know why but I just felt the need for this post. Second thought, I know exactly why I am writing this post... I was cleaning my room tonight and organizing (adderall free, promise!) and I stumbled upon the 5 spiral notebooks (yes, FIVE) that I would use to write while on adderall. Keep in mind, as some already know, I was abusing up to 250mg in a day, gradually going from 20mg a day to that over the course of 2-3 years. I was reading a note I wrote to myself a while back that i put in my dresser so I would read it (totally forgot I put these letters to myself all around my room to motivate sobriety) and it wasn't until tonight I really sat down and flipped through these journals and letters. It's kind of like in a horror movie when someone goes into a house that obviously is haunted, we scream STOP DON'T GO IN THERE STUPID, and honestly that's exactly what it was like reading these posts. Part of me wants to post them it's so depressing, to me at least. I can just feel the desperation in every entry, every new one getting worse than the last. I'd always write an "update" when I got my refill and it was so fucking obvious how oblivious I was to the pattern of behavior I was trapped in. I felt bad reading myself go through that. I was bullshitting myself so much, saying how this new refill was going to be different (I claimed I had learned my lesson and was trying to taper down.. only to fail miserably). 

Anyways, I just wanted to get this experience off my chest. It was pretty cathartic to be reminded how delusional this drug eventually made me and flawed my thinking became after abusing it. It's kinda funny (lack of better word) to see how hopeful I am at the beginning (of the journals and when I get the refills) only to decline over that week and feeling so hopeless. I am just two weeks into my sobriety, but it's surprising to me how I actually had the drive for cleaning and sorting my room. And overall the first few days off adderall weren't too bad and I'm actually starting to feel like myself again. I fucking love it. Especially because I know that i don't have access to anymore adderall, so this happiness and drive I feel is genuine for once. 

I feel bad if I just post bragging about feeling good off adderall when there's so many others that from what I read, are in similar situations to me. My advice? Although I am early in my sobriety and might not be experienced enough to give it yet, if I could give one piece of advice it would be to cut ties from your adderall/amphetamine supply. Simple as that. Personally I did that by telling a new psych I wanted off adderall (not many details given to him cause he didn't care much lol). I would also recommend not substituting another drug for adderall immediately. Give yourself a good week or so to naturally come off the drug. I was supposed to take Prozac but as some of you know I didn't. I haven't taken anything besides L-Tyrosine a few days in my first week and L-Theanine (which I usually take daily anyways). Just my two cents. If you are even just thinking about quitting and are anything like me, do yourself a favor and so it asap. Don't wait for the summer, don't wait for your next refill. Just do it. Start your life. Let yourself enjoy the summertime! 

Thanks for reading :)


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