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mj1359

i told docs i was abusing addy and they put me back on it

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I have been on adderrall for years and overtime dealt with a ridiculous degree of side effects. The medication worked so well for me but prevented me from getting sufficient sleep. I don’t know where things took a turn for the worse exactly…to make a long story short I began taking more than my 60mg a day dosage. I mostly did this to avoid having to deal with a mind blowing breakup -and to keep going. In turn, I began throwing myself into my work and I got addicted to it – both my work and adderrall. I had my fallout months here and there where I would take a month or two off and reset myself. Then I was prescribed klonopin for anxiety. The combo of the two led to complete destruction. I’d take adderall for days and pop a klonopin in whenever I felt tweaked out or my body hurt. I didn’t WANT to sleep -I hated it. And I wasnt going to regardless so I rationed taking another adderrall to be productive.

For 6 months I probably slept 20-30 hours a week. I could stay up for 3-4 days no problem. I had mastered it. One day though, something in my head clicked -on or off…I’m not sure. But nothing was ever the same and hasn’t been to this day.

I had a mental landslide. I didn’t know what was going on….people could tell I was on something. It started to affect every aspect of my life. I switched from klonopin to ativan at one point hoping it would help but I went through the script even quicker than my adderrall. To give you an idea of my adderrall tolerance at times I’d have to take 4 30mg pills at once. I always took 2 to start off my day regardless. One day I took 10 30mg XR’s and couldnt even get out of bed. It did nothing for me! Ultimately my mental state almost completely deteriorated. For months I tried to get a grip on my usage. I quit cold turkey for about a monrh or so but truth be told since I’d go through a whole prescription in a week and be out for 3 I’m sure it made no difference. *Note- for the 6 months I went nonstop I had 2 prescriptions. Finally, after staying up for 7 days straight I went to my psychologist and doctor and fessed up. Believe me I wouldnt have done this had I not been so cracked out. They werent even concerned about the amount I was taking or the psychological and physical damages that I may have caused myself. Instead they diagnosed me to be bipolar and put me on tegretol.

Ten days later I decided to check myself involuntarily into the psychiatric unit. There I was observed and was told that my manic states of bipolar occur bc I am so up and outgoing and essentially hyper. I dont have that depressive down side – but apparently thats the normal part. So then I am put on invega sister to syroquil. This was a very sedated numb feeling. I felt nothing. I took that with the tegretol expected to stabilize my mood. but here’s the kicker: THEY PUT ME BACK ON ADDERRALL.

I took such high doses for so long, to be honest, taking the normal dosage makes me feel like complete shit. It’s so bad, in fact, that I’d rather not take it at all. I also noticed the adderrall wasnt working as well combined with the other meds.

Ultimately I quit all of them one afternoon. And I felt more even keel than I had in a long time.

The doctor’s didnt care to examine that I wasn’t sleeping bc of the adderrall and that exceeding my normal dose was causing me extreme anxiety and paranoia, More importantly the lack of sleep put me in a complete manic state of mind. It would anyone. Anyone who takes adderrall reguarly knows how it can affect your emotions. -You don’t have any! but eventually all that bottled up feeling has to come out. Not to mention the effect benzos have on someone’s state of mind.

My point to this is that for a minute I let doctors who didn’t care to take the time to get to know the real situation convince me I was bipolar. Not only that but it validated my adderrall usage.

The psychologist in the hospital verbatim told me I am not bipolar and to just get back on adderrall and take it the right way.

I quit taking adderrall for 60 days and then I went back thinking to myself I could never go down that road again. I cant sustain the lifestyle anymore but Im 6 days into it and I’ve taken way more than I should have already. Sad part is taking a bunch throughout the day doesn’t do anything for my focus. It is a waste of the pills. I don’t know how to get control of it- or find that balance. I know that I am chasing the high that it gave me the first time I ever took it but it will never come back. And if I could only just find balance I probably wouldnt be exhausted after day one and could take my normal dose. But being doa requires more just to stay awake.

has anyone been able to stop themselves from taking too much? how do i balance

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OMG, I can totally relate! I went to the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack. I BECAME extremely bipolar because I wasn't sleeping and taking adderall every 4 hours. I had dellusions and my mood was all over the place. The ER sent me to a psych ward....then they sent me to detox. I was diagnosed as bipolar. Dude! I'm not bipolar! I'm just now weening off the seroquel pills. I'm still on the others but I want to get off those too. My problem is I'm an adderall addict.

I went through stages like you did where the high is fantastic and I'd get so much done along with feeling on top of the world. Then there were times when I'd take them and feel like they weren't hardly doing anything. The bottom line in the end for me though was the fact that my life was a total disaster due to taking adderall.

There is a saying that I like. "One is too many and a thousand is never enough." I know for me, the chase of the high will never be enough. Addiction is when we keep chasing and chasing a high until we can't even chase it anymore. Another saying I like, "I was sick and tired of being sick and tired." That's how I was. I just wanted my life to be sane (even if that meant letting my life fall apart at the seems in the short term) and to be happy again. I'm 117 days clean from adderall and all drugs and alcohol today. I'm in no way "on top of the world", however, I'm feeling better than ever and I know there are great things ahead for me in life. I'm very excited to see what my life will be like a year from now when I feel 100% responsible for all my successes and not that my life has been created by false pretenses.

May you find what you've been looking for and I pray you find it elsewhere than where you've previously searched. Take care my friend!

Erin

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