Struggles of letting go

[ReadytoQuit]

First time posting. I’ve been on adderall for approximately 6 years. Was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 30s, but been diagnosed with OCD as well. I used to take meds for OCD many years ago but only temporary cause I hated the side effects. Anyway, I’ve tried to quit for the past two years but can’t. The longest I’ve gone is a little over a month. I am currently up to 60mg of adderall per day, not XR though. Anyway, I’ve had all the symptoms that many get when crashing and while on it. Every negative symptom associated with meds, I get. My worst side effect is night terrors. Last year, I suffered a horrific accident that led to emergency surgery due to a night terror. I broke many bones in my face, nose, and upper jaw. As a result, I have 6 plates in my face and numbness in my face that will never go away. My sleep doc attributed it to the adderall. Essentially, my mind is running at a 100 mph even in my sleep. I laid off of it for a while as a result, but depression due to the injury I suffered in addition to coming off the meds was too much for me. I took 450mg of Wellbutrin with adderall for about 6 months....bad idea. Suicidal ideations were a common trend for me during those times. Then I laid off the Wellbutrin and stuck to adderall. Adderall makes me feel happy and I kick ass at work, but when crashing my lows are very low. Today, I went cold turkey. I didn’t ask the doc for his advice. Just did it on my own. This is not the first time, and I’m worried it won’t be the last. Need some advice. I know I can search within the forums, but I also wanted to share at least 20% of my story. Although I have many successful stories about adderall in the past 6 years, the bad definitely outweighs the good. Thanks for reading!

[quit-once]

10 hours ago, ReadytoQuit said:

. Adderall makes me feel happy and I kick ass at work, but when crashing my lows are very low. Today, I went cold turkey. I didn’t ask the doc for his advice. Just did it on my own. This is not the first time, and I’m worried it won’t be the last. Need some advice.

Welcome to the forums.

It certainly won't be your last time quitting if you don't so something different.  Obviously, you haven't told your doctor you are ready to quit.  That would be a big first step.  It takes a log of courage to do that.  If it is easier to lie, then tell your doctor a whopper like it gave you some really unpleasant side affects or tell the truth about how badly you dislike the ups and downs of your addiction.   But if you don't cut off your supply you will be right back in adderall hell again next month.  Another thing I suggest is to create some kind of negative outcome if you fail to quit this time,  What could you consider to be a significant penalty or next step if this Quit fails?