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Freedom's Wings

Help!? I've grown Deaf!

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Since quitting adderall has anyone noticed the inability to process musical rhythms or rhythmic abilities period?? Ive always written music (lyrics over beats) and as with many others during my long stint on adderall. I got all doped up on writing music over beats/rhythms and recording. It seems, however, post adderall, I am unable to grasp the notion of rhythm to write anything that even resembles having a meter,or tempo, as well Ive noticed a substantial decrease in my ability to write overall. Still, the music/ lack of rhythm is of high concern. While on adderall I became a writaholic. Not only am I very concerned with my mental cognition, working memory, and writing abilities, but, I feel like I've lost my sense of overall rhythm including musically and even at times while talking/walking, I feel off-beat and out of balance so to speak. I feel like there is no rhythm in my step/stride. I'm terrified something may be extremely wrong as I have been clear and free of adderall for almost 2 months with no real improvements in these areas.I also tend to get hung up on my words and repeat myself more often. Help please and thank you for any feedback.

GodSpeed!

F.Wings

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Freedom's wings,

I write long reports at work that are read by many different audiences. I found it very difficult in the beginning to make what I was writing make sense. It was like I was writing garbly goo and I was terrified of losing my job. It was because my brain couldn't focus enough to analyze the data and then record it on paper in a sensible format.

Now I'm not really having that problem at all anymore. It's more of a motivation issue. I can do the analyzing and the writing and produce a good product. I just don't want to do it anymore. I think my ambition has overtaken my work. I think a job change probably should have and normally would have happened several years ago, but in a drug-induced, product churning mindset, you lose your life's ambitions over to mindless, project oriented drone work.

With music however I don't know. I don't feel like I've lost my rhythm by any means. I think it's just the drug working itself out of your system still. It will come back. It will just take some time. I was amazed at how much my work life got back to normal faster than my family life did. Still working on the family life, weight issue, energy issue, and motivation issue. However work is better because I'm not as stressed about it as I once was and I don't spend all my time making it perfect anymore. And I still get A's from my higher-ups on my work product.

Hope this helps,

Whittering

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Hey Freedom Wings,

There is nothing wrong with you. Youre simply recovering from a very addictive drug. You were used to doing certain things on adderall and now you have to get used to doing those same things off of adderall. I read in Stephen King's autobiography how he said he came down with writers block after he quit cocaine, but word by word his ability to tell a story eventually came back. And afterwards, his writing got even more critical praise then the books he wrote when his writing was fueled by cocaine.They said his works were more intelligent and had more depth to them. If things that you used to do like composing and writing are flatter now, It shouldn't matter. Quitting should be the most important thing. Wait it out, and things will get better. (I personally couldn't string two words together after I quit, but have gotten a lot more comfortable with it since) BTW, I saw this quote on the front page of this website that Mike highlighted and thought it might apply to your situation with music.

I used to over think everything I did and now I just do what I feel is right. I am a performer, a singer and a dance instructor, and I feel music differently off adderall.

I feel like I can dance with my body and not my head.

-Heather

Hang in there!

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Whittering, Inrecovery,

Thank you for your response, so very much needed. I am still in great fear due to the lack of overall rhythm, it's like my internal clocks are out of wack, and this does I believe include the music aspect as well. I will be vigilant and try my best to wait it out, but my sleep sucks and everything along with it is just plain too quirky to make any sense of.

Heather, that is a great quote, it very much hits home for me. This road is sooooooo long and tedious. I will continue to keep my head held high, lack of motivation, memory, abilities, and all. But I pray GOD speeds as these days are indeed lingering, and the whole "woe is me" vibe I feel is truly unbecoming.I used to be so strong and confident prior to adderall. Now I feel almost less than average with a strong desire to feel as if I fit in with the crowd, which I HATE feeling! I NEVER wanted to fit in with the crowd! I guess I just always wanted them to know that I was more than worthy and capable of fitting in, but now It's almost as if I seek their approval in every endeavor from the moment I wake.

It's like other peoples opinions, body language, moods,etc (strangers included) in general have become my checks and balance system. The major problem with that is all of the mixed signals I read, if, I am even reading them accurately. I don't know... this entire situation is all just extremely daunting. You guys are truly my only sense of grounding and real support at the moment. And, it does indeed hurt to feel so all alone in my day to day, but I am sure glad as hell to have you!-unsure where I might be without you.

Inrecovery, thank you for placing the light on my recovery first, its so damn easy to want to pick up where you left off and just run with it, which in this case is clearly not the standard, not at this measure anyway. I guess it's just that I get so bored and overwhelmed with focusing on recovery, intermittently I seek some respite, just longing to feel normal, passionate, and confident about life again- minus the superficiality and grand stature. I just want to like me again and to know me again for that matter.

-Freedom gives you Wingszsss.

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Hi FW,

I just wanted to say that I felt the same way at two months, especially with the awkwardness and neediness around people, when I had been naturally confident and carefree before. I didn't start feeling improvements in my cognition until months 3-4, and in months 5-6 my mind really started coming back in full force. The first few months are really crappy, but you will get back to your natural self if you stick with it.

Cassie

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Well as a white guy from a small town, I don't think I can give you any advice on rhythm. LOL.  2 months is early days for recovery reviewing some of my old posts I was still very very out of whack. You may want to start with the basics and work up to something more complicated.  Early in my recovery I really enjoyed Kayne's latest album and Eminem's Recovery.  

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