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Serena

My struggle with Adderall

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So I have struggled with Adderall on and off for many years. I started taking Adderall during my undergrad and then proceeded to get addicted to it and take it six years straight. It took over my life and I felt like I "needed" it to accomplish anything in my life. It made me feel like a slave to a little orange pill. Once I got into grad school I kept taking it but I felt really guilty about it. I have recovered from various other addictions, alcohol being the main one, but Adderall has always been around. I decided last year that I wanted to stop taking it so I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to quit. He switched me to Strattera and I thought I was good to go. I had my ex take the rest of my Adderall and hide it from me and things were okay for a few weeks. Then I freaked out and one night when he was gone and I scoured his house until I found my Add. I began to take it secretly, in addition to taking Strattera, and could not stop myself. I did that for about a month until I just couldn't take it anymore. Things with my ex were not that good, the Adderall was keeping me numb, but my subconscious could take it no longer. I felt I needed to break up with my boyfriend and I went over to do it but ended up turning the whole thing about Adderall. I told him what I had been doing and he wasn't mad, but thought it was not healthy. I told him to really take the Add away and that I wanted to be free of it. We stayed together and I stopped taking Add. It was really hard but I managed to be free from it for about 7 1/2 months. I also broke up with my boyfriend two months after quitting and my life got progressively better. I also went to my doctor and told him I didn't want to be on Strattera because I was sick of being a slave to pills. Strattera is also expensive and I felt I didn't really need a pill. I did really well in school and things were great until May of this year.

At the end of the semester I had a doctor's appoint for another medication and I immediately knew I wanted to get Add. I tried to stop myself but it was already done in my head. My doctor wrote me a script for 30 but way less in mg, at least I was able to do that, and I immediately filled it. I told my best friend about it and she was kind of worried but was supportive. I tried to control it, but we all know that doesn't happen when you are addicted, and I spiraled. I took it every day for 30 days straight and told myself I would never take it again. I didn't take it for about 12 days until I had another followup doctors appointment. I got some news that was not positive and I decided I "needed" Adderall. This doctor wrote me a script for 30 and then another to have just in case. I filled it last Monday and felt so guilty. I took it for 4 days and told several people what I had done and they told me not to beat myself up for it. Last night I reached my "bottom." I kept feeling like I was going to cry and I had no reason why. A voice inside me kept saying, "It's time," and I was freaking out. I came home and started writing about it and checked out this website. I knew I really had to quit this time. So I took my pills and laid them out on my counter. I cried, screamed at them, and told them what I thought. I felt panic and fear about flushing them and almost couldn't do it, but at the last moment I flushed them down the toilet. I was sobbing that they were gone and continued to go outside and burn my other script. This morning when I woke up I started crying and my feelings have been like a rollercoaster. I know I made the right choice, but the addict part of me is so pissed that I didn't take more of my script before I threw it away. So this time I really think and hope I am done. I hate Adderall and it makes me unlike myself. I want to be true to myself. I know that it will be hard and that I will have to resist any urges, but I really mean it this time. So goodbye Adderall, I don't need you anymore. I am capable and worthwhile all on my own.

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Hey Serena,

Good riddance to that god awful pill!

Keep checking in. Its a lot easier to get through this when you're not going it alone.

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Thanks for replying! I will keep checking in since I really want this to last. I find it helpful to hold myself accountable. I made it through the first day. My emotions were like a freaking rollercoaster but I am doing alright.

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Right now I am on day 5 and I feel pretty good considering how shitty I felt day 1-3. I had a fleeting thought of how much "fun" it would be to pack for a trip I am leaving on soon with Adderall and then I banished the thought immediately. I am much happier to be present and not all tweaked out while packing. Now I actually pack faster and do not obsess over every little thing. I also created a 30 day chart in my journal and for every day I am sober I put a gold star. I want 30 gold stars so I am not stopping. After 30 days I should feel strong and not need the gold stars anymore, haha.

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I am on day one and you are right, it is hard. I just want to sleep all day which is very unusual considering that I usually never got more than 5 hours of sleep a night. The good news is, the day is almost over and that means for the first time in over a year, I have made it one day!! I wish you the best on your journey through this.

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I am on day one and you are right, it is hard. I just want to sleep all day which is very unusual considering that I usually never got more than 5 hours of sleep a night. The good news is, the day is almost over and that means for the first time in over a year, I have made it one day!! I wish you the best on your journey through this.

Congrats on day one! I wish you the best on your journey as well. Keep coming back here to hold yourself accountable! It's better to do this sort of thing with support.

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I now have 17 days free from Adderall! What a relief. I am through the worst of it. Next step will be for me to tell my doctor that I can't be prescribed Adderall. Then I will really be done, for good.

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