Serena Posted June 29, 2012 Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 So I have struggled with Adderall on and off for many years. I started taking Adderall during my undergrad and then proceeded to get addicted to it and take it six years straight. It took over my life and I felt like I "needed" it to accomplish anything in my life. It made me feel like a slave to a little orange pill. Once I got into grad school I kept taking it but I felt really guilty about it. I have recovered from various other addictions, alcohol being the main one, but Adderall has always been around. I decided last year that I wanted to stop taking it so I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to quit. He switched me to Strattera and I thought I was good to go. I had my ex take the rest of my Adderall and hide it from me and things were okay for a few weeks. Then I freaked out and one night when he was gone and I scoured his house until I found my Add. I began to take it secretly, in addition to taking Strattera, and could not stop myself. I did that for about a month until I just couldn't take it anymore. Things with my ex were not that good, the Adderall was keeping me numb, but my subconscious could take it no longer. I felt I needed to break up with my boyfriend and I went over to do it but ended up turning the whole thing about Adderall. I told him what I had been doing and he wasn't mad, but thought it was not healthy. I told him to really take the Add away and that I wanted to be free of it. We stayed together and I stopped taking Add. It was really hard but I managed to be free from it for about 7 1/2 months. I also broke up with my boyfriend two months after quitting and my life got progressively better. I also went to my doctor and told him I didn't want to be on Strattera because I was sick of being a slave to pills. Strattera is also expensive and I felt I didn't really need a pill. I did really well in school and things were great until May of this year. At the end of the semester I had a doctor's appoint for another medication and I immediately knew I wanted to get Add. I tried to stop myself but it was already done in my head. My doctor wrote me a script for 30 but way less in mg, at least I was able to do that, and I immediately filled it. I told my best friend about it and she was kind of worried but was supportive. I tried to control it, but we all know that doesn't happen when you are addicted, and I spiraled. I took it every day for 30 days straight and told myself I would never take it again. I didn't take it for about 12 days until I had another followup doctors appointment. I got some news that was not positive and I decided I "needed" Adderall. This doctor wrote me a script for 30 and then another to have just in case. I filled it last Monday and felt so guilty. I took it for 4 days and told several people what I had done and they told me not to beat myself up for it. Last night I reached my "bottom." I kept feeling like I was going to cry and I had no reason why. A voice inside me kept saying, "It's time," and I was freaking out. I came home and started writing about it and checked out this website. I knew I really had to quit this time. So I took my pills and laid them out on my counter. I cried, screamed at them, and told them what I thought. I felt panic and fear about flushing them and almost couldn't do it, but at the last moment I flushed them down the toilet. I was sobbing that they were gone and continued to go outside and burn my other script. This morning when I woke up I started crying and my feelings have been like a rollercoaster. I know I made the right choice, but the addict part of me is so pissed that I didn't take more of my script before I threw it away. So this time I really think and hope I am done. I hate Adderall and it makes me unlike myself. I want to be true to myself. I know that it will be hard and that I will have to resist any urges, but I really mean it this time. So goodbye Adderall, I don't need you anymore. I am capable and worthwhile all on my own. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted June 30, 2012 Report Share Posted June 30, 2012 Hey Serena, Good riddance to that god awful pill! Keep checking in. Its a lot easier to get through this when you're not going it alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serena Posted June 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2012 Thanks for replying! I will keep checking in since I really want this to last. I find it helpful to hold myself accountable. I made it through the first day. My emotions were like a freaking rollercoaster but I am doing alright. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ldmcniel Posted July 3, 2012 Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 I am glad that you have taken the first step. It is hard. I know. Keep it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serena Posted July 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2012 Right now I am on day 5 and I feel pretty good considering how shitty I felt day 1-3. I had a fleeting thought of how much "fun" it would be to pack for a trip I am leaving on soon with Adderall and then I banished the thought immediately. I am much happier to be present and not all tweaked out while packing. Now I actually pack faster and do not obsess over every little thing. I also created a 30 day chart in my journal and for every day I am sober I put a gold star. I want 30 gold stars so I am not stopping. After 30 days I should feel strong and not need the gold stars anymore, haha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ldmcniel Posted July 5, 2012 Report Share Posted July 5, 2012 I am on day one and you are right, it is hard. I just want to sleep all day which is very unusual considering that I usually never got more than 5 hours of sleep a night. The good news is, the day is almost over and that means for the first time in over a year, I have made it one day!! I wish you the best on your journey through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serena Posted July 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2012 I am on day one and you are right, it is hard. I just want to sleep all day which is very unusual considering that I usually never got more than 5 hours of sleep a night. The good news is, the day is almost over and that means for the first time in over a year, I have made it one day!! I wish you the best on your journey through this. Congrats on day one! I wish you the best on your journey as well. Keep coming back here to hold yourself accountable! It's better to do this sort of thing with support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serena Posted July 17, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2012 I now have 17 days free from Adderall! What a relief. I am through the worst of it. Next step will be for me to tell my doctor that I can't be prescribed Adderall. Then I will really be done, for good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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