Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
trey

its now or never

6 posts in this topic

hi all -

My adderall journey has been, on-and-off, the last 6 years of my life. Honestly the most confusing headf**k of a drug i can imagine. Lovely and clear.. and insidious. A saviour and a saboteur. Quite honestly i never believed i was truly ADHD. But i took the test, answered everything honestly and ended up with a script. See I thought they could be the magic bullet i needed to blow away my chronically blocked creativity. (Now i know, adderall steals/silences your heart in matters of creativity. If my heart is not there, the inner child is not there.. and in my case that means that creativity is _impossible_) Dysthymia and fatigue are what plague me. For me, fatigue almost has an emotionally-threatening quality to it..feeling tired or facing a barrier that needs to be broken through becomes a sensation of 'i'm going to break', 'i'm going to die' etc. No wonder adderall has seduced me through a fantasy-land for several years. Still now, I have one ration left on my script and i was SO desperate to get them last week because adderall always (blindingly) illuminates my potential and what a wonderful bright person i am and the awesome goals that i want to achieve and all the great possibilities that are waiting. A week before that, (without meds) i was writing my will and weighing up which way to bump myself. This drug has given me a glittering carousel of an experience (ultimately fake), mental and emotional diamonds here and there, plus alcoholism - but the main issue is, has it brought you closer to your fears & sadness or been a grand detour from it? The latter for me, without question. Fears & sadness just being a necessary pit-stop on the way to your dreams. (Well, in my case anyway. Everyone's life pattern is unique) Adderall is like putting on a million-dollar suit version of yourself and hey thats fantastic, but it is hollow and lonely on the inside. So lonely. Now i want the shabby hobo outfit instead. Looks crappy, and it itches and its dirty but while wearing it i'm forced to trudge along one step at a time. Absorbing a little discomfort in every step. Building my heart slowly. Without false accelerations and crazy angles. Just come back to my heart, this seems difficult but its all i want - Thanks 4 reading, Trey

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Trey,

You are a gifted writer! What do you do for a living? Thanks for sharing your story. :) Where are you from?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Lil,

Thankyou! Writing on forums is usually a real headache for me (detail/edits/stress) but my little intro here came quite spontaneously, for once!

I am preparing to study psychology this year but composing music, la musica! is my main passion..well, when i actually allow myself to do it! Chronically blocked and perfectionist. I don't know how i've survived this long suppressing my creative instincts. Truly insane :huh:

I'm in australia. Here, dexamphetamine/dexedrine is the norm rather than adderall. (The state where i live is notorious for its rate of prescription compared to other states.)

And you are in Texas? I've heard Texas is a great place.

Trey

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, Australia! So cool. I'm in Texas and yes it's very awesome, but I may be on a global journey here soon if things pan out at work for me. :) Keeping my fingers crossed, but I think I have a really good chance of getting into this traveling program through work. Very exciting!

So are you adderall/dex free already? If so, how many days? :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No, not yet. I started taking it again this week, with the intention of taking very small (5-10mg) doses just to help me get in an exercise routine so i can be happy naturally.

But it never ever works.

I've tried this strategy before and it always blows up in my face. In the last year, when on dex, my ability to complete tasks is just a joke. I'm hooked on the euphoria basically. I have one repeat on my script, but i'm ready to kick it whenever. (If I had just one 5mg pill in my pocket per day it might work nicely. But left to my own devices.. i'm just a drug addict. Thats that) :o

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Trey,

Nice to hear from a fellow dex-head. 5mg instant release dexedrine tablets? Pretty sure that's what is loaded in Satan's Pez dispenser. The doctor gave me 150 of those things per month. The looks I got at the pharmacy were hilarious. I don't think anyone else in my entire county gets them or that many.

I never took another Adderall after the first dexedrine. The euphoria is pretty tough to let go of - like I used to just sit and bask in my own glory for 20 or 30 minutes when I started to feel them - about 10 minutes after I took them. They shouldn't be legal, for anyone.

Best of luck to you. headf**k is right.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0