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Beautiful Disaster </3

I Need Help!

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Hi Everyone,

First of all... this site is such a blessing! It is sooo comforting (and sad!) that there are so many people suffering and going through the same things that I am going through. I will share my story and will be SO grateful to those who read!

I have always had AD(H)D tendencies... Growing up I was a little bit in my own world, always creative, and had my own way of thinking. I didn't do well in school once I hit 3rd/4th grade... I am smart, but I struggled keeping up with assignments and remembering to bring work home, being able to study for extended periods, etc. I actually was tested for ADD when I was like 9/10, and I remember thinking that I was being "tested" because my parents thought I was stupid! I still remember taking that "test" and trying SO hard... I was convinced that I would prove to the lady testing me that I was smart! I didn't know what ADD was or know what exactly the test was about... but anyway, I was not diagnosed with ADD at that time. My doctor now seems to believe that I "outsmarted" the test... which I don't understand how that could even happen, but either way I continued to have ADD "tendencies" through middle/high school and college. Now, I am SO thankful that I wasn't diagnosed as ADD because I would not have ever wanted to be put on adderall or any stimulant at such a young age!

Anyway, I made it through my school years at a really challenging college-prep. school with B's in classes I liked and usually C's in classes I didn't like as much... I started college the fall of 2006 at a state University. For the first three years in college I did what I had to do to get by... the bare minimum and that was it. I spent most of my time drinking and partying like all my other friends. I have TONS of student loans that I am paying off now for classes that I hardly even attended! I wish I would've been a little more responsible..... anyway, during my third year one of my friends gave me half of an adderall (10 mg) when I told her that I was tired and didn't feel like going out. I didn't have "druggie" friends and stuck to drinking and every once in a while I would smoke, but I typically stayed away from anything "unkown".... until adderall, of course. She was like, "take this- you'll be able to stay up all night!" I took it and I literally felt like I was the *shiznit* ... I saw a lot of my friends that would take it and get "pumped up" and talkative/hyper... it definitely made me more talkative than usual (I had also been drinking) but I couldn't believe how internally I felt like a different person... totally composed and in control of myself. I LOVED that it made me feel so composed yet gave me energy too! I just loved how it made me feel. It also made me not hungry AT ALL... which was extremely helpful because at that time I had been suffering with bulimia for about two years. My parents knew about the bulimia and I sought counselling and saw a nutritionist which just all seemed BS to me... and my family thought I was over it, but I wasn't. I started buying adderall from a couple different people... it helped me with school, but I mostly was amazed at how I was able to completely control my compulsive eating and was able to totally control my bulimic tendencies when I was on it. Taking adderall helped me to not be impulsive and since I wasn't hungry I was able to eat normal, healthy portions.

About a year after I first tried adderall, I told my parents I had tried it and how helpful it was (I don't remember HOW this came about... because my parents aren't down with drugs or anything illegal). So I ended up getting a prescription. This was in January of 2010. I have been on 20mg twice a day since then... but have experimented a lot with my dosage. About 1.5-2 years after I first started taking it I would pop them like candy... I would buy it without telling my "dealers" that I had my own prescription and would literally take multiple 20mg throughout the day... I never really tracked it but I am sure there were plenty of days that I took at least 100mg per day. I still take it every day... but for the past few months I have been down to anywhere from 20-80mg per day. I WANT TO QUIT. I have always had some anxiety, but my anxiety has been really bad lately. I am a very silly/goofy/fun person and am just not "fun" anymore... I went to my doctor about 2 weeks ago because I have been getting heart palpitations nearly every night... I know it is from adderall because when I take my prescribed dosage or less I don't get them... but I am in serious DENIAL about it and about my problem. I mean, I am having HEART PALPITATIONS ... your heart is what keeps you alive... and even thought these scare the living crap out of me, I still do not quit taking the adderall... like, clearly this is a problem.

The main thing that keeps me from stopping and is the decision behind taking it daily is the bulimia issue. There have been days that I haven't taken it (even in the past few weeks) and my bulimic tendencies come back! And that is not okay with me... at all. It is almost like when I am on adderall I am able to focus on important things and not just food/binging and purging. I am scared of what adderall is doing to my heart and my health, but I am scared of bulimia controlling my life as well.... I am worried that I never actually fought my bulimia, but that adderall just helped me mask the problem.

I have been dating my current boyfriend for a little over three years... so, he met and knew me- in the beginning- without the adderall... althought at that time, I was still struggling quite a bit with bulimia (which I told him about). But anyway, I was definitely more fun/carefree when we first met. Now, once I got my adderall prescription he started taking it occasionally too... and ended up getting a prescription. He barely takes it now (maybe about 1/8th of his prescription).. he just takes it every once in a while... which means I basically have 80mg of adderall available to me per day. I have asked him before to hide the adderall from me or to "ration" it out to me... but whenever I ask him to do that, inevitably, that next morning I plead with him to just give me my bottle and that I will take a "normal amount." He worries about me taking too much, but also wants me to be happy... and doesn't want to control me or play the role of a parent. And he shouldn't have to! I wish I would just own up and take control myself... I am just scared.

Basically, this is what adderall does to me and why I want to quit:

1- It makes my sense of humor almost disappear

2- It gives me anxiety about my heart/health

3- I get upper back aches ... I think from staying so tense all day and standing a lot

4- It makes me workout less intensely (because of my worry about my heart) and I think I just get tired/worn out easier when I workout while on adderall (Idk if this is with everyone, or just me)

5- It makes me less inclined to play the guitar

6- I am unable to write as well as I used to

7- I come up with plenty of "ideas" but am just a lot less creative than I used to be... I do a lot of arts and crafts, but am more interested in organizing them than actually doing them and creating things.

8- I want to be drug-free and not have anything in my system

9- I think it has caused me to be depressed... I was on depression medication along with adderall for about 1.5 of the 2.5 years that I have been taking it

10- I don't think I can take it successfully without abusing it

11- I don't want to take it forever and don't want to be taking it whenever I plan on getting pregnant and having children (probably within the next few years)

12- Not only does it give me anxiety about my heart/health, but it also actually causes heart palpitations which is scary

This is why I like it and am scared about quitting:

1- I cannot seem to "wake up" fully without it

2- I basically go back to being bulimic when I do not take it

3- I am about to start a new job that requires a lot of self-motivation, and fear that I will not find the motivation without it

4- I am almost too carefree without it and don't take anything seriously

5- I don't feel like I am a "grown up" when I'm not on it (although I am 24)

6- I want to be able to focus on work and getting things done, but naturally am not inclined to be that way... unless I take adderall

7- Within the next few years I want to open my own business... is this possible without adderall?!

8- I live with my boyfriend, and we have a lot of conflict when I do not stay clean and organized... I want to keep the house clean to avoid unnecessary problems

I guess what I am looking for is some reinforcement and encouragement that this IS possible to survive/thrive without the adderall. I need some accountability and I am too nervous to tell my family that I have been abusing and that adderall has caused problems for me... because they worry so much already!

Thanks to everyone who read everything :) it means a lot <3

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I fought a addiction to adderall while in college, and am currently helping my younger sister with her addiction. I was not prescribed adderall, and was taking it to catch up in my school work. Catching up on my school work turned into taking it to party. It completely clouded my judgement and I found myself in a abusive relationship with someone who abused adderall on a daily basis. I lost all my friends and family at the time, and it destroyed my life. I went through all of this in the matter of a few months. Just two months and my life was destroyed, It has now been 7 years since this and I can't believe how far I've come. I can't speak as someone who has been on it for years but I've experienced how much it can take away from you, when I was on it and then experiencing withdrawal I was very mean to my parents, wanting to experiment with other drugs, experiencing hopelessness, heard voices, and saw things in my apartment on campus that were not really there. It was awful, and I can tell you now that the benefits of quitting are tremendous. Ask yourself this, do you want to live? Because when you're on adderall you're not living, you're dependent on a drug. YOU CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT IT! You can overcome bulimia, you can open your own business, you can have healthy and happy relationships, YOU CAN WAKE UP! Motivate yourself by reading people's success stories/overcoming addiction. It's not a easy road but it is possible with the right support, seek out rehab if you find yourself on and off of it again.

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Thank you for that :) I think a lot of what I'm struggling with has to do with not believing in my own strength... I swear adderall is more of a mental/fake dependence than an actual dependence! Thanks for your kind words :)

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You're Welcome! Imagine how it will feel once you've accomplished your first project without the adderall and how much that will mean to you! I wish you the best, and hope you have lots of loving support around you, also don't let work get ahead of your health, remember your health comes first!

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