Kelly23

I feel the same exact way you do, you pretty much just summed up how I feel! I've also gone long periods of time without it but always came back to it and I want out. I think going to your doctor would be a great idea! They may even ween you off of it, if they believe you'll take the new dose the right way so you don't have as severe symptoms of withdrawal. but if you say you're suicidal he may send you to a hospital if he feels that you're a danger to yourself. So I def wouldn't recommend saying that unless you really are.. Good for you for wanting to kick the habit and if you every want to talk, feel free to message me. <3

I'm so glad you mentioned stimulants, seriously. I graduated two years ago, and within the last six months our town has lost three kids that were in my grade to suicide and we've had many attempts as well. Once I really started looking into the long term affects of adderall, I realized how much it actually changed ME and my personality. It really messed me up and through high school I had a lot of problems that I couldn't figure out and even thought about suicide for years, but I never thought it could've been linked to the adderall. I was never even diagnosed with ADHD but I was put on it. It's scary how many children are being medicated and people don't realize the effects it's really having on them, it seriously breaks my heart. I'm sorry to kind of rant but I could go on for days, I've done a lot of research lately especially on very young children who were put on stimulants.. and the number is rising by the day.

Anything can be a trigger for me, really depends on the mindset I'm in I guess. I was a couple days clean and then my friend texted me about adderall today and I had to take more. hearing someone talking about taking it or having it can trigger me. Just makes me think about how I'd feel if I had it...and then I have to take some /: But I'm stronger some days than others.

I'm also living in Michigan. Really could use someone to talk to, someone who gets it.. and having someone who actually lives by me would be nice! I'm about thirty minutes north of Detroit. Anyone living in Michigan can feel free to message me for anything

I can tell my story later, but in short I've been addicted to adderall since I was 13. Taking it on and off at some points and now I'm back to full blown dependency. I guess, I just wanted to share this. It's kinda of like a letter a wrote to adderall a few minutes ago. Nothing special, just not in the best mood right now and really thinking about things. Thanks for reading, hope you like it. You have me right where you want me, I'm back to where I always am when you're in control. Still up at six in the morning. Thinking, writing, singing, cleaning. I can't help but feel anything other than helpless. I'm entirely in a love/hate relationship with how I feel right now. This is what it always comes down to and it will never be any different. Putting all of my energy into usually pointless tasks. You have such a strong hold on me it absolutely scares me. Even when I went so long without you in my life, you always found a way back in, even if it was only for a moment. You could never leave me alone, you were always what I ran to. Sometimes I convince myself it's okay, but then I reach the point where I'm at right now where I realize who I am and who I have become again. You make me happy, you make me think, you make me cry, you make me angry, and you make me want to end my life at times. Why are these hours of completely losing it so worth those first few moments? Do I convince myself this feeling is good or do I actually enjoy it? But who could honestly say that they would enjoy this? Laying here wide awake at six in the morning telling a piece of paper/computer screen how you feel because you're too scared to tell anyone else. What an awful feeling. An awful feeling I've somehow grown to fall in love with. You will never know how bad you've hurt me, how bad I want you to go away. But I never want you to go away, I want to have you forever, and I don't want to imagine my life without you. You are my worst enemy, and you are my everything. Nothing could ever compare to you, and you know it. That's why I always come back to you. But when does this cycle come to an end? Will I even be alive to see the ending? What will it take for me to get rid of you one last time? Will I ever have the strength to tell you goodbye? How much longer can this go on for? What is my breaking point? Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, but I know I'm just crazy for you.