Hey guys, I just came across this website. I am addicted to adderall, as I'm sure you've either guessed by the title or the giant wall of text you can see waiting below. You know how it is... awake for 40 hours and I can't tell if my writing came out impressively descriptive or a wall of nonsense. Ignore spelling and grammar errors as I'll be passing out as soon as type the last word.
I am addicted to abusing adderall, always via insufflation (snorting). It is definitely an addiction and, like many other people, my adderall use is dedicated to social situations rather than the intended purpose. I drink heavily while on it sometimes with friends... but I usually just do a bunch of adderall by itself when alone. Mentally, I've always had and promoted a super positive attitude about life and kept a sense of humor about everything. I think pretty deeply, and I find I am reducing everything to logic more and more and make less effort to base anything on emotion. I have had my share of existential crises in the past, but I also love positivity am always very optimistic. Either way, I might as well just start from the beginning of the adderall relationship.
One Year on Adderall & Four Years I forgot about it
The first time I took adderall was from a friend at 17 years old. I ended up going in to get tested soon after, thinking anybody can get a prescription if they just act a little distracted during the testing... well it worked, and I got my script. I am still convinced only a small fraction of people who are prescribed to adderall actually NEED it to function... the rest of us initially just use it to function BETTER whether we admit it or not (just my opinion). I took it for most of my senior year in high school, and even then I started to pop double the dose sometimes for pretty much no reason at all. I started to get these tics where my ears and shoulders would always feel like they needed to be stretched. It got to a point where it hurt so I just stopped taking adderall cold turkey and was completely back to normal after a month of being slightly tired. I just didn't think about it and I am now dumbfounded as to how I was able to do that with no effort. I went through college (business school) without taking it or thinking about it at all. I took it once for finals and had 2 extra that I forgot about on my desk, and when my friend found them I told him he can have a blast. There was no desire for it in me. If I hadn't experienced it myself, I'd probably be convinced right now I'll always be an addict. I personally believe addiction a mere perspective, and can be turned off with the right attitude and mindset. There are physical effects until the drug leaves the body, but after that it's all in the head.
Rediscovering Adderall and the spawn of a terrible addiction
This was not a relapse. Adderall never had any control over me before this point. Immediately after college I went out with a girl from my hometown. I was tired and decided to take just a quarter of a 20 (5mg) and see if it would wake me up. After a very successful date, I felt like a new man. I started popping 10mg before going out everywhere I went, and that year was a temporary window where I felt like a god. Everyone wanted to be around me and girls were fighting over me. I was so relaxed, confident, and on point with everything that was going on around me without putting any effort into it at all. I felt at peace with myself at all times and nobody could have brought me down if they tried. Of course if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. I repeated this process and was frequently overly tired at work, left my job, was going out all the time and totally ignorant about my habits. It was probably around then I would refuse go to a big social event with friends if I was out of adderall. At some point I began to snort it occasionally so it hit faster/harder, and it just became the only way I do it. I honestly don't remember a specific moment where that became a thing for me but it's been that way for 3 or 4 years now. As with most drug abusers you chase the high, which requires exceeding the previous amount. When taking 20mg feels weak, snort 10 more, and so on. I remember the first time I did 60mg at once. It was in a hotel room with a friend who wanted like a 5mg bump and didn't like it. I broke up 3 20s and snorted it all, and had a great night. 60 was now the new high. That was about 2 years ago.
THIS is where my actions began to have opposite effects:
I began to snort it by myself and stay up all hours instead of saving it for when I was going out. At this point I often don't go out when people invite me because it's like a 50% chance I haven't slept since the previous morning (like this exact moment as I write this).
Most of my successes of the past 2 years have been when I am sober. I was accepted to an accelerated software engineering school and saved up for it while working as a lab tech. Being completely sober at work I was always super relaxed, liked by my boss, effective, and I got a lot of numbers. I dated 2 girls from there for a short period. I would still take adderall at night and on weekends. At software school I was down to adderall on one weekend night per week, was doing 80-100 hours of work every week without adderall, and finished at the top of the class..
Most of my downfalls come from adderall. I don't let myself go out without being super high on it. Both of those girls I took out at that lab job initially stopped talking to me after the first date, and then I convinced them it was because I was on adderall. One of them gave me a second chance and when we went out sober, like at work, she was really into me. I ate a small amount one time a month later when we were out somewhere and she noticed immediately and asked if I was on it, saying my pupils were dilated. She left me soon after. Not a big deal, it just speaks to how I don't have my shit together. During the software program, I took an adderall one morning towards the end and had a panic attack while presenting. Mostly, people look at me like a robot when I'm on it. I don't really feel emotional connections like I used to...
I worked a contract job for a bit as a developer and since the contract ended I am just in bed doing adderall any chance I get and waiting for interviews. If I take some, I know I won't be sleeping until the next night and I've stayed up 3 days multiple times. When I crash, I sleep for like 16+ hours and still feel tired. Even the days I go out now and am not a normal human to other people because I'm always tweaking on adderall. I change subjects of the conversation, or keep uninteresting conversations going too long. I feel the need to say everything on my mind, and not pay attention others' signals, and I am only loosely aware of my own body language and tone while talking. Strangely enough, the term attention deficit never felt more fitting for the state of mind of a person on a lot of adderall.
I feel fragile and weak, I'm in bed all day, I have no car, no money, I'm losing friends, people don't respect me anymore, and frankly it's a reflection of my not respecting myself. This is the first time I've explained this in this much detail and it already feels good reading others' stories and getting the motivation to make it happen now. I've been telling myself I will quit after next saturday for my friend's birthday party people are throwing, but I am not going to. There is always "one more time". Plus I am always taking it as if I am hiding my sober self from the world even though my sober self is so much cooler. Makes me want to kick this cheap addiction's ass and forget about it. I don't want rehab; again, I have never bought into the "once an addict, always an addict" belief and I see it as 100% mental... with a little help from my friends. The last time I took it was 8 hours ago and the disappearing wings of adderall insomnia are flickering my focus. I'll check back tomorrow.
If you have any suggestions as to what may help me keep my mind on track the first 30 days, I'd love to hear it! I already plan on making other big changes at the same time to take the focus off the adderall. Exercise is definitely crucial to ridding myself completely of this addiction.
Thank you anyone who listened and even if nobody did, it's nice to have a place where people have similar problems.
TL;DR - adderall ate my brain - HALP!