It's weird, I didn't realize that I was addicted. I just...knew it was addictive, if that makes sense? I thought "hey, I can quit any time I want". And just knowing that made it easy to quit for a few weeks here and there, a month here and there, but that was when I was just taking breaks.
When I made the decision to cut the adderall permanently, (mainly cause of the blatant damage that my prefrontal cortex seems to have endured, thus rendering my ability to control impulse completely fractured,) it's been a nightmare of a difference.
I think about it constantly. I'm worried I even bring it up too much, in conversation. Like an ex that I'm obsessed with.
Only a month out on this journey now, but I'm worried I'll never be happy. Cause I've realized that the reason I got so hooked in the first place was that I wasn't happy before I ever took that first pill.
Took it, and boom. Within weeks 6 pack abs. Incredible workouts, handled alcohol like a boss, for the first time IN MY LIFE women were flattered in my presence.
My jawline looked better. My clothes fit better. I was more aggressive playing sports, which gained me access to the wonderful serotonin release humans are entitled to when their peers respect them.
It was like that for 4.5 years. Rockstar lifestyle. Then I started to slowly realize I'm in my mid 20's. Can't party forever, and blow the parents money without ever graduating college. All the wonderful times on adderall, but no production. No education. Just living a rich boy's drug dream.
The hardest part in recovering is the lack of confidence in my physical appearance. It LEADS to me not carrying myself right in conversation.
My performance in sports used to be virtually the same with or without popping an adderall prior, but again, now that I know I can't ever take it again, it's suffering.
Im so scared of what's to come. What I've become. Almost suicidal. This isn't a cry for help. Just feels good knowing you guys can relate. I'd never harm myself. I wanna get better.
One may wonder why did I ever stop taking the pill if it worked wonders like that? I'm not sure what happened, but simultaneously as I realized I was living a meaningless party lifestyle, 4.5 years in to the prescription, I started needing more. My 10- 30mg a day wasn't cutting it anymore. I started taking 60. 70. 80!!!!
And the horrible habits followed.
So I cut it. Flushed them.
Here I am a month later, wondering how brutal this war can get.
Thanks for listening.