Chet19

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About Chet19

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  1. Hey everyone—really just making this point as something for myself to look back on the next time I think about going back to taking another pill. I think being able to hold myself accountable with something actually seen by other people (anonymous or not) is a necessary step for me to finally kick this habit. I’ve been using for about 3-4 years now, but intermittently. It all started back in graduate school, when I took my first dose and continued on to cram the next 10 hours for a final exam that I aced. I felt invincible on Adderall. Like I was the smartest person in school. I had always been smart—I’d already graduated with honors from a top undergraduate school with a technical degree. But this just felt different. It felt like I was on another level. Or that I had “unlocked” my true potential. At first I told myself I would only use it when I was needed it in dire cram-study situations. I didn’t have a script anyway, so the only way I could get it was through my friends. But before I knew it, sporadic doses weren’t enough. I felt like I could be doing so much better, and all I needed was get my own script. So I found one of my friends and was given the name to one of “those” doctors we all know. And I got my own script. Again, I told myself “now I will still only use it when I need it.” I’d take it before some classes, and not take it before others, in an effort to not become someone who needed to take it every day just to get by. But then finals would still come around and I’d go on a 2-week study bender with my pills in my pocket. And the worst part is my grades were fantastic, so I used that as my excuse to keep using it. After graduate school I went on to an extremely demanding job. Think one of Investment banking/Large law firm. I didn’t want to keep taking Adderall. I didn’t want to need to take something to carry me through the day. But I was scared that I wouldn’t excel in my job. And every time things got a little rough, all I could think was “I just need to take that pill and everything will be better.” So I did. And I kept doing it. And my reviews continued to flourish as I popped pills throughout the day to hide my emotions and keep myself “engrained” in my work as I worked 70+ hours week after week. Now, I’ve been in my job about 2 years, and have taken between 20mg-30mg every day during that span (with the exception of most weekends). I say “most” weekends because sometimes I will need to work 20-30 days straight, including weekends, and each one of those days will “require” me to take my “medicine.” But when I’m not taking it on those weekends I give myself a break, I feel terrible. Debilitated. Like I’m just waiting to take my next pill. My crux is always on my wind. When I need to jump on a flight, I get worried about whether or not I have brought enough Adderall with me just in case something for work comes up. When I need to do anything that requires mental capacity when I’m not on Adderall, it’s torture or plain futile. I just can’t do it any more—every day I think “how am I going to let something control me like this for the rest of my life.” I was an intelligent kid before Adderall. I had feelings. I had emotions. I didn’t need to take a pill to get through each and every day. Today is day 12 without Adderall. Luckily my job has been quite quiet lately, so I have been able to struggle through it without any repercussions. I am starting to feel again, and I love it. But I also have no concentration and can only imagine what it’d be like if I had to pull another one of my 15-hour mentally demanding days. And that scares me. I’d love to hear a “feel good” story of someone who has been through a similar situation as me and gotten through it. But again, like I said earlier, the main reason for this post is so that I have something to look back at the next time I feel like there’s no way to get something done without taking a pill and remind myself why I need to be done for good.