I'm in the second semester of my junior year in college and I think I've become addicted to adderall....doctors have been telling my mother since I was in kindergarden that I should be tested for add/adhd, but she's one of those types who doesn't think that they're real diseases. I started school in august of 2010 (i should be a freshman but transferred in with a lot of ap's...) and pretty quickly into the school year discovered a serious inability to concentrate. the work at this university is easier than anything I dealt with during high school, and yet I was still struggling. Sometime after this semester started (maybe the beginning of february?) a friend gave me a 20mg adderall because I was complaining about having an 8am class and being completely unable to focus that entire day (partly because I was so exhausted). I took the pill for the first time, not really knowing anything about it, at around 9am. I started the day with coffee, as I always did, because I didn't even know the drug was a stimulant (I was admittedly thick in this area...). By 11am I felt absolutely fabulous, I had another coffee, and suddenly felt like I was rolling face. it only lasted for about 45 minutes, but it felt like speed. almost as if I was sitting dormant watching myself race around in circles during the day. It also killed the migraine i always suffer from (i had brain surgery when i was 16 and have had headaches so bad that percs and morphine didn't even touch it...) on a constant basis and got rid of my crippling social anxiety. I've been struggling with an eating disorder for almost six years and it has left me socially...fucked, basically. my close friends are the only people around whom I've ever felt comfortable but the prospect of presenting myself to new people is too much to handle I dont even understand it myself, I'm intelligent and attractive. I know that on one level but there's still a vindictive part of my brain refusing to accept that I'm not completely awful. At first, the adderall made that go away.
All of that day and the next I was on top of the world; the drug gradually wore off and I called my friend for more. This time he only gave me 10mgs. I started taking 10mgs regularly on tues/thurs mornings to wake up for class. Then one monday I took 30mgs to write a paper, and my heart raced faster than it did when I tried cocaine, so I smoked a joint. The combination of weed and adderall calms me like no other. anyway I've been on a similar pattern of usage ever since then (I havent taken more than 20mgs since...), and recently I've been faced with immense hardships in my life. About two months ago my best friend broke off our friendship in the most awful way, and I've had a really hard time coping. This past month I quit the drug completely after two days of insomnia (a side effect I hadn't suffered previously...), which then lead to two more weeks of being unable to sleep. I was averaging two hours/night on the good days...after about 5 days of not taking adderall I was so exhausted before the day my morning class had an exam I took 10mgs. That weekend, still facing insomnia, I got drunk in an attempt to fall asleep. it actually worked! (thank GOD, because ever since that night I've been sleeping normally). I guess you could say the depression really kicked in around this point, but it had been building for months. I went from having generally positive days with maybe an hour or two of negativity to forgetting what being happy meant. Maybe three weeks ago I was accused, by the members of my family, of something heinous and untrue. The people who should love me are instead openly bashing me and calling me worthless This past week my depression has gotten much worse... I've woken up and cried for hours before even getting out of bed. I've had increasing thoughts of suicide and even wrote a note just in case... walking from class to class seems like too much to handle, I'm walking my university's hallways in unrequited hysterics. I've isolated myself from people and lost contact with friends. I've completely lost myself. it's like in a week's time I've forgotten who I used to be. I feel like a shell of a person and it's a miserable way to live.
I almost feel like blaming my current state on adderall is a cop-out. I'm dealing with so much shit right now that had I never taken the drug I feel like I'd be just as depressed, however I'm petrified now that I've gotten my body physically addicted to something with a dangerous withdrawal. Heart problems can result from stopping stimulants, right? I can finish out the rest of this semester without taking that drug, I KNOW that. I've already begun breaking pills in half- whereas before I'd take 10mgs in the morning I'll now only take 5. my spring break is next week and I wouldn't even have the slightest idea where to find this shit at home, nor would I have a legitimate reason to seek it, so that's an automatic 10-day detox period of sorts? Am I going to be ok? I dont have health insurance atm (sucks being on your own at 18!) and if I went to my mother with a drug addiction she'd abandon me before spending money on help.
I should add that I've dabbled a bit in other drugs (I've tried cocaine once, believe it or not charlie sheen was there!, mdma a few times, I tripped acid this past halloween, and I smoke pot decently often but adderall is the only "drug" I've gone back to, it's the only thing I've ever taken regularly, and it's the only thing I've ever been afraid to stop). Also, I'm a little girl. 5'2 and MAYBE 115lbs. I really have no idea what I'm doing, somebody PLEASE give me some advice- and don't just say to go to a doctor because I'm really not able to right now.