quit-once
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I have had the same job for the last 15 years, so I have the perspective of work before, during, and after adderall. Here is how it affected me regarding certain employee traits:
RELIABILITY: I hardly ever take sick leave now; on addie at least one day a month, usually when I was taking time off adderall. I spent a lot of work time chasing perscriptions, going to the doctor or chasing adderall from other sources. Having enough adderall was my top priority.
QUANTITY: I can't believe I did not get fired for getting nothing done. I did a lot of unnecessary bullshit; played a lot of computer games and surfed the internet all the time at work. Then I had to cover my tracks for getting nothing done. Excuses for everything!
QUALITY: I thought my work was great, but it was just average or lower. I could spend a day writing a one page article perfecting the grammar and syntax to the extreme. Now, I can write the same kind of article in a couple of hours, and honestly, I can't tell any difference in the quality of my work from writing on adderall or not. It just seemed so epic and more important when I was tweaked out.
BEING LATE: Adderall made me late for everything all the time. Normally, I am an on-timer, and I don't like being early either. It never bothered me to be late when I was tweaked.
For the first six years I took adderall only on the weekends and not during the work week so I would fall asleep in meetings and be really spaced out most of the time because I was in some stage of adderall withdrawl. It was one of my core values not to be high on anything while working. Make no mistake about it - the ONLY reason I took adderall was to get high and get shit done for myself or my family. I never did have ADD, if such a condition even exists. As my addiction progressed, first it was OK to take adderall on Friday afternoons at work, then on Mondays then on Thursdays. I didn't consider myself an addict if I did not take it for at least three days in a row. And it gets you a lot higher if you have three days off to "push the reset button" before another binge. Gradually the days off became fewer and fewer and I became a daily user the last couple of years. I convinced myself I had moderate ADD and I probbably did - due to all the fucking adderall I was taking! Those "days off" adderall during the work week made me a really poor performing employee, although I was never called out on it. Since quitting. I get my work done on time, I AM on time, and I have a renewed sense of self-worth and job performance. I could not afford to lose my job because of a stupid fucking pill addiction and that was one of my major reasons for quitting.
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I had some of those dreams for up to a year after quitting. I had this recurring dream, or variations of it, where I would put the pill in my mouth, have second thoughts and then forcefully spit it out. I would always wake up afterword with a feeling of relief, like I had dodged a bullet. I do remember earlier dreams when I would wake up just sick that I was using the shit again, but always releived to know it was just a silly dream. I never remembered any of my dreams when I was actually using adderall.
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If you don't get back on the horse.....the horse won't have a rider. Horses are smart animals and they know their way home.
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THANKS, FALCON!! I needed that reassurance tonight. Getting old is hard to accept when age itself starts fucking with your mind AND your body. Adderall made me feel old, and not in a good way.
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I guess I am fucked....I just learned that THC causes long-term memory impairment in mice. Since I have been smoking almost daily since I was 16 (that makes 33 years as a career stoner) there may not be much memory left to impair. Couple that with almost a decade of adderall use and I am certainly headed for early altzheimers or dementia. My brain probably looks like swiss cheese. Oh well, its just a lifetime.
InRecovery, thanks for that link. I did read that article and a couple others it had links to.
Falcon, I agree with your "everything in moderation" approach and I apply it to just about everything in my life.
That "moderation" approach works well until the addiction kicks in. Any addiction. I used adderall responsibly for about six years and I convinced myself I was not abusing it or addicted to it until reality kicked my ass and then I had to quit. So far I have conquered nicotine and adderall addictions. I have come close to being addicted to attivan and alcohol. I am good for at least one pot of strong coffee each day and I love caffeine. I am currently struggling with a food addiction and trying desperately not to become a fatbastard... again. But weed? It just isn't addictive in the same way as all of these other substances I have just refered to, and I feel like it is less harmful than anything except coffee I can take it or leave it and I smoke less now than I ever have. Weed's pros outweigh its cons for me so I will continue to use (not abuse) it until I don't enjoy smoking anymore or unitl it causes some kind of damage to my mind. Is it possible that weed causes memory loss?
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After exactly 1.5 years (today) I can say that the thought processes, concentration, humor, and my personality traits have all returned to pre-addderall states. The ONE thing that I wish was better is my memory. Some days it is good, others not so good, and taking the occasional fish oil capsule really helps smooth it out. But I want a better memory that can recall words and names quicker, remember faces, and not lose my train of thought halfway thorugh a conversation. Should I quit smoking weed to see if my memory improves?
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My best friend suffered from amphetamine psychosis last spring. It got him fired and he spent a week in a psych hospital. His wife stood by him and helped him through it, thank god. He said it cost like $15,000 and he had no insurance. The experience was exactly what he needed to make him quit adderall for good, and he is terrified of ever returning to that state of mind. I told him that even one pill could send him over the edge again (I don't know if it is true or not). He is also an occasional alcoholic and he gets way too drunk whenever he drinks but that is only a few times per year. How do you deal with a best friend who gets too drunk and says and does really stupid shit when they are intoxicated? Is it any better than an adderall addiction?
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This happened to me yesterday. I had written a short response but somehow it did not get saved or posted (deleted?).
It can be a frustrating experience. Has this happened to you when posting on this web site?
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Coffee
It gets me off...y
My cup is always full
And even when it's not...
Just grind more beans and make another pot
an original poem by quit-once
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The Mormon Church would certainly want you to feel guilty for drinking coffee if you were a member in good standing. Drinking hot coffee or teas containing caffeine is a full-blown sin requiring confession AND repentance to restore your member-in-good-standing status. But if you are not a Mormon, then getting everything done was a huge accomplishment worthy of pride instead of guilt.
Why do you feel that using coffee as a crutch is worthy of a potential guilt trip?
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CONGRATULATIONS FOR TWO YEARS!!
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CONGRATULATIONS FOR TWO MONTHS!
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Thanks for that clarification. I thought Halo 4 was a punk rock band or a movie or something like that!
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Hey Skeptic-
It is my understanding that adderall is not neurotoxic, while it's sinister sister methamphetamine IS neurotoxic (go figure- anything made from drano and battery acid can't be good for ya). I have not researched it, however. You have already answered your own question by stating that you still love to party with the V-pills weekly right after you said that intermittent use of adderall is a neurotoxic behavior. Again, these are your words and I don't know if that is indeed a fact that intermitent amphetime use is any worse than daily usage. I did it for at least five years just on the weekends...and my cognition on the non-adderall days slowly got worse and worse unitl I became a daily user. My cognitive abilities continued to decline until I finally quit.
I still have bad memory days or times when I just can't recall words or names I should know, or remember certain events or activities or conversations.....even passwords. Sometimes I don't do too well on a keyboard and I make lots of errors. My memory and cognition was better ten years ago than it is now, and I have been adderall-free for about a year and a half. Is my lower level of mental function due to the adderall use or is it a normal age-related decline? After all, I am pushing 50... It really does not matter because I am doing what I can to prevent further mental decline. I will say that I am functioning at a much, much higher level than when I abused adderall.
I believe one of the medically-recognized side effects of long term amphetamine abuse is memory loss...but is that permanent?
Another horrible disease that can come from abusing adderall is parkinsons disease. Remember Adolph Hitler's later film footage? Some of my recurring muscle twitches scared the hell outa me but they mostly went away after quitting.
FISH OIL is the cure for impaired cognition and poor memory. I can notice the beneficial effects of just one good dose of fish oil for several days after I take it. I really like the GNC brand triple strength fish oil capsules.
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Welcome Back, InRecovery!
I have checked your profile page several times looking for new activity but it always said "last active Aug 24" or thereabouts. I was worried that you somehow went away so I am sooo glad you are back and doin OK! Congrats on passing that test and getting into a school of your choice. One of your last posts said you were starting a new job - and then silence..... Did that job work out?
It is good to hear from you, my friend.
......quit-once.......
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Hmmm. I don't know if I can say much that will help you to make quitting less traumatic. You are certainly taking the path that most doctors would recommend - weaning down your dosages, and this will work for you because you did not abuse it. I have read posts from people who weaned and here is what I remember: at some pont you will notice a decline in your performance, and it could be at 5mg or none per day. Don't be afraid of the legal nondrug stimulants like coffee, redbull and 5hourenergy. They will get you over the hump and ease you into a life without any adderall. Yerbe Matte is good too, so is green tea. Congratulations on your decision to quit because life sucks when you need a fuckin pill just to function. Adderall quit working for me too, but I was abusing it and I had to quit cold turkey. After ten years of use, there will be both psychological and physical withdrawl issues for you to come to terms with. You will have a tough stretch ahead with some extra challenges, but I am confident you will put your adderall days behind you once and for all, and you will be better off mentally and physically for the effort. Good Luck!
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Ashley,
If you can influence even one person then you have made a difference. If the class was attentive and asking questions, then you influenced young minds and you have made a difference. It is good that you were part of a team of "addicts" who have differing addiction experiences, because the take home message for these kids is not necessarily that adderall (or whatever their drug of choice was) is a bad drug, but that addiction to anything should be avoided whenever possible. Easier said than done because most people will find themselves in the bowels of an addiction and think "how the fuck did I end up here?"
I don't know exactly why it is so therapeutic to share our addiction experiences. The "tell your story" forum on this website is by far the most popular feature and my favorite place to check for new content. I believe it is an essential part of the healing process so we can move on in life, and we grow from our addiction experiences by sharing it with others.
The faces of addiction are simply a cross-section of American society. Addicts and their drugs are demonized by our educational and religious institutions so it is easy to picture a drug addict as someone other than your uncle, teacher, or next door neighbor; but that is exactly who we are. Has anybody ever wondered why most (if not all) of the people who post on these forum boards are Americans? After all, you are reading this on the Internet.
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The good old boys who wrote the US Constitution got it right when they said we were all entitled to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". If true happiness was easy to come by (even then), they would have left out the word "pursuit".
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I have received several reports of spamming by a member named Mose Mosely. He was warned last month but continued to fling his DVD spams on several different topic posts, usually by just repeating a few words from previous posts and then inserting his spam links. I deleted some of his topics and response postings but the spam continued. One of my moderating tools bans new content from being posted by spammers. I used it for the very first time today on Mose Mosely.
We have been lucky not to have too many spammers around here. Mike, who is the founder of this web site, told me he was " kind of a purist" when it came to having no advertisements and no spam on this website. That is why I volunteered to be a moderator and the spam cop for this great web site. We got spammed pretty hard about a year ago. Thanks to all of you who reported this spam flinging bastard Mose Mosely to the moderating team and may we never hear from him again.
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I have a couple of quick thoughts for you. You have actually picked the best time to quit because you are between jobs. If you were to start a new job and then quit adderall you would not make it in your new job very long without either relapsing or getting fired. If you started a new job while in adderall recovery, your improvement and growth during adderall recovery would correspond to the growth and improvement in your new job. You might want to wait a few weeks if you can to start looking for a good job and take a low-pay bullshit job (if you are broke and need the money) until you begin to notice your own mental improvement and get better physical drive. The biggest mistake you could make is to go back on adderall, find a great job, and then either realize 1)you can't quit so there goes another two years or more of your life on adderall; or 2) find a great job, quit adderall, and not make it because the person who is on adderall is different than your real self. Adderall recovery lasted about a year for me.
Regarding your weight, do whatever you can not to eat or drink fat-making foods like sugars and starches. I gained 15-20 lbs after I quit and then lost 25 lbs the following summer.
Quitting adderall is an event. Adderall recovery is a long, slow and painful process.
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Are you taking it exactly as prescribed? or do you have an extra pill here and there or from time to time?
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L-Tyrosine is the ticket to a better mood. I take up to three 500 mg throughout the day, always on an empty stomach. I dunno what lysine is supposed to do. Tyrosine is the raw material that dopamine and seratonin are made from.
One multi with iron is plenty. Iron helps your blood to cary more oxygen and that gives you energy.
I don't like to take handfulls of pills so my preference is to take things as I think I need them, so not all at once and not everyday. If you can take them all everyday and if your stomach doesn't mind then go for it. If you can take coffee, redbull and 5hourenergy all at once that WOULD be a hell of a caffeine buzz, right?
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Coffee, Red Bull and 5 hour energy, also a good multivitamin with an iron supplement in addition to what you are already taking. Eat well and lay off the sugar. And for God's sake, don't try to take all those supps all at once or even every day. I started feeling better at 10-12 weeks and my personality and natural energy came back around nine months. Congratulations for quitting, Hleigh, and good luck. We are here for you!
This is an edit because I almost missed something. Are you taking L-Lysine not L-Tyrosine? The amino acids of choice are tyrosine or phenylalanine for a better mood.
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Meth is neurotoxic......what else would you expect from a substance made from battery acid and drano. Check out some of the quitting meth websites and you will see that their recovery process is longer and harder than adderall recovery (for most people).
Quitting Adderall Day 1
in Tell your story
Posted
Roxbury,
What a mess you have on your hands now! And its not just about you. You have a new employer who has taken a chance and hired you who will undoubtly be disapointed in your performance. You have a brother whom you have put in a very tight spot making him dole out your pills. And you are high on adderall staying up all night less than 48 hours from starting this new job, thinking you will do it just fine without adderall. Normally I don't respond to someone who writes a post when they are high because I can't be too sure they are really that serious about quitting. In your case, I can see that you really have to quit but you don't know how. Tough spot to be in. Here, I am responding to not just this topic but to all the posts you have made today, and here is my two cents:
At the level you have abused this drug, gradually reducing your dosage is really not an option, as you have stated that has been tried without success with your last job. You are going to drive your brother nuts begging for one pill at a time. I think you will have to go cold turkey, but wait till you have 2-3 days off in a row.
If you don't change your adderall-dependant behavior, you should expect the same results as you had from your last job. Using adderall in your new job and expecting a different result is simply insane. Go ahead, try to dose it down if you want but you have said yourself that just is not possible for you.
Be prepared for this new job not to work out so well as long as you are struggling with an adderall addiction. Bottom line is that you need to quit and move on with your life. Do you have to hit rock bottom and lose it all? I hope not.