Brayden

Hello everybody! I found this forum today and I am glad I am not alone. My apologies for any poor wording I have been insanely tired recently but I know what it is and I will be better soon. Ok now that that is out of the way I will start my story begins back when I was 8-9. I have ADHD big time and when I couldn't focus in class and wasn't able to get work done I was put on meds. I went through med after med as they quit helping me focus. Always being shunned in school I took shelter in learning and studying everything I could. As I entered 9th grade I went from taking 80mg concerta and 40mg adderall a day to just taking 20mg adderall xr (I only weighed 110 pounds). Adderall xr was great it helped me get things done that before would have never been possible. At first but they kept needing to raise it. I wouldn't take it unless I was in school that day so I could still get the help from this miracle drug. As time progressed I slowly started to get more depressed. Not for any other reason than I wanted to live up to my potential and I wasn't able to focus without adderall. What I hadn't understood was I wasn't even functioning with it. I am now 19 taking 60mg of adderall a day hoping that it will help me like it used to. This is not going to happen and I know it. I am noticing vision problems, paranoia, and even some hallucinations. I thought I was going insane but I never thought the adderall was the problem. I would walk into a room and out of the corner of my eye see somebody on the couch but look over and they are gone. This has happened a few times a day for months. I feel like my sleep deprivation may have been part of this though. I never thought I had a problem until that point. I now know that although I may "need" it for medical reasons I have to find a way to operate on my own without adderall or any other stimulants. I am posting here primarily to vent and get this off my chest but to also look for support as I try to take control of my life and live without these drugs. I am sure many of you have gone through worse and I am not trying to make my experience sound more important or difficult than any other. Thank you for reading this I really need some support to keep on track and not lose focus while I try to cope with living drug free. I am able to quit but I use adderall as a crutch that I put too much weight on so when things get complicated I convince myself I need it to work things out.... I guess I might have a problem now that I see what I have written... This site helped me look into my own experiences and has really helped me think.