MeAgain

I haven't posted since Day 9 when I was still very unsure I could actually quit this stuff. Now I've completed Day 19, but before anyone starts cheering, let me qualify that about a million ways. I mentioned in my first post that I am in an intensive graduate program and was only able to get 10 days off to get me through the very first part of quitting. It was suggested to me that now might not be the best time. Then I mentioned that my husband also takes Adderall and was not intending to quit along with me. At that point, it was strongly suggested to me that this too could pose a problem. And, in fact, both points were right on the money. I truly am ADD, and once school started again, I have not been able to do the work -- brain is just not cooperating, and right now I can't give it the time it needs to find its groove all by itself. To update that before moving on, I did take 2 10 mg. doses, and they helped in a kind of miraculous way. The miraculous part is that I have already been functioning normally and well in the rest of my life, having regained a clarity and perspective that Ive been missing for 3+ years. By supplementing my studying with those 10 mgs, I was able to focus in a way I hadn't been able to when I was abusing this drug by taking 20-30mg doses several times a day. My habit was to binge, and then crash, once or twice a month. I was taking at least 80 and sometimes up to 120-40 a day, extrememly dangerous levels. I will never do that again, but I also don't think I can quit taking Adderall altogether just yet, not while I'm in school, and not while it seems my marriage is, in fact, ending. I will be talking to my doctor about lowering my dose to 2 x 10mg a day, which is all I need to get a couple study sessions in, but which didn't change my personality or have me crashing throughout the day every time the drug left my system. I left him a detailed message today, but may not hear back until next week since he's at a conference. Now to the marriage. When he finally really understood that I was quitting Adderall, my also-addicted husband filled my last prescription and has been taking it. He will not give it back to me, not even in the small quanities for which I am asking. It's like he's become a human lockbox. Believe me, I never asked him to serve this function. (As I write this, I realize there can be varied interpretations of and reactions to this, but regardless I need to turn to you guys because this is the only place I have found any support for any problem surrounding the chaos that started in my life when I began abusing this drug.) Things got very, very ugly today, and I'm sorry I cant go into more datails. Among other things, he claims that he is only trying to help me, that I reneged on my committment, that I am a loser, that I am ruining our chances of ever having a good life again, and that he was going to quit also as soon as I was "really quit." Unfortunately, these sentiments did not come out of a person expressing love and concern; they were tossed out amidst screaming and raging and horrifying insults. He later went to work (graveyard) and I had to block him on the phone, the texts I was getting were so bad. I am crushed on so many levels. So much for partnership. So much for studying. So much for . . . anything. I just don't know how to cope with this. Obviously, this volatility did not just start in the last few days. There have been serious problems in my marriage for a long time, and perhaps (duh) I was (ab)using to cope. I welcome your comments whatever they may be. And if you have a few good thoughts to spare, I welcome those too. Thanks for listening.

I think I've been strong and pushing through the effects of quitting, especially for the sake of my 4yo, her Valentine's Day and Olympics parties at preschool and all the stuff that entails for a parent, etc. But today it feels like I'm having a hard time staying upright! It's not sleepiness, nor even tired exactly, just this total inability to call forth some energy. I have to take a shower now and get back to her school in time for the events (my husband took her this morning), but the thought of that much activity makes we want to cry. I'm also getting really pissed off at myself because I've been doing really well, emotionally especially. Caffeine suddenly is making me nauseous, so that's out as an alternative. Is this further drop in energy normal? What can i do? Any advice folks? Thanks for listening either way!

Thanks so much for your insights and support, Jon. I would have responded sooner, but just got through Days 1 and 2 without Adderall, and so far I am managing to stay awake for longer stretches on today, Day 3. I didn't mention that I have a couple other responsibilities which continue as I seemingly grind down to nothing. One is my precious daughter, age 4. The other is much more difficult to deal with, on or off Addy, and that's my elderly (late 80s), crotchety, currently-ailing (after a fall) mother, for whom I am fulltime caregiver. She lives with us and provides another source of drama. She has already provided enough drama this morning to last the year, and it was all I could do not to escalate the situation to kingdom come. As it is, I didn't handle it beautifully, but I'm just trying to tell myself it could have been worse. And to use it as a reminder of why Adderall and my life don't mix. As for my husband, that's a whole nother post. He's withdrawing too, cuz we both ran out, but he's in a very different headspace. Best to stay away for a few days. I was able to get 10 more days off from school, which is generous in this program. Now I just hope I'll be ale to get my head back into it when the time comes. One day at a time, I guess? Thank you for the great questions and support, oyvey and Jon. Not feeling completely alone is tremendously helpful. I will keep you posted, especially as the gears in my brain start creaking along again.

Thanks, oyvey, I haven't talked to anyone but my husband about this. But he also takes Adderall and is somewhere else in his process. Hates it but loves it, as do we all at some point, I'm starting to see. I really do want off this ride. I hate so many things about this drug, one of which is the sense of panic that starts only a few days after getting my prescription filled, because I know that once again its not going to last through the month and at some point I'll stop functioning again. I just want to be able to rely on myself again, to like myself, to accomplish things by my own God-given energy and drive, and to be genuinely tuned in to other people and to Life in general. My last pill was almost thirteen hours ago. I'm shocked that I'm not really freaking out. Apprehensive, yes, but not the panic I usually experience right about now. I'm taking that as a positive, hopeful sign.This place is truly a Godsend. Just knowing that I'm not alone is making a huge difference. Thank you again!

I have been prescribed 3 20mg tablets a day, for about 2 1/2 years, but I am never able to stick to that. I wind up averaging 4-6 pills a day, and then I crash for about a week a month. Some months I manage to run out only a couple days before my next prescription, but either way, I spend the month counting, planning, recounting when I exceed my plan . . . in other words, my life revolves around my supply of Adderall . . . how many do I have left, when will I run out, when will I get more, how will I function till then, just a cycle of insanity. I have a long history of depression, anxiety, and diagnoses of ADD and Bipolar Disorder. I planned on telling my story later in more depth, because I'd like to unravel the roots of my dependence on this pill. Right now, though, I still am struggling with this paper. I used to be a very high-energy person, without pills, but now it feels like I will never be able to get back to that -- these days I can barely move from the bed or the couch during the periods I run out. I am taking the hope I've found on this site to hang on to the belief that I might be able to get back to myself again.

Hi,Everyone! I've been reading on this site when I can since Saturday, and already I need to thank so many people for inspiring and supporting me, even though you didn't know it. I took my last pill about 5 hours ago, and the crash is starting. Unfortunately, I'm still working on the paper I wanted to finish before this dreaded moment, and it is slower and slower going. I'm enrolled in a very intense online Master's program, and I finish my current class as soon as this paper is done, which should have been last night. Part of this program's intensity is that each new 6-week class begins the day after your last one ends. No breather. So today begins a new class, right when I'm about to start withdrawing. I may have the option of postponing the class for one week, but I'm not sure if giving myself one week post-addy will be enough to help me at least wrap my head around quitting and allow me to get a game plan and, hopefully, some support. Is this just a cop-out? The other option is to start the class today, and hope it doesn't get too ahead of me before I can really jump in. Or maybe crawl in. Regardless, maybe I shouldn't be looking for a way out of anything right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!