agm1250

Thanks for the support, all. Day 1... Here goes nothing. Moving my posts over to the 30-day challenge. If I can only hit that 30 day mark I'll know I can really do this.

Hi everyone. I'd like to try again. To try harder. My last post was April 2014. Things have been not so good since then. I feel quiet tonight, solemn. I feel quiet and solemn and I don't have much to post, but here I am, and well.. I want to try. I want to try harder. Much has happened the past year and a half. I finished another year of grad school. I saw my newlywed best friend become a mom. I watched in horror and helplessness as cancer ravaged my family. I got engaged. Much has happened, and throughout it all I've laughed and I've cried. I've laughed and I've cried and I've reflected on life and love and all things good for a person in their mid-twenties. It was both inspiring and painful, this reflective process, because it forced me to feel. It forced me to acknowledge, to realize, and to feel. With bloodied knuckles and bruised bones I somehow clawed myself out the deep, dark abyss I found myself in, and well.. here I am. I'm still searching for pieces of myself -- pieces of my soul, really. I know they're somewhere around here.. I just hope I can find them all. So here I am. I'm still addicted. I go through periods of recovery but inevitably succumb to those feelings of despair and temptation, of curiousity and dependence. I'm still picking up the pieces of myself. I made a pretty big mess. But, well.. I'm here. And I'd like to try again. I'd like to try harder.

Quit-once, I'm really not sure. That's what it started to feel like this morning, because in just a few days I've fallen so far behind. That's how much work this program is. The only thing is I'm all out of pills 2 weeks before my next script because of how much I was adding on to my normal dose the past couple weeks. I could get a couple here and there from friends but not 2 weeks worth. Not without reaching out to friends of friends, anyway, which I never had to do before because I was never quite so abusive with them. Which probably explains the rock-bottom that somehow led me to stumble across this site a few days ago (still thankful for that, even now). So it looks like I screwed myself either way. I can either wait for my next script in eager anticipation and bang out finals the first half of May, or get myself into the quitting mentality as of tomorrow and just not refill my script - that is, if I can build a strong enough foundation these next couple weeks to power through finals without them. I guess I'll try to get myself in the right place mentally and physically but if my grades suffer, things are late etc., refill the script so I can do well on finals? We all know what happens with that kind of contingency plan, though. I really didn't think things through this time around...

I'm not sure how many people have heard this song on the radio, but when I heard it I thought of the struggle so many of us are going through right now. In a radio interview artist B.o.B. said the song represents "anybody who has lost control or who is spiraling out of control and who can't admit it. Who can't recognize it within themselves." I think we're all here because we did recognize it, but I like the song because it serves as a good reminder to keep moving forward. When I hear it I think of my own person struggle and everyone else on this forum - all of us from different walks of life with different situations and stories, but who have experienced those same feelings of desperation and disgust with adderall and our (ab)use. Seems like the bus moves slower Just cause you've got somewhere to go. So you take a few pills in Beverly Hills. But if anyone asks you've got a prescription. You've got an addiction. Who do you think that you're fooling? --- Everybody's addicted to something. Everybody's got to grip onto something. Even if it's just to feel the response of appeal. Maybe once, maybe twice, maybe hundreds of times. Hundreds of times. Without it, it's just harder to function at times. You race to the bottom of every single bottle As if there was someone or something to find. You're struggling in your mind And you tell yourself lie after lie. Till you get to the point where it's no longer private- The people that you work with notice the signs. When you walk in the room it gets noticeably quiet. So you break up the silence, say you've been at the gym. But the way that you look, you can't blame on the diet. John Doe, I just want the John I know...

Thank you Liltex and Justin, I'm alright. I've just been overwhelmed trying to finish up this last month of the semester and deal with the withdrawal symptoms all at the same time. This weekend I could only do one assignment, so the second one was handed in late. Yesterday I took 10mg but it's such a small dose that I honestly don't even think it did anything besides give me "peace of mind," as awful as that is to admit. I also couldn't muster up the strength, energy, motivation, etc. to do the assignment that's due for my class this afternoon, so just seconds ago I took my last 20XR and am going to miss class to finish it so I can at least e-mail it within the same day. I only have one 10mg pill left and at this rate will probably finish it today or tomorrow, to be completely honest with you guys, and as much as I hate myself for that. Maybe this wasn't the best time to quit, it being the end of the semester and all, but I really don't want to wait any longer - I know myself and the stress and pressure from finals in 2-3 weeks will just lead to another downhill spiral. I was trying hard to set a healthy foundation before I face that. I want to take all of my finals without being on adderall. I should have known how hard it would be with them still in the house, but was afraid of going cold turkey for exactly this reason. On the other hand, weaning myself off has never worked. I don't have the will power. The assignments for my Master's program are intense and time-consuming, not just busy work, which stresses me out even more. I feel like I failed and am really upset with myself. Last 2 times I tried to quit I wasn't taking such high doses right beforehand so the withdrawal wasn't as bad and I also had a break from work/school so I didn't have this pressure to hand in assignments. But I also know there's no "perfect" time to quit. I'm sorry everyone. This really sucks.

Day 4 - Not so good. Back to the drawing board I go...

FW, I wish you all the luck in the world. You're doing the right thing and it's extremely brave of you. I haven't been a member for long, but I can tell you are extremely supportive of this community and all the members that are a part of it. You were one of the first people to respond to my post just a couple of days ago, and that meant more than you can imagine because I have never joined an online community like this and was nervous about sharing so much about myself. Keep fighting and good luck! We'll be sending positive energy, thoughts, and prayers your way. Day 3: Check Exhausted even though I've gotten 12+ hours of sleep the past 2 nights. Didn't end up going out last night - didn't have the energy and was feeling extremely irritable/moody/headachy. The mood swings are actually really bothering me, so I'm going to see if I can order some natural supplements like HTP-5, L-Tyrosine, and Lion's Mane to help with that. I posted a thread in the supplements forum to see if anyone knows of any reputable brands of HTP-5. Still extremely unproductive and unmotivated as well - I have yet to do my assignments that are due tomorrow, so I'm going to see if I can get started on them now. One positive thing is I actually felt small bursts of excitement when thinking about things like summer, being done with this semester, etc. When I say small I mean small, but it was still the root of an emotion I don't think I've felt for quite some time. I also took fish oil, biotin, and a multivitamin today, and I think it might have already started to help with some of the brain fog and lack of energy. It could just be the placebo effect but honestly, that's fine with me. I'm A-ok with any phenomenon that has ability to convince me that I can actually do this.

I'm thinking about ordering some L-Tyrosine, 5-HTP, and Lion's Mane based on others' reviews in this forum. GNC doesn't sell 5-HTP... What's a reputable brand, for those taking it?

Only on day 2 but how about better breath? I've always taken care of my teeth (braces for 3 years, so a hefty investment on my parents' part) but no matter how much I brushed or used listerine it was never the same as days I wasn't taking adderall. I didn't usually notice myself, but my bf was always brutally honest with me! What even causes that? The cotton-mouth? I really hope I'm not the only one who has experienced this. That would be embarrassing haha...

Thanks ZK. Unfortunately I'll have to try to get both assignments done tomorrow. I just couldn't do it. I'm not sure how I even did yesterday's assignment on Day 1. It must have still been in my system or something. Hoping tomorrow is better. My sock drawer can stay messy for the time being as long as I can get these assignments done!

Day 2: Check Extremely tired - more so than yesterday. Vivid dreams last night. Head and limbs are heavy. Increase in appetite, no motivation to do schoolwork or anything around the house. I made a cup of coffee and am about to try to start an assignment now. Friends are texting me to see if I want to go out tonight, as it's Saturday. Part of me wants to, but I honestly don't know if I have the energy. Also, I'll probably feel even worse than this tomorrow. The thought of that gives me anxiety. I don't think I can take the abuse of alcohol on my body right now, but I'm still tempted to see how the night plays out because I worked so hard the past couple weeks and finally have a free weekend. Not sure what to do.

I just quit 2 days ago. I'm in a very demanding Master's program and hope to apply to programs to get my PhD afterwards as well. This is definitely not the most opportune time to quit - it being close to the end of the semester and all - but is there ever really a good time to quit? In my experience, no, there's not. Plus, as a PhD student you probably have research throughout the summer too, right? Or classes/some kind of dissertation work? I'm right there with you - my program runs throughout the entire summer as well. 12 weeks long with only a couple weeks off at the end of August, if that. I know EXACTLY what you mean with the whole memory thing - it's one of the reasons I quit. I was always the person people came to with questions - when is this due again? what did she say we had to do for this? Always the one on top of my game, organized, etc. This entire year in grad school I have been so forgetful. I immediately forget things that people say to me or somehow I don't even hear the instructions. Or maybe I hear them incorrectly? I'm really not sure. That's how muddled the adderall made my brain and memory. On one of my assignments last week I got a C instead of an A because I completely forgot to attach a chart that we needed. A chart that would have taken 30 seconds to attach. Was my research paper beautifully written? Of course it was. But there is absolutely no excuse for me to lose points on something like that because I either didn't hear the instructions or forgot them because I was too tweaked out on adderall. This never happened to me in undergrad either. Maybe it's the larger doses like you said, or the fact that we weren't taking it as frequently when we first started using it in undergrad. It also stopped working for me like it has for you - why should we continue to let our grades suffer when it's clearly making us less productive? If you quit now we'll be in the same boat, as I am literally just 2 days in. It's no walk in the park, but it's doable and I can truly feel that in every essence of my body. I'm about to start an assignment right now - I won't love every second of it, but I'll have to deal with that. Also, you said "adderall is what got me here in the first place." Adderall didn't get you into your PhD program, no matter what you think. It doesn't make people smarter. Those programs are so competitive - if you were accepted that means your intelligence and work ethic are a part of your being and able to be accessed in other ways. You just need to find a way to channel it into your coursework in a healthier, more natural way. You can do this!

Jess, thank you so much. Your use of the phrase "fuels the fire in me" really hits home with how I feel about adderall. Congratulations on hitting the 4 month mark! That's really great. It seems like one of the reasons we both decided to quit was the lack of emotions. I also found myself faking laughter and I hated it, especially when under normal circumstances I probably would have laughed for real. Socializing and articulating myself has also always been a strength of mine, and I would find myself feeling or sounding extremely awkward when talking to professors, colleagues, friends, etc. And I've never been an awkward person! Thanks for the words of encouragement. I really do appreciate them.

Cassie, I realized I never responded to this, but yes - he supports my quitting 100%. He hates how it sucks the life and personality right out of me. I also wasn't taking it for the first 3+ years of our relationship, so he serves as a constant reminder that I really am naturally intelligent, productive, fun etc. underneath it all - he's witnessed that side of me first-hand so I think it makes him that much more supportive of me quitting. That being said, I get the sense that a lot of people out there don't really understand the physical or mental dependence that comes along with it - especially those that have taken it a few times in the past without getting hooked. I don't think I would have either if you had talked to me a few years ago, when I took it only a few times a semester in college and then never gave it a second thought. I don't expect my boyfriend to be able to relate to what I'm experiencing 100%, because that would probably require him to be addicted as well and I don't wish that on anyone. I think our addiction is also misunderstood/underestimated because we get it from our doctors, not a sketchy looking dealer on the corner of the street at night, and because our dependency/withdrawal symptoms don't look like those depicted by Brody on Homeland. I'm thankful for that, of course, but this is not a case of "the struggle is real." This addiction, this struggle, really IS real. Which is one of the reasons I'm so glad I found this website.

Day 2 and now I know what you mean by "take it easy.." I have 2 assignments for grad school that I have to do this weekend. I should have had them done by now, along with grocery shopping, laundry, and a million other things on my over-achiever to-do list that are not even remotely necessary, but that I would like to accomplish. And that I would HAVE accomplished because that's what a Saturday is typically like for me. I sat on the couch until now, 3:30PM, exhausted and depressed about my lack of productivity, but I think I'm going to do one assignment today and one assignment tomorrow. Grocery shopping and laundry can wait until Monday, and everything else will just have to fall by the wayside for now.

Thank you so much for your support everyone. I don't know if there's a way to "tag" people's names so you can mention them in your post, but zerokewl and FW - your welcome messages really mean a lot. I'm not going to lie, I had to catch my breath at the phrase "the first few months" - to think about not taking adderall for that long makes me nervous, sad, scared, etc. But I know it needs to be done. Cassie it's so encouraging to hear you're still off it! I hope I can get there. I'll definitely read your original post. Do you still think about taking it everyday? Or do entire days go by where it's not even a passing thought? Day 1 is coming to a close and I'm feeling good about not taking it. The physical symptoms weren't as bad as I thought they would be, but my pupils were enlarged for half the day and I've still been grinding my teeth, so I have a feeling the worst is yet to come. I woke up feeling extremely groggy and sluggish - zero motivation, as was to be expected. I sat glued to this website reading others' posts for at least 3 hours because every time I started to do something else it made me want to take one. I'm also taking grad school classes and I had a 5 page paper due today that I hadn't started, so I'll admit I was THIS close to taking the last couple I have left and starting anew tomorrow. But I didn't. I decided I needed to leave the house so I drove to the computer lab at my school and wrote the paper there. It was a difficult and frustrating process considering my mind was foggy and I had a massive headache - I was probably still coming down off my 210mg binge yesterday - but ironically enough I still finished it much more quickly than I would have had I been on addy. I also think it was equally, if not better, quality work because I was able to be concise without going off on tangents and overthinking every single word of every single sentence. I honestly didn't think I had it in me. I don't remember the last big assignment I did without adderall and when I left I felt extremely empowered. Miserable, but empowered. The last 2 times I tried to quit I did so when there was a lull in school and work, so I literally sat around wallowing in my sorrows. I think the fact that I had a deadline and was out of the house up and moving really helped, even though I felt miserable throughout it all. By dinner I was flushed and felt a strange rush of heat come over me, almost like a hot flash. I'm 26 so it can't possibly be that. Has anyone experienced anything like that in the first couple days?

I'm only on Day 1 of being adderall-free but as of now I can immediately say COFFEE! I genuinely enjoy a good cup of coffee in the morning but stopped drinking it because its acidity interfered with the effectiveness of my adderall. So today when I woke up and started to think about adderall I got myself excited about a good old fashioned cup o' joe, and now I realize how much I've missed it!

This is Day 1 for me. My story is similar to many of the others I've read on here in that I'm not sure how this happened or how I let my adderall abuse get to this point. I've always been a sociable, outgoing, and lively person. Always the fun, down to earth one that people genuinely enjoyed being around. A good student - excellent even. Graduated from college with honors and everything. The strangest thing to me about all of this is I had taken adderall occasionally in college for stuff like all-nighters and never got addicted or had the urge to take it unless I really needed it. I took it maybe 3 - 4 times throughout an entire semester and only a small dose when I did - 20mg tops, XR or IR. I would get them from friends and if a friend gave me 2 or 3 and I only needed one, the others would sit in my room for months on end and I wouldn't even think about them. Sometimes I forgot they were even there. I didn't use adderall at all for about a year and a half after graduation - I didn't really have access to it anymore and never was addicted in college so it didn't bother me not to have it. I wasn't about to go searching for it. At work I had to do projects that took hours on end - in addition to cold-calling - I had a lot of responsibility, long hours, etc. so it was very high-stress. I felt like I didn't have enough hours in the day. One day last February I was with a friend who was prescribed adderall and asked her for one to finish my latest project. She gave me a 20XR and the next day was one of the most productive and profitable days since I had started at the company - no surprise there. I started to get them from my friend regularly because she didn't take them everyday either. I would only take it once a week at first, then twice a week, then even more frequently than that until I decided to get my own script so I would have more available to me, "just in case". 10mg IR twice a day. I thought to myself such a tiny dosage - where's the shame in that? But I was embarrassed to fill it every month - I knew I didn't really need it when there are people out there who really do and also felt guilty and weak for using it as crutch when I've gotten by just fine all these years. So I would fill it every 2 to 3 months and continue to get more from friends - I had expanded my network at this point to make sure I had a few different friends I could get them from. I think in a twisted kind of way the fact that I wasn't filling my own script every month made me believe I wasn't truly addicted. I don't know when the "light switch" was flipped (in my mind I always try to pinpoint when exactly the addiction started), but I found myself starting to think about it consciously and A LOT on days I wouldn't take it. In retrospect I think that came before the physical dependency in terms of fatigue, depression, etc. I would get to work and perform just fine, but all I would think about was the fact that I didn't take one, that maybe I should have, and that if I did a good job I would reward myself by taking one tomorrow. Long story short, my life started to revolve around the adderall. It made me feel happy and productive, and due to my over-achiever/workaholic nature I found myself perfectly content with popping an adderall (or 2 at this point) and spending an entire weekend working on stuff for work or random projects, even if it meant canceling on friends and not doing things I used to love, like exercising, shopping, or listening to music. My abuse just continued to get worse and worse until I found myself here, at this point. I've lost 20 pounds since I first started using when I was thin to begin with and have no desire to do anything I used to enjoy. The past couple months I noticed it's been worse than ever - I feel extremely depressed and disconnected from my friends and family, cry for no reason, etc. I used to be able to fake it and fool everyone by putting on a happy face and blaming the bags under my eyes and the sunken cheeks on stress from my long hours at work and the demanding nature of my job, but lately I can't or don't even care to. A couple weeks ago my favorite song came on the radio and it didn't stir a single feeling in me, not even a little bit, and when I realized that it struck something in me and I began to cry and cry. I'm so numb and emotionless that I find myself questioning my role in this world and the purpose of working, choosing the career that I did, etc. I'm not questioning whether or not I should be here on this earth, but rather why I'm here and what I'm meant to accomplish. My thoughts are not suicidal in any way, shape, or form - but whereas in the past I would move through life with force and direction and passion, I feel like now I'm just going through the motions with no real meaning behind anything I do. I tried to quit two times in the past - the first was in December. I realized I wanted to FEEL. I wanted to experience life without adderall numbing it away. I lasted 10 days. The second time was about a month ago, when I lasted another 11 days. Yesterday I took 80mg. Three days ago I took 60mg and didn't feel anything, so the next day I took 70mg and felt a TINY jolt of a high that I hadn't experienced in months. That's why I took 80mg yesterday, but instead of making me feel that jolt again it just made me feel like an overly-focused zombie who hadn't slept in days. Last night I looked over at my boyfriend of 5 years who I love more than anything and who had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for me to come watch our favorite tv show, which yet again hadn't happened because I had lost track of time and didn't really want to "waste" my adderall on doing something "unproductive". This description doesn't even scratch the surface of the physical and emotional toll this drug has taken on me, but I think many of you know what I'm experiencing and how much of my life it has consumed. I woke up this morning feeling awful, which I deserve, and of course the only thing I want to do right now is pop an adderall to get through the day. The last two times I quit I found I was able to fight through the physical part, but once that passed and I felt stronger and healthier due to more sleep and better nutrition the mental addiction kicked in and I would think about how much BETTER I would feel with some adderall in my system. It would probably give me the same high I used to get when I first started taking it AND I wouldn't get addicted because I was able to stop for 11 whole days, right? Wrong. Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I've never talked about it before and I guess I had a lot to get off my chest. I stumbled across this website around 4am when I was up and couldn't sleep last night due to the horrible comedown. It seemed like a really supportive, nonjudgmental forum, so after reading through post after post I decided today would be the day I quit. Thank you all for that. I'm determined to find the "old me" that I hope and pray is still somewhere inside me, buried underneath the dopamine deficiency, malnutrition, depression, and anxiety. I want my life back.