Depression sets back in

[NotToday]

Every time I think I am making progress I just fall right back into this pit of despair. I'm sick of this depression and I can't help but wonder sometimes if I fucked my brain up for good. I feel so alone and it really is all my fault because I chose to spend years isolating myself on this horrible fucking drug. I had a great life at one point and i threw it all away, and for what?! For the sake of productivity and my ego? What's worse is I had a great boyfriend who only wanted to help me and I wouldn't even admit that I had a problem because I could not let go of this FALSE image I had built with adderall. I would literally give ANYTHING to go back in time and change the path I took. It took months for the fog to clear after stopping but now having to see just how far down the rabbit hole that shit took me is almost more than I can bare. 9 months in, beautiful weather on a Saturday afternoon and I just want to go back to bed. FML

 

[bluemoon]

It's ok Nicole, I know exactly how you're feeling!! When I was at 9 months I thought what the hell... 9 months and I still pretty much wanted to die. I thought it was never going to get any better. I'm at 17 months now, and I definitely am a lot better now than I was at 9 months. I have more motivation, I have hope, and I don't feel all that bad anymore. I still feel like I have more improvement to make, but I sure have come a long way in the last few months. What I found has helped me is exercise, eating better, and I started seeing a counsellor a couple months ago. I resisted seeing a counsellor for the longest time, I thought nobody could help me. But counselling has given me hope and the ability to recognize my negative thoughts and turn them into more positive ones. It isn't always easy and I'm still a work in progress, but I promise it does get better!

However, unfortunately, when I was feeling my lowest, there wasn't anything anyone could say or do to change my frame of mind. I basically just wanted to tell everyone to shut up because they didn't understand lol. I wish I could help more, but just hang in there and give it TIME, and it will get better! Consider seeing a counsellor if you can (and find a good one), I really think it helped me get over that hump and it got me feeling a bit less depressed, a bit more hopeful and a bit more positive. I still have my bad days but they are not as often and not as bad.

Since the weather is nice, maybe you could set up a spot outside and listen to some music and just chill out there for a bit. Even if it's just for 20 minutes. Small steps! Thinking of you. Happy Easter

[NotToday]

Thanks @bluemoon, I really do appreciate the words of encouragement. Hearing that it gets better is the only thing that keeps me going some days. I was definitely expecting to be feeling better at this point and sometimes the road ahead just seems too long. My mom even suggested I consider being hospitalized for my depression cause she doesn't know what else she can do to help me at this point. That makes me feel all the more pathetic and in those moments I find it hard to be proud of the progress I have made. I was actually seeing a counselor for a few months but it was set up by my EAP and it was too much along the lines of 'only god can save you' so I quit going. I should have made an effort to find a new one but now that you suggest it, I'm definitely going to start looking again. I really am willing to try anything lol.

Happy Easter to you!

 

 

[NotToday]

I met with a new counselor this morning. She's really easy to talk to. I'm excited to start working with her.

[bluemoon]

Yay!! That's awesome. I've been to a few different ones myself and it took a few tries for me to find one I liked. I'm glad you found one you like  

[Danquit]

I went through the same thing at 9 months. It does get better, I am coming up on my 12 month anniversary and I honestly feel pretty good. I am still extremely lazy and unmotivated, but I have hope now. The depression just kinda lifted one day and I think it just happens naturally. There are still some depressing days but more like how a normal person goes through life. Just hang in there and take it one day at a time and remind yourself to live in the present. There is nothing more than this exact moment in time. You will get better.

[NotToday]

Thanks @Danquit. It really does make me feel better. I truly believe if it weren't for this site, I would have relapsed by now. As miserable as this process has been, I can keep going knowing that it does get better. 

And wow, 1 year is a big one! Seriously, congrats!! 

[NotToday]

I just have to share this, because I literally cried tears of happiness this morning. My therapist had me do this personality test. It had one page for strengths and another for weaknesses. There were 4 adjectives going across and I had to pick the one that best described myself. She said to think back to when I was a child and not my current situation. I struggled so bad trying to figure it out because I still feel like I have identity crisis from the adderall. My mom helped me fill it out and it really made me realize that I've always been outgoing, loud, friendly and yea I've always been disorganized and messy and not too goal oriented. But overall, i was a fun person before this happened and was never the cold, isolated, serious person adderall made me. And the depression I've experienced since quitting doesn't define me either. While I've been sitting around thinking I've ruined my life and feeling guilty for all the years I neglected the relationships with the people closest in my life, all I needed to do was reach out and try to reconnect. I've been wondering how to make new friends when I already have a ton!! Like wth is wrong with me?!? lol I already reached out to two old friends today and have dinner plans with both of them. I know this probably seems like the lamest post, but I've been in such a dark place the last year that I couldn't imagine letting anyone in. Idk I hope this is the turning point I needed. I feel full of hope today and all it took was this simple personality quiz...

[NotToday]

These forums have more or less become my way of journaling my experiences in recovery, so just want to get this out. I mentioned in my previous post that I had decided to reach out to some old friends. I decided to create a new Facebook (deactivated my old one years ago and figured I could use a clean slate). Well today, my ex texted me asking if I had created a new one thinking I had just deleted him from my last account. We hadn't talked for several months after he told me he was seeing someone new. It really crushed me even though I know that if I were him I would have left me too.,. We made small talk and I mentioned that I would really like the chance to explain some things, Ive talked about it on here before, but basically he never knew about my adderall addiction. He thought I had a drinking problem because of how much I was drinking when I came down. Even after a year, it literally takes everything I have to not completely break down when I talk to him. I don't know how long this will hurt for but I really pray that I can move past this and let go of all the guilt I've been carrying. Even though he says he forgives me I can't seem to forgive myself...

[NotToday]

Yesterday was 11 months adderall free for me so just wanting to check in. I've been feeling pretty good these last few weeks. Happy that time also seems to go much faster than it did in the beginning. I did end up seeing my ex, and I finally got to tell him the truth about what was really going on when we were together. I definitely think that it has brought me a bit of closure and more acceptance for the situation. I also got together with some old friends and opened up to them about everything. Gosh it is so nice to have the unconditional support of good friends, don't know why I was so withdrawn for so long. Took a week vacation to myrtle beach which was REJUVENATING. I came back with a renewed motivation for continuing to work my way through the mess I've created. The nice weather is also helping and looking forward to some fun summer festivities. Hope all is well with everyone!! Keep on with good fight  

[bluemoon]

9 hours ago, Nicole88 said:

Yesterday was 11 months adderall free for me so just wanting to check in. I've been feeling pretty good these last few weeks. Happy that time also seems to go much faster than it did in the beginning. I did end up seeing my ex, and I finally got to tell him the truth about what was really going on when we were together. I definitely think that it has brought me a bit of closure and more acceptance for the situation. I also got together with some old friends and opened up to them about everything. Gosh it is so nice to have the unconditional support of good friends, don't know why I was so withdrawn for so long. Took a week vacation to myrtle beach which was REJUVENATING. I came back with a renewed motivation for continuing to work my way through the mess I've created. The nice weather is also helping and looking forward to some fun summer festivities. Hope all is well with everyone!! Keep on with good fight  

Yay!! Glad to hear you're doing well!! Your post made me wanna give you a big hug and hang out lol. The nice weather definitely helps. I was sober last summer but still too early along in my recovery to enjoy the summer. This summer has definitely been way better and I am actually feeling happy and enjoying it. Wait, what did I just say?? I feel happy?? I didn't think that would ever happen.