Follow up

[jmac]

I dont even remember how long its been since my first post talking about quitting. Probably a little over a year.

Anyway that story was kinda bullshit. Yeah I was at an all time low with adderall, but I knew I wasn't about to just stop taking it. And I didn't. I actually kept it going for another year or so but with twists. Yeah I hit even more lows, that made my first one seem like a practice lap. Yuck. But what was even worse was that I think I had found my sweet spot. I dosed it down to a manageable dose where I could function yet still have an "edge". Just enough focus to be that driven guy without being too weird. Appetite was in check and I was looking good. No more staying up all night, or drinking like a fish... I was basically a normal dude that just kicked ass at work and thought he was slightly awesome. But still guilty.

But I had to quit. Literally, I no longer have a source for it. After so many talks and arguments with my family, I lost my insured status for scrips. I dreaded in the back of my mind waiting for my last script to go through at the pharmacy hoping that it was just a bluff, or scare tactic. No it was totally real when the girl at the counter told me quizzically that my insurance must have expired, while I feigned my surprise and struggled to realize my new reality. It was really fucking gone.

I'll be honest, it's been over a month now, and I still dont really feel like its gone forever. My "recovery" hasn't really felt like that. I still think about adderall at least once a day, and have schemes in the back of my head to find another way to have a legitimate method to get it again, but it's too half hearted to be real. I'm kind of happy that I'm off it and don't have the guilt anymore especially at work on my good days, but at the same time the lack of feeling anything almost doesn't feel worth it. I'm not making excuses for myself but I'd be ignorant to not see that I've replaced the void of adderall with a lot of drinking. I'm almost terrified of being sober because of the feeling of wishy washiness. By that I mean I'm too lazy to do anything productive, yet still terribly anxious about not completing anything. I put on like an instant 15 lbs (which I still don't quite understand) which adds to the suckiness. Seriously my diet didn't change much and my face bloated out so much my mom thought I looked like a different person. It's not as bad now but I still want that adderall skinny look.

I wanted to follow up because I think I'm in a real pickle right now. I'm no longer taking it, against my will, and I don't know what to do or how to feel. Even cold turkey I had maybe a day or two of sleeping then it was over. I've had worse waiting for a new script when I blew through a month's worth in 2 weeks. Probably in my head but I figured the actual, real deal, surprise cold turkey would be worse... not just a few mediocre days of being extra tired followed by a sea of dullness.

I have days where I feel some spunk and a new attitude at work etc, but lately most of the time I feel directionless and exhausted of hope. I've been trying to convince myself I'm not that depressed, but I can't recall any other time I felt such real emptiness, self apathy and complete loss of ego. Some of it is nice in a sad way because I treat it as a reminder of the bullshit I believed about myself on adderall, but at the same time I hope that everything I'm thinking about myself right now can't be true because it makes me feel like a total piece of shit loser.

I'm about to go to bed but I'd appreciate some thoughts when I read this in the morning.

[quit-once]

I remember your posts from a year ago, JMAC. I remember the well-written posts and yours were long, but good reading.

You are not in a good place, my friend. I don't have any solutions, either...only a little feeedback for ya.

Normally I would say congratulations for quitting and being adderall free for a month. But in your case, you really didn't choose to be that way. Your addiction simply has not ran its full course...yet. In your mind, the solution to your current problems would be more adderall and a regular stream of it, right?

I didn't read anything...not ONE FUCKING THING in your post that said how bad your addiction was or why you hate the drug adderall. One of your last sentences said it made you believe bullshit about yourself, whatever that means. I read that you would blow through a script in two weeks, but not that you really hated that, either.

So now you are at a fork where your life can go one of three ways:

You can stay where you are, jonesing for adderall and wallowing in your laziness, depression and fatness. Not a good place by any measure and it will eventually lead to another addiction (alcohol, meth, etc) and maybe the full circle back to more adderall abuse.

You can give in to the temptations of the adderall calling you back and figure out a new way to get it. Go back to your addiction for however long you need to be there until you find your rock bottom. Let the addiction finish running its course. You might have to loose a job, a girlfriend, piss off your family and chase away your friends. You might have to go into debt to afford the adderall and all the stupid shit it makes you do and buy. You might have to make a lot more bad decisions influenced by a drug. You might have to suffer some serious health problems or develop a mental illness. You have all of these things and more to look forward to if you return to the adderall!

Option 3 is to accept your quit for the better and move on with life. That will take the most work and effort on your part. If you choose this path, it won't be easy. It will take a lot of soul searching, self acceptance and looking forward not back at your glorious addiction. We can help you with some of that on this web site but you might even need more help that that with one on one therapy or counseling. You could start by making a list of why you would never want to return to your addiction and the bad things about your adderall abuse.

At this point it sounds like if you could just get your hands on more adderall you would take them and not worry about the future for now. What will it take to change that mindset, jmac?

[Cassie]

Hi jmac. Is this the longest you've gone without Adderall? It takes waaay longer than a month to feel better. Those of us who have been sober a long time will tell you it takes about three months to get out of the physical withdrawal and initial fog of depression, followed by another six months or so of feeling empty inside (but not physically tired), and after a year we felt mostly normal again with a few bad days here and there. If you're having trouble with quitting motivation, maybe make a list of all the bad things about Adderall and read and re-read them. Realize all the negative aspects of it. When I quit, I told myself it was just for a year, and after a year I'd allow myself to go back on it if I still felt horrible. That way it didn't feel like I was making a lifelong decision, but long enough to see if I really 'needed' Adderall. I mean, what's a year out of your entire life? After a year you will feel mostly recovered and won't want to go back. But you have to want to try that experiment.

[Heather67]

Yuppers Cassie ....make that list of the bad is a great idea....and remember anything you think is good.....is you buying your own bullshit!!! ITS FAKE....PSUEDO...AND HAS ABSOLUTELY.NOTHING TO DO WITH.HOW GREAT YOU ARE. HOW U CAN ACE A TEST...CLEAN A HOUSE ...OR BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY...ITS A COMPLETE FASADE!!!!! YET WE SELL IT AS HOW WE ARE ....REALLY. ITS AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OVER PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY MUCH BETTER THAN WE ARE WHEN WE USE. NO WAY TO CANDY COAT THAT SHIT. SORRY.THATS NOT HOW I WANNA PUT MY HEAD DOWN ON A.PILLOW AT THE END OF A DAY....THOUGH I DID FOR YEARS...DONT PLAN ON RE LIVING BEING THAT SHALLOW.

[jmac]

So to update, I'm close to the 3 month mark. I feel good more often. I'm normal alert and able to get things done etc, albeit with coffee. And lots of it.

Some days though, the lethargy is out of control, and no sleep or coffee can get me out of it. I just don't care about anything on those days. Other days I'm not as affable and I feel some of the same social paranoia I had when tweaked out. These rough days are so hard to get through, and more importantly to understand.

I'm thinking of speaking with my doc tomorrow to see if Wellbutrin is worth a shot. Seems like a suitable non-adderall alternative that should help me quit smoking too.

Thoughts?

[coach_fran]

jmac,

Would it make sense to you if I told you my house was on fire and that in order to put it out, I was going to try kerosine instead of gasoline? My friend, you don't need it. Your latest post just proved that to us. You're feeling better, your energy is progressively increasing, the social phobias are going away, etc. There is one path to ever feeling 100% like yourself again and you're on it. Does that make it easy? Hell no. When someone takes this stuff over the course of several months or years, it physically alters your brain's chemistry - this is why the depression lingers, the apathy won't go away, and the low energy seems to never end. Your brain has literally changed in some significant ways. The great part is that the human brain is wonderfully adaptive and it does repain itself through a process called plasticity. What you're feeling now, difficult as it is to deal with, is your brain rewiring. Stay the course my friend and don't opt for remedicating unless it's an option of last resort... it gets better than you know.

I speak from personal experience here too when I say that though it seems tough right now, the challenges you're facing are some of the biggest opportunities for incredible personal growth. Struggle and hardships take us to a place nobody ever wants to go but if we're to ever really change the brokeness and character patterns that got us there in the first place, it is the most necessary thing in the world and its result is a happier, more satisfied, more fulfilled you. That for me was the #1 lesson of my 3-year addiction to Adderall - that pain, if we let it, can truly be the most redemptive force in the world. You're worth it man. Stay the course. If you want this bad enough, you're gonna make it.

- Coach Fran