32 months clean but still don’t feel my best

[nomorespeed]

I am 32 months clean from adderall, still feel depressed and not feeling like my old self before taking adderall. Can Paws last longer 3 years? I drank alcohol during my recovery, I’m thinking that has hindered my brain from fully recovering. I have quit all substances besides caffeine, and I also have found out I have mild sleep apnea. So that could be why I don't feel my best. I have had good days but it has been a long time. I switch my forms of caffeine sometimes. Coffee makes me feel strung out and on edge but gets me through the day. I try to just drink vitamin caffeine drinks like Zipfiz or Celsius but I don't feel the energy like i get from coffee. Caffeine is honestly the only thing that is getting me through my days. Im still in college but graduate in Fall. I hope I can figure all of this stuff out, its been rough but i know how it feels to be back to yourself. I quit back in 2018 for a year and felt like I returned to normal and felt amazing but ending up feeling so good that I got back on them and abused them for 2 more years heavily. I will not loose hope or faith. I know it will happen. 

[sirod9]

Do you always feel this way, or do you just have "slumps" short periods of time where you feel like crap.

[nomorespeed]

On 2/17/2023 at 1:57 PM, sirod9 said:

Do you always feel this way, or do you just have "slumps" short periods of time where you feel like crap.

For the most part all the time. I have had good days but it has been a long time. I have changed up my diet from time to time and have found out I have mild sleep apnea so those could be factors. 

[sirod9]

So, I had to go back and read your story before I replied. First off, congratulations on getting so much time under your belt. That is huge! I took very high doses too, and went cold turkey, it is not an easy route. You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you, but I bet you feel so low that you can't see that. Okay, from reading your story, it seems like you have had some pretty big realizations about how you handled day to day life. Such as the addictions to video games, porn, escapism through social media. Being able to recognize this is a positive thing and a huge opportunity. I feel like our society doesn't give young folks, or older folks, any emotional support. We have to find support ourselves.

I don't think your situation is post acute withdrawal. Possibly unearthing the reasons behind your addictive behavior can be like shadow work, and if we don't have the tools to make changes and get proper support, we are left with the thing we were trying to escape this whole time, ourselves, the moment, some deep seated sense of unworthiness. Which is all the stuff we need to heal in ourselves. the "thing" that pushed us to using, which we are often unconscious of.

In short, I think you are "in between" a realization that you have always escaped through various means (including adderall), and truly understanding the reasons why you escaped and healing those parts of you. This stuff does not happen over night and you should seek out support. Proper counseling (finding a good counselor that doesn't just want to push prescriptions on you). Something like psychotherapy. Also, if you have ever had interest in amazon plant medicines, or have been called in any way to these modes of healing, you should look into that. Ayahuasca helped me immensely. But if not, there are other ways.

Either way, I think quitting drinking and smoking, continuing to get proper nutrition and exercise, and getting proper assistance to help you heal your emotional world will be what ultimately serves you having a good life. Also, be really kind to yourself, because the relationship you have with yourself, is the most important relationship you will every have.

Wishing you peace.

[nomorespeed]

7 hours ago, sirod9 said:

So, I had to go back and read your story before I replied. First off, congratulations on getting so much time under your belt. That is huge! I took very high doses too, and went cold turkey, it is not an easy route. You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you, but I bet you feel so low that you can't see that. Okay, from reading your story, it seems like you have had some pretty big realizations about how you handled day to day life. Such as the addictions to video games, porn, escapism through social media. Being able to recognize this is a positive thing and a huge opportunity. I feel like our society doesn't give young folks, or older folks, any emotional support. We have to find support ourselves.

I don't think your situation is post acute withdrawal. Possibly unearthing the reasons behind your addictive behavior can be like shadow work, and if we don't have the tools to make changes and get proper support, we are left with the thing we were trying to escape this whole time, ourselves, the moment, some deep seated sense of unworthiness. Which is all the stuff we need to heal in ourselves. the "thing" that pushed us to using, which we are often unconscious of.

In short, I think you are "in between" a realization that you have always escaped through various means (including adderall), and truly understanding the reasons why you escaped and healing those parts of you. This stuff does not happen over night and you should seek out support. Proper counseling (finding a good counselor that doesn't just want to push prescriptions on you). Something like psychotherapy. Also, if you have ever had interest in amazon plant medicines, or have been called in any way to these modes of healing, you should look into that. Ayahuasca helped me immensely. But if not, there are other ways.

Either way, I think quitting drinking and smoking, continuing to get proper nutrition and exercise, and getting proper assistance to help you heal your emotional world will be what ultimately serves you having a good life. Also, be really kind to yourself, because the relationship you have with yourself, is the most important relationship you will every have.

Wishing you peace.

All of that makes so much sense! I appreciate the reply.