Counting down the days.

[Johnny]

To put simply: I loathe adderall. Seriously, if adderall was a person, I'd punch him/her in the face - multiple times. My story is pretty much the same as everyone's. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 3.5 years ago and was prescribed 15mg XR right off the bat. Now, 3.5 years later, I still take about 10-20mg daily. I know this doesn't seem like the highest dose/day but I am ridiculously sensitive to adderall. I don't know if it's because my brain just normally produces an extremely low amount of dopamine/norepinephrine, but I can take 5mg once, maybe twice, per day and be up for 24+ hours. Regardless of the dosage, I'd always experience the same, horrible, negative effects coming down. I'd lose my voice. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't want to talk to anyone/be near anyone. I'd be the most unnecessarily irritable person. If someone even made the slightest movement or sound, my anxiety would go through the roof, and I'd want to punch them in the face (Sorry about all the punching references. I'm not an aggressive person by any means, but adderall just turned me into a huge, emotionless jerk). Basically, name any negative side-effect of adderall, and I experienced it. I've practically had a constant head-ache, day after day, for about 3 years straight because of the extreme dependance I've developed. It horrible! The only positive part of my adderall usage is that I have always been pretty safe about using it as directed. I would rarely take more than I was prescribed and never ran out of a prescription before the end of the month.

In terms of school, adderall was exactly what I needed to do well in college. But I PROMISED myself before I even started taking it that I'd stop after college. Seemed like no problem at the time but that was 3-4 years ago. Now, I'm 100% addicted and quitting is the last thing my brain wants me to do. It's physically and mentally destroying me. I have lost so many wonderful things in my life solely because of that damn orange pill. I lost friends. I've lost my personality. I even lost the love of my life. It's terrible! My relationship with my girlfriend was the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I ruined it. Well, adderall destroyed it. It turned me into the worst boyfriend ever. We fought constantly. I completely distanced myself from her. I was always irritable and melodramatic. I'd say the meanest things (I don't even know WHY I even said some of the things I said. I just completely lost the ability to filter my words). I barely even showed any interest in her. I don't blame her at all for breaking up with me, I would have never put up with me if I were in her shoes. I tried explaining to her that the reason I've been so different was 100% because of adderall and that I was addicted to it but she never really listened (which sucks because it took a really long time to openly admit to someone else that I had a problem). She thought I was just using that as an excuse to get myself out of trouble, but I was dead serious. She just had absolutely no idea how severe the side effects actually are. If only she knew. I wish she could just experience what I was going through and then she would realize that everything negative about our relationship was because of adderall. Apologies for the detailed relationship rant but the above situation is the primary reason why I am on this page.

I am 100% committed to quitting this god-awful drug. Seriously, enough is enough. I know it's going to be extremely hard, but I have no other option...I have to get back myself and all of the things I've lost. The only thing that's keeping from quitting at the moment is that I have to take the MCAT in a few weeks and if I quit now, I won't be able to get ANY studying done and I'll just be a mess. And actually, as miserable as it has been studying for this test for the past few months, I'm not even excited to get the test over with, I'm just excited to stop taking adderall. Seriously, I am anxiously counting down the days until I can stop taking it. And I'm actually really, really excited to quit. For good.

That's all I'm gonna write for now because I'm about to fall asleep writing this senta...

[Mike]

Hey Jon!

It's so hard to explain to others just how drastically Adderall alters your personality, especially if they have nothing to compare it to. At least, if you start Adderall in the middle of a relationship, the person can notice the changes and be aware of the contrast. But if they don't even know what you look like off it, they'll just think it's how you are, for better or worse (in your case, worse).

Most of those people think of Adderall like a medicine, not realizing how much like a drug it is. They may have tried something else like Prozac and assume the effects are of similar nature and intensity...but they have no idea.

I feel really bad you had to go through that. You still have the option of showing her who you can be without Adderall, but it may be a while after you quit before you feel like you have the strength for that.

Right now she thinks Adderall is an excuse, but she hears you keep referring back to it. If you were to call her one day and say "I quit" I think at least part of her brain would be curious to see if you were right...to see if it really was the pills. There's a second chance in that curiosity for you. And if she really is the love-of-your-life type, you have much better odds of being able to win her back than you may think.

Or, you don't. Keep in mind that when you quit Adderall, your preferences change drastically about everything, including the opposite sex. If you were to ask me what my ideal girl looked like when I was on Adderall, and then again when I had spent some time off it...my answer would be COMPLETELY different. Like polar opposite.

So take that for what you will.

Anyhow, good luck on quitting. Post updates!

[Johnny]

Thanks Mike. It feels extremely good to know that there are people who know exactly what I'm talking about. Even though I already knew (after going through everyone's posts) that there were others going through the same situation, it's comforting to get a direct response to my exact situation.

In response to what you said: I, personally don't expect my taste in women to change at all. We started dating when I was taking adderall, however, it was WELL before I started to experience the negative side effects (in terms of my personality), and before I even considered myself to be even remotely addicted. I don't know how to explain it, I guess. I just know that during the times when I'd stop taking it for a few weeks, my personality would instantly come back and I'd seem to love the things I used to even more than before (especially with feelings towards her). Your post relating to the push-pull effects adderall has on relationships pretty much described my situation to a T. The only thing that was different for me was that when I'd stop taking it, even for just a day, I'd instantly transform into the "pull" type of person. My sex drive would come back in full force and my ability to show any type of affection became effortless. However, I don't consider it to be because I was just masking all of the issues I knew I had I had to deal with - those were just my true emotions coming out.

What seemed to make matters worse was that I wouldn't always tell her when I was on adderall, even though she made it very clear to tell her when I was (so she would know what to expect). I played it off to her as if I didn't take it often, but only because I'm embarrassed to admit that I even take it in the first place (if that makes sense). So anytime I was irritable or anytime we would fight when she didn't know I had taken adderall, I figure she just assumed that was a part of who I was. But if she only knew.

I know I've said this in my last post, but it was late and I didn't get to write exactly what I wanted to write. BUT the turning point for me was when she explained that "adderall was apart of who I was." Damn was that hard to hear. So, I came to this site to prove to her, and myself, that she was wrong. So very wrong.

Some other things I wanted to say relate more to the specific side effects of adderall. I am just curious to see if anyone else has experienced these:

1) When I first started taking adderall, write essays and papers suddenly became extremely easy. I could sit down and write a well-written 4-5 page paper in just a few hours. This was how it was for about 2.5 years. Now, writing papers has become one of the hardest things for me to do. I over think every single sentence I write; "Does that make sense? No, that doesn't flow right. Should this be apart of a new paragraph? This is absolute garbage. Delete. etc." While I was this peculiar about details when I started taking adderall, I never over-thought it to the extent where it'd take me and hour to decide how to re-word a single sentence. I could sit down in a library for 8+ hours and only write a half page. Seriously, I bet the people next to me were thinking "this guy has been here forever and I haven't seen him write a single sentence." Suddenly a 4-5 page paper would take me a week+ to write. It was like my writer's block would get exponentially worse every time I took adderall.

2) Rather than adderall boosting my confidence, I have slowly become more and more paranoid about everything and I seem to always assume the worst about any possible situation. For example, if my gf was out with some friends, I'd constantly think that she was doing something promiscuous. I couldn't stop thinking about it and my anxiety would rise ridiculously. Five minutes would feel like and hour. But I've never, ever been like this! I've never really had any insecurities or self-confidence issues until I started taking adderall.

3) Did anyone seem to lose their voice on adderall? Anytime I take it and go long periods without talking, the pitch in my voice changes completely. It's really bizarre, and it only happens if I don't talk.

Thanks for reading and apologies for any typos or things that don't make sense! I haven't gone back over my post and don't plan on it, haha.

[matilda]

Hi Johnny!

I totally relate to what you're writing about, and to answer your question -- yes, yes and yes in terms of the three things you pointed out as symptoms noted over time. Especially with #1 and 2, both of which I wrote about on my thread the other day. I was SURE my bf was seeing someone else and confronted him twice about it in the last 6 months or so. Luckily, I've now gone off the crank and am acting much more normal in that department. He seemed puzzled and amused those times, but I'm sure that would have become very old very fast had it continued apace.

Keep talking about this -- it's helping all of us, too -- if you like.

Best,

M

[Alliee]

I became very paranoid on adderall over time. By the end it was mild paranoia. I was so insecure about my boyfriend still loving his ex. I would fight with him until he was backed into a corner (not literally). It was insane

My voice got lower.. and slower.. it was strange. My voice was normally high and soft so I kind of liked it lower. I'm not taking adderall anymore and my voice is back to normal. I feel like i've been hit by a train and done something really wrong. It's like.. "woah guys... I don't know what I was thinkin. I'm sorry."

[Alliee]

I loath Adderall also. The effects it had on me through everyone in my life are real, destructive, and undeserved.