2 Months Clean (well almost) Update

[Tomasso]

Alright so it's time for an update.

My last pill was December 14th, which I took before my last final exam.

I went from then until January 26th without taking a pill. That's about 44 days, or a month and a half.

I finally caved for a 6v6 soccer match on Saturday Jan 26, I can't remember exactly my dosage but I estimate either 5-10MG. I also took 10MG for a soccer match on the next Saturday, February 4th.

So in 65 days total, (December 14 - February 17), I have taken my pill on only 2 occasions. Not bad. So now that you have an idea of what my cycle has been like logistically, I'm going to talk about each area of my life and how the lack of Adderall has effected it.

First, let's talk about academics. The amount of time I dedicate to studying has declined significantly, but at least it's not at zero. Fortunately, I haven't had any serious assignments due yet, just a homework for Advanced Financial management that was graded on effort, not accuracy. I have my first quiz on Feb 7 for the same class. I haven't studied yet for it but I hope to do that tomorrow. As far as reading assignments, I've been doing them, but not necessarily taking notes or retaining what I learned from it. I can't really go into detail with academics because only a month has passed. I will update this in the future.

Next, sociability. This has been mixed. Being my natural self, I've been able to have alot more fun with people I'm already comfortable with. For example, I had a soccer game on Jan 19 that I didn't take a pill for. Afterwards, I went to lunch at an Indian restaurant with a few players on the team and I had a good time, we stopped at one of the pre-Mardi Gras parades too. I was able to let loose and not be so self-conscious about myself. I also went to Subway with the same group an earlier time and had a blast. Also, when I see soccer people I know at school, I now say hi and try to have a small conversation. Before I would have tried to avoid them. I've hung out with my dad and sister a few times. We watched the Super Bowl together and I've eaten dinner over there on the past four weekends.

So that's the positive of sociability. Now here comes the negative. There were certain things that I was convinced was a product of the Adderall, such as my anxiety and shyness. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to believe these things are part of my personality, and Adderall simply magnified it. I still don't feel comfortable or confident in myself whatsoever. I constantly feel anxious in my management classes that I'm going to get called on and that people are going to notice how nervous I am. I'm dreading the presentations that I'm going to have to give in class later this semester. One of my management professors makes the students stand up when they raise their hand and look him in the eye to answer. So daunting, and probably the reason why I will not participate the entire semester. In my strategic management group, we've had a few group case studies that me and my 4 other group members have gotten together for. They all discuss the issue, and I basically sit there silently. In that case, it's a combination of shyness and an inability to manipulate the information presented in front of me, which goes back to my ADD. I feel like a useless team member and it's frustrating...

Now I will talk about my general mood. It's strange. From when I stopped Adderall and at the beginning of the semester I was so optimistic and upbeat. I felt happy to be free from Adderall. Life just seemed so much more serene and enjoyable, I felt like life was actually pretty good. Then starting about 2 weeks ago (No coincidence after I took Adderall for soccer), I started having those same depressing thoughts from last semester cloud my mind. You know, the usual "I'm such a loser", "No girl will ever love me" nonsense... It has really gotten to me to this day... Now I feel glum all the time.

I have not gone out this semester and nobody has invited me out either. I feel extremely isolated from the majority of the student body and I don't know how to get in. I feel like if I tried everybody would reject me because they would remember how I'm always nervous and awkward constantly from the past few semesters, if they even know who I am. I feel invisible to girls too, like they find me repulsive, which I don't believe is true at all.

I don't know if my situation with girls in life will improve. I guess you can say that despite reading and knowing all that game theory, you've still got to have the courage to execute, and right now I don't have it. I do understand that if I don't change this mindset then I'm going to end up alone, which is my greatest fear in life. I'm just scared. That's the only way to describe myself right now. Fear. I've let fear ruin my life.

I've also made 0 attempt to prepare an internship for the summer... I don't even really care either.

[LILTEX41]

Tomasso,

First off, I think you are doing AWESOME! You sound very smart and are amazingly articulate! I can't get over all the things you have accomplished in your 1st 2 months off adderall. That's freaking bad ass. Just imagine your future down the road and what all you can achieve!

Ok, so now let's talk about your confidence. First of all, you just quit adderall...ALL confidence goes down the pipe line when quitting this drug so I command you to stop being so hard on yourself! Second thing, you remind me of someone I know very well. Let me just say well, at least someone I used to know very well.

Here's the deal. You HAVE to start thinking of yourself differently. You are thinking depressing thoughts and the more you think these horrible negative things about yourself, the more you will believe them, and the more depressed and nervous you are going to feel! Make a list of like 20 - 30 awesome things about yourself. Look at this list everyday and repeat it to yourself every chance you get! Everytime you have one of these self downing thoughts, refute it and rephrase the thought.

For example, "I feel like if I tried everybody would reject me because they would remember how I'm always nervous and awkward constantly from the past few semesters, if they even know who I am. I feel invisible to girls too, like they find me repulsive, which I don't believe is true at all."

Ok, now what evidence do you have of any of this??? Who says this is true???

Rephrase this, "I accept myself EXACTLY as I am because I am human being . We all feel insecure at times and it is OK that I am feeling anxious about trying to make new friends or hang out with people I know. This is NORMAL to feel this way and going forward I am going to keep reminding myself that other people feel this way too. Most of the time when I am fearful of what someone else is thinking, they are probably thinking about themselves and their own problems. It typically has nothing to do with me and if it does most of the time, that is their problem - NOT mine. Instead of focusing on my fear, I will ask them how they are doing. I will take all attention off of me and ask LOTS of questions! People like to talk about themselves. Talk about something you may have in common. And whatever you do, you need to start building yourself up! People will be at ease with you when you are at ease with you. Learn to love youself for your quirks, imperfections and all. Even if you think it's stupid, just keep repeating positive things about youself ALL day long. Make a list and keep referring to it. List out all your accomplishments and all your best qualities. Love yourself and the rest of the world will love you the way you do! K?

Now, last thing...here's a little article from Smart Recovery on Self Acceptance. ((((Hugs)))))

Thoughts to Help Increase Self-Acceptance

1. I'm not a bad person when I act badly; I am a person who has acted badly.

2. I'm not a good person when I act well and accomplish things; I am a person who has acted well and accomplished things.

3. I can accept myself whether I win, lose, or draw.

4. I would better not define myself entirely by my behavior, by others' opinions, or by anything else under the sun.

5. I can be myself without trying to prove myself.

6. I am not a fool for acting foolishly. If I were a fool, I could never learn from my mistakes.

7. I am not an ass for acting asininely.

8. I have many faults and can work on correcting them without blaming, condemning, or damning myself for having them.

9. Correction, yes! Condemnation, no!

10. I can neither prove myself to be a good nor a bad person. The wisest thing I can do is simply to accept myself.

11. I am not a worm for acting wormily.

12. I cannot "prove" human worth or worthlessness; it's better that I not try to do the impossible.

13. Accepting myself as being human is better than trying to prove myself superhuman or rating myself as subhuman.

14. I can itemize my weaknesses, disadvantages, and failures without judging or defining myself

by them.

15. Seeking self-esteem or self-worth leads to self-judgments and eventually to self-blame. Self- acceptance avoids these self-ratings.

16. I am not stupid for acting stupidly. Rather, I am a non-stupid person who sometimes produces stupid behavior.

17. I can reprimand my behavior without reprimanding myself.

18. I can praise my behavior without praising myself.

19. Get after your behavior! Don't get after yourself.

20. I can acknowledge my mistakes and hold myself accountable for making them -but without berating myself for creating them.

21. It's silly to favorably judge myself by how well I'm able to impress others, gain their approval, perform, or achieve.

22. It's equally silly to unfavorably judge myself by how well I'm able to impress others, gain their approval, perform, or achieve.

23. I am not an ignoramus for acting ignorantly.

24. When I foolishly put myself down, I don't have to put myself down for putting myself down.

25. I do not have to let my acceptance of myself be at the mercy of my circumstances.

26. I am not the plaything of others' reviews, and can accept myself apart from others'

evaluations of me.

27. I may at times need to depend on others to do practical things for me, but I don't have to emotionally depend on anyone in order to accept myself. Practical dependence is a fact! Emotional dependence is a fiction!

28. I am beholden to nothing or no one in order to accept myself.

29. It may be better to succeed, but success does not make me a better person.

30. It may be worse to fail, but failure does not make me a worse person.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Tomasso, congrats on your accomplishment so far. Really comprehensive update. Sounds like you're keeping strong which is great! Only piece of advice i have is for you re the social anxiety, especially in your management class. If you can just focus on the content you're discussing and not the perception of yourself, you'll find it much easier. Next time you're in a group discussion, don't worry about when to chime in with ideas, or how it will come out, just listen to your own thoughts and GO WITH IT. The less you think about yourself, the better you will perform!

And I LOVE the 30 rules above, they're fantastic. This site has such wisdom.

Stay strong and congrats so far!