The Insidious Orange Devil

[GeckoMckracken]

Good morning everyone. 

Firstly I would like to begin by saying how much I detest my personal fancy for the orange devil known as adderall.

One of the most evil aspects of this medication is the success you will achieve on it.  This drug has helped me make hundreds of thousands of dollars, enter the gates of Ivy League institutions, learn multiple challenging Bach pieces, learn languages, and draw.

All of this adderall fueled success has come at a cost. The drug has also caused me be insanely disrespectful to my love ones, become an unbelievably inconsiderate egotistical person, lose relationships with girlfriends, live in absolute filth for over a year, have no friends for years, play video games for 10 hours straight daily, engage in hedonistic sexual acts, starve myself, and have an ungodly amount of sleepless nights. 

In fact, every time I get my prescription filled, I end up throwing it all away that same night, because by the time I stay up another night again and crash, I am so sickened with myself that I dispose of the medication.  This has became the new status quo the last four months after five years on and off the medication. 
 

The medication brings me such clarity and focus and then it brings me to the darkest place imaginable. 

I have battled cancer twice in my 20s and I have as much pain from this medication as I had with my cancer battle.  
 

For the last four months, I get the script, fill it, abuse it and toss it the same day.  I am at my whits end and have terminated my relationship with my psychiatrist. However, the stupid thing with telehealth is this doesn’t matter.  I could have a new psych in ten mins if I wanted to. 

The drug causes such delusions in my head that each time I speak to my psychiatrist I think to myself, “this time I’ll take it normally, I’ll use it just for busy days, I’ll space it out.. etc.”

Yet, then I’ll have some unhinged urge that same day, take it at midnight, and then I am playing Valorant for 8 hours again.

I am so unbelievably sick of doing this to myself and have flushed it yet again.  A lot of my confidence to complete tasks is correlated with the medication.  I know I can do it without it, but I am just so over the cycle this medication provides me. 
 

I used to be prescribed a jarring 90 mg a day of this medication in 2019-2020.  I had a horrible enabling psychiatrist who just let me say anything to increase the dose with 0 accountability.  
 

I made my own choices, but it is shocking that people with medical licenses exist and practice in this capacity.  The practice of psychiatry in this country is like a business of the gilded age.  Wild West. 
 

 Now I just am prescribed just 30 mg from somebody who actually is legitimate. Well I guess not anymore.  
 

I am open with my family and came to my parents a few days ago begging them for help.  I am SO over this.  
 

I just want a community of people who have dealt with this unbelievable problem as well and would really appreciate your support.

 

Best,

E

 

[sirod9]

Hello - I would say you are approaching the path of recovery, its a process. I abused adderall for 6ish years (90 to 120+ mg a day). I have been off of adderall a little over two years. I'm no longer in hell. But the path out is difficult. you have to let go of what and who you "think" you are, what you "think" is important (all of that posh crap you mentioned in the beginning of your post) and let go. PAWs still appears occasionally, and I'm very "routine" oriented, meaning, if I am off of my regular sleep/eating routine, I will experience PAWs symptoms....its weird.

But my relationships are really good. I love my family and friends. I am learning to deepen the love and care I have for myself, and I am learning to walk through cravings by carefully observing why the cravings arise. and I'm learning self-compassion. I don't know if I will ever fully heal from adderall abuse, but I'm certainly in a better place now than I was on it.

A good place to start is self love. begin by trying to get a regular sleep schedule (with or without adderall), try eating healthier and taking supplements. give your body what it needs so it has a better chance when you quit. Its like we turn into out of control teenagers who make all the wrong decisions and you have to become your own parent.  Ultimately, quitting comes down to self-acceptance and self-care. Its bloody hard, but what will you do if you continue on this road? 

Good luck!