Seeking support and/or advice

[Hilman]

Hey,

Its kinda hard to begin, guess ill just throw it out there. I am a 20 year old male and I need some help. I dont ever ask for it but nobody I know would understand.

I have been illegally taking adderall for two years now.

My girlfriend(four years) has been supplying me. Ever since we moved in it spiraled down, horrible mess i dont want to get into. The end result we just broke up

and I want to quit adderall but she wont. It makes us irritable, fight constantly, and im afraid she doesnt love me or ANYTHING anymore. I feel small and alone.

All I do is work, smoke, come home, repeat. I use to be an amazing wrestler and was enlisting in the US army (11b with parachutist schooling) because of it. I was 5'7" and 152 lbs. Real lean, athletic, strong, confident, HEALTHY. I was permanently disqualified because I fail a drug test for amphetamines (adderall). Similar story with my wrestling team. I love my job and am very efficient but I have lost my friends because of neglect. Now I weigh 123 lbs, smoke heavily, have no friends, and lost the love of my life. I am depressed.Half the time I want to throw these fucking pills out the window. The other half I want to throw myself out that window. All I have is my job and not sure if I should. Im not sure if I could, I need them. I do not feel well typing this. I use to be strong, now I cry by-myself. What is wrong with me.

[matilda]

Hi Hilman,

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties. The good news: It can, and will, get better without the drug if going off of it is right for you and being on it has, in fact, been the root cause of a lot of your struggles lately. While there may be no guarantees when it comes to what you can recoup from the problems it caused to relationships, etc., another bit of good news that I've found to be true is that you get to return to yourself and rediscover what's great about your true personality.

I, for one, am enjoying having my sense of humor back -- and my empathy and friendship skills. That enjoyment outweighs the negative much of the time, and I try not to dwell on what I've lost, although I know it's hard. Most of us who got into this kind of mess really didn't mean to -- we were trying to do better in life, trying to do more for good reasons but somehow went awry in the process. Be gentle with yourself and keep writing -- we're here.

M

[Alliee]

I hope I can mend what happened in my closest relationships. I will never take that stuff again. The people I love the most do not look at me the same. I fell like my brain is damaged too. I have no motivation, will power, or anything. The natural discipline I once had is not kicking in anywhere. I feel like I quit Adderall and it dropped me like a ton of bricks. I've only been off of it for a month, though, so maybe it will continue to get better. Still, I'm so ashamed. My whole family knows I took it for two years and now I LOOK like a recovering drug addict. I looked worse when I was on Adderall, but I still look awful. It has only been a month. Maybe I will get back to normal soon.

My main complaint is... I lost my friends, my family, my dignity, character, respect. Honestly, I lost all of these things. I will be angry forever because I had absolutely no warning whatsoever... unacceptable. I did not deserve what happened to me. I lost so much that I can't get back, including my health, which has affected my appearance. I honestly feel like my life is ruined.

[Alliee]

phew, I just want to encourage you all...My life is not ruined. Things are getting back to normal. I am feeling great today. I am interested in my friends again. It's still painful to think about how I backtracked while taking adderall.. but I still have a lot going for me, which is ok... I am worried about my dopamine receptors the most. I'm also worried about the fact that i'm 25 and live in a small town and had two rocky relationships that would not have been rocky had it not been for adderall. I'm just hoping I haven't ruined my chances of getting married soon. I think I'd be in a relationship and have a job by now. It's ok, though... I will keep updating for you all.

[justjon]

I, for one, am enjoying having my sense of humor back -- and my empathy and friendship skills.

I second that! I feel it too, and it's great.

Hillman -

If it's right with your girl, she'll come around, if not it might be for the best. THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. It seems like wrestling was a big part of your life, have you ever considered getting back into it. Or maybe just involved somehow, like volunteering at a local high school wrestling team. It might help ignite some of your passion and helping other people will get some positive endorphines flowing.

[Jonny5]

Hey man, I hope you're getting a little encouragement from some of the good people around here. You're young and you can beat this. I was a chronic relapser and at times almost resigned myself to being chained to amphetamines for the rest of what probably be a short life. Today is 90 days clean for me and I had to go through some really hard stuff to earn them. Nobody can ever take it away from me!

You sound like a competitive type person, so you might look at it as a disguised opportunity... this could be one of your finest moments. Adderall is no joke - a tough battle. Do it for yourself. Most people will never understand, and no, you don't get a trophy or anything:) But you get your dignity and self respect back, and maybe even more than you started with.

As for the relationship, all I can offer is that you'll be very wise for your age if you figure out now that you can't fix people. It NEVER works and most of the time you end up hurting them worse instead. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. You'll be setting an example - and that's real help. It's possible that right now the pills mean more to her than anything else, even you. That's her choice and she's got that right, if you want to call it that. Oh, and I'm sure that you know by now that amphetamine addicts lie...just be real careful about getting back together unless you're sure she's clean. You could find yourself right back in the same crappy situ.

And yes, I'm a man, and I use cry my soul out all the time over what this stuff was doing to me. It means I still had enough of a heart left to care.