Turning the page from the most Ultimate Setback to the Most Ultimate Comeback of all time....

[LILTEX41]

Dear QA Friends,

As much as it pains me to write this, here goes. My demon caught up with me once again. I look back at the past 12 months now in absolute horror over what happened to me almost one year ago. Short version - a pseudo friend of mine came over to visit me one day as I was working and left an Adderall on my desk. I didn't take it and told her to get it out of my face. However, it triggered me in a bad way. I then had yet another "friend" that informed me she started taking it and painfully rubbed it in my face that she had access to a prescription. Once again, I was beyond triggered. You wouldn't think one would relapse after 11 years of breaking free from this drug, but never say never. My demon whispered in my ear that maybe I could take Concerta and not abuse it as I had taken it 6 months prior to beginning my Adderall prescription and never abused it. My sweet innocent doctor knew I was desperate as I was having issues with life in general as someone with ADD often does. It felt like a good plan. It felt right at the time, yet I fully knew this was a bad idea.

Fast forward 18 months later and my habits were out of control. I not only was addicted to Concerta and popping two pills a day, but addicted to Kratom, and alcohol once again. However, I was crushing it at my new job. I did so well so fast and I absolutely loved it, but it all came tumbling down and defeated me once again. I received a promotion, crushed my sales quota for the year, joined a women's leadership program, and amongst other things, ended up having a formal presentation in Las Vegas at our Sales Kickoff event highlighting an epic deal I won for $838K. However, I binged on a new prescription of Concerta that week (it had just been upped from 27mg - 36mg) and I was in a psychosis. I thought I was the second coming of Christ, lol. I was so delusional and out of it I drank on the job in front of everyone at like 9am and my manager confronted me. Ended up going to the hospital for a week-long stay and upon making it back to my new position at work from my weeklong extended stay in Vegas was fired for drinking on the job. It was my worst nightmare come true. Everything I worked so hard for was destroyed instantaneously. It was my favorite job of all time. I was so good at it, and I destroyed it in the end all due to this stimulant "medication" that I cannot control. During this time frame I also ended up with a 2nd OMVI that past summer. I had spiraled so far out of control I lost everything dear to me. I was in financial ruins and because of my record, unable to find a job that would hire me. 

Luckily, I did finally find a way back into employment again through a temporary seasonal position and minimum wage job, but it was a foot in the door, and they took me in, thank God. Today, I am proud to say I have been clean ever since. I quit drinking as well and I have been back to running and triathlons. I have a serious relationship now and this year has been hard as hell emotionally, but I am on the up and up ever so slowly working my way back to my hopeful epic comeback. I did get a promotion at my new job 3 months in and even though it's not much, it means the world to me as it's a step moving forward in the right direction. The way I've gotten through this massacre of my life has been to realize that this is exactly what I needed to get me clean and sober for good. At least that's how I comfort myself in all of this. And as far as this next year, I figure it's best to have an easy breezy stress-free job until I am 100% secure in my sobriety so that I am not triggered easily.

Every day I make a gratitude list and vision board of my life for the next month/year. It helps me focus on all the blessings and wonderful things I do have in my life today and try not to get discouraged about everything I lost. One thing I do know is that I have my health and to have good health is in the same category as being a millionaire. Health is wealth and for it I am grateful.

This site was like my baby back 10 years ago when I first got clean from Adderall and I somehow slowly drifted away as my old habits started driving me again. Not this time. I read somewhere that it takes like 5 attempts at sobriety on average to get it so all things said, this is my 5th major attempt. This one is going to stick as my life depends on it. 

Anyhow, I am grateful to all of you who are still here from 10 years ago and all the newbies that have joined us along the way. The support of this community is so uplifting and inspiring so thank you all for all you do and all your contributions over the years. I am so grateful to be back "home" again.

LILTEX

[quit-once]

On 2/7/2024 at 1:02 PM, LILTEX41 said:

One thing I do know is that I have my health and to have good health is in the same category as being a millionaire. Health is wealth and for it I am grateful.

Welcome back!  Thanks for sharing your cautionary tale that a relapse is only one pill away, no matter how long it has been since one has quit.  Your comment about good health is spot on.  In fact, that was my primary motivation for quitting and staying quit all of these years.  I knew I was blessed with good health and if I would have caused a health crisis or a disability from stimulant abuse, I would have had a tough time living with myself and the decisions I made.   I quit drinking alcohol about a year ago and I am still amazed at how much better I feel mentally and physically.   

And a note to our newer members - if you would like to see the recovery journey anyone here had undergone, just go to their profile page and you can read all the posts someone has made since they joined this forum. 

[LILTEX41]

So grateful you are still here, Quit-Once! Thank you for all that you do and for being such a great source of inspiration on this forum. <3