Progress Rant

[in sterquiliniis invenitur]

HAHAHA! It's March! How is it March 11, 2024? It was just recently October of 2022 when I was sitting in a coffee shop and writing a dumb little "dialogue" with some kind of personified Satan telling me to take 40mg instead of the prescribed 20mg. Just once. Just to get over a rough period of time with a high workload. 

I have very odd memories from the last 16 or so months. Maybe up to 20 months. 

Is it just me or do I get the impression that fewer people are sharing information about Adderall addiction in 2024 than, say, 2010.? I was just a little kid back then but--sifting through forums like this one--it seems like that epoch [early to late 2000s] experienced a sort of Renaissance of people who'd discover this "hidden under-current" of hyper-productivity and create social atmospheres that reinforced it and then eventually crash and try to find some kind of redemption. Is that 85% gone or am I just not looking hard enough for support networks? 

 I have to say: this is a damn lonely endeavor... quitting Adderall. I may be able to talk virtually on forums like this but when I try to explain this experience to my coworkers they often look at me like I'm doing something righteous with my abuse of this drug. And that's how I rationalize it to myself. And the Western Judeo-Christian thought process... when it exists inside a religious person that I try to talk to... doesn't really know how to respond to my venting. They're much more used to people talking about sexual immorality or alcoholism or even speed but not this nice comfy and motivating gem of Adderall... which can flow through your system without many noticeable effects on the outside, while making you a skillful, righteous, creative, driven laborer on the inside. Everyone loves you! You yourself become creative and interesting and you can weave a nice narrative about yourself in your own mind out of memory of your meaningful work. 

Fortunately this time when I relapsed--after 16 days sober--the highest dose I was on was 30mg. This is unbelievable progress for me. I didn't even pull a single all-nighter in these 7-days of active use. 

Can you guys help? Where do I go from here? I developed a certain kind of addiction to my own breathing (specifically hyperventilation) and somehow--even when I'm not on Adderall--I often am compulsively aware of my own breathing while trying to sit down and do mental labor. I exercise a lot, which helps, but clearly it doesn't eliminate the mental temptation patterns. 

I am morbidly terrified of seeking professional help or "confessing" my "sin". Is that even a sensible way to think about this problem... as a sin? Isn't it more like a sickness? But a sickness of what? It can't be a psychological sickness alone because after 5-days of withdrawal I'm fine! I can come across as funny, interesting, even productive to other people without a single milligram of Adderall in my system. I don't even necessarily experience any sort of moment-to-moment "depression". 

Is it really just a metaphor to call this a "sickness of the spirit"? I am disgusted by the cynicism, hedonism, nihilism of the world... by how awfully young people like me conduct their lives. It seems as if my emotional or affective system is super-glued or perhaps fused to whatever part of my head makes rational judgments and so... every time I experience something like boredom, I rationalize the boredom into the conclusion that "Life and responsibility have left me. I have no real, meaningful, tangible responsibilities. What am I doing here? Why don't I just stay in this blithe coma and keep stumbling blindly through life.?" 

And then even when I'm on Adderall... when I experience those secondary effects of increased anxiety and such... I am repenting and hyper-rationalizing the stupidity of my decision while "enjoying" and utilizing the effect of the drug! I am presenting my body and limbs and face to the external world as one kind of character... and intrapsychically I am killing hundreds of ideas per minute as new ones are being born against my will. "When will I finish the homework? After I finish my shift. What am I doing in this shift? Feeding the middle class. Why am I feeding the middle class if there are dozens of health crises plaguing people because they don't get enough physical exercise. Why can't I just do 10 push-ups right now to give myself a bit of subtle endorphins to clarify my thoughts and set myself straight? Because I'm being morally righteous here washing these dishes. What's so righteous about washing these dishes here? Well, for one, it develops a certain kind of humility? Humility?! After this I'm going home to a cushioned middle class home in the most prosperous country in the world and I get to get 8 or 9 full hours of sleep! Wow, what an idiot! No, back to the task at hand!!" Multiply that by several hours each day for months on end... whether I'm on Adderall or not.! 

When I'm trying to do homework, on the other hand, I often read a paragraph of text and then close my eyes and visually imagine the representation of the abstract concept while imagining in my mind's eye... writing a paragraph response in my own words while deep-breathing. Then I'd open my eyes and jot something down for 17 seconds and read the next page. And I lost all touch with what it really means to study something. What is studying? To my subconscious it's a time of rabid indulgence in the value of ideas from the external world.

The Western world does a rather poor job artistically representing pathologies like this. We have all the operational definitions and DSM diagnostic criteria and science-oriented mental health media in the world... and yet it's all aimed at some future that's... well, it's just the re-establishment of a "stable carnival of efficient human motion". Freeways. Red lights. Green lights. Buildings with doors and heating systems and plumbing systems. Brooms to sweep the floors. Courts to judge the sinners. All institutions.. all forms of human action... every twitch of the muscle... is operationally defined, sequenced in a socially-agreed context, and played out in a manner that's mildly pleasurable at all times.

PEOPLE, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? HEAR ME, PLEASE! There's something odd about human nature where--when someone is crying for help in a way that's hyper-intelligent and maybe a bit excessive--the initial tendency is to turn your head and quickly look away. I've lost the only friend group I've had in my entire life 4 years ago because I was talking for MONTHS about how meaningless I felt life was. This was before I ever started really abusing Adderall. 

But see, what's my point? My point is I'm HERE! I'm AWAKE! I'm CIVILIZED! I expend herculean energy to be sane in the face of society and it's become a skill. I'm not some bum who poses an immediate threat to your safety. I'm just asking for a bit of social support. A reminder that maybe my thoughts--absurd and disgruntled as they are--were brought into being as part of this "spiritual war" I'm fighting. I can't be the only one fighting this, right?