Need to Quit but Don't Want to...

[Jamanda]

I have been on Adderall for about 8 years now at various doses. Currently, I am taking 20 mg xr per day which is a decrease from my maximum dose at 40 mg. I am an accountant and a MBA student so my job and school work require me to stay focused. I like being on Adderall. I feel normal on Adderall. But I know I need to quit because I don't think it is sustainable and I want to get pregnant within the next year.

I am terrified of what it will be like to be off of Adderall. I am scared I won't be able to perform at my job, but I am the primary income provider so quitting is not an option.

Today, I forgot to take my Adderall, which has NEVER happened. But I was in a hurry. Half way through the day, I was wondering why I was so tired. It was extreme tired. Like I could barely keep my eyes open. I had to go home half way through the day to get my medicine. How am I suppose to get through this?? My goal is to quit the Adderall in advance of getting pregnant. My next goal is to step down to 10 mg. But when I tried to take only 10 mg on a weekend, I got super emotional. When I don't take the medicine, all I want to do is cry, sleep, and eat. I don't really have an option of just taking some time off of work. I just feel completely lost.

The worst part is that I do not want to quit. I have no bad side effects. It just makes me feel like a normal, functioning human. If I didn't want to have children, I would probably just continue to take it. I am not sure if I am looking for advice here or just want to share my story. I always appreciate advice, but sometimes it is just nice to be able to express how I am feeling to people who understand. My husband is supportive, but will never understand what I am going through. After today, I really realized how difficult this journey is going to be.

[sky]

... don't set yourself up for failure before you even start your journey.

do you really want to live life stuck on adderall? you feel normal now on it, but do you remember a time when you weren't on it? pre- 8 years ago? many people function perfectly normally without it, you've just grown accustomed and addicted to it. Like any substance, caffeine, cigarettes, diet coke- anything we consume daily that becomes engrained in our daily routine we think we can't possibly live without. But we can. It's not natural or normal to live taking a pill every day just to function normally. That's not normal. We shouldn't rely on things like pills just to get out of bed and get thru a day. So the voice telling you you ought to quit should be listened to. Only you can decide what's right for you, and if you want to keep living with adderall then hell do it. I'm sure you can even get pregnant on it (not sure at all, what do they suggest?) but I bet your Rx and Dr would have advise for you. Otherwise, there are a lot of us on here who went thru quitting, who successfully gave it up, suffered thru the quit phase and are now leading normal adderall free lives, and doing quite well. So you have to make the call. I will tell you this: you can't ride the fence about it. If you aren't sure, you won't make it. You will quickly and easily talk yourself out of quitting, every day, you'll quit and then by afternoon you'll realize you just can't do it, and you'll take a pill. You have to be fully invested in the quitting. You have to be excited to live life without it. You have to have reached a point where you feel like you will be better off without it. Until then, until you see it as a negative aspect of your life, there is no reason to go thru abstaining from taking it. You can't ride the fence- you're either quitting, or you're not.

But we here do not see adderall in a positive light anymore. It has wreaked havoc in our lives, it has changed who were are into people we didn't like, into people our loved ones didn't like, into zombies devoid of life and feeling and passion. It took more than it gave. And we decided to quit and rid our lives of the thing that brought us low. Some may miss it, but they realize that they are better off now than they were before and so they stay the course, stay on the quit side of the fence, and keep on living life sans the mind bending effects of adderall...

Welcome to the forums.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I hear you. Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you are doing just that, and it sucks to give up something we like and we don't see the downside of.... ask anyone who smokes.

I sometimes thought about it like this. I wouldn't ever want to be reliant on something that I couldn't do without if I could no longer get access to it. I used to think about this while I was traveling... what if my medicine got stolen or confiscated? How would I cope? And it made me feel weak and like a junkie to know that I needed this shit so badly I used to have moments of anxiety wondering what would happen if I couldn't get my hands on it. Kind of like what happened to you today... but forever.

One time I was in fact traveling and left my entire travel stash at a restaurant in Switzerland. Of course I speak shitty schoolgirl french and I had no idea where the restaurant was, but the next day I took hours off work (even though they were paying for my trip) to drive around Geneva to try to find this stupid restaurant and get my precious adderall back (I didn't of course, I found the restaurant but the waiters lied to me that they hadn't found it). The feeling of desperation was overwhelming, and the next day I woke up nearly an hour late to a board meeting.

You are too smart to live your life like that. Baby or no baby. Just think about it.

[LILTEX41]

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope to hear more about your journey through this process. It sounds like you just need to be heard right now and that's what we're here for.

[lea]

Welcome Jamanda -- No judgement at all! It's totally your decision. Sometimes the anticipatory anxiety is far worse than the real thing though. It's scary to think about quitting something, even temporarily that's been with you for 8 years and helps you function. Think about all the people who quit smoking to get pregnant. They dread it and it sucks in the beginning but in the end they never regret choosing nicotine over having a child. But again that decision is yours to make. I wish you strength in moving forward in whatever you choose.

[Calo]

I feel your pain. Quitting is the best thing you can do though, if you want to have a baby. The stories all over this board about the suckiness of coming off adderall are from adults. I haven't looked up anything on adderall withdrawal in newborns specifically, but from various other news reports and stuff I've seen on drug dependency it's really bad. I don't think a baby could possibly benefit from coming out of the womb hooked on something so strong. And who knows what effect it has on the development. Its gotta do something jacked to forming neurological processes, IMO. Stay strong and you'll get there. I'm miserable right now and foggy and depressed myself, but seeing others going through the same thing and those who've made it is such a help. You have support and that's the biggest thing.

[Krax]

My husband is supportive, but will never understand what I am going through. After today, I really realized how difficult this journey is going to be.

why not?

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Jamanda, how are you doing?