Seriously...? (A Cautionary Tale)

[coach_fran]

Hey everybody,

This is more or less a journal of my travels with this horrific drug thus far. My story is not as bad as some folks on here, and not as fortunate as others but in either case, I think it's worth telling so that hopefully someone might gain something from it.

I started taking Adderall back in 2005 and like so many on here have experienced when they first take it, I thought it was the answer to all of life's problems. If I'm really honest with myself, I should have never pursued trying to get Adderall as there were warning signs that I might potentially abuse it as early as high school when I tried it with a friend and instantly liked it. I basically "faked" the psychological evaluation I was required to take in order for the psychologist to properly diagnose me and forward that diagnosis on to my doctor for prescriptions. Anyway, I took Adderall IR initially but then switched to the XR when the IR began to only last a few hours. From 2005 - 2008 Adderall proceeded to wreck havok on my life and destroyed all the things it was supposed to be fixing. In short, after a few months of some small benefit academically, I basically became a manipulative addict in the truest sense of the word and my purpose in life ceased to be anything other than the pursuit of more and more Adderall. Over the course of just 3 years I managed to fail out of school, destroy many of the most meaningful relationships I had (including a long-term girlfriend), and do major damage to my financial life by recklessly taking out loans and credit cards to fund my nightmare. Fortunately for me though, a change was coming that would correct my course.

In August of 2008, I phoned my doctor to put in a refill order on my Aderall XR 30mg and the office told me that they would no longer see me because they were aware that I was seeing multiple doctors. I was stunned, scared, and very confused. To this day I don't know how (I suspect they used the state prescription monitoring program but I'm not sure) they caught on to my manipulation, but that action scared me straight and sent me running from Adderall.

Great story right? Until now. Just a few months ago, a friend of mine had some Adderall and asked if I wanted any. I knew it wasn't good for me but I wanted to prove to myself that I could take it just like anything else now and put it in the rearview mirror of life after the evening was over. If only things were that simple. That was December of 12'. Having moved to another state, I went to a doctor's office down here in January and got another prescription. Knowing that what I was doing was wrong and stupid, I think I was able to justify it to myself by just requesting the 10mg amount of the IR stuff - I went through that in a matter of days. After the "come-down" was over, I told myself that I had slipped but that there was no reason it had to keep happening. Two weeks later, I was in the doctor's office again requesting another script. Again, because I've seen firsthand the devastation Adderall causes in my life and because I have no legitimate need to be prescribed to it, I've had the good sense to flush usually half of my prescription (which is now at 15 mgs, 2x daily) and try again to pick up the pieces before they become a mess.

Basically I've got a needless pattern going now - get the drug, take some of it, feel guilty and flush the rest, have a listless week as I recover, tell myself I'll never do it again, and repeat it again in 3 weeks with some different justification.

This shit is powerful. Even though I had been off of Adderall for basically 4 years and 4 months, all it took was one bad call to begin falling down the rabbit hole again. Let this be a cautionary tale to anyone out there... this drug is nothing to mess with. I'm new here so I'm gonna keep posting and following up. Since it's only been a few months and since I've at least minimized some of the damage by flushing some of my prescriptions, I know that with some accountability I can put an end to what should have never began. I'll also do my best to help out others in this struggle as well. I speak for myself and probably many of you on this site when I say that Adderall is something that we can never, ever touch again. I thought I could control Adderall this time around.... what I found out was that Adderall again ended up controlling me.

We're meant for greater things guys. This drug and its side effects are beatable if you want to beat them bad enough. Struggles are never easy but it is in them that we learn the most about who we are in. Though they take us directly into pain and discomfort, they can open our eyes to things that we would have never seen during times of comfort. Keep fighting the good fight.

- Coach Fran

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Even though I had been off of Adderall for basically 4 years and 4 months, all it took was one bad call to begin falling down the rabbit hole again. Let this be a cautionary tale to anyone out there... this drug is nothing to mess with.

Jesus, is it ever! Shows me a lot, actually... just like a recovering alcoholic, an adderallic is always an adderallic one pill away from being addicted again.

Hang in there, thanks for joining our little community. I will be interested in your story as you clearly have a lot of experience about quitting and relapse and staying strong.

[coach_fran]

Hey Motivation,

That's the funny thing about addiction, right? You truly are just one lapse in judgement away from sliding down that icy slope. To illustrate the point, I remember a few years ago reading an article about how Robin Williams, in the late 1970's was majorly addicted to cocaine. After going through treatment, he was successfully able to stay off of it for some 20+ years until 2006 or something when he had a relapse. Scary thought. But as I'm sure your experience has taught you, our best defense against that kind of a mistake is a healthy, fuctional willpower that puts the brakes on making a bad decison and carrying it out. I flushed the pills just 20 mins ago so we're at least back to square one but the guilt and feelings of shame are weighing on me heavy today. It's no small struggle to go through this but oddly, there is some comfort that can be found in the middle of all the hardship. When the pain it takes to stay the same is greater than the pain it takes to change, you will always choose to change. While that painful place is something nobody wants to go to, its the necessary step in changing what's clearly broken and putting the pieces in place to move your life forward. Pain and struggle can be some of the most redemptive forces in our lives if we let them do their work on us and from my experience, the only true way out of this is through that pain.

Thanks for your kind words and for your understanding. I read your post about the medications you were on... what a doozy. Glad to have you back man. I'll keep posting and making updates in hopes that this helps someone out there in avoiding this pitfall on the way to a happier and healthier life. Stay strong.

- Coach Fran

[coach_fran]

Feeling pretty overwhelmed with guilt today for the relapses I've had over the previous 3 months. Flushed the pills yesterday. Not feeling the tiredness from crashing yet but am definitely anxious and reclusive right now because other than those on this sight, nobody else knows... Family, girlfriend, buddies... Everybody would be terribly disappointed with me. I'm terribly disappointed with me. Stay strong guys.

[coach_fran]

And just put in 40 minutes running... Hopefully it'll help.

[quit-once]

Do the people who matter in your life know anything about your addiction experiences? Is adderall the only thing you have been addicted to? Why are you more reclusive now than any other time you ran out or flushed your pills? Have you cancelled your script for the next refill? And finally, do you still see your friend who caused your first relapse a few months ago?

[coach_fran]

Hey quit-once,

Great questions. The people that matter in my life knew about the first time I experienced this problem. I told me family and friends about my addiction, how it had persisted for several years, and about how I wanted to quit once and for all and needed their help. That was back in 2008. Now, I have a girlfriend (nearly a fiancee) and my family and close friends are in the dark to the recent issues I've had with Adderall. Mostly, this is because of the shame I feel for relapsing in the first place. I'm afraid that the incredible girlfriend I'm with would leave me if she knew...

Yes, Adderall is the only thing I've ever been addicted to. I've never struggled with alcohol or other substances.

The reclusion now is an effect of the shame and the guilt I'm feeling now... It's also part of the social anxiety I feel for the first week or so after coming off of Adderall.

Nope... I have not dealt with the next refill attempt. I keep telling myself that this is the last one. I'm also somebody who is generally fearful of any kind of serious confrontation. Telling my doctor that I've been abusing the pills he's been prescribing me freaks me out. Yes, that sounds weak but it's honest.

My friend who caused the relapse... He lives in a different state so I do not see him often. We do communicate a bit during the week over the phone. He's aware of my struggles with Adderall and is one of the few who knows about the recent relapses. He's never dealt with a problem like this though and I don't think he knows how deep the struggle goes. He truly is a good guy and has never before been a bad influence in my life. Actually, quite the contrary. If anything, he's been a source of reasoned strength in the past and with my recent struggle, ironically, he's been the one to trying to impose accountability measures on me. Anyway, hope that gives you an idea of what's been going on lately. I've been clean since Friday and the pills have been flushed. The fogginess feels like its starting to be lifted and I'm excercising 30 mins a day to assist in that process.

- Coach Fran

[quit-once]

OK, Coach, here's a little feedback for you.

You've almost got this. Still a couple of pieces of the puzzle to put in place but this might not be as hard as it seems. You don't want to repeat your past mistakes during your earlier addiction. Sounds like you were some kind of manipulative scoundrel that drove away or annoyed all the people who mattered, adderall caused you great personal failure, and you don't want to do that ever again.

You really do care about those who are close to you and don't want to drag them into your addiction so you want to stop before it gets out of hand and damages these relationships. You understand addiction very well, especially your own. You are lucky enough not to have any other cross-addictions, or other mental health issues like depression.

I see your shortcomings are a lack of willpower, a need for accountability, and the lack of courage to cancel your script (insecurity).

Use your people and their ignorance of your recent relapse as a motivator. Resolve to quit, forsake the adderall forever, and make a huge penalty for your own relapse, should it happen. The penalty must be something you can and will enforce upon yourself - like telling them, or realizing they may find out anyway if you end up in a rehab program. If you fail to stay quit on your own, then it is off to betty ford's place for you! And they will all find out about it. Your buddy who gave you the adderall and caused your relapse sounds like a good guy and a true friend. I don't think he meant you any harm by offering you a pill for old times sake. Let him help you stay off the shit. And this place is also great for a level of anonymous accountability.

Regarding your willpower or lack of it, well,..... that's why you need the accountability piece of the puzzle.

Your lack of courage to divorce yourself from adderall is puzzling to me. What is it that you think you still might benefit from using it? Why in the fuck would you ever want to take another pill? I understand not wanting to tell the doctor you were abusing. tell them you had a bad reaction to it. tell them you moved. tell them it just wasn't helping you or the side effects were awful. but for God's sake tell them something so you cannot just get anopther refill for whatever reason. You seem to be able to flush on a regular basis and that takes way more courage than I ever had. This again brings in both of your needs for accountability and stronger willpower.

You've almost got it, Coach. Just put the pieces of your relapse/addiction puzzle together and it will work.