Heather67 Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 Soooo,people tend to disappear when they relapse..use again...go fuckin stupid again,is kinda perfect I'm thinkin. I did just that. After acquiring my bout 2.5 months..LOL this last time out...4 years another time out...I got a text from this girl I know,who knew nothing of my quitting,she said I got some,you want a few???? I had a shit ton.of stuff to get done, so Sure I said!!!! WTF HEATHER FOR REAL!!!! Funny..at first a small amount hooked me up..I was amazed!! Like 3 of the 15's... .I was golden. So those few lasted awhile..but then the deal is sealed. I just kinda sought out girls I know...hooked up a few here..few there. Cuz this is now trying to do this with my "red flag" status...and its total bullshit...of course over bout 2 months 3 doesn't cut it for the day...days off alot...but already ....those days suck!!! God damn I'm fucked up. Someone hit me in the face with a 2×4 already!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cjw31 Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 I feel ya. And if it feels better to ya. I would have done the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted April 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 Ya know!!!! Huh!!! I've done the work.of recovery before...I know the fucked part of my brain vs. The healthy part...I know what a bullshit exsistence it brings....and I KNOW THE FUCKIN TOLERANCE I HAVE FOR GEEKIN!!! I can easily take 5 of whatever mgs..by 11:00 in the a.m. That crash tho....that I don't have anymore and neither does anyone else ..that anxiety that turns to anger. That fucking Heather!!! Cuz its not adderall really...its me! !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 Heather I think in order for you to stop, you have to muster up your commitment to being clean again, you have to make it clear and cut these girls off from giving them to you. Just like getting red flagged across the state got you to stop the last time. Do your 'dealers' know you are addicted? Are you buying it off them ? Are they friends? Are you ready to recommit to this whole thing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 Heather I'm glad you're back. There is hope. You have done it before and you will do it again. I know you will! CUT OFF THE DRUG BUDDIES! You're right, it's you. You're addicted and once you're addicted the only way out is cold turkey. You know that. I know that. The people in the rooms know that ... All that collective wisdom means something. Now pull yourself up by the bootstraps girl -- you can do this! You know we are all here to support you just like you support all of us. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 It takes some kind of courage to come back on here when you've relapsed and I was worried about you. So you're back at day one. It's like those 2.5 months meant nothing, really. You should treat this like you're starting all over again, or it will be even harder than it was last time. You know the drill you need a plan. What's your plan? How will you celebrate your achievements and keep being strong? How will you stop those incoming calls from ruining your resolve? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 Heather, Thanks for reminding us all about that insidious and nasty addiction which comes from a BEAST called adderall or any other kind of speed. Thanks for having the courage to share your relapse-hell experiences with us. With enough practice, I know you will eventually overcome this addiction. Just don't make it any more painful on yourself than it has to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted April 20, 2013 Report Share Posted April 20, 2013 Heather glad you're back...! Adderall still sucks, and quitting still sucks too. Sometimes the only thing that's kept me from taking people up on those kinds of offers is the idea of having to go back to day 1 and go through all this horrific journey from HELL all over again. Ok its not total hell since it feels great to feel alive again, but there's a lot of hell involved and I definitely don't want to ever have to start over!! So the more you keep dabbling.... the more time you're going to have to spend at Day/Week # 1. Might as well just go through with it and get out of that hellhole that is adderall and withdrawal! Stay strong! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted April 21, 2013 Report Share Posted April 21, 2013 Have you been going to NA meetings? Have you thought about checking in to rehab or maybe getting outpatient care? You were really focused on your recovery and then somehow you lost your focus, by temptation and access to it but now it is time to refocus 100% on recovering...adderall addiction is really hard to overcome as we all know and its so important that u really, really want to make the necessary changes in your life to beat this, like ending your supplier relationships and refocusing on getting clean. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted April 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2013 Didn't want to not get back to anyone on this...since I knew u would all chime in with wonderful suggestions and reminders from a clean time gone by. First and foremost...head has to be back.In the game. Its not yet...I'm not sure why. The homefront is still crazy and I don't really stop to apply much about what's up with me when the shit has me moving at warp speed. I have a car...no job yet..but plenty opening up round here with the nicer weather. I need therapy...with a non prescribing person probably..I'm afraid of alot of things I'm.finding...after coming into holding shit down without my husband...I'm seeing that I kinda suck at it. Feel alone even with people around ...that people don't get what its like. That punching a time.clock will make me freak. Its involved..and I need to get a plan MFA..you're right. I will...the girls that have the stuff...I've known em awhile..but we don't hang out..ya know. They serve a purpose...bout it. Ill be posting this shit out and dealing with it. Thanks..thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted April 22, 2013 Report Share Posted April 22, 2013 Right now the adderall you are taking is just medicine to keep your body stable and nothing more than that. And you shouldn't have to live that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted April 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2013 Day 2=hell!!!! Pissed at everything. Tired. No motivation..mood swings. Insane appetite. Insanity =using addies again and thinking it will be any different. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted April 22, 2013 Report Share Posted April 22, 2013 Keep it up. It is insanity kind of like bumping your head into a wall over and over. Why? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted April 22, 2013 Report Share Posted April 22, 2013 Oh Heather .... you know that's the definition of insanity. Your 2 days closer to the end of insanity! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted April 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2013 This is so much worse than last time!!! Like I have the flu!!! Seriously! !! I am barely hanging in there without going to the E.R and saying I'm fucked up and withdrawing can you please help me!!! Yeah...ummm...o.k lady!!!! That'll go over huge I'm sure. Pounding headache..sick stomache..and all the other stuff I had mentioned. Oh my God..mercy..uncle..I give!!! Something. Anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serena Posted April 23, 2013 Report Share Posted April 23, 2013 Heather- You can do this. The horrible withdrawal symptoms will last and shit will start getting clear again. Each time you go back to using it makes it harder to quit. The addiction part of us tells us that it will "be different" this time. That voice is always lying. You are doing the right thing. If you are serious about quitting you should just delete those girls numbers. It's good they aren't really hanging out friends, you could just completely stop associating with them. That might sound scary right now but you could think of it as taking care of yourself. When we use Add we stop listening to our bodies and let our mind run away like a crazy maniac. Take this time to really nurture yourself. So you slipped up, you are back on track. Note the positives and keep moving forward. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted April 24, 2013 Report Share Posted April 24, 2013 Just keep sticking to it heather. You are detoxing right now...you're doing good..we're all rooting you through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted April 24, 2013 Report Share Posted April 24, 2013 Heather my lovely lady you are punishing yourself even further by expecting to feel a certain way. Stop and breathe. Don't compare this round to the last one... As far as your body is concerned you are starting all over again, so erase your memories of what it was like last time. Like lea says, you're one day closer to freedom and you should celebrate that rather than berating yourself because you feel bad over something you felt like you should have new able to control but couldn't. Forgive yourself every morning, every moment and every time you take a nap. I personally don't think you let yourself have time to just "be" last time. Your son, the holidays, having to keep the hubby happy with his crazy demands... Where is the time for YOU to concentrate on getting better and just healing? Making your recovery your only priority is the only way you will start to feel better on a consistent basis. And sure, that sounds a lot like "me me me" expect with a 3 year old, but your son wants his mommy back. A you want yourself back - so be patient and generous to yourself, and your body will reward you in time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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