Just realizing....I may have an addiction to adderall

[busymammaof5]

I am a busy, stay at home mommy. Five kids under the age of 9, a student myself, and a deployed husband. I started taking adderall about a year ago. It helped me get through a busy day of school for me and the kids, swim lessons, gymnastics, sports, and my husband often being away on military duty. Not to mention the great side effect of weight loss. I have used it at times for three weeks to a month straight, and then other times, just on and off a couple times a month. My husband deployed 7 months ago. The week before he deployed I found out that my father had committed suicide. The day my husband left one of my daughters had a surgery which turned into a week long hospital stay. Right after that, we had to move houses. Five kids and myself, moving on our own. I think that may have been when my dependancy seriously kicked in. Not only did it help me accomplish things, but it suppressed the emotions I may have felt in dealing with my grief and stress. Shortly after the move there was a death in our family. It resulted in cross country travel, and my husband returning from Afghanistan for emergency leave. I used adderall for a week and a half straight, dropped 10 lbs, had my house unpacked, perfectly clean, and was so much thinner for seeing my husband. I think that may be when my addiction really took root. Since then I have been using for two or so days, then crashing. On my days I am on, I am busy and focused and making everything perfect. On the days I am off I am exhausted and starving. Unable to do anything. Lately I have been extremely depressed. I chalked it up to missing my husband, and being anxious for him to come home. Now I am wondering if my adderall addicition is deepening, and causing me to need more then I was previously taking. I am sad and depressed, unable to rest or relax. I can only focus on cleaning and projects and what I need to do next. I realize it is taking over my life. I want to stop, but I don't know how. With my husband being gone, I need to be there and present for our kids. I need to handle the house, and the activities, and the bills, and school, and helping the littles with their school, and being cheerful and supportive of my husband. When I think of quitting, all I think of is that I need to have the house perfect for his homecoming this Summer. I need to be thinner and more attractive then when he left. The house won't clean itself. Dinner won't cook itself. There are kids to bathe, homework to finish, yard work to be done...... I don't have time to detox, to go through withdrawl, to get help. I will do it when he gets home. Yet, part of me knows, if I use heavily for the next few months, turning back my be a struggle I am unable to conquer. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I will handle it all without the adderall. I don't know where to start when it comes to stopping. I can't let everything fall apart while I go through withdrawl symptoms. It seems so much easier to just increase the dosage. Where do you start when it comes to stopping???

[Heather67]

Hey busymomma...welcome. some really great people with substantial time free of adderall in their life will pop up soon with all kinds of suggestions and ideas of where to start when stopping. I don't have alot of time currently ..I did once,after all the things you spoke of in your post...the kids,hubby,clean and organized house...my abuse of adderall would go on to remove them.from my life. I was you....I am you,a mom just trying to get it all done...keep em.all happy and fuck ill say it....maybe look good doing it!!!!! HOLLA!!! LOL! so many women here have found the supergirl powers of the addies. But alas my girl they will/have started to turn on you. So just wanted to get a quick little welcome out to ya...for you have come to the right place!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I don't know where to start when it comes to stopping. I can't let everything fall apart while I go through withdrawl symptoms. It seems so much easier to just increase the dosage. Where do you start when it comes to stopping???

You do have a lot going on and have had to deal with a tremendous amount of stress - you're a part-time-single-mom, dealing with some of the most stressful things that a person could deal with in her life; not to mention adding more stress to yourself by pressurizing yourself to have the house perfect and lose weight when your husband comes home from deployment. I can imagine the bind you must feel.

Quitting at this stage has to be almost more of a no-brainer than a choice. You have to do the analysis of the trade-offs from the addiction: is it better to have a life of consistency where there is a regular flow to the ups and downs, to be constantly tired and yet able to experience life beneath the surface, and deal with what it throws you? Or is it better to go through life through the lens of adderall, where as the article says, you're unable to focus on on the big picture because the details are all that you are able to care about?

Personally, I know from experience that putting off the recovery process until you're "in a place to be able to recover" is a false economy, because life always interrupts. There will always be a reason to use, if you're addicted. There has to be, in your mind, a lot of reasons for you NOT to use.

Adderall is not a solve all. It is a source of all the complications that are just sidetracking you from the bigger challenges in life.

I'm sorry for your predicament. Welcome to the site and I hope we can help you ife you want to come up with a plan to quit.