Day 1 of Weaning...

[Reesepiece32]

Hello Everyone,

I am new to this forum and WANT TO SAY "THANK YOU" TO ALL WHO HAVE POSTED as I found this website last night and I have found comfort in knowing I am not alone. Today is the first day of weaning myself off and I have dropped my dose of 30 mgs daily to 20. I have some fear but I also know God and my guardian angels are with me,

I have been on Adderall instant release for the last 12 years of my life going from 10 mg of instant once per day to 15 mgs instant 2 times per day for the last 5 or 6 years. I have never taken more than what was prescribed yet have battled an addiction to alcohol where a craving oddly seemed to increase when my dosages were increased. I am 32 now and can't help but feel that while Adderall helped at first it also lead to my demise.

I have been in recovery from alcohol (no DUI's thank god) for almost a year as my drinking increased heavily the last time my dosage was increased. Funny thing is I don't ever remember wanting to drink when I was first placed on it in the beginning. Rehab almost 2 years ago convinced me alcohol was only problem and I quit a job where I was making $85,000-$90,000 per year because of the 'partying" environment.

But now after reading what others have posted I am not so sure that alcohol was the problem. I believe it was the Adderall. Those blue pills that helped me so much at first are the equivalent of rat poison in my mind. I just started my own business and am scared of failing but I have to wean myself of this junk because I find myself procrastinating or being so over focused that I can't get anything done. Today I only took 10 mg in the morning and feel kind of spaced out and plan on taking 10 mg in the afternoon. I also have tracked what I am eating and am making sure to watch it as I have read that people have gained weight and feel a need to cut the caffiene and sugar too. I am tracking what I feel, etc.I also am determined to continue my running.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Reese:)

[letsdothis]

Hey Reese,

Thanks for posting your story. After years and years of reading other people's experiences about any topic under the sun, really, it was actually your story that made me want to reach out and to share mine. So, thank you for reaching out and I really do hope you keep running because that is a great way to gather your thoughts and it is an idea that I too will implement into my life as I too embark on the next chapter of life after Adderall

I just decided to quit taking my meds after my, let's call it, "ah-ha" moment that I experienced in my broker licensing class only a few days ago. I have to admit up until I this "ah-ha" moment, I had never really considered going off meds since I was on the lowest dose of the stuff available on the market, 5 mg (which I took anywhere from 3-4 times a day... so, after typing this out and thinking about it, I guess I was taking anywhere from 15-20 mg on a daily basis. Seven days a week. Basically all the time... geez how could I not have noticed this? Well, I guess I was just too busy chasing after my dreams to notice what was really happening...). I just basically came to terms with the fact that I might very well take the stuff until the day I die. Largely I justified this fact by looking at people who take insulin, assuming that it was just one of those things.

Anyhow, back to that "ah-ha" moment I was telling you about. I was sitting in class feeling slightly sick (normal physical sensation of crappiness that I experience from time to time while on Adderall... kind of like I want to jump out of my skin or take a cold rag to my head... but very short lived and usually easy to ignore and largely something I just paid no mind to) when the instructor made a very interesting statement. Apparently, in the state that I live in, you cannot practice buying or selling real estate (or, broker a transaction) if you were drunk (duh) or, here let me get the book so I can type exactly what the text was because it was a powerful statement for me that once I read/heard sent this unbelievable feeling of guilt that was almost palpable.

"Habitual use or addiction to alcohol, narcotics, stimulants, or any other chemical agent that results in a licensee's inability to practice with skill and safety"

Stimulants? Really? WTF and then I got thinking about all of it and it just seemed like the miracle drug that I had attributed to changing my life over the past 2 years, was perhaps, causing more harm than good in my life. Despite being an absolute workaholic and a rather celebrated genius in my trade (I too have started my own business) I never slowed down and the same speed which had my flourishing so much, was one I could not keep up with. Yea, I was on 10 all the time, but I would never slow down enough to do some of the more important things that people with ADHD struggle with, like planning (falls under the category of executive functioning... it's something we struggle with that comes easy to others). Sure I was balls to the wall 24/7, but I wouldn't want to sit still long enough to actually plan my day, week, month, year. Getting up and being active and staying in the thick of it was much more fun and going non-stop for 12 hours a day for 7 days a week produced some of the accomplishments that I am so proud of myself for. But there was/is a cost, as in everything in life and my "ah-ha" moment lead me to this site which, unlike so many blogs/sites out there, seemed intelligent and laid out a life after Adderall scenario that actually made it seem like something I could do. Which was of particular comfort being that prior to reading that statement in my broker course (and yes, I understand that it said "inability" in there, but still it got me thinking) because it struck me to the core. I am an ENFP, and I do hang my hat on my strong intuition as it relates to the majority of things I do in my life. For one reason or another something about reading "stimulant" in this book made me question this notion of the medication especially since I have changed many aspects of my life to tailor my unique set of gifts or personality type (commonly referred to as ADHD in mainstream society). So, if I now have a lifestyle where most of the problems that I would encounter on a daily basis are gone (and by extention most of the failures that I experienced), then I suppose the question becomes, why do I need the meds now since I have created a lifestyle where a person with my unique set of skills/gifts, or personality type (commonly referred to as ADHD) can thrive, then why the hell do I need to be on 10 ALL THE TIME?

I think much of the appeal of Adderall is in the fact that you can actually get something done (and then some). I was diagnosed at 20 and didn't seek medical treatment until age 30, I have been on Adderall for 2 years and just went off cold turkey 2 days ago. The point I want to hammer home is that I struggled with not understanding what ADHD meant from essentially age 6 to age 30. My teen years were a nightmare and I was even sent to a behavioral modification program at age 15 that was in a third world country that has since been shut down by international authorities. It took me 8 years to finish a 4 year college degree and many of the people I call friends that I grew up with as an adolescent are either in jail, shot, selling drugs, doing drugs or dead. I'm not trying to whip out my violin right now, rather, I am making my point that self esteem and self understanding are the crucial ingredients in living with and understanding the unique personality type that is commonly referred to as ADHD in mainstream society (i.e. the unique set of gifts and talents that largely don't lend themselves well to conforming to and thriving in our American society as we know it today). I feel blessed because we have this amazing documentary style program that they play here on public television called "ADD and Loving It" and "ADD and Thriving" and this is what I watched (crying mind you) that lead me to seek out medicine in the first place. This was all a jumping off point for me to start doing my own research (I suppose having a personal passion for psychology helps...) and much of what I uncovered was a supreme self awareness in the sense that I really had a low concept of my own self and what I was good at being that I could never seem to complete or excel at much for most of my childhood and teen and even early part of my 20's. My point is, that Adderall was an absolute part of my progress in the sense that it allowed me to just get something done for once and that was a very crucial ingredient in my quest to rebuild my shattered sense of self. Why can't you ever finish anything? Clean your room! You leave everything to the last minute. You're all over the place. Sound familiar? This was all I heard (or, being that people who have a personality type commonly referred to as ADHD have poor working memories), more importantly this is all I remember hearing my whole life. I felt bad about myself and I felt like a failure, but it ran so deep I had no idea that the, what's known as secondary issues experienced by those with the unique set of talents/personality type known as ADHD, issues I struggled with my whole life could be understood and worked through.

So, in closing, I want to thank you, Reese for putting it out there. It helps to hear other's stories and I am confident that I can live a happy, fulfilling, productive life after Adderall being that, for the first time in a long time, my life will no be going at a speed where I can actually stop to smell the roses. Literally, I feel like I am back. Where the hell have I been? Oh, I know where I have been, busy getting things done 24/7 thinking this was going to build a better sense of self and somehow complete me. That right there was the appeal for me taking meds for the past 2 years, but now after reading what you wrote, I think I'll just spend more time planning my days and goals into manageable chunks and, I too, will dust off my running shoes.

I wish you all the best in your life's endeavors.

-C