Relapsed

[tinybuddha]

I feel so low and just worthless. After a very stressful personal moment I relapsed and I feel like in the last few weeks I have flushed away all the pain and work I put into quitting and starting the process of rebuilding my life. I was a long term and very high tolerance adderall user which also lead to cycle of taking other meds to sleep or counteract the side effects. It took me months to wean down to a low dose of all the pills(I was for awhile taking extremely dangerous amounts to the point I couldn't even pretend to rationalize it anymore) cymbalta, adderall, and a mix of benzo or ambien to sleep. In the beginning I would rationalize the pills were giving me this ability to have what I thought was an amazing life; finish graduate school from a top program(I have not even been able to get myself together enough to pass my boards in the two years since I graduated. Being the 'perfect' partner to what I thought was my dream doctor fiance(in reality has become the most manipulative, self esteem robbing, and controlling relationship) After finally pulling myself out of a deep depression and denial and my with life in shambles in every way imaginable; I realized the pills had now become a way of coping/numbing myself to what my life had become and in many ways largely because of the adderall. I am not at all back to the insane level I was at peak of my addiction, but back in that place of not wanting to take the pill but needing it to function as a way to put off the withdrawal symptoms. I had horrible physical withdrawal. The worst being the extreme muscle aches and twitches/spasms. Also, I am terrified of the depression during the withdrawal reoccurring as when this happens I tend to isolate and self medicate(not with alcohol or street drugs but with prescription medications) I managed to get myself clean enough to admit to myself how bad things had become in my life and make some real changes. I am moving into a new city and this should be my opportunity to get out of an abusive relationship cycle I have been in for the last few years. I am able to try to start again and want to feel positive about this. I am not able to go to any type of rehab right now but I am able to focus on recovering( if I can figure out how to do that!) without having that many other obligations right now. Though I also will not have much support either. I am just scared I am going to mess up probably my last chance of fixing my life and it will be completely my own fault. I just really need some advice or encouragement right now.

[Mike]

Dear tinybuddha,

One of the most crucial steps in recovery is reaching the point of being disgusted with your own actions. Without that step, non of the other recovery steps can occur.

Relapses happen, especially when you're on a major quitting attempt. And you didn't really relapse badly. You're still at lower doses than you were before. As long as you don't let yourself creep back up on the dose, and as long as you stay focused on going back down, this is still progress.

But keep that self-disgust high. It's helpful right now.

And thankfully you've already achieved some clarity about your relationship...better now than later. Good to have that already figured out.

It's a good idea to minimize your obligations like you're doing. This is, in my experience, more important than having a support infrastructure. Your less-obligating environment IS your support infrastructure to some degree.

You're not going to mess this up. You've got this. You're on the right road. You fell back a couple of steps, but not all the way back. You're still ahead, your still solidly on your way. No shake it off and start plodding ahead again.

[staff]

tinybuddha: I do not know anything about adderall but I was really really taken by your story and wanted to sign on to give you my two cents.

It sounds like you need help, unfortunately I don't think you are looking in the correct place, I think advice online can only be an easy answer. there is no easy answer. You need to get off the meds again and it's going to be horrible. You use drugs to cope with bad feelings about your life... but the more you do the worse off you become, and the worse off you become you the more you do. Getting off the drugs is only a temporary fix. It's hard I think you should seek the help of professionals. But like I said that's only a temporary fix. You will then need to address the feelings you have tried so hard to numb out.. I would suggest seeing a therapist and really opening up.

I wouldn't rule out rehab. You say you're not in a good place right now but picture your life 5 years from now if you continue on the path you are going, as opposed to the mild disruption of rehab for less than a year and 4 years of sobriety. Is what you have right now really worth years of sobriety? Do you really think you can do it alone without the help of professionals?

This is your life, getting off these drugs should be your number one priority. Nothing can and should be more important.

I hope you aren't offended by anything I said. I wish you luck battling your addiction.