My story

[mrobz]

Where do I start, I've been on and off of this drug since probably the fifth grade. I am a 22 year old college Senior and am now full blown addicted. They gave it to me young to settle me down, I did really well in school and was a star athlete, but I was ALWAYS getting in trouble. As time went on they(Drs/mom) told me "I needed it" to do any schoolwork or such, by the time I got in high school I became a streaky student, with a very average GPA. I would start the year hot and then get cold(sound familiar addy heads?) I would become lethargic, however, I was in no way abusing. I continued this through high school, and never abused. I made a friend who shall remain unnamed after my senior year who first muttered the words "You ever taken a few of those before to get F#*&ng high?" I honestly didn't even know they were like....a narcotic until 18-ish. From there I dabbled with them more and more but could go months without taking one. Then when college started my first year I went to CC(comm coll) and lived at home, and my mom would shove them down my throat as soon as I woke up...at 18 I know right? Anyway it wasn't all too long after that, I'd say April 2010, I got my monthly script, took one and had a GREAT day, just hung out with friends and smoked a whole bunch of ciggarettes(that was a phase THANK GOD I quit smoking ciggarettes after 1 year). Suddenly, the next day I took my morning dose and two hours later I found myself walking out to my car to take another...and 2 hrs later another...I was addicted. Since then I have been dumping scripts out after 3/4/5 day binges, sometimes longer for school. It SCREWED me academically, contrary to the popular opinion the more I used adderall the more I did very poorly in class, so poorly in fact that I got academically dismissed from my first CC, "I needed adderall to go to class, to study, to do any homework" and it worked less and less every damn time. After getting dismissed I had some outside immaturity that needed fixed as well and I re-enrolled at a University after taking an additional semester off and did great, mainly by doing some sh#t on my own, but was still staying up some nights to pop adderall and like...play video games(and I'm not really into them, only when I'm on addys, I have a PS1 for gods sake) or browse the internet or just...feel good.

At the end of that semester I knew I had one choice I was getting vyvanse from a dr 50mg x 1 a day for 30 days, and adderall 10 mg x 1 time a day and towards finals I was eating them like candy and not sleeping...the only reason people didn't find out is I am and have always been a workout freak and MAINTAINED weight by working out every day and eating to GAIN I'm 6'6 and 225lbs(was probably 210 then). The choice was go to rehab or NA, so instead I saw a counselor for 4 months who said go to NA but I was barely using and as a result getting straight A's(the only time adderall "helped" for school was binge studying, if I prepared on a constant basis I was better off than binging..) So I binged at finals, did stellar because I had barely been using and then promised I'd go to NA. I went to NA the next day and got like.....70 days clean wasn't too serious, and before I continue I should tell you that this whole time I hid this from my dads side of the family, he and my step mom whom I live with had no idea I had an issue(I had JUST moved in I was living on my own) and they still don't. After my 70ish days I went right back into NA and went from 6/12/12-12/13/12 without using, I gave in at finals time last semester. I didn't have much of a craving or anything, I just felt overwhelmed I'm an economics major and had a few rough classes. So after I relapsed I quit going to NA, I had a sponsor but I don't know, I always felt like a "loser" because they were all heroin or crack heads and I was some kid who couldn't say no to adderall. I tried going to a few more meetings but just wasn't ready I guess. So all last semester I was on and off using and did great again but lately I've been using so damn much with no excuse, it's summer time you know?!

When I was attempting to stop smoking ciggarettes back in the day a guy told me "You can use any aid you want but really if you want to stop bad enough do it on your own." I have "kind of but not really" applied that to my adderall usage but it hasn't worked, yet I hadn't gone too hard at that, I was always "powerless to my adderall" and I really am, the thing that had kept me hooked is my mom still takes them for this fake A$$ disease "ADD" and I have told HER all about my usage and she knows/thinks I'm in recovery and hides her pills but I am an addict, I will drive over there sometimes just to look all over for 30 minutes for one pill. I am truly addicted to this drug, I cannot wait when the script date comes..but yet I have canceled my script for over year or months before and only lived off what I could take from my mom.

Pretty much I am at the point where I just broke up with my ex of 3 years, on March 17th(I caught her cheating on me) which had zero to do with adderall she knew of my usage but she knew how hard I tried and honest I was. Also I am no scrub I have a good job for a student, a car, and a 3.65 GPA. Anyways, it is kind of odd because after her I didn't know what I would tell someone new, and honestly, I just started dating a new girl as of like April 10th and things are great, but honestly not just for her, for me, I don't want to deal with this anymore, I'm sick of giving into my weaknesses I am done. I don't want to have to attend a meeting a day while working 35 hrs a week, 18 credit hours, and I cannot survive unless I go to the gym and hr a day 6x a week at least. If I fail, I will try NA again, but in all honesty I am going to quit on my own. I'm not going to make excuses, or be involved a program that cuts off all outside socialization for unnecessary reasons, I never had using buddies, my best friends have ZERO idea I am an addict. I'm going to do this for me and anyone else that reads this, it's all within, some 80% of addicts remain clean without ever seeking professional/support group help. I've never done any hard drugs or anything, and I'm sick of feeling so moody all the time because of this drug.

One more thing for anyone fearing what quitting adderall would do, I have been clean for a long period of time under which I was under much stress and for me I am 1000000 times more productive/happy off adderall than on it, sure I get tired, but you learn your body clock so much better and when you truly know you have nothing to rely on but yourself, you will get what needs done at the best time.

Does anyone else have any experience with quitting on their own/NA...the whole nine? I know if I cannot get clean I will go to NA again but honestly I am so motivated to stop. I have my entire life in front of me and I'm sick of hiding pills in my gym bag from everyone, and lying to my mom telling her I'm still not using. I'm getting clean for real this time, I don't need the drugs for school/work/socializing...I'll be lazy for a few days but wouldn't take another medication if they paid me to. It is NOT their fault for putting me on it/getting me addicted, I abused it, but I will never take any substance to further cause havoc on an already touchy situation. Today is the day I let go for good.

This is the beginning of the end for you adderall, this has gone on too long.