One year today!

[Lilah]

Just wanted to share that I took my last Adderall pill one year ago today officially. Funny, I felt so accomplished today... but couldn't tell anybody about it. So I just decided to share my joy here where people understand, and reflect a little bit on the experience, because it really is different than I thought it would be when I first shoved my pill bottle in my boyfriend's hands and instructed him to take it and not let me have it back for any reason.

A year ago I honestly never thought I would be here. I didn't lose my job because I quit Adderall, but I did quit my job voluntarily and then moved over halfway across the country. Not to get away from the Adderall exactly, but just because without Adderall I couldn't keep playing the game: going to work everyday and pretending I liked my job and the city I lived in, when in reality I was not satisfied with either at the time. Now that I've lived somewhere else (its the first time I've lived in a different state in my life) I have a whole new appreciation for where I came from, but I'm having a lot of good character-building experiences here that I'm grateful for.

I'm also working as a freelance web designer now. I worked as an in-house designer for years while on Adderall, and after quitting Adderall design and/or programming work was my biggest craving trigger. The work of a web designer is both creatively demanding and technically tedious... it is a job that lends itself well to Adderall. I swore I'd never be able to design again after quitting. But I managed to keep up at my in-house job for 7 months and left on a good note. I noticed I could actually do my work a lot less time without Adderall because I didn't obsess over details, and I actually think the quality of it might have improved a little bit. However, the urge to procrastinate and put off getting the ball rolling meant it still took me longer time total to get things done. After moving (about 8 months clean) I found myself having to (grudgingly) take on freelance web clients to survive because I was having a hard time finding employment (I was at the time seeking employment of any kind, as long as it had nothing to do with design). Just now, after finishing a few freelance projects, which initially make me crave Adderall like the devil, I realized my fears were irrational. I was able to design off of Adderall, and even enjoyed it to a degree (after all, I did start designing long before I started Adderall). Furthermore, people still liked my work. So just now, a year later, I am just beginning to unearth my passion for something that Adderall ended up burying for awhile.

I've discovered new passions too. Once I realized the impact good nutrition had on my recovery, I obviously had to develop my so-so kitchen skills, because eating out every time I needed something healthy just wasn't going to be financially possible. I have discovered a real love for the kitchen since then. I went from being able to make a handful of dishes that my mom had taught me (which never turned out half as good as when she made them), to making up new things all the time and routinely having friends and family ask for my recipes. When I was on Adderall, I never wanted to eat badly enough to prepare myself anything in the kitchen. When it came down to the point where I had to eat because I'd pass out otherwise, I'd grab whatever snack food was conveniently around. So I never would have discovered this passion if not for quitting, and my health is certainly a LOT better thanks to my new diet of real food. I struggled with depression, anxiety, OCD and "ADHD" most of my life. Before Adderall, I'd tried almost every FDA approved antidepressant there is, not to mention Xanax and Valium, to deal with these problems. Now that I eat right, I realize how many of those problems really stemmed from poor diet, because for the most part, they have all gone away or become so faint that I rarely notice them.

That's all! Just wanted to share because it just feels like a big moment to me

[Mike]

That's awesome, Lilah. Congratulations!

I didn't know you were a web developer. I'm a developer too, but much more weighted to the programming side of things. I used to try my hand at design, and could do it passably in most cases, but since I quit Adderall I don't even attempt design unless absolutely forced too. I stick to programming, which is less creatively-demanding for me than design (at least programming starts out with a functional goal...design can go ANYWHERE).

I still hate it, but for me it's different: I never chose it as a career, and yet I'm stuck with it for now. Long story.

So glad to hear you made it. It can be so much happier on this side, when you beat your demons on your own. 1 year is a huge moment. Since it has to be such a personal and unshared success...you might want to do something nice for yourself. Like spend a little money on something stupid that makes you happy. Usually for me this means food.

Since you're a cook, maybe you could splurge on something for the kitchen like one of those flat irons they put on top of meat at restaurants to make the sear distribute evenly (I'm projecting now...I want one of those). Then that thing will forever be an object of your success, made all the more meaningful because it is related to a passion that you found by quitting.