Coming clean for the first time

[tigerspade]

Sooo this is the first time I've ever written or spoken about this anywhere except in my private diary. I am really thankful for finding this community, as this has been my "secret shame" for far too long.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in college (though admittedly I'd had it long before then) and have been on a cycle of Adderall, Vyvanse and Ritalin for about 5 years now. Everything was fine--there was a shortage of Adderall where I lived about a year ago when I had to take Ritalin and I really didn't like that, but I got it all sorted out. Anywho--everything was fine until a little over a year ago. I had all the self-control in the world, I never worried about getting addicted to it, I took the recommended weekends off--I was very responsible about it. Only a few people in my life knew I even took the medication as I am well-aware of the stigma associated with it and didn't want people's perception of me to change.

Last January, I got married in secret at a courthouse, just me and him. A month later, he left for boot camp. That's when things really started falling apart. I barely handled it--I had had a really rough 6 months leading up to that point in which I'd lost my job, most of my friends, my ex-boyfriend was stalking me and turning everyone against me, telling everyone I was doing hardcore drugs (when I wasn't), lost my apartment--it was rough. I had really leaned on my husband up to that point and once he was gone, I didn't have almost anything to distract myself. Few friends were left after the fallout, I was still only working temp jobs catering or bartending, I was unsure of what the future held for me and him, I carried the burden of this huge secret (being married) on my shoulders and felt bad lying to my family about it, money was tight, I had no one to talk to, and I didn't get anything from my husband until about a month after he'd left (and even then, it was just a little scrap of paper folded in among his things).

I don't know exactly when I started taking more than I was prescribed, but I do remember at the time I was on Vyvanse and I'd cut the pills in half so I could edge up my dosage per day. Then I'd take Benadryll to get to sleep at night, since I was having nightmares continuously. It didn't seem that bad, until the week I was supposed to go to my husband's graduation from boot camp, I woke up one day and had lesions ALL OVER MY BODY. They actually still plague me to this day and I am still undergoing a variety of tests and treatments to locate the source of them. They literally just popped up overnight and have been the source for a lot of depression and self-esteem issues.

Anyway, after that, I eventually told my parents about being married and moved up to be with my husband. It was hard, but I got through it. The progress of amping up my dosage per day, then having "crash" days kinda just slowly escalated. I think it was a combination of things--a way to escape the crushing loneliness associated with my new life (moving across the country where I didn't know anyone and had no job, nor prospect of one, when I've always been very career-motivated), of getting the craziness of everything I had to accomplish sorted out. I was entering an entirely new phase about which I knew little to nothing: within a month, I had moved to the other side of the country from all of my family and friends, my career hanging precipitously in the balance (I'm a journalist).

Months passed and with every prescription, I'd get more lax about how I took them. I'd try to save up small reserves for my husband's duty nights (nights where I'd be home alone for roughly 48 hours with no one to talk to but my cat), which worked at first, but pretty soon I wasn't saving up reserves, I was just taking them. (Btw, at this point right now, I am 60 mg/day, or three 20-mg pills/day, of Adderall IR) I'd get them for 2-3 months at a time, and I went from having a one-week period at the end where I didn't have any, to a 2-week period....to where I am now, where I take all my pills in the first month and go a month without anything.

The first few days are always rough, and I always gain back any weight I may have lost while not on the pills. Some phases are rougher than others. I get sleepy, lethargic, loss of motivation to do anything, CRAZY emotional for no reason--I'll just start crying for like 5 minutes and then instantly be okay. It's not all bad, though--sometimes, especially in the mornings or at night, I'll be really happy and okay with life and realize why I like NOT being medicated.

I've never really had anyone to talk to about this, and that has been stressful as well. I know I can handle this on my own, without rehab, going cold turkey--I am about to run out of my supply for the next month and am just trying to brace myself. Get my mind ready, cuz I know it will all be a jumble soon enough. I'm just so concerned--my mother has a lot of mental issues. She was an alcoholic for most of my childhood (but is sober now), but she also has bipolar disorder and a propensity for addiction to pain killers. I am determined not to end up like her, but I feel like I'm fighting against nature here. I know I can win--but it's hard not to feel despair, or like I'm in it alone.

I really like the non-judgemental, supportive feeling of this community. It feels SO good to write this out. I've been lurking on these sites for a while, reading other stories, sizing mine up, embarrassed to write anything because I felt like I was doing even worse than all the stories I'd read...but I know I'll be okay. I'll just rely on the support of everyone here to get through it. I don't want to arouse suspicion in my everyday life--I just need to be strong. That's what you guys are here for.

So thank you.

[LILTEX41]

So glad you posted! You are a fantastic writer. Keep that passion alive and use it for your quit. Welcome and just hang in there. Everyone here is a great support to help you get through this. STAY POSITIVE - YOU GOT THIS.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thanks for letting us your story. Life is hard for you. Congratulations on your resolve - give yourself a big hug and take as many naps as you need. You deserve it!

[mrobz]

Adderall addiction sucks. The end. That pill is from the devil I swear to God.

[Heather67]

Wow. I always had alot to say on here when I frequented it more...now I'm kinda a lost mess really. Thanks for the post..I feel ya on.the emptiness of not having your husband...mine is in prison for 5 years and we have a son..I'm handling shit from the past..shit I'm in now..his shit inside..shit that's gonna happen..yeah its a shit ton of shit..and adderall has controlled me for alot of it. I can take alot of amphetamines ...a real lot..and I'm really not sure why??? I have had long runs more than once on ridiculous amounts..like 300+ mgs. A day...why I'm still alive I actually gotta wonder. You have found a great source of info and support in this community ..as I have..I am not back on the positive road yet..I've had decent time off it but this time the going thru the quit AGAIN...I don't know,its fucking with me this time. I am a mess just thinking about it....I love everyone who says.."well atleast adderall isn't physically addictive...".hahaha..maybe not but YOU try comin off it and we'll see how you make out..physically I mean. LOL so I agree..it is the devil and be addicted to it has me questioning my sanity daily.

[tigerspade]

Wow, guys! I don't check this as much as I should. Thank you so much for responding, this has made my whole day You're all such wonderful people <3